the best birthday gift - learning to love

one of the most beautiful things about loving somebody is dying to yourself. it's times like these you realise that you're stronger than you know, that your frail and meager heart is capable of something bigger than you can ever imagine and that love indeed empties, heals, nourishes, fills, strengthens, emboldens, illuminates, cleanses, transforms, creates, soothes....frees. it's not easy, noone ever said it was. it's one of the most painful things you may encounter and you may want to give up halfway, even to the point of wishing you would die. but, there's nothing more important. nothing worth more. than to love and to forgive. every. chance. you. get. which is all the time, here and now. i wish i did it sooner. but i'm excited and looking forward now, to love, love, love!




p.s. this doesn't mean letting go of your self-worth and allowing yourself to stay trapped in a situation or relationship which batters it.

i'm kinda getting obsessed with that cloud thing. who wouldn't? after looking at this? i am inspired!

(a little preview)

part 1: scruppy

little scruppy the puppy will be returning home to his rightful owners tomorrow. he belongs to my cousin who went on a holiday with his family. little scruppy, what can i say? never has reno felt further and closer all at the same time as i bend down to ruffle his fur, pour water into his bowl, take him for walks.

and once again, i'm reminded of the beautiful warm feeling of returning home to a dog. the unconditional love! every time scruppy sees me, he welcomes me and goes totally wild like it's the first time every time! he jumps up, balancing on his two hind feet (which makes him look like a little toddler learning to walk) as his two front paws struggle to hold on to me, after which he goes into a licking frenzy. when i walk away, he lets out a torrent of high-pitched puppy yelps and attempts to bulldoze his way through the fence. every. single. time.

having scruppy stay with us these few days has brought back some colour into my life (he's really a wacko and immensely entertaining and eventually, highly lovable), given me one more lovely reason to wake up in the morning and come home in the evening, and taught me about accepting new events and people and things in my life. that nothing can ever replace what is gone (like my wonderful reno), but that everything and everyone is in fact unique and yet all one at the same time. none is better than the other. beauty lies in the perfection of all things, all perfect in itself and the whole.

part 2: from the second i hit the "publish post" button for this post...

from the second i hit the "publish post" button for this post, i will no longer go on facebook or msn for a week, maybe more. you can still contact me by email and sms though. and i will still blog here if i feel like it.

from the second i hit the "publish post" button for this post, i will withdraw into my cave for a week, maybe more. not forever, just for a while. while driving home in the rain just now, clarity washed over me. i need to be silent for a while. and for that, i will avoid being in positions where i so easily react. i know i said something like this a few posts ago, but well, it didn't really happen. i always give in at the last second. well, i'm going to try again. and succeed.

from the second i hit the "publish post" button for this post, i will clear up the junk yard that is my room and restore it to its initial glory, exuberating warmth and purple and me.

from the second i hit the "publish post" button for this post, i will put my mind to better use, such as studying for my exams next week, instead of picking at the scabs of my wounds.

alright, am i missing anything? well, if i am, i'll just add it to the chalkboard on my wall.

ok, lets go!

see the bedouin fires at night, see the oil fields at first light, see the bird with a leaf in her mouth, after the flood all the colours came out...

i want to disappear for a while, to evaporate and become a cloud, high above, illuminated in pink, blue, green, magenta, orange and gold by spectacular sunsets, floating on by around the world, away from everything, from words, angry silences, work, standards, boundaries, hurt, blame, anxiety, confusion, disillusionment, thoughts, cigarette fumes, mosquitoes, shavers, clothes, weighing scales, desires, restlessness, sighs. everything. to roll over mountains and rivers and deserts and oceans. to be closer to the stars, away from all the bright lights and computer screens. it would be so quiet up there, everything would be so so small and all i might hear is the wind. and i would just close my eyes and smile as the wind gently delivered me on, from one place to the next. i would probably start to miss home, crave company and feel restless again. i'd start thinking and wondering, have things changed? are you thinking of me? then i'd rain down, drop by drop, falling down down down, to the rooftops and car hoods and the pavements and the trees, seeping into drains, rivers, soil. and then, i will miss the sky and wish to be a cloud again. such is the cycle of tears, salty and intense. i long for the sea.

p.s. what a wonderful idea! i just saw this a few fridays ago and ran to the window screaming, "look at the clouds, look at the clouds!!!" for anyone and everyone who cared. i didn't know these had a name. iridescence. lovely. =)

in slow motion, the blast is beautiful

"I've got this feeling that there's something that I missed
(I could do most anything to you...)
Don't you breathe
Something happened, that I never understood
You can't leave
Every second, dripping off my fingertips
Wage your war
Another soldier, says he's not afraid to die
Well I am scared
In slow motion, the blast is beautiful
Doors slam shut
A clock is ticking, but it's hidden far away
Safe and sound"

