i was watching this documentary on steam trains in india on the national geographic channel just now. can u believe it? i was tearing. i would've wept out loud but my dad was sitting next to me. it was just a documentary after all. but it was so beautiful. the steam trains. it was a way of life. it was so sad to see some stations being closed down and some trains being auctioned off as the lives of steam trains and stations came to a conclusion. they became condemned. yes, that was the word used. it was sad to see how such a vital and large part of the lives of many people had been taken away, shut down, because of the end of the reign of the steam train era.

a man was interviewed. he looked so sad. he said, while watching a train being dismantled infront of him, that "it was like watching his son or daughter or a closed loved one being cut up into pieces and yet not being able to do anything about it but stand there and watch". he talked about the music of the trains and even attempted to immitate the noises. he talked about how he feels all alone now. as people get on with their lives, a huge part of him stands desolate, with those abandoned trains, now worth only for their scrap metal prices. i felt sad gazing upon the faces of the station master, of the men of steel who fed the train its fuel and ran it, of the widow who worked in the station since her husband committed suicide, having not been promoted. i felt something warm rise in me as i saw the little village children chasing the trains. i was amused at the way people crossed the tracks like they do on the busy roads in serangoon road in singapore even as the oncoming train was less than 8 metres away. only one steam train has been preserved in india so far. the himalayan princess or something like that. i hope to be able to go on that adventure one day.

my dad's eyes were as transfixed to the screen as mine was. he had spent a few years of his childhood in india. he had jumped on and off the trains as they were moving, like those people in the documentary. he had been there. the pondicherri express. those train stations. maybe not the exact ones on the documentary. but it was close enough. i don't know about you, but for me, it's tragic to see something fall apart, to see it being left aside to rot away and disintegrate. the song little earthquakes by tori amos comes to mind at this point.

i want to buy this $4000over keyboard(music). it's really neat. alot of functions. a floppy disk drive. and it just looks awesome. i want it. i want it. i want it. i'm in love. aaaah. i do have an electric organ but it's really old. and i can't carry it to the computer to record my songs. someone give it to me. now! =P

spent the afternoon writing vday notes (only 3) after i came home. next thing i know i was dead to the world. on my bed. all it took to put me there was a few pages of my chem notes. i only awoke at about 8 for dinner. and was glued to the telly by the tale of the trains. then i took my doggie for a walkie and he was so naughty so i shortened his walk. not like he cared. the lazy bugger. who's always jumping to go for a walk and gets tired after 10 min of it. silly reno.

i've got to finish my chem assignment. and organic chem. or part of it. the formula for a sleep-inducing drug.

ok i really slacked huh? but i think i've slacked in all areas of my life. not sure how it happened but it seems like i allowed myself to spiral into a blackhole.

you often wonder why is it that the people who should not be depressed get depressed. well, i often wonder about that anyway. like why is it that a girl who is constantly showered with compliments and always getting hit on can't stand to look at herself in the mirror because she thinks she's the ugliest thing that ever came into existence. or that guy who's always doing so well in school and is the object of envy of others....why is it that he feels like the world's biggest loser because he can never get the number of A pluses he aims for, an aim that always gets higher when it's met. so that it's always unreachable. i mean, sometimes it seems like these people have everything and are the winners. yet, why are they so sad? what could WE, who are much more of the "losers" than they are, possibly do to help them? shower them with more compliments? tell them how wonderful they are? but we already know that it won't help them. they'll continue to be depressed. they'll continue to always feel that big hole in the middle of them. noone can help them. not us, at least.

well, so i often wondered about these people. perhaps got angry and thought they were attention-seeking. put my own judgements on them. until recently, when i started to turn into one of them, taking a walk in their shoes.

seriously. i think i am quite blessed. i have a big comfortable home and a lovely family i can come home to everyday. we fight sometimes, maybe alot of times, but we're still ok. i am getting a good education in a university where i am not doing too badly. perhaps i have friends who get more As or A+s than me but i'm still doing ok. i have many friends who are concerned for me and include me in their activities and conversations. they really put up with my nonsense. i get compliments from time to time from people.

yet, i've been feeling so blue these past few weeks, or months. but it's been getting so bad these past few weeks. at times, i'd really hate looking at myself or i'd be so afraid to leave the house and go out because i'd be feeling so ugly and insecure, inside AND outside. i'd turn something so small into something so big and beat myself up about it, telling myself that it'd be better if noone sees me. sometimes, i'd wish i was more confident, or prettier. i'd wish i had smoother skin or was more athletic. very silly things. and then knowing that i'm not, i'd feel so lousy and worthless and feel that i'm not worthy of anyone's love. if i get hurt, i wouldn't hold it against the person. i would think that it was because there was something wrong with me. that i lacked something. but then i would tell myself, "hey shireen, how can you think that way? the fact that you're born makes you worthy. you should embrace and accept your uniqueness. you are special. if this is how you think of yourself, then what would you be thinking about other pple who aren't even half as blessed as you? you are sooo blessed, what's wrong with you? what happened to all the love you always preach about??"

then, i'd start feeling worse because of that. because i know i don't have a right to feel so sad and yet feel so sad anyway. i guess i get so sad because it gets so lonely. because i see all these flaws in myself which i wish i could change because i think that people wouldn't be able to stand me if they saw through me. and because i know that is who i am and i get so afraid of being rejected for being merely who i am, i run away all the time. it seems safer to be away from people.

i've been running away alot. when i'm with friends, i'd come up with a really silly excuse and then the moment i'm alone, i'd release my tears as i walk off by myself. because it is so painful and so hard hiding all this in me, holding all this in my heart. it's so hard pretending infront of my friends, my family. and when my friends talk about pretty guys and girls, or about the latest gossip or their future plans, it's so hard to pretend i enjoy these conversations when the content of these conversations only serve to remind me of what a loser i am. or rather, think i am.

basically, it's just this utter feeling of worthlessness. it's a very lonely and low feeling. and what's scary about this state is that it reinforces itself. you literally fall into your own blackhole and you go deeper and deeper. so when you wonder about all these people who have everything and yet feel like they have nothing, you should know that it started from something small which took on a life of its own and became a self-destructing, growing black hole. it always starts from something simple, something small.

as a result of all this, i started becoming so anti-social and self-absorbed, always running and constantly focusing on and picking at my "scabs" all the time. i spoke to my family less. i became very nonchalant about alot of things. i became very selfish. i felt like shit knowing i had become all this and felt so weak and helpless because i didn't want to be this way but was anyway. this was not the shireen i knew or wanted to be. perhaps it was the ghost of a shireen who existed once before. i hated it. and this loathing reinforced my sense of unworthiness. it's a vicious cycle.

and on sunday, as we were having our weekly family session, i told my family to excuse me if i was quiet. that i wasn't angry with them but that i just had to deal with some stuff inside of me and hoped they would understand. when everyone left the room, my mom called me back and asked me what's wrong. i tried to pretend that nothing was but my tears couldn't stand being dammed up any further. and for the first time, i finally told someone how i'd been driving my ownself crazy these past few weeks. it felt so good to release all this but as i heard myself speaking all those words, i realised that i had turned into someone else. someone i never thought i'd be. one of those people i had often wondered about. (as mentioned above).

