see the bedouin fires at night, see the oil fields at first light, see the bird with a leaf in her mouth, after the flood all the colours came out...

i want to disappear for a while, to evaporate and become a cloud, high above, illuminated in pink, blue, green, magenta, orange and gold by spectacular sunsets, floating on by around the world, away from everything, from words, angry silences, work, standards, boundaries, hurt, blame, anxiety, confusion, disillusionment, thoughts, cigarette fumes, mosquitoes, shavers, clothes, weighing scales, desires, restlessness, sighs. everything. to roll over mountains and rivers and deserts and oceans. to be closer to the stars, away from all the bright lights and computer screens. it would be so quiet up there, everything would be so so small and all i might hear is the wind. and i would just close my eyes and smile as the wind gently delivered me on, from one place to the next. i would probably start to miss home, crave company and feel restless again. i'd start thinking and wondering, have things changed? are you thinking of me? then i'd rain down, drop by drop, falling down down down, to the rooftops and car hoods and the pavements and the trees, seeping into drains, rivers, soil. and then, i will miss the sky and wish to be a cloud again. such is the cycle of tears, salty and intense. i long for the sea.

p.s. what a wonderful idea! i just saw this a few fridays ago and ran to the window screaming, "look at the clouds, look at the clouds!!!" for anyone and everyone who cared. i didn't know these had a name. iridescence. lovely. =)

in slow motion, the blast is beautiful

"I've got this feeling that there's something that I missed
(I could do most anything to you...)
Don't you breathe
Something happened, that I never understood
You can't leave
Every second, dripping off my fingertips
Wage your war
Another soldier, says he's not afraid to die
Well I am scared
In slow motion, the blast is beautiful
Doors slam shut
A clock is ticking, but it's hidden far away
Safe and sound"

- somewhere a clock is ticking by snow patrol

like a short-circuit. like an atom bomb. like fire crackers. it only takes a few seconds for sparks to fly. it only takes a few words to sink a ship or bomb a whole country to smithereens. or even worse, to break a heart. bang bang, we danced round each other, with a rhythm noone understood, to a song noone heard, except us. there's no meaning for it, just sounds and motions. bang bang, it was only a few seconds stretched out to what seemed like an eternity.

and all i really wanted to do was just put my arms around you and tell you that everything is ok. i know, yes i am aware. that i was the one who fired the first shot. i am deeply sorry.

to float away...

sometimes do you wonder
what is real strength of character
to stay or to run?

will the sun rise tomorrow? probably. will i rise to greet it? who knows.

why can't i feel it in my bones? i see flashes, glimpses from time to time. it makes me gleam inside. i go to bed with a smile. but, why have i never felt it in my bones? why has it always been merely a yearning to feel? i felt it in my bones once.

it's like being tossed about in a psychedelic spin of a never-ending circus full of pirouettes and prances, carousels and clowns. what is real?

i sometimes feel like i am not part of my body. during these times, i look at everyone, and i know they are not their bodies and suddenly, i feel as connected to a stranger or to my boss as i am to myself and to my mother or father. and then i think of you and everything becomes as real as it looks, encapsulated by bodies, jars, doors, once again. because you became distinct. and then, so did i. how should it actually be? i'm tired of trying to live according to what it should be. i just want to be. to be nothing and everything. to be so empty that i'm bursting with life, with love. to be a little speck of light and a big bright beam with my smile floating like a thin film over everyone and everything, over my lover and my friends and my family and all i've ever known and loved.

what will i do if i should greet the sun in the morrow? my eyes hurt.

april's fool

glancing at my handphone, a grin crept onto my face as i was on the 147 to school. "Tue 1-Apr-2008," it read. how could i forget, i thought. i can't let this day go by without playing a prank or five!

me (in an sms to melt): We got into amazing race! They just called!!

and then, i looked at my phone again and realised that it wasn't tuesday. oh s*it!

melt (in a phonecall like 1 minute later): (something along the lines of) are you serious?? oh my gosh!!!
me: (something along the lines of) you know what? happy april fools'. but actually i thought it was already 1st of april. i got the date wrong.
melt: (something along the lines of) raaarrrgh! my colleagues said it was probably an april fools' prank being the eve of april fools but aargh!
me: yar, so dumb! ok i'll tell you again tomorrow.
melt: no! it's ok!

how are we going to join amazing race??? already getting dates wrong and two hours in the sun is enough to melt us. i can't use the word, "melt", without having the image of melt (the person) conjured up.

ah, i am april's fool indeed. and i have company. happy birthday, eugene (the one voted on facebook as most likely to corrupt the minds of young children, not an exageration!)!!! have a good one! ;)

SHIOKudo!!!

i was in heaven today, or at least tasted it.

