ever watched "crash"? sometimes i feel so afraid i'll turn into sandra bullock's character. angry, paranoid and unhappy for the longest time. we look at her and think, nar, we'll never be that anal. but you know what? it doesn't seem so impossible, at least for myself.

i didn't sleep much last night. i keep thinking and thinking. but this isn't really something new. everytime i'm about to leave the country, i get like this. i start thinking about goodbyes, all sorts of goodbyes. death, especially. i start thinking about all the relationships i have in life. i start thinking about things i should and want to do. have i flown a kite yet? have i eaten ba chor mee at 85 yet? have i had the conversations i've really wanted to have with certain people? did i make my peace with everyone? did i let them all know just how much i love them?

but late last night as i lay in bed, i felt disappointed and scared. i felt that my last days here would be bitter and rushed. i felt that i hadn't made my peace with some people. i felt that i had forgotten to love some people. i felt that i still hadn't been loved the way i want to be. i felt that i had failed to "get" some people and failed to be "gotten" by others. and i just cried helplessly into my pillow as though i were grieving for something.

time's running out for me here. i know it's not like i'm dying. but we can never be too sure about that. and being away from almost everyone you've ever known and loved, you just can't take chances here. that's why the moment between life and death is so intense. everything becomes brighter and bigger and i guess a sense of isolation also kicks in because the people around you can't understand that.

don't get me wrong. i love travelling. it made up most of my dreams when i was younger and still does. but there's a tricky part to travelling. two, actually. the goodbyes. and then, the hellos. (how do you start over? just.like.that.)

romance, friendships, break-ups, births, deaths, going away, coming home, life before death, life after death. you gotta admit, there's some travelling involved there. some hellos, some goodbyes. and the heart will undergo some extremities. intense pain, the aches seem almost unbearable. intense joy, as though you would just burst any second.

i just needed to say this, to who i don't know. we're all bursting with things we're dying to say, we all just want to be gotten. but there's lots to be thankful for too. and god forbid i ever forget to be grateful! i'm sad, but i'm also really alot of other things. so stay tuned for the next post...