- somewhere a clock is ticking by snow patrol

like a short-circuit. like an atom bomb. like fire crackers. it only takes a few seconds for sparks to fly. it only takes a few words to sink a ship or bomb a whole country to smithereens. or even worse, to break a heart. bang bang, we danced round each other, with a rhythm noone understood, to a song noone heard, except us. there's no meaning for it, just sounds and motions. bang bang, it was only a few seconds stretched out to what seemed like an eternity.

and all i really wanted to do was just put my arms around you and tell you that everything is ok. i know, yes i am aware. that i was the one who fired the first shot. i am deeply sorry.

to float away...

sometimes do you wonder
what is real strength of character
to stay or to run?

will the sun rise tomorrow? probably. will i rise to greet it? who knows.

why can't i feel it in my bones? i see flashes, glimpses from time to time. it makes me gleam inside. i go to bed with a smile. but, why have i never felt it in my bones? why has it always been merely a yearning to feel? i felt it in my bones once.

it's like being tossed about in a psychedelic spin of a never-ending circus full of pirouettes and prances, carousels and clowns. what is real?

i sometimes feel like i am not part of my body. during these times, i look at everyone, and i know they are not their bodies and suddenly, i feel as connected to a stranger or to my boss as i am to myself and to my mother or father. and then i think of you and everything becomes as real as it looks, encapsulated by bodies, jars, doors, once again. because you became distinct. and then, so did i. how should it actually be? i'm tired of trying to live according to what it should be. i just want to be. to be nothing and everything. to be so empty that i'm bursting with life, with love. to be a little speck of light and a big bright beam with my smile floating like a thin film over everyone and everything, over my lover and my friends and my family and all i've ever known and loved.

what will i do if i should greet the sun in the morrow? my eyes hurt.

april's fool

glancing at my handphone, a grin crept onto my face as i was on the 147 to school. "Tue 1-Apr-2008," it read. how could i forget, i thought. i can't let this day go by without playing a prank or five!

me (in an sms to melt): We got into amazing race! They just called!!

and then, i looked at my phone again and realised that it wasn't tuesday. oh s*it!

melt (in a phonecall like 1 minute later): (something along the lines of) are you serious?? oh my gosh!!!
me: (something along the lines of) you know what? happy april fools'. but actually i thought it was already 1st of april. i got the date wrong.
melt: (something along the lines of) raaarrrgh! my colleagues said it was probably an april fools' prank being the eve of april fools but aargh!
me: yar, so dumb! ok i'll tell you again tomorrow.
melt: no! it's ok!

how are we going to join amazing race??? already getting dates wrong and two hours in the sun is enough to melt us. i can't use the word, "melt", without having the image of melt (the person) conjured up.

ah, i am april's fool indeed. and i have company. happy birthday, eugene (the one voted on facebook as most likely to corrupt the minds of young children, not an exageration!)!!! have a good one! ;)

SHIOKudo!!!

i was in heaven today, or at least tasted it.

why didn't anyone tell me about shokudo earlier??? for those of you as ulu-fied (living on another planet) and swaku-fied (ignorant) as me, it's this japanese version of marche at raffles city and i think i almost cried when i stepped inside today. all things japanese and yummy (and whale-less) under one roof! it's really dangerous though. they give you this card when you step inside so that every time you order something at any one of the stalls, they scan your card and key your order in (like marche). and with the amount of good food in that little place, you could get carried away with all that swiping and go into an epileptic fit when you present your card to pay. i had salmon sashimi, cha soba, yakitori and i stole some of jeevan's rosti and papa's yummy vege thingy and his waffle with ice cream and everything was sooooo good. even now, i'm just dreaming of the yakitori asparagus wrapped in bacon in my mouth and i'm going weak in the knees. aaargh! i wanted to order so many more things like the unagi and the omelette thingy and the japanese pizzas and alot of sushi and i am going mad thinking about it. my goodness, to think it was a stone's throw away from school and low-life-no-life-shireen-who-scrams-from-school-whenever-she-can only just discovered it like...NOW??? 3 weeks before my SMU school life ends??

ok, shokudo has got to be my favourite restaurant for now. it's just really fun having such a wide selection of (quality) japanese food and i don't think any other restaurant has ever got me this lovesick after being separated from it. oh that asparagus wrapped in bacon and that salmon sashimi. just gotta have it. NOW!

my goodness, what a frivolous decadent post. how ar. week 13. 2 research proposals, 2 presentations, 1 quiz, 2 exams, 1 community service report (overdue by 4 years), internship research and meeting with boos, left to go. how ar, how ar, how ar! i hope i can go back there to eat soon. wanna join me?

mmmmmmm...asparagus...bacon......night night.

with my eyes closed and my heart wide open.

i love mac. i seriously do.

why am i blogging one-liners these days, you ask? well, i blog here sometimes too. perhaps, i'll double-post my entries there over here as well in the future.

week 13, the dreaded week 13, is arriving. cowabunga! lets go!

a substitute and a shell.

cheated.