what if i was called to be small, like really small, to be the least amongst the least?
what if my heart was called to be really big, so big i could explode from it?
what if i was called to let myself dissolve into nothingness, to make nothing about me?
what do i do with these desires, do i die to them all but one? because that one desire, if recognised, would consume my everything and nothing less?

wave after wave, the cup i'm swimming in is filling fast. and as the water rises, i'm begining to ask myself, is this what you are calling me to see, to be? because lately, i've come to realise that my love is not as selfless as i would desire it to be. most of the time, it seems to be about me. "do you see? do you notice?" and i wonder, how can two people love so differently, one so patient and constant, one so impulsive and wild, and both call it "love"? lately, i'm starting to see that perhaps they're two different ends of the spectrum. one, almost selfless. one, almost selfish. and the questions above, i've been thinking about them more and more, as the days go by, as i find myself sometimes curling up into a ball, feeling utterly torn apart inside, between my desire to be loved the way i want to and the desire to love the way i want to. it scares the hell out of me. but what is fear anyway? can i believe that my love could ever be THAT big?