somehow, i stopped sharing directly about important things over here. i seem to have become aware that people actually might be reading this. and i think, what if they know that what i really want most in life is to love god? what if they think i'm foolish for thinking and feeling the things i do? what if they call me a drama-mama and find me too intense? what if i said over here that i loved mervin? would they make fun of me? what if they know that i have insecurities from time to time about the way i look? what if they know i can be such a hypocrite sometimes? what if i said that sometimes i just don't care at all? what if i said that sometimes i did hate and get angry? what if i said that i'm afraid to raise my hand in class sometimes? what if they knew my thoughts could be dark and dangerous as well? would they run away from me?

but those are the things i really want to share, besides the doses of humour and randomness, which i also don't ever want to stop sharing; that's me as well. but just one side of. but if i only share just half or a quarter, this blog is nothing but some cnn or bbc website. why on earth do i want to maintain and upkeep a stage?? there are so many more important things to do!! so goodbye to all that i say. here's what i want to share today...

last week, i tried on mervin's glasses and the bitter realisation hit me that i've been seeing things more blurly than they appear. i didn't want to wear glasses, i thought. i didn't want to see my world through a frame, i whined inside. ok, so there was contacts but isn't it great to just open your eyes first thing in the morning and be able to see? so i was on the 147 going to school last week and i was looking out of the window and i thought, what if i go blind right here right now? who would help me? if i called my mom, how could she help me? i wouldn't even know where i was. then, i started thinking further. if i had gone blind there and then, the last time i ever saw the ones i love would be the last time i ever saw them, literally. and should i have a child next time, how sad it would be that i would never be able to see him/her. even the simple things. like not being able to watch a movie again, read, surf the net, or even just gaze at life outside the windows of a bus. it made me feel so sad i tell you. i reached school feeling like it was my last day to live because i suddenly had no idea whether i would be able to see my whole life.

it's funny though. i've been really frustrated last week. pms? i don't know. i know i was getting super pissed off with one of my project groups. it's funny the kind of holes we dig and bury ourselves in and feel justified for doing so. i was disappointed and upset easily. i had strong inclinations to block off the world and hide in my room, even from mervin whom i was waiting the whole week to see. all ths coupled with my sudden fear of going blind (imustsoundreallyneurotic(maybeiam)).

and then there i am sitting alone at mass on sunday morning and the gospel is read out and jesus heals the blind man who can't see yet recognises him. i feel a jolt because well, there's that connection. the night before i'm sharing my fear of going blind with mervin, and the next morning, of all the readings in the world, there you have it. jesus healing the blind man. but i still don't understand. what were you trying to tell me?

as the church emptied out after mass, i stayed back to pray for a while and this thought just hit me. that the greatest tragedy was really being blind to love. it was a "whoa" moment. like something breaking through the ice around my heart the past few days. the blind man was only sightless, but he was not blind in his faith. he recognised his savior.

but still, i started the week cold. monday was shit. everything succeeded in rattling me. at night, i was in church and we were shifting our stuff to the new room and i picked up this small little book from our so-called msc library. "prison or praise". i took the book and left the room. cue: "to be continued.." of a serial you're watching where a twist happens in the end.

so i started reading this book and it amazed me how someone could not grow tired in being thirsty for god. i was amazed by how people listened and had their eyes well up in tears when he spoke such simple words. but didn't jesus speak such simple words too? isn't there alot of common sense in the bible which we can get from "real life" anyway? what is it that transforms lives and makes people go down on their knees and give up everything for this one thing? could it be....cognitive dissonance? maybe, for some people. but what about those who've been cold and dead for years and are resurrected suddenly?

then last night, i was reading an sms i had sent to mervin back in march. i was reminded of a time when i had been in such a spiritual drought. it was a time when i really wanted to pray but couldn't and it was painful. i remember how afraid i was. i remember the dreams i had where i woke up in misery and despair thinking i had lost my lord forever. i remember feeling there was nothing more if i was lost from god. and i remember how much i had thirsted for god, even when i couldn't believe. and as i read that sms last night, i started to wonder, what happened to that thirst? i mean, i could still love, i could still feel. but somewhere, i had grown lukewarm again.

and just as well, last night we went to meet aunty marifei, this amazing lady from philippines who took care of us the last time a bunch of us were there. she had come to singapore for a few days. she's going back tonight. anyway, these days i just don't have the drive to go out for social stuff during weekdays anymore. it's just work, work, work. but i decided to go anyway(somehow, despite the mountainload of work piling up, i seem to have time and energy for other things). and what a meeting. i think of her and i think of tom petty's "walls".

Cause you got a heart so big
It could crush this town
And I can't hold out forever
Even walls fall down

and meeting her and listening to her share further reminded me of that thirst. neil young wrote about how he had been searching for a heart of gold. and here it was, embedded in this little lady who couldn't stop hugging us and telling us she loved us and blowing us flying kisses as we parted ways last night. she's simple, she speaks common sense, and yet why does she move us so?

I want to live,
I want to give
I've been a miner
for a heart of gold.
It's these expressions
I never give
That keep me searching
for a heart of gold
And I'm getting old.
Keeps me searching
for a heart of gold
And I'm getting old.

