bigger than my body

my pinchable cheeks have always been one of my trademarks. "oh hey look at shireen. let's pinch her cheeks yay!" that kinda nonsense. so imagine my joy when mutu (M.P.) tried to pinch my cheeks and realised he couldn't pinch them anymore. hooray for weight loss yay because no matter how heck care you are about your weight, and if you are a girl and not terribly skinny, you can't deny that a tiny grin finds its way onto your face or you get a little light-headed with a sense of victory when someone says, "wow, you've lost a lot of weight ar?" and then, that little modest angel in you goes, "aw, nar.." or "what? you mean i was so fat last time.." and then the complimenter thinks, "man, girls are hard to please!"

so anyway, the point is, my cheeks are once again pinchable!!! shock horror gasp faint!! and my dear mother does not fail to point this out to me by laughing at the roundness of my face in the middle of giving me some instructions for whatever. in fact, a few days ago, i was looking in the mirror and marvelling at my cute little small mouth (also my trademark), only to realise it was cuter and smaller perhaps because my face was rounder! shock horror gasp! take me back to new zealand so that i can grimace at the high prices of restaurant food and washing dishes and survive on a staple diet of tuna sushi and a measly amount of something else which would constitute my two meals a day and a hell lot of walking from anywhere to anywhere you name it! aaargh!

what can i do? christmas, new year, holiday, ice-cream and chocolates, cheap hawker food everywhere, public transport, cars, taxis, oh my! so i tried to almost starve yesterday in my panic and today i helped myself to a nice bowl on ben n jerry's ice cream.

i can't believe i dedicated a whole or half post to food and weight-loss shame on you shireen.

oh bother, school is starting again soon. it makes me think about my days in otago last semester. well, about the days i did actually go for classes and study in the library. i liked it. i loved going to the music lab underground with windows near the top where you could see the feet of people walking by while trying to churn out a piece of music that would rock the instructor's socks off. it was like my secret dungeon, which opened up to a whole other universe once you were in it. i wish i had my own lab like that in my room with maybe just one mac desktop and one keyboard. for that one semester at least, i could do something i really loved without writing essays and whatever and actually be graded for it (with an A by the way!). but who's gonna care right? just me.

when i was on exchange, i actually found a new sense of confidence in myself. besides all the other stuff that comes with the package when you live independently, i was actually doing really well in school without the stress! or if there was stress, it would be the night before a big roadtrip where i was rushing to finish a bunch of essays beforehand so that i could enjoy the roadtrip with no dark clouds looming ahead. the end result, a bunch of As and well, one B+ but hey, all my essays and projects came out with As and A+s. and what's more, i thoroughly enjoyed myself and did almost everything i ever wanted to on my little getaways! and i remember thinking to myself, i am shining over here! i am a nobody but i am shining!

then i got back home, and it meant coming back to the reality of internships and grades and class participation points. pui! so anyway, to my horror, i realised that i would only be able to graduate with a merit, not even a cum laude, no matter how many A+s i get next sem! my grades in otago didn't matter because you only get pass/fail for your exchange credits (which i knew from the start, but wanted to shine, well, just because i could and for myself). and i thought about the hordes of other students who were aiming for their magnas and summas and i recalled my conversations with my career counselor months ago and how discouraged i felt after every session, feeling lousy, not-good-enough, a jack-of-all-trades, mediocre and lackluster. but see, something didn't add up. all my talents, my achievements, my character and personality reduced to one or two pieces of paper and a number? ah, what a waste i thought, what a waste. there's so much more!! way too much!

and so while i go on with life back here in singapore, joining in the crowds in the buses and trains and hunting for internships and preparing for classes and wondering about my future and all that jazz, i'm not entirely what you see. you may see me in the crowds, you may not. i may be invisible and insignificant, my presence just a feather floating from one point to the next. i may be just like any other girl you see, worrying about her weight and her looks, unpredictable and confusing, wearing hoop earrings and flip flops and talking about the most mundane things like the weather and heroes season 2 and whatever. ah, but what you can't see is this.

"Here is my secret. It is very simple: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye." (from the little prince) in me lies another universe where i see things in different colours and where possibilities are infinite and where memories carry me far, far away and help me believe in miracles. these thoughts i carry, these things i see, these things i've done, these places i've been to, these emotions i've experienced, there are some things noone can ever understand or experience the way i do and in that loneliness, it is untouched and sacred.

i just need to smile more.

"Bodies. Oh, groan. I've always just wanted to leave this body of mine. What a treat that would be. To be a beam of light, a little comet, jiggling itself loose from these wretched bones. My inner beauty could shine and soar! But no, my body is my test in life."
- Eleanor Rigby by Douglas Coupland