and the next day, as i took a walk in some neighbourhood in the evening, i started thinking about all that had been going on in me, what i had heard myself telling my mom, all the pretense and finally realising who i really was now...and i decided that it was time to pick myself up. to break this vicious cycle. it felt strange because it meant that i would have to stop beating myself up. yes, that is strange because i've been doing it for so long. it felt strange to love myself and feel good about myself. it felt almost wrong. and you know there's something grossly wrong when you feel that way because of that.

and now, i am determined to get out of this web. i want to be free. and i don't want to hide anymore. i know i can. because i have done it before. there was a time when i was high on life and love. a time when i loved myself and everyone around. a time when i wanted to be so much more. i don't have to be stuck where i am. the only one who has imprisoned me in this darkness and loneliness is myself. dear god, please give me the strength and courage to turn the key and get out of this cage which has been my HOME for so long.

i wanted to put up a post for so long. so many times, i came here, typed a few words, and just couldn't continue. i felt empty of hope to give people. i felt i had nothing to look forward to. i felt tired and jaded. then i would log out. but i hope this entry gives you hope.

if you are someone who has been hiding all these thoughts and insecurities alone inside yourself for so long and feel so trapped and so sad, i hope that this post may give you at least a bit of hope. i hope that it may have been able to convince you that you don't have to be that person you think you are. that person who is always wandering around in the darkness that has become your "home" and your only friend. it is neither a home nor a friend. there is no love there.

i want you to know that the very first step is to be honest with yourself, to stop pretending. even if you are pretending to the world at large, at least stop pretending to yourself first. accept who you are now and what you have become. it may be an ugly sight. it may be shocking. but accept it. then make a decision for yourself. you HAVE the POWER to change. because we have all been given the POWER to make a CHOICE. noone can take that away.

you don't have to hide anymore. you are more beautiful than you think you are.

is obsession a bad thing? is there such a thing as being obsessed about trying to be happy? is there such a thing as being obsessed about finding true joy? and is it bad to be obsessed about such things? will being obsessed about trying to be ever-so-happy make me ever-so-sad instead? obsessions. too much of a good thing is a bad thing, they say. and too much of something can destroy you, i learnt. or have i really learnt? i'm closing my mind by being so obsessed about being happy for i close it in on one thing that could make or break my happiness, contracting a sudden amnesia, forgetting the simple, most simple things in life that could actually make me beam inside.

which is why i walk around troubled today. my insecurities, my fears, my obsessions...all bringing me down and pulling me apart, this way and that. a smile plastered to my face the way red paint is smeared around the mouth of a sad clown. no, a sad clown looks sadder than most anyone when he doesn't smile.

i don't want to be a depressed freak. i don't want to be the one who says "life sucks". i don't want to feel sorry for myself. i don't want to blame anyone or anything. and i shan't. but, i must learn to get rid of this/these obsession/s first, fly them all away on a paper aeroplane into a rubbish bin, where it belongs.

oh bother.

tuesday was a good day.

2 hours driving in the morning was just too much though. i was making the seat too hot for my own butt's comfort and my left leg was so tired from depressing and releasing the clutch pedal until there were a few instances where i almost totally released to stretch my leg for a while when the gear was still engaged! anyway, my driving test is today at 2.45pm!!! and before that, another 2 hr lesson. which means more than 2hrs of driving! but don't complain, shireen! you need the practice! PLEASE LET ME PASS!

after that, headed down to school and i enjoyed the bus and train rides because i had alot of time to spare and good music streaming into my ears and no heavy laptop or adaptor to carry and a pretty relaxed day ahead with not a single project meeting in sight!! which meant i could spend the day however i wanted to and go home early even!

marketing class was spent savouring my mocha rumba frapuccino from starbucks, chewing gum, making paper aeroplanes using the gum wrappers, sketching my prof, an island in the sun, my paper aeroplane and the starbucks cup, all on the starbucks paper napkin, exchanging smses with my mom, alvin(about my video cam), merrill(about sharing and driving) and one guy who is my brother's friend whose sister, i just found out, was sitting 2 rows behind me in class just now, and of course, paying attention to what the prof was talking about. there were some good laughs in between.

after marketing class, spent a good hour or so in the library having hell with the computers and printers! some friends thought i was mad because i kept walking past them so many times as i was walking to the printing room. files were deleted, wrong printer, attachment couldn't be open on a different computer, alot of other nonsense...but all's well cos i managed to get them all printed in the end.

then, i finally got the chance to head home! it was a priceless feeling. and as i was walking out of the library building, bumped into zhi and marcus and i think i looked like a crazy happy moron and i explained that i was going home early for the first time in a long time. haha, coming from someone who used to love going home late and would rather go out and walk around or watch a movie or go to borders before going home.

and i must say, i really enjoyed the ride on the way home. i got to sit right infront on the double-decker 147 and i love the view from the front seat because it's like a relaxing amusement park ride and you get to see so many things. after choosing the perfect seat, or so i thought, i plugged in my earphones, took out my BOOST chocolate(YUMMY!) and my storybook and had a really pleasant journey home until...

until i suddenly felt something wet and cold on the sole of my left foot. i looked down and saw that a puddle had gathered below my seat due to rain water from i don't know where and had swished onto my slipper when the bus made a sudden jerk. it was such a disgusting feeling because the slipper felt so slimy after that. but, well, i just adjusted my seating position to avoid the puddle and it was soon forgotten.

as i was reaching my house busstop, i made a split-second decision and before i knew it, i was boarding another bus to svdp to go for mass. and i was really quite early cos it was only 515pm and mass was at 6. but i was happy about this. it meant that i would have time to visit the adoration room there and just pray quietly and rest. something i haven't been doing for a while now.

and the time i spent there was really wonderful. as i was walking in, i saw a mini book on the shelf of books at the entrance and decided to have a look at it. it was about "spiritual hangovers", which, as described in the book, are simply the consequence of over-self-indulgence in our own thoughts and emotions, just like the over-consumption and over-indulgence of alcohol or drugs or whatnot. it talks about how comfortable we become with this spiritual hangover and don't bother to get out of it. i got reminded about my blackhole theory and about how it's so easy to get so comfortable in them and to indulge in anger or depression or whatnot.

mass after that was a really peaceful, beautiful and intimate moment for me and i felt happy and safe and on fire with love inside, a fire burning to fulfil my calling to love everyone and everything no matter what, a desire to be the smallest and the last if that's what it took. the whole hour there at svdp just brought me back home and calmed that restlessness in me. and it was all the consequence of a split-second decision. that's why i once said, sometimes you just do things and you don't know what made you do them but you know you just have to do them anyway, like you were meant to....this was just one of those moments.

