i just wanted to say...

ever since i came to new zealand, i've been continually surprised by a certain realisation...loneliness doesn't seem to touch me here. and another funny thought has been rolling around in my mind, bittersweet, sharp and mild, like a super-cola sweet in the warm coccoon of my mouth...only two things make me cry here, onions and.

and then yesterday, i had forgotten to change my sim card to my new zealand one the whole day (maybe i forgot on purpose cos i was waiting for. (punctuation intended, explanation perceived as necessary for my greek blogging) (does this not look almost like a maths equation/problem?)). so at 745pm, i get a call and in 10 minutes, i was all dressed up and ready to go watch harry potter. tickets were booked for me since morning, i had no idea. they were trying to contact me the whole day day, i had no idea. i was feeling totally sick the whole day, and i predicted a night of lying in bed or staring at my laptop (waiting some more, thank god it was not so). next thing i know, i was whisked away in a little car to watch a glasses-wielding young wizard try yet again to defeat he-who-must-not-be-named, followed by late night supermarket shopping (hey, there was a car and i know a good opportunity when i see one). and i was thinking to myself, how life can change with just one phonecall (don't some of us just know this too well). or the change of a sim card. and i cut my connection with one whole part of my life. and begin one (sometimes, again) with another.

when the skies here are blue, they are very blue. and at night, when the sky is clear, i see more stars than i've seen anywhere else in the world (though the kiwis don't seem to see what's the big deal as they say i ain't seen nothing yet). and it just blows my mind, that something so limitless can exist. again and again, it just blows my mind.

we were driving along the outskirts of christchurch, rolling hills, blue blue lakes, snow-covered mountains, and at times i wondered, why wasn't my heart beating so fast? it usually would. and i realised, it's cos it all seemed too easy. me being there. it was just too easy. how could i just...be there...like that? by accident (there was no accident! i feel like this whole post is filled with unintended puns!)...unplanned...in a little blue car...hour after hour, how could there be more and more?? it just seems so unreal sometimes. all this. how can there be a new gorgeous place to see weekend after weekend? insane!

and providence. from the moment i left singapore. each step of my way, each day, each meal, each..everything, it's pretty hard to explain. and it's probably the reason why i'm pretty cool about everything, no worries. i know, i mean, i really just KNOW, that god's hand is upon me. i know his angels are doing a real kickass job. oh you won't believe! and i know that there are many people who love me and are praying for me everyday. and like all those other times when i've gone for mass in foreign countries, it's no different here. i love it! it really makes me appreciate the eucharist more and it really becomes the highlight of my sunday. there's just me anyway. i tried to ask certain catholics i had met here whether they would like to go for mass with me on sundays, but it appears that catholics don't go to church anymore! haha. and of all people, my hindu flatmate, whom i hadn't even asked, said she would accompany me some sundays because she finds it very peaceful just being there.

over here, i love to ask questions. i love to contribute in class. i make more effort to do readings and catch up on work and study a little harder. i don't know why. the strangest thing is there's no class participation point system here. and the stranger thing is, in SMU, when there's one, i just find it such an ABHORRING CHORE to participate. class participation points. yuck. i guess it's got something to do with intrinsic and extrinsic motivations and rewards. that theory about being more intrinsically motivated to achieve something or fulfil a task when the external gains are few, if any, and the higher the external gains/rewards, the lower the intrinsic motivation for the task or whatever, it's just extrinsic.

this post should have been a long one, full of pictures. i've been here almost a month. i've been away from home for almost a month! i feel like i've been here forever. sometimes, the past starts to feel like a dream. i remember things, i remember people, i remember reno's head on my lap, i remember waking up on my bed in the morning and opening my eyes to the blue sky and the purple walls, i remember walking on the field to the busstop under the hot afternoon sun, i remember driving the car around at nights, i remember alot of things, random things, sentimental things, bizarre things. but they're just memories, there are holes in them, blurs in some corners. guess because everything around me is so unfamiliar and foreign, and somehow, not. and i find i don't wonder about tomorrow. i don't know what tomorrow will bring and it doesn't seem to matter. i deal with tomorrows as they come. my mind is filled with less thoughts, consuming thoughts, thoughts consuming thoughts. and my head and heart seem to be where my feet is. there's a certain kind of peace that comes with that. until the part when i think about. then i blink my eyes and walk on. that's the part i don't know how to deal with. maybe sometimes i purposely think about it, i purposely remember it, i purposely get sad and all emo about it, so that i'd know it's worth coming back to again some day. i really don't know.

does it sound like i've gone cold or bonkers, like the winter here? far from it really. by the way, the last 2 days have been pretty pleasant. 15 degrees celsius. it's like all of a sudden, spring/summer invaded and the board shorts, tank-tops and slippers all suddenly appeared. i'm not kidding.

but don't worry. i will do it eventually. that long post. and oh, what a long post it will be!!! and it'll probably take me a few days..insane!!! just can't promise when. i'm pretty random like that. i like it like that. but i do know i've got lots to say, when have i ever not?