why didn't anyone tell me about shokudo earlier??? for those of you as ulu-fied (living on another planet) and swaku-fied (ignorant) as me, it's this japanese version of marche at raffles city and i think i almost cried when i stepped inside today. all things japanese and yummy (and whale-less) under one roof! it's really dangerous though. they give you this card when you step inside so that every time you order something at any one of the stalls, they scan your card and key your order in (like marche). and with the amount of good food in that little place, you could get carried away with all that swiping and go into an epileptic fit when you present your card to pay. i had salmon sashimi, cha soba, yakitori and i stole some of jeevan's rosti and papa's yummy vege thingy and his waffle with ice cream and everything was sooooo good. even now, i'm just dreaming of the yakitori asparagus wrapped in bacon in my mouth and i'm going weak in the knees. aaargh! i wanted to order so many more things like the unagi and the omelette thingy and the japanese pizzas and alot of sushi and i am going mad thinking about it. my goodness, to think it was a stone's throw away from school and low-life-no-life-shireen-who-scrams-from-school-whenever-she-can only just discovered it like...NOW??? 3 weeks before my SMU school life ends??

ok, shokudo has got to be my favourite restaurant for now. it's just really fun having such a wide selection of (quality) japanese food and i don't think any other restaurant has ever got me this lovesick after being separated from it. oh that asparagus wrapped in bacon and that salmon sashimi. just gotta have it. NOW!

my goodness, what a frivolous decadent post. how ar. week 13. 2 research proposals, 2 presentations, 1 quiz, 2 exams, 1 community service report (overdue by 4 years), internship research and meeting with boos, left to go. how ar, how ar, how ar! i hope i can go back there to eat soon. wanna join me?

mmmmmmm...asparagus...bacon......night night.

with my eyes closed and my heart wide open.

i love mac. i seriously do.

why am i blogging one-liners these days, you ask? well, i blog here sometimes too. perhaps, i'll double-post my entries there over here as well in the future.

week 13, the dreaded week 13, is arriving. cowabunga! lets go!

a substitute and a shell.

cheated.

it's a different kind of conversation....

....in our coke heads

had an interesting conversation just now. something about it makes me cringe and yet laugh because it's just so nonsensical. people are people are people.

_: there's coke?
me, in jest: eh *, hurry pour for me before _ finishes it all!
_: i haven't had dinner the last four days!
me, perplexed: what's that got to do with coke? (and i was seriously wrecking my aching brain)
_, immediately: bla yaddea (some thing along those lines in some strange tongue in an attempt to shut me up)
me, still perplexed, but even more so after the burst of tongues: what's that got to do with drinking coke?
_: bla yaddea chika muka (more tongues followed by the silent treatment)

oh and by the way, this wasn't a conversation between two 5-year-olds. that may have been a little more intelligent. chika muka yalalalalalalalala!!!!!!!!!!!

caught broken social scene's concert at the esplanade just now. reached pretty late because i was stuck in an insane jam at orchard. jams. gross. ended up sitting alone which was really fine by me because i was aching too much inside out, in every way possible, in every muscle i can think of, the heart included, and even those tiny ones on your eyelids, to do anything else other than sit down and stone. a concert hall full of people jumping up from their seats and screaming sweet nothings to their idols on stage and then there's little miss oldielocks sitting in a corner, giving herself a neck massage. haha.

i wish they played more echoey stuff. i love strings and base. ambient, but not too much. it needs to have soul, and bass gives some soul because of its depth. the trumpets and sax were a nice touch. and the way they used their instruments to do stuff were pretty creative.

a classic line when the lead singer forgot what was the next chord in one of the songs.

"i don't feel bad that i forgot the song. i know you expect me to but i don't feel bad. i'm over it. are you?"

to which the crowd gleefully laps it all up and gives a resounding "of course we're over it" in the form of some kinda...noise.

and another.

"this is not a scary place. don't be afraid, it's not scary...you have those pictures of a man pointing a gun at another man's back (refering to signs in singapore at restricted areas)...hey that's art man!!"

to which the crowd begins to hail him as their guru with another throng of woohoos and whoas and yeas and aaaahs.

but well, as much as i'm trying to sound enthusiastic, i'm actually really tired. and my heart just wasn't completely there. it couldn't really be now, could it?

goodnight anonymous readers of skunkeroonie. god bless you.

it's a different kind of conversation.....

......your blue room.

excuse the dearth of entries. it happens when i need an escape. i need new experiences to release some epinephrine and norepinephrine a.k.a. happy juice. i need a jolt, an electric shock, a splash into the deep, a boost into the cosmos.

u2's "your blue room" is an amazing song in every sense. it's one of those songs that's hard to get sick of even if you listen to it over and over again. the worse thing i can do is to pick it apart and analyse it.

i wonder, if you manage to pick apart something totally, you'd be left with these little pieces. atomised; electrons, protons, neutrons and is there anything smaller than that? do we know for sure? isn't the beauty in how it all comes together in different combinations? the whole? isn't that what makes you marvel at the tiny details in the first place? that something so glorious emerged from their insignificance?

or look at a human face. we see a perfectly pretty face and try to pick it apart. ok, ugly nose. hmmm, eyes are too small. ok mouth is too big. cheeks a bit chubby? you reduce a perfectly pretty face to a few adjectives about its different parts, forgetting that the whole was in fact beautiful and how every feature came together so perfectly. you forget about the way it touched your heart and jolted your senses.

and here i am analysing what it is to analyse. my life pretty much spirals into a paradox these days. like how i sometimes feel/know i'm living a lie, admitting truthfully that i am, thus in a way, being true and honest with myself. this is all so tripped.

back to my psychology books, the mother of human analysis.

...