and as i was sitting at the svdp busstop, waiting for the bus home, a man who had been sitting two rows behind me in church came and sat next to me. his clothes looked loose on him, his hair was a bit messy and his teeth were really yellow. he had given way to me during communion. so there he was sitting next to me and i could sense he was looking at me and i get very shy when people look at me but it was weird to keep pretending to stare into the space infront of me so i returned his look and he smiled and me and nodded, so well, i smiled back and nodded. and he did that a few more times. and finally, he stretched out his hand to shake mine and asked me what my name was while introducing himself. so i told him i was shireen. and then, he told me his sister and mom and had died and he was living alone. and i was a bit bewildered because i didn't understand why he was telling me this out of the blue. so i asked him when and he said 2 months ago. and we talked a bit. then he showed me a consultation card and i tried to decipher what it read but i couldn't find anything much and felt it wasn't so important to know what was wrong wrong with him(cos i was expecting it to be an institute of mental health card or something) so i handed him back the card. i just felt sad for him because he looked so sad and he would suddenly gaze into the distance every time he said he was living alone. then he told me the name of his sister. and his bus arrived. and he waved goodbye many times before he finally left. my bus arrived just after his and i got on. i passed a busstop and saw that he had gotten down there and he saw me on the bus and waved again...all the way home, i kept thinking about this mysterious lonely man and how much he needed a friend and needed to be loved. is there something i can do? i'm sure there is...and there are so many like him out there....mother teresa once said, "there are many in the world dying for a piece of bread, but there are many more dying for a little love."

but i did not return home feeling sad. i felt joyous still for having met a new friend. he may have been weird and a bit messed up overall, but he treated me with dignity and warmth. and he deserves to be loved anyway. i hope he is alright.

at night, i went for my regular tuesday night sharing and it was pretty nice and cosy cos there were so few of us. we had to restart the song a few times cos we kept singing out of tune and it was so funnY! this never happened before! i think...

supper was great! because of the great company and the hilarious conversations....and the night was then topped off by a heart-to-heart talk with melt. mel tan is a really beautiful and special girl and i love her to bits!!!

yeap, tuesday was good.

driving test, here i come!

remembering and forgetting

i don't have to be sad, i don't have to be like you, to feel like i love you, to show you that i love you. there's too much love out there, too much beauty and life and fun, too much awesomeness all around and within me, to be sad for more than an hour or maybe even thirteen minutes. eye-bags aren't that cool anyway and you can't put loose change or breathmints in them even, they serve no purpose other than to remind you that you've spent far too much time ignoring and avoiding total...awesomeness.

there's so much to say, but right now i feel that these things won't really matter for much longer. i cried for maybe sixteen minutes. it was highly necessary, the tears dissolved into a glorious epiphany, that i was wasting all these tears and time crying over...this. then I cooked the best baked alfredo pasta i had ever eaten, cleared the wardrobe which would've swallowed my room up in time, played lots of online poker and had the most refreshing shower ever.

i get so busy healing myself of you that i always forget who loved me first. when i remember, it changes everything and i don't have to be that scared little girl anymore.

it's so wonderful to be able to google your own blog!

those close enough to me will know that i have been pretty down and out for quite some time now, such that being sad has become a weekly routine. as usual, i always ask why. as usual, i always analyse and turn into my own psychologist. well, i think i'm better as a story-teller than as a psychologist because i am able to come up with millions of theories that all fit the state i am. the problem is, i don't know which one is the right one. and so now i think, perhaps the question shouldn't be "why" anymore. and perhaps, it shouldn't be me answering it anymore. what's funny is that though i feel i've changed these days, straying farther away from the bubble of joy i believed i used to be for a while, these emotions i experience now and the way i experience them feel so....familiar. as though it's the most normal thing in the world, as though i'm a pro at this, as though i've always been like this!

i was bored and started to google certain words in my blog just now. fireworks, raymond (are you honoured?? i figured there would be some funny entries) and a few others words. and all these entries brought a smile to my face. how happy i sounded then, how unjaded and excited, how light, and sometimes even wise. i wondered whether i would be able to write such entries now and remembered the words a friend had typed in a mail to me, telling me that day by day, it seemed as though i was changing, leaving the little shireen behind. so then, i decided to google the word "sad", knowing i must have used that word in many entries before, considering how sadness seemed to feel like my companion recently. and the results were amazing!

i felt i had found a friend. a friend who totally understood what i was going through and what i was feeling, a friend who understood the loneliness and silence that has been plaguing me for so often now, a friend who had fallen deep into blackholes and crawled out of it. for those who are confused, i'm talking about this girl (especially towards the bottom). yes, i was right. this is not the first time and perhaps it is not that i have changed, i have just stayed in this place longer than i should. reasons and triggers may have changed but what i am going through is nothing new. i've just been telling the same story of this experience in different words and different ways and all it's done is confused me terribly, i've fallen into a mess.

isn't it amazing? google helped me to find myself! haha. ha.

i'm not done yet. there is one more thing. I HAVE FORGOTTEN TO PRAY. and i think this is the most important part. i'm not talking about forgetting to pray for good things and to be happy. that is really more like asking. i'm talking about how i've disconnected myself from god so much, no different from how i've disconnected myself from so many people in my life at this moment. and i'm not just talking about plain talking. i'm talking about how the reception has become like static noise on the radio when the connection is poor, cluttered and almost totally out of the required frequency. i'm talking about how bit by bit, day by day, i've been tuning out.

i think i've rolled in the mud long enough for now.

somehow, i stopped sharing directly about important things over here. i seem to have become aware that people actually might be reading this. and i think, what if they know that what i really want most in life is to love god? what if they think i'm foolish for thinking and feeling the things i do? what if they call me a drama-mama and find me too intense? what if i said over here that i loved mervin? would they make fun of me? what if they know that i have insecurities from time to time about the way i look? what if they know i can be such a hypocrite sometimes? what if i said that sometimes i just don't care at all? what if i said that sometimes i did hate and get angry? what if i said that i'm afraid to raise my hand in class sometimes? what if they knew my thoughts could be dark and dangerous as well? would they run away from me?

but those are the things i really want to share, besides the doses of humour and randomness, which i also don't ever want to stop sharing; that's me as well. but just one side of. but if i only share just half or a quarter, this blog is nothing but some cnn or bbc website. why on earth do i want to maintain and upkeep a stage?? there are so many more important things to do!! so goodbye to all that i say. here's what i want to share today...

last week, i tried on mervin's glasses and the bitter realisation hit me that i've been seeing things more blurly than they appear. i didn't want to wear glasses, i thought. i didn't want to see my world through a frame, i whined inside. ok, so there was contacts but isn't it great to just open your eyes first thing in the morning and be able to see? so i was on the 147 going to school last week and i was looking out of the window and i thought, what if i go blind right here right now? who would help me? if i called my mom, how could she help me? i wouldn't even know where i was. then, i started thinking further. if i had gone blind there and then, the last time i ever saw the ones i love would be the last time i ever saw them, literally. and should i have a child next time, how sad it would be that i would never be able to see him/her. even the simple things. like not being able to watch a movie again, read, surf the net, or even just gaze at life outside the windows of a bus. it made me feel so sad i tell you. i reached school feeling like it was my last day to live because i suddenly had no idea whether i would be able to see my whole life.