I've been to Hollywood
I've been to Redwood
I crossed the ocean
for a heart of gold
I've been in my mind,
it's such a fine line
That keeps me searching
for a heart of gold
And I'm getting old.
Keeps me searching
for a heart of gold
And I'm getting old.

Keep me searching
for a heart of gold
You keep me searching
for a heart of gold
And I'm getting old.
I've been a miner
for a heart of gold.

so well, it's one tragedy to be blind to love. and it's another to withhold love. that's what i'm trying to say in this one long post.

i love god, i love my family, i love mervin, i love my friends, i love aunty, i love reno and i don't want it to stop there. so much in this world misses love, has lost love, craves love. and i want to love with every fibre of my being and with all my heart, all my mind, all my soul and all my strength. no more crawling back into holes and hiding just because i'm afraid the world will reject me. seriously, there's so much loving to do! i'm not ready for the world? maybe. or maybe, the world's not ready for me. =)

i say the word "whatever" because i don't want to and so that i don't have to...care. do you? it's a terrible word, a terrible attitude, a terrible way of life.

if everyone said "whatever", what ever shall we become of us?

lord of the rings, harry potter, the da vinci code....bah! i say. say hello to M.D.! i say. merrill john dookie d. the visionary of the 21st century and beyond!

-->shireen<-- says:
so why were u in dog heaven
HippoBum says:
do u really want to know
-->shireen<-- says:
yes please
HippoBum says:
ok here goes :
HippoBum says:
I dreamt a dream , but it was nothing like i'd ever dreamed before . There were poodles , lassie and St bernard at the door . So I went up to him and said , what am i doing here and St bernard replied ' there are somethings you need to find out for yourself ' . So i patted him on the head and i walked on straight in , and there i saw . Every dog , and i'm telling you every dog
HippoBum says:
was eating an ice-cream with its little paws . Yes believe you me , and so I walked around for a little bit , and there I saw a dog in the corner , biting away his toe . Out of curiosity , more than of kindness I went forward to look at him . I bent forward and asked him what his name was and what he was doing . He told me his name was Beno NAthani . I said to myself , doesn't that ring a familiar
HippoBum says:
bell , so I checked again . Beno was all there looking alone and lost and licking his dog toe . I sat against the wall , and decided to find out more about Beno and why he wasn't having an ice cream .
HippoBum says:
Beno told me that all the other dogs discriminated him because he was fat . I wanted to check him and say , are u sure man - you're more like obese . But then i realised it was insensitive , perhaps obesity runs in the family . Beno said that all Beno could eat was a packet of Ginger and Garlic M&M's . I felt angry, i felt enraged - I turned purple . It's possible to turn purple in dog heaven
HippoBum says:
Then i asked the JApanese Chim who was passed out direction . ' Ohio gonzaimas , hold it there u slinky-eyed mutt !!!! What is the meaning of this ??? Why can't poor Beno have an ice-cream like every other dog '
HippoBum says:
Then the Japanese Chim , bowed in his little doggies way and replied ' Sensei , ohio Toyota Cars Make very good these days ' . I was goddammed pissed and i had a right to be . ' What the hell are you talking bout doggie . You better talk some sense before I tell fat man and little boy '.
HippoBum says:
he replied ' I tell u brown man whose face is purple in colour , Beno here can't eat ice cream because he's too fat . Too fat , i tell you , We wan't not him to pai pai '
HippoBum says:
'Pai pai , i asked ' . Yes Pai pai , from what i learnt later from a Kerry Blue Terrier , who was a practioning medical nurse who in his previous life was the 'jaga' at the dog clinic in sembawang road , and i guess that qualifies him that much - he said that pai pai is to reach an unconscious state from having too much ice-cream . I was shocked , but it came to my sense . These dogs had good
HippoBum says:
intentions they cared about Beno . They didn't want Beno to suffer again . After all , what would happen to Beno if he had ' pai-pai-ed' . I left the Jap mutt , and I turned to Beno . I asked him as I realised my time was up . Was there anything , I could do to help him feel better ? He told me ' Reach out to my brother Reno Mathani . When he comes to dog heaven , I want him to have all the
HippoBum says:
ice-cream in the world . All the multi-flavoured , double-scoop , tripple scoop and make me proud . I knew finally , my purpose of being in Dog heaven . I knew what I was supposed to do .
HippoBum says:
That's it , so now u know . And i'm sure you know what to do :)

wow. that. was. so. awe-some!

paradigmatic investigation...dyadic social interaction...go shireen go! 12 papers to be read and analysed before you sleep tonight, filled with such fancy, mind-stopping (literally) lingo such as yours truly's introduction to this post. i love what i'm studying, i really do! i just need more time!!! and eyes!!! and brains!!! and shireens!!!

hmmm, the simpsons will be on in 5 minutes followed by malcolm in the middle. hmmmm indeed...

