there goes a supernova, what a pushover.

yeah.

 don't you waste me in the ground

in these finite moments, i ask myself, what right do i have to deny my dreams from coming true? how dare i hold back this soul which is bursting at its seams? these songs, under what authority should i keep them muted, hidden, tell me! i imagine. soft, melodic riffs on guitars. smiles of loved ones by the seaside. long-flowing dresses. colours, lots of them. a never-ending sunset. you, faceless right now. us, defying the logics of love and reality, creating surges in hearts long after we're gone.

unfailing love

i was out at sea yesterday, the wind tussling my hair and salt water lacing my lips. i lay down on the hull, my wine glass resting on my stomach, and flung my gaze into the stars, searching for the ones i could not see. i knew there was more, so much more. darkness does not seem so scary when you are assured of more stars than you could ever comprehend. i am not so afraid now, God.

to love into change

on sunday, i was sitting at the feet of a wise man who had many wise things to say and i really wished you were there to listen. next, i sat at the feet of his wise wife and judged you for not being there to listen. but there is a reason why you aren't there these days, not even for your own sake. then, i felt ashamed for my judgments, for only judging and nothing else. the truth is, you are just as broken as i am. the truth is, you are far more beautiful than i know.

and i'm committed to loving you into change, into freedom. it's what changed me.

my mind rebels at stagnation

while i have acquired a small collection of books to take care of a small part of this predicament called "stagnation", my mind and body are physically starting to recoil at the thought that this will be me and us for the rest of my life.

no, i will not allow it!

there is still much travelling to be done, more dancing to be learnt, then danced, more planes to jump out from, more mind-prickling conversations over coffee-shop tables and coffee cups to be participated in, more white sheets of paper to have paint splashed on them, more rain showers to swirl around in...no, i'm not ready for a full. stop. this pen has many more adventures to write before the ink of its youth runs out!

so, what do you say? shall we?

why i blog (since i hardly hold a pen to write these days and type instead)

because, everywhere else, i am forced to write about what others want to read, to achieve some end, for someone else. here, i write anything i want, whenever i want, just for the heck of it, for the love of it.

to love writing, what does that mean? to love words? words lose their shapes and meaning and blend into meaningless noise and figures when you stare too long at them. rather, i like how these words flow from the ocean up here in my mind down to the tips of my fingers and out into the infinite expanse of this universe. i love how i can glide over words as i write (type) them, read them, glide over these shapes that make up letters that make up words that make up...all sorts of things! i like how i am carried from one word (and world) to another as i get upgraded to the status of a newborn, and everything is like the first time all over again (accidental pun, intended upon hindsight).

mother teresa once said that she was merely a pencil in the hand of God and i picture the words and visions that flow through me from that incredible fountainhead of love as i allow them to escape into, and find their place in the universe through my fingertips, my nostrils, my lips, my toes and hair (to name a few)!

eclipse of the mind has begun, i need sleep soon, which my dreams so often rob me of!

love is watching someone die

i wish we wouldn't take all these seconds and minutes for granted, fighting, staying angry, waiting, waiting, and waiting, for what?

sometimes i feel like that little girl, trying to catch those bubbles. but they always burst, they never last, just like these minutes, just like these seconds. i catch them in vain, their remains an explosion of soap and water, memories, pain and joy, in my hands, while you just watch them float away, watch me run to catch the next one, and the next, and the next. i don't know why i do it, i just have to, and wonder why these bubbles burst so fast and violently.

so, who's going to watch you die?

And it came to me then
That every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU
That reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself
That I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD
Took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines
In a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend
On a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth
I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground
As the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous paces bracing for bad news
Then the nurse comes around and everyone lifts their head
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said
That love is watching someone die

So who's going to watch you die
So who's going to watch you die
So who's going to watch you die 

"What Sarah Said"

by

Death Cab for Cutie 

sometimes, it's almost hardly believable that there was life before me, before 1985. it seems that nothing is real unless i am there. that i am the only witness to everything in the history of the world from my first to last breath. and that everything will cease to be, when i am gone.

i mean, how would i know if there was REALLY life before me? how will i know if there will be life AFTER me? what if everything, even all the "proof", the photographs, skeletons, tombstones, movies and diaries, were all conjured up just for my lifetime? what if history and its stories, people, from babies to old people, were created just for this short span of however long i will be here, and what if that period is really, the only time this universe will ever exist? just like my dreams, alive and real when i close my eyes and forgotten even to myself when the sun finally wipes the sleep out out of my eyes.

indeed.

it's time to return!

taking a break. =)

fireflies in a jar

says everything about the courage and wisdom....i wish i had.

but i guess you don't really know about the courage and wisdom
you really contain,
not even while opening that jar,
not until that jar is
fully opened.

you know, i've often been told that i have attained a certain sense of self-awareness, one i thought i could take pride in. but you know what? self-awareness does not equal maturity, especially in actions, and definitely in love. some people manage to skip all that psycho-analysing of self and graduate with first class honours in loving maturely, and some others are excellent at all that thinking stuff in between but still have a long way to go when in comes to the bigness of their hearts (i guess i'm in the latter group of "some people"). it's not even about IQ vs EQ anymore. it's about EQ vs "actually loving". and that's just what amazed me about you from the start, it still amazes me. if only...

i mean, i could probably write a thesis on what perfect love should be, how an ideal relationship should work and why people would feel the way they do and i'm sure i could possibly impress a few people. but, you know what? so what?

if i speak in human and angelic tongues,
but do not have love,
i am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal.

and if i have the gift of prophecy
and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge;
if I have all faith so as to move mountains
but do not have love,
i am nothing.

if i give away everything i own,
and if i hand my body over
so that i may boast
but do not have love,
i gain nothing.

but no, i'm not going to beat myself up over this. i'm aware (there i go again) that this is just who i am and how big my heart really is now, and i know it's gonna take some stretching, major upheavals and a hell lot of growth pains before i release my hurricane of love to the world the way i was meant to! (drama!)

i just wish i didn't have to...to...i can't even bring myself to say it. it really stings.