it's funny though. i've been really frustrated last week. pms? i don't know. i know i was getting super pissed off with one of my project groups. it's funny the kind of holes we dig and bury ourselves in and feel justified for doing so. i was disappointed and upset easily. i had strong inclinations to block off the world and hide in my room, even from mervin whom i was waiting the whole week to see. all ths coupled with my sudden fear of going blind (imustsoundreallyneurotic(maybeiam)).

and then there i am sitting alone at mass on sunday morning and the gospel is read out and jesus heals the blind man who can't see yet recognises him. i feel a jolt because well, there's that connection. the night before i'm sharing my fear of going blind with mervin, and the next morning, of all the readings in the world, there you have it. jesus healing the blind man. but i still don't understand. what were you trying to tell me?

as the church emptied out after mass, i stayed back to pray for a while and this thought just hit me. that the greatest tragedy was really being blind to love. it was a "whoa" moment. like something breaking through the ice around my heart the past few days. the blind man was only sightless, but he was not blind in his faith. he recognised his savior.

but still, i started the week cold. monday was shit. everything succeeded in rattling me. at night, i was in church and we were shifting our stuff to the new room and i picked up this small little book from our so-called msc library. "prison or praise". i took the book and left the room. cue: "to be continued.." of a serial you're watching where a twist happens in the end.

so i started reading this book and it amazed me how someone could not grow tired in being thirsty for god. i was amazed by how people listened and had their eyes well up in tears when he spoke such simple words. but didn't jesus speak such simple words too? isn't there alot of common sense in the bible which we can get from "real life" anyway? what is it that transforms lives and makes people go down on their knees and give up everything for this one thing? could it be....cognitive dissonance? maybe, for some people. but what about those who've been cold and dead for years and are resurrected suddenly?

then last night, i was reading an sms i had sent to mervin back in march. i was reminded of a time when i had been in such a spiritual drought. it was a time when i really wanted to pray but couldn't and it was painful. i remember how afraid i was. i remember the dreams i had where i woke up in misery and despair thinking i had lost my lord forever. i remember feeling there was nothing more if i was lost from god. and i remember how much i had thirsted for god, even when i couldn't believe. and as i read that sms last night, i started to wonder, what happened to that thirst? i mean, i could still love, i could still feel. but somewhere, i had grown lukewarm again.

and just as well, last night we went to meet aunty marifei, this amazing lady from philippines who took care of us the last time a bunch of us were there. she had come to singapore for a few days. she's going back tonight. anyway, these days i just don't have the drive to go out for social stuff during weekdays anymore. it's just work, work, work. but i decided to go anyway(somehow, despite the mountainload of work piling up, i seem to have time and energy for other things). and what a meeting. i think of her and i think of tom petty's "walls".

Cause you got a heart so big
It could crush this town
And I can't hold out forever
Even walls fall down

and meeting her and listening to her share further reminded me of that thirst. neil young wrote about how he had been searching for a heart of gold. and here it was, embedded in this little lady who couldn't stop hugging us and telling us she loved us and blowing us flying kisses as we parted ways last night. she's simple, she speaks common sense, and yet why does she move us so?

I want to live,
I want to give
I've been a miner
for a heart of gold.
It's these expressions
I never give
That keep me searching
for a heart of gold
And I'm getting old.
Keeps me searching
for a heart of gold
And I'm getting old.

I've been to Hollywood
I've been to Redwood
I crossed the ocean
for a heart of gold
I've been in my mind,
it's such a fine line
That keeps me searching
for a heart of gold
And I'm getting old.
Keeps me searching
for a heart of gold
And I'm getting old.

Keep me searching
for a heart of gold
You keep me searching
for a heart of gold
And I'm getting old.
I've been a miner
for a heart of gold.

so well, it's one tragedy to be blind to love. and it's another to withhold love. that's what i'm trying to say in this one long post.

i love god, i love my family, i love mervin, i love my friends, i love aunty, i love reno and i don't want it to stop there. so much in this world misses love, has lost love, craves love. and i want to love with every fibre of my being and with all my heart, all my mind, all my soul and all my strength. no more crawling back into holes and hiding just because i'm afraid the world will reject me. seriously, there's so much loving to do! i'm not ready for the world? maybe. or maybe, the world's not ready for me. =)

someone stuck a piece of a wristband on some part of the window pane of my ticket booth today and it was blank and i was bored and i wrote the all too familar verse by blake on it.

"to see the world in a grain of sand,
and heaven in a flower;
hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
and eternity in an hour."

and then i go back to reading "veronika decides to die" by paulo coelho and then read a paragraph about Infinity and Eternity and my heart stops and then starts, but only this time, it beats with a new vigour. is it a coincidence or merely the language of the universe? i'm not too sure about coincidences these days.

sometimes, alot of times these days, i feel sad during the nights or in the mornings when i'm alone. i don't know how i got this way because i used to love these moments. and today, i felt sorry for myself when i caught myself trying desperately to fill up the empty spaces of the day with people and activities to battle the time alone. then we sang a line of a verse of a song today..

"are you sinking in your sorrow?"

and i thought to myself, hell yeah.

and then...

"come spend some time with me, come away.."

such simple words. spoke volumes to me. why do i desperately try to fill up the loneliness and then crumple into a heap of despair after that feeling tired and angry that it's reached such a state? no really...the question is..why do i need to? is it a form of indulgence? is it my pride? or is it that i just forgot?

alot of times, i feel alot of things. things touch me in so many ways and i can't tell you i'm happy i can't tell you i'm sad but i can tell you i'm happysadmadglad and a whole lot more, if a whole lot more could say the whole lot. i can feel joy the way a perfect sunset brings joy in the midst of profound sadness that only sunsets can bring and i can feel profound sadness amidst the happiest day in the world. now tell me, am i crazy or am i alive? or are they the same?

was eating a slice of hawaian stuffed crust pizza for dinner while watching ripley's believe it or not. totally ruined my appetite for the normally yummy cheesy stuffed crust. today's show featured this maggotty cheese which was banned in most places but still eaten as a delicacy in a certain village in italy. it's supposed to leave a pungent after-taste but people eat it because they believe in its powerful aphrodisiacal quality. but like, there i was eating cheese while watching people eating maggot-ridden cheese..fwjnefkfml..gross...

i hear thunder. hope it rains tonight so i can sleep really snugly. life's funny. here i am hoping it'll rain. but i'm sure there are people out there who pray every night that it doesn't because they have no roof over their heads or blankets to keep them warm. everyone wants different things. if god gave everyone what they wanted, my gosh...i say, god, just give us what you want...haha, who am i to tell god what to do?