i want to remember this:

sunday afternoons, lying down on the car seat. the car window seemed much bigger then. turning my gaze skywards, watching the tops of trees and white wispy/fluffy clouds whiz by against the blue sky. sun shines brightly and it's probably hot out there but we're safe and cool in the car, on the way back from lunch, and i'm wishing the ride never ends. and all the while, papa's put on new order's "regret" and i'm wishing the song never ends too though i'm too young to really know or care what it's about. we're all in a good mood.

new order's "regret" always reminds me of those fresh and dreamy sunday afternoons. perhaps that's why i decided to make it my new ringtone, besides the fact that it sounds really good! only problem is, i take longer to answer the phone now.

woohoo! added links on the sidebar! -->

and i did it ALL BY MYSELF!

so if i start to get boring, which is impossible, there are some alternatives which i have kindly provided. and some which i am still in the process of getting licenses for. haha.

but seriously, click on them. someone might have something to tell you which you need to read today.

next step: radioblog! or something like that...

it's a drizzly sunday morning. papa just finished bathing reno, and in my sleepy daze, at papa's request, i took videos of him cleaning reno's ears, brushing reno's teeth and combing reno's hair. as usual, reno tries to eat anything that comes into contact with his mouth (don't worry, he doesn't bite) so, as you can guess, he was trying to lick all the toothpaste up. it was a pretty funny sight, but reno is always doing these weird idiosyncratic things that only a reno does.

sometimes do you wake up really tired after dreaming? i feel awake but somewhat tired from the adventures my dreams took me on before i woke up this morning. they were so vivid, so strange, so crazy, so perplexing and so....real.

now i'm plonked down at the dining table which has become my new haven for studying, if one can even have a haven for studying. there's nothing much else to do but study really. i could go for a run, i could watch tv, i could read the papers...and i could think of you. i think i'll just study.

i have so many dreams, all these big plans swimming in my mind. sometimes, i feel excited when i study the things i study and i think about what all these things could do for life, for the world, and that i have access to this knowledge. and my gosh, all the things i could do! me, small little me, i could make a difference somewhere and for a while, i am smiling inside, excited as hell, devouring the pages. but the moment i look away, i get distracted and tired. just like when my stomach feels queasy and i start to eat and it doesn't feel so queasy when i eat but the moment i stop, it's queasy as hell. i don't know if that's an appropriate analogy but it's more or less the same feeling.

roxette's "listen to your heart" is playing right now and somehow, everytime i listen to this song, i feel a whole lot of feelings. they used to play this alot in morey's piers and it seemed to match my thoughts at the time too (so drama!). and everytime this song came on, it would be pretty surreal. people would still be screaming, doing silly things outside your booth, deciding what to buy. sometimes, some of the associates would walk by and smile, clean your window, whatever. and all this while you're sitting there behind that glass window, in your own world, watching the world outside go by, but with everything and everyone seeming to take on a different hue. i think this song will never be the same for melt and me. =)


view of mariner's landing from the back of adventure pier at night

And there are voices that want to be heard
So much to mention but you can't find the words
The scent of magic, the beauty that's been
When love was wilder than the wind

p.s. happy children's day!

this is just something jeevan and i came up with for fun. we were pretty inspired by hope. this is what happens when we study together. our outlets for stress take on pretty creative (nonsensical) forms. anyway, enjoy. and if you find it lame, well, in the words of hope, whatever. haha.

click here!

silly billy.

sometimes, all it takes is a few words to make you want to climb into a little hole where noone can see you and where you don't ever have to emerge from again. once, you laugh it off. and one turns into two, then, three times. then you begin to wonder whether these words hold truth, and you eventually start to believe they do. it cuts, especially when these words come from the people you love most in the world.

it makes me feel a little less loved, a little more judged, and mostly, pretty lousy and unworthy.

i woke up feeling gorgeous this morning....

....and now i just feel plain ugly.

you take my breath away!

this is reno. reno rally royal. he is taking a saturday afternoon nap. on jeevan's shoe. MELT. not mel tan melt. wicked witch of the west in wizard of oz melt. awwwww.....

"looks like some people don't know what the phrase "let sleeping dogs lie" means...pffft."

it's fascinating watching reno sleep. how can anyone sleep so much? and today, he was fast asleep but his legs were twitching and i concluded that he was chasing rabbits in his sunday afternoon dream.

going for the geeky hunk look. melt.


reno is one of those dogs you meet once in a lifetime. and will remember forever. what a character, what a dog!

reno, you never fail to melt my heart. i love you!

we slapped, punched, kicked and screamed at each other. pulled each others hair out, had batteries thrown at our brows, told on each other ("aunty! look at akka (big sister)!!") , had the contents of our private diaires exposed....oh who knows where it ends? but i can't imagine life without us 3 together. the cycling adventures, the silly games, spj museum, the holidays, the jamming sessions, the concerts, the magazines and newspapers...oh who knows where that ends either? but most importantly, it's that unspeakable connection. where we laugh at the same things and know why, understand why one of us is so upset, know what songs and movies to recommend to each other, know what food each other would find appealing or disgusting, and where does that end? we're so different, the 3 of us, and yet, we're all the same. world, meet spj pte ltd.