it's so wonderful to be able to google your own blog!

those close enough to me will know that i have been pretty down and out for quite some time now, such that being sad has become a weekly routine. as usual, i always ask why. as usual, i always analyse and turn into my own psychologist. well, i think i'm better as a story-teller than as a psychologist because i am able to come up with millions of theories that all fit the state i am. the problem is, i don't know which one is the right one. and so now i think, perhaps the question shouldn't be "why" anymore. and perhaps, it shouldn't be me answering it anymore. what's funny is that though i feel i've changed these days, straying farther away from the bubble of joy i believed i used to be for a while, these emotions i experience now and the way i experience them feel so....familiar. as though it's the most normal thing in the world, as though i'm a pro at this, as though i've always been like this!

i was bored and started to google certain words in my blog just now. fireworks, raymond (are you honoured?? i figured there would be some funny entries) and a few others words. and all these entries brought a smile to my face. how happy i sounded then, how unjaded and excited, how light, and sometimes even wise. i wondered whether i would be able to write such entries now and remembered the words a friend had typed in a mail to me, telling me that day by day, it seemed as though i was changing, leaving the little shireen behind. so then, i decided to google the word "sad", knowing i must have used that word in many entries before, considering how sadness seemed to feel like my companion recently. and the results were amazing!

i felt i had found a friend. a friend who totally understood what i was going through and what i was feeling, a friend who understood the loneliness and silence that has been plaguing me for so often now, a friend who had fallen deep into blackholes and crawled out of it. for those who are confused, i'm talking about this girl (especially towards the bottom). yes, i was right. this is not the first time and perhaps it is not that i have changed, i have just stayed in this place longer than i should. reasons and triggers may have changed but what i am going through is nothing new. i've just been telling the same story of this experience in different words and different ways and all it's done is confused me terribly, i've fallen into a mess.

isn't it amazing? google helped me to find myself! haha. ha.

i'm not done yet. there is one more thing. I HAVE FORGOTTEN TO PRAY. and i think this is the most important part. i'm not talking about forgetting to pray for good things and to be happy. that is really more like asking. i'm talking about how i've disconnected myself from god so much, no different from how i've disconnected myself from so many people in my life at this moment. and i'm not just talking about plain talking. i'm talking about how the reception has become like static noise on the radio when the connection is poor, cluttered and almost totally out of the required frequency. i'm talking about how bit by bit, day by day, i've been tuning out.

i think i've rolled in the mud long enough for now.