a strange feeling has been coming over me these days. i can feel happy and sad and excited and scared all at once. change is inevitable and the inevitable is almost here if it is not here already. on friday, the realisation of the inevitable hit me like a brick and the fierce pounding of the dragon dance percussions only made my heart beat faster and more furiously. i was desparate to get out of there and run away forever but i didn't know where to go. people everywhere. and the thoughts just started swimming around in my mind like a whirlpool and emotions welled up within with no outlet except through my eyes. felt like a scene from a movie. a tiny little vessel of sadness lost and struggling to float amidst a sea of happy faces and noises of celebration. alas, i made my escape but only from school. there were still many more people to meet. but at least, i didn't have to keep looking at the inevitable in its face...

and the rest of the day, i felt sad everytime i thought about it. perhaps, a bit angry too. then i would forget about it and let it go and be totally at peace with it. and then something would trigger it off and i'd feel blue again. and then not so blue. and yet, somehow, through all this madness, the maddest part was, that i felt a constant excitement deep within. i was a torrential mess i tell you. but somehow, the excitement kept me sane. was it hope? i feel it was hope rooted in knowing through believing. and perhaps, it was also gratefulness and awe. i must sound mad. haha..

strange things have been happening within me. i won't say that it's good or bad. i'll just say that it's new and unlike anything i've been before...

"something tells me i'm into something good..."

(seems like i've started a habit of ending with lines from songs..)

just got back from thailand yesterday. bangkok is really different from phuket or khaolak. the moment i stepped into the bangkok airport, i could tell it was going to be a totally different experience and i was right.

i felt a bit sad and disoriented on the whole of the first day after touching down. i was struggling to find something good, something true. i missed the sincerity and the warmth of old takuapa in khaolak. the friendliness and laid back attitudes of the friends we made in phuket. the joy and simplicity of eating street food without having to worry so much. it's as though we always had to watch our back lest we get cheated or something. and how sex sells!

"want to see thai girl show? ping pong balls? bottle caps?"

it just made me feel empty inside. and empty vessels make the most noise right? my soul felt restless and the noise inside was deafening and unbearable. i felt sad because these people felt they had no choice,other than to lie, to cheat and to pervert. they sell things for prices way over the top. some taxi drivers refuse to turn on their meters. the tuk tuk drivers are up to some treacherous ploy behind their crooked smiles. you are approached every few seconds by these friendly blokes with menus only to realise it's sex they are selling.

they think it's the faster and easier way. but it's not. it's worse. the truth always has a way of coming out. and whatever is hidden will be revealed in the time to come. it made me think of starwars. there were the good taxi drivers who switched on their meters. the gracious shopowners who didn't cheat. the kind lady who offered us help for free. then there were the taxi drivers who didn't play according to the rules and stuck up middle fingers. the tuk tuk driver who charged us more because we wouldn't go see that thai girl show. the shopowners who cheat. it's like how anakin turned to the dark side. it's not the faster and easier route. it's an uglier route which leads to decay.

on wednesday evening, we went for mass. (we had also gone the day before and i was amazed and overwhelmed by the peace that enveloped me when my soul had been so heavy and noisy before that) i had not eaten lunch before that and i was hungry. and i thought about my hunger. and i thought about the people i had seen. and a prayer formed in my mind after receiving the eucharist. i realised that was what we needed. i could feed the hungry with love. quench the thirsty with love. clothe the naked and cold with love. cure the lonely and abandoned with love.

and i didn't feel so hungry anymore.

love seems like the harder and longer way. but it's the more beautiful way and it leads to life and times of refreshing.

nevertheless, i did have a really good time ultimately and maybe because of those powerful experiences. my entourage consisted of a fantastic bunch of people. alvin, mel lee, kelly (my roommate), dominic and merrill. we were never short of laughter and love.

by the end of the trip, i managed to find it. there was goodness. there was truth. anywhere and everywhere. it's in all of us. do we choose to live in disgrace and ignore the divine in us? that is the question. somehow, while i was there in the heart of bangkok, powerful messages about life and love were revealed to me. keep your eyes open! said the travelling guru in me. there is so much to see! and keep your heart and mind open! and be in awe...

have i ever mentioned that i can't stand wednesdays? well, i do not particularly like wednesdays. when i wake up on wednesday mornings, a wave of nausea hits me and i know it's the wednesday blues. wednesdays are the longest days in the week. and wednesdays reek of painful memories. wednesdays begin with a gruelling 3-hour econs lesson where i just wanna run away from and never come back but i am not brave or foolish or intelligent enough to do so. so, right now, i'm still sitting in my introduction to economics class typing out this sad, sad post.

it rained quite a bit last night. i was struggling to sleep and for the first time in a long time, i heard thunder. i guess i didn't mind because it's been a while since i heard that familiar sound. it made me feel snug and safe in my bed but why does "it" always have to be at the back of my mind? why can't i just forget? i'm ok throughout the day i guess. it's just the mornings and nights, where i'm alone with my thoughts and can't escape the ghost of it all.

walking on water and if i don't take the next step with faith, i will surely sink. faith is all that can keep me afloat.

i just sat there yesterday, silent as a stone. voices, noises, exchanged and thrown. i felt sad and i missed you so much. you would have been my only friend then. noone saw and noone knew. seems people only piss on others simply because they can. that's why the good guys always die first. i'm angry and sad and need you to know. i speak in codes on a webpage which you might never see (and i kinda hope you never do) while others pass it by and wonder what's up with this silly girl.

p.s. you is not you.

isn't the sight of an abandoned blog such a sad one?

words are racing through my mind, sporadically. but none seem to stop for breath. so i'm just leaving sympathy words here for a decomposing blog, almost forgotten and covered in dust as life passes it by.

have you ever tried to cry just so that you'd know there was still something alive in you? just so you'd know that some things still touch your heart in the deepest crevices? to bleed just to know you're alive?

it's funny. things SEEM to tug at my heart's strings easily these days. but the tears just crystallise before they can ever come out. and i wonder whether i've grown cold. whether in psycho-ing myself into thinking i've become stronger, i've only just become frozen. it's scary. i don't want to be that way. it seems that if we can't feel anymore, we've more or less died. that's when everything seems empty. that's when the maggots in our minds devour us.

is it the exams that taint my vision with a tint of blue? why does everything....seem so sad? why does my heart....feel so bad?

all around me are familiar faces
worn out places
worn out faces

bright and early for the daily races
going nowhere
going nowhere

their tears are filling up their glasses
no expression
no expression

hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
no tomorrow
no tomorrow

and I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
the dreams in which I'm dying
are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
when people run in circles it's a very very
mad world
mad world

children waiting for the day they feel good
happy birthday
happy birthday

and I feel the way that every child should
sit and listen
sit and listen

went to school and I was very nervous
no one knew me
no one knew me

hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
look right through me
look right through me

and I find it kinda funny
I find it kinda sad
the dreams in which I'm dying
are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
when people run in circles it's a very very
mad world
mad world

enlargen your world

mad world

mad world by gary jules

today's song is dire strait's "so far away". i love it! the starting bassline, the way the chorus comes in, the deep vocals, the instrumentals, the lyrics. it has this really classic, carefree, bittersweet feeling and like new order songs, brings me back to sunday afternoon drives. papa always plays these cds and the music resonates through the speakers straight into my heart. and when i called home just now, he told me that he had another version of eleanor rigby which he would let me hear soon and was listening to currently. i wonder just how many versions there are. i was looking for it on youtube and heard all sorts of versions ranging from pop rock to jazz to heavy metal and techno. amazing.

my last few days in dunedin, today will be my second last and i'll spend it with pravin who'll be touching down in dunedin in approximately 12 hours or so. can't believe it. my life in singapore is like a whole other world and it'll be so strange to have someone cross over from that world into this one. it'll be strange to see him walking the streets of dunedin, sitting in my car, staying in backpackers together. it just feels like it's been forever since i was here and yet, i will be home in about a week or so.

shanny and i were just reflecting today sometime in the middle of our bimbo tai tai escapade (hey it's possible alright!) today that we might be thinking right now about how we wish we had done so many things earlier or more often or both. but we agreed that it was not really about that. the fact is, things always feel different in the last few moments. every moment takes on a different, more brilliant hue. there's a sense of urgency, revelation, intensity, a certain burst of energy and life, and no matter how many times you've touched the mimosas and watch them close as you stroll on the fields on your way home, no matter how many times you've held the hand of the one you love, no matter how many times you've sat at the same spot staring out of your window at the cars and the trees and the clouds and the people each day, these moments will still feel different when you become aware that those moments may be one of the last ones you'll have.

we were also thinking about how the most intense and extreme experiences are necessary in order for life to progress. we might be mothers one day and we might have to experience labour and the pains of childbirth to bring another life into the world some day. i can't imagine it and yet, it's universal. everyone will have to die one day, and what is more extreme than death in this life? just think about it, as insane and intense as these experiences may seem, everyone must and will go through them. you can choose to skydive, you can choose to bungy, but you can't choose to not die, which is way scarier and more thrilling than any other activity you can conjure. and no coward or hero can ever run away from that.

i know i keep getting all emo and blogging about goodbyes and the last moments and life and death. it's just that these moments inspire me the most, they awaken something in me, they teach me so much more, they put music in my heart and paint all sorts of colours i've never seen before but continually fall in love with. and i want to share this with whoever i can. grab hold of these moments, think about the awesomeness and fragility of this beautiful transient existence and what a miracle each day, each breath is. no matter how boring you feel your life is, no matter how sad an existence you think you lead, no matter how hopeless your future may seem, no matter how mundane your days have been, look beyond it all, be thankful for each and every moment you are presently in. (i really believe that a joyful heart is one that is sincerely thankful.) and love like there's no tomorrow. love like your heart is on your fire and you could just explode from it.

well, i haven't been updating much recently and i doubt i might in the near future since i'll be leaving dunedin this sunday for good, after which i will be roadtripping with pravin and shanny. and soon, i'll be back home. people keep asking me, am i sad to leave? i have this to say. i'm happy i was here. i'm happy i'm here. i'm happy i'll be home soon. i don't wish anything different from what is given to me now. in fact, i'm grateful and i trust even more that i don't have to wish things to be different at all, ever, simply because i know that i'm always given what's best for me. love always wants the best for us. and i trust completely in that love. and if i ever forget, which i so often do, please be patient with me and remind me. shake me up and pinch me silly if you have to, just don't ever let me forget.

i wanted to start this post with something ...whoa....you know? to capture the whole day and all these feelings in my heart. but well, this is it i guess. haha.

see, i wanted to find a word that rhymes with blues to replace blues in "monday blues" but i wanted it to be a happy word. can someone think of a good alternative? i decided i'd just get straight to the post. 2 paragraphs and i'm still beginning the post. haha. okok. shut up and talk(type)!

i feel like i'm in my essence today. somehow, i feel hopeful yet again. it's been a long time since i've felt this way, alive and brimming with the joy of just being. term break is over and maybe that's a good thing though all SMU students must think i'm nuts for saying that. and today as i was going to school for my first conflict resolution class, i just knew, like really knew in my heart, that everything was going to be alright...no matter what. more importantly, i simply knew i was on the road to joy. funny i was thinking that because jack johnson's rainbow from the thicker than water album happened to be playing on my player.

Well I woke up this mornin',
Rainbows filled the sky,
Yes I woke up this mornin',
Rainbows filled the sky,
And there was god,
Tellin me,
"Everything.. Everythings gonna be alright"

i had been telling myself for some time now that i had to snap out of this sadness. the only reason i didn't was because i was too stuck in my ways. in my reply to janice's comment in the last post, i mentioned a bit about how sadness had become addictive. psycho alert! but really, do you ever indulge in misery? do you like to stay in a sad mood longer than you know you should? if you are no stranger to this blog and to me, you are probably no stranger to my blackhole theories. when you are in blackhole, you are sucked into an illusion which seems to create the reality you live in. and everything that enters your sphere of being gets sucked into it as well. you really believe you are weak, powerless, unworthy, unlovable and whatever else you are creative enough to imagine. seriously, there is no truth in these words you tell yourself when you are in such a place, but you believe with all your heart as if it's THE truth. and believe you me, i am one rather creative piece of creation.

why was i so happy today? do you know what it feels like to see things AS THEY ARE? world, this may be no big deal to you but to me, it is mind-blowing. i took the double-decker 147 home today and did something i haven't done in a long time. as i reached the upper deck, one of my blog posts about how i sat right in front of the upper deck of a double-decker one day came to mind and no prizes for guessing where i ended up. as i sat there, i just looked and looked and looked! there was so much to see! and i realised that for once, i was looking without all these things caught in my mind. it was such a pleasure to look really. i looked at the buildings, i looked at the cars, i looked at the drivers, i looked at passengers sitting on upper decks in other double-decker buses, i looked at a man starting up his motorcycle and putting on his helmet, i looked at the huge advertisements on sides of buildings, i looked at the skinny old man cycling his bike across a busy road as though he was the king of it, oblivious to the fact that all the cars were turning onto that road, i looked at the drains, i looked at the grey skies, i looked at the branches of trees and marvelled how they were literally reaching up to the sun, i looked at the old man in his wheelchair sitting at the lobby of the hospital with his caretaker staring blankly at traffic on the road and wondered what was going through his mind, i looked at the windows and doors of flats and wondered who live behind them, i looked and looked and looked and i never felt so happy just simply...looking! everything seemed clearer, more alive, brighter, more hopeful....or maybe it was just me. being in blackholes makes the world so small and dark and you can't really see what is outside. being inside so long makes this experience today feel so new and awe-inspiring, as though i've just been let out of prison, as though my eyes are adjusting to the brightness of the sun after being cooped up in a dark room for so long.

i had to take a picture, you know me. so there i am sitting right infront of the bus with my camera poised to take a picture of some road with trees lining it and it makes me laugh inside thinking what the other passengers must have thought of this.

(looking at this sight just filled me with an inexplicable feeling of something like hope)

upon reaching home, i could not help but recognise that familiar bounce in my step and i could not help but smile. ever smiled for no reason? cuckoo! well, in the words of sheryl crow, if it makes you happy, it can't be that baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.....

and just now, mervin and i were going to the minor seminary adoration room for a while to pray. on the way, we stopped at hougang mrt for mervin to top up his card or something and we had to pass by the fair again! i've been dying to go on the ferris wheel, perhaps cos i miss how often we used to go on the rides at moreys piers. but we ended up on the challenger instead!!! haha, it was pretty fun. scary but not that scary. i still decided to scream just for the sake of it and made sure i kept my eyes open throughout, if not, what's the point right?? then i bought some boiled peanuts from the HUUUUUUUUUGE pasar malam (night market) and while waiting for mervin to draw money at the atm, my itchy fingers reached for a $1 coin in my pocket and i put it into the slot machine and turned the knob and bought myself a CLAPBALL. i had no idea what in the world that was and i just needed to know. and my gosh! clap it did!! hahaha. what you do is that you just throw it on the ground and this small little thing makes one helluva noise!! boy was i thrilled! and finally, like two small kids (though mervin says i should say one but whatever!), we headed to the ado. it was a cool experience. i was sitting there reading the gospel of luke and imagining jesus saying those words and doing all those things he did and when i looked up, he was also there in the eucharist right infront of me. 2000 years later, and he's still there, here, even in this little dot of an island in between some hdb blocks, still speaking to me, still working miracles, still forgiving, still healing, still loving...

later on, we took a short walk to punggol park next door so that we could enjoy the boiled peanuts under the clear, starry sky and when we looked up, we saw that a moon corona had formed again, only this time, the ring around it was red, unlike the rainbow one we saw the last time. and it was funny because then it started to look like a pair of lips with a piece of mentos in between and then, it morphed into a monkey's head with a pair of really thick red lips and the mentos still between them. i tried to take a photo but the phone camera wasn't good enough so too bad. as we walked back to the car, we paused a while to look at the reflection of the lights from the hdb blocks nearby in the pond/lake/whatever because for some reason, it just looked beautiful today. here's a picture...

while walking back to the car, we saw this cat lazing on the hood of someone's car and found it pretty funny. the cat just continued posing for this shot (i took pretty long to take it cos it was so dark)...cats...pfft!

and finally, we called it a day. on the way back, we stopped by 7-11 so that he could buy bread and my mocha. and now, i'm back home typing this post so that i won't forget this day. and can i just add a picture of cute little sarah-ann smiling because it would be a crime to not do so? (that's her mommy carrying her and she happens to be my godmama as well.)
and you know during lent, how we decide we want to give up a particular something? i decided what i want to give up (yes i know lent has aready started). i want to give up this bad addiction of mine, this addiction to misery. i don't care anymore why or how i got this way. i just know it's not working and it sure has a way of disconnecting me from god from community from life from love. it is totally disempowering, not just for me but for those around me as well. lent is supposed to be solemn right? for me, it will be a period of joy, of new life and transformation. and when it is over, my old wine skin will be made new to hold the new wine of christ and i will be a new being. i am giving up being sad. (yay!) and i have an action plan for it too. the most important part of this plan...prayer! if there's one thing i've learnt throughout this time of being in this dessert, it probably has got to be something to do with faith. i can't tell you i'm totally enlightened and i know all the answers now, but i can tell you that faith really does move mountains and creates paths where none appear to exist. i knew, yesterday, that i desired to be happy. i didn't know how. but i prayed and i just knew that no matter how tall this request seemed, he would grant me it. and today when i woke up, i didn't have to check whether i had it. i already knew it the moment i prayed.

if the past few weeks, this dessert and the gospel of luke lectures have taught me anything, it is this: lord, i'm not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and i shall be healed.

it stung like a violent wind, that our memories depend, on a faulty camera in our minds / the last moments

i came to say goodbye to you. as with most other goodbyes, i pray it isn't, it wasn't, the last. chatter steadily filled the room as more people entered. our conversation dissolved into theirs. they were asking me all these questions and i was giving them all these answers, but my gaze was on yours. yours was on things not seen, but most definitely felt. a tear broke free from your right eye and poetically traversed down the lines on your face. you summoned what little strength you had then and uttered the next few words slowly and purposefully.

"shireen. i feel very sad. you are leaving." i wiped your tear away, that precious tear, and told you that i would come back and that i would see you again.

"mmm," your standard reply as you signalled your acknowledgment. it took too much for you to talk these days, i treasured every word you spoke. i treasure every word you speak now.

the truth is, we both didn't know whether that was the truth. the truth is, my heart was breaking through my reassuring smiles. i don't know who i was trying to reassure.

but you let me go anyway and we promised to always say a prayer for each other. i gave you a hug and kissed you. it was time to leave, there were bags to pack and a plane to catch.

i replay this scene over and over in my head now, fiercely clinging onto, protecting, preserving, every moment we shared. time plays tricks on us and memories always seem to blur into one, but i resolve to never forget you.

i walked into a beautiful church the other day. i remembered your words. "light a candle for me whenever you enter a church." the grandeur of the church and the simple candle set alight, it couldn't have been more fitting. our insignificance is, in reality, surrounded by and drenched in divinity. a simple prayer for a beloved grandmother wafted into heaven then. three days later, they tell me you're unconscious and haven't stirred since. yet, there's a quiet calm because i know that heaven is with you in that silence.

but one thing is true and this is for certain. i love you, amama. thank you for everything. you couldn't have been more perfect and you did good. you did great.

i pray these words will somehow reach you. i pray that God preserves your beautiful heart, clothing it with peace and his glorious love, even as your life here slowly fades.

again, i love you. i love you. thank you.

falling in love with the most unlikely subject

all said and done, i would still choose to be me if i had to live my life all over again. the flipside of those woeful emotions that befall me is an amazing richness and depth in the way i experience beauty, love, joy, faith, magic, peace, passion, life....and i wouldn't trade that for anything (well, hopefully with a little more self-control on the angry-sad-hate side). it's really a package deal, take it or leave it. but just so you know, i love myself, i love being me, and,

i actually don't think there's anything wrong with that.

raw

i wonder, no. i know, that i seem to place a lot of importance in pleasing people. it's pretty funny, and maybe even pretty insane.

like take for instance, i was at this retreat from monday to wednesday at the canossian spirituality centre where i happened to pick up a few books from the library about dying. and some other books not about dying as well. took the whole stack and sat outside my room along the balcony/corridor facing the bukit batok nature reserve. the australian priest who stays there comes along as his office is nearby my chosen spot. he asks what book i'm reading and i tell him, "life after death" by raymond moody and he says something about how we should be reading books about and focusing on this life first and it's my response to this that perplexes me. i look like i'm there talking with evelyn and cheryl anne and we've gone on to other subjects and are laughing about other things and the priest has already gone into into his office but in my mind, i'm still stuck on the same one subject. "what's wrong with this book i'm reading? what's wrong with me? does the priest think i'm not very wise? i hate that he thinks i'm foolish. i hate that maybe i've been foolish all this while. i don't want to be foolish. i don't want him to think i'm foolish. i want him to think i'm special. i want him to like me. blablabla."

and then i started thinking, how nonsensical these thoughts are. firstly, i'm shireen. secondly, i'm interested in this dying thing, in those spectacular, intense, scary, beautiful, unpredictable moments separating one life from another and, so what? thirdly, why do i care so much about what this priest thinks about me? i am who i am and i love who i was made to be.

take another example for instance. i was leading praise and worship for session today and i was pretty nervous. i know i prepared and i prayed and i reflected. i know that what i typed out on those pieces of paper was real and genuine and not just plain fluff. then it was time to start. i stood there, looked around at the faces of my friends as i was sharing, praying, leading, and i would see what i thought was a blank face and i'd start thinking about what this person is thinking. "oh, why is she so long-winded? can she just get to the song already? i want to sit down. ok, good try leading, shireen. at least, she tried." and then i'd start thinking, "oh man, am i really lousy at this? do they think all i said is fluff? maybe it is. who i am kidding? it probably is. blablabla."

and then now i think about it. and it's just plain rubbish again. these thoughts. how sad it is that i discount my own experiences and identity because of the fear that others may not like or agree with me. these thoughts get so loud and in-my-face i sometimes get bored and nervous about the sound of my own voice when i'm talking to others.

see, it's not the priest. i have nothing against him. i rather like him, he could be santa if he had a long white beard and snowy locks. it's not my friends who just happened to look the way they do. it's just that i've been like this as far as i can remember. i want to please people. i want people to like me, to say good things about me....but ultimately, it's because i want to know i'm not wrong, that i didn't make the wrong choices, that i'm a good person, that i'm lovable. like, i have to be a certain way to be lovable, to prove to you that i'm lovable. which is just crazy because i know i'm a good person. i know who i am. i know i love who god has made me to be, just the way i am. i know this. and yet, why do i need to prove it to anyone?

i guess i'm beginning to understand why. i grew up like this. i don't blame anyone. but i somehow learnt that to avoid being blamed and hated and shunned and misjudged by the people closest to me, i had to make myself liked by them. because i paid a price when i was disapproved of. i found myself feeling guilty and disgusted with myself when i was disapproved of. maybe it was their words, maybe it was my need to feel loved and accepted, maybe it was their insecurities, maybe it was my need to prove to them i was a good person and they could trust and depend on me, that i wasn't the monster they said i was, that i didn't deserve to be called and labeled all the things they called and labeled me as, maybe i just wanted them not to give up on believing in life and its goodness. alot of maybes. i bent over backwards and bit my lip so many times for it. it ate me up inside. i could handle it though. i was strong. i trusted and believed. i loved.

but these days, every little sign of disapproval or disagreement or lack of interest in me seems to get me feeling edgy and worried, like i failed something. and i'm not so nice about it anymore. i don't just take it in anymore like i used to. initially, i still might, but then i hate patronising people and i hate living in a bubble of untruth. i want to make people pay for it, to show them that they made me feel this way, to make them feel the same way i feel, or just to assure me that i'm still loved. or i just believe what they say about me and fall deeper into my doubts about myself. i'm short on love and high on impatience and anxiety. i'm slow to love but fast to get angry and upset. i show everything opposite of what paul says about love in corinthians. impatient, rude, angry, jealous, insecure, keeps account of wrongdoings, you name it, you got it.

that's not all. i start to feel i've failed and not done my duty as a good person when i see all this suffering around me and can't do anything about it or don't know how to. i feel so disappointed in myself, i feel i don't have a right to be so happy, all these things. it all somehow links with all the misery i inflicted upon myself when others inflicted their own misery on me. i felt i didn't have a right to be so happy then. that if they were miserable, then i should be too. maybe all this, this whole post, it all sounds crazy. but i don't think i'm alone in having thoughts like these. i think we all have them, some of us, more, and some, not so much.

well not every uneasy feeling is bad. sometimes, restlessness is a sign that one needs to be spurred to take action about something important. but i won't talk about that now though some of the uneasiness i feel now is about that too. and some of the uneasiness i feel now also has to do with a whole lot of other stuff as well. but i'll probably never get round to sleeping and just end up with a very bad headache if i try to think it ALL out now...

well, at least now i can put a finger on it more clearly. i don't think i'm spiralling into a black-hole just yet. actually, i think i have been in one for some time (don't need to be surprised, most people never show it). but i guess i'm kinda trying to make my way out and i'm aware i am/was(?) in one. i think i've pretty much become a baby again, in loving, in believing. but i still love, and i still believe. i think i've fallen many steps behind but i know it's not the end, it's not everything and i know it's time to humble myself and take those baby steps. i feel like i am starting from the beginning all over again and progress is slow, oh how i stumble and fall again and again. how i throw my tantrums and become a lump of hopelessness (i'm sorry and thank you for your patience). but i am taking those baby steps determinedly, with thanks and praise in my heart. baby hope, baby faith. but still hope and faith nonetheless. don't let me let go.

ever watched "crash"? sometimes i feel so afraid i'll turn into sandra bullock's character. angry, paranoid and unhappy for the longest time. we look at her and think, nar, we'll never be that anal. but you know what? it doesn't seem so impossible, at least for myself.

i didn't sleep much last night. i keep thinking and thinking. but this isn't really something new. everytime i'm about to leave the country, i get like this. i start thinking about goodbyes, all sorts of goodbyes. death, especially. i start thinking about all the relationships i have in life. i start thinking about things i should and want to do. have i flown a kite yet? have i eaten ba chor mee at 85 yet? have i had the conversations i've really wanted to have with certain people? did i make my peace with everyone? did i let them all know just how much i love them?

but late last night as i lay in bed, i felt disappointed and scared. i felt that my last days here would be bitter and rushed. i felt that i hadn't made my peace with some people. i felt that i had forgotten to love some people. i felt that i still hadn't been loved the way i want to be. i felt that i had failed to "get" some people and failed to be "gotten" by others. and i just cried helplessly into my pillow as though i were grieving for something.

time's running out for me here. i know it's not like i'm dying. but we can never be too sure about that. and being away from almost everyone you've ever known and loved, you just can't take chances here. that's why the moment between life and death is so intense. everything becomes brighter and bigger and i guess a sense of isolation also kicks in because the people around you can't understand that.

don't get me wrong. i love travelling. it made up most of my dreams when i was younger and still does. but there's a tricky part to travelling. two, actually. the goodbyes. and then, the hellos. (how do you start over? just.like.that.)

romance, friendships, break-ups, births, deaths, going away, coming home, life before death, life after death. you gotta admit, there's some travelling involved there. some hellos, some goodbyes. and the heart will undergo some extremities. intense pain, the aches seem almost unbearable. intense joy, as though you would just burst any second.

i just needed to say this, to who i don't know. we're all bursting with things we're dying to say, we all just want to be gotten. but there's lots to be thankful for too. and god forbid i ever forget to be grateful! i'm sad, but i'm also really alot of other things. so stay tuned for the next post...