i need a break. i need to put myself around people who care and are not reckless with my heart. i need to stop being around people whose hearts i'm reckless with, at least until i learn how to stop being reckless with their hearts. i need to take myself out of situations where i have to pretend and end up feeling confused about who i am and utterly empty and alone inside. i definitely need to distance myself from triggers until i learn how to be calm. of course, i'll still have to go to school and meet my boss and get work done and blablubleah, but i will need to be more discerning regarding my socialising and activities.

sometimes, you have this bad feeling about things, but you just do it anyway, and it really turns out bad? some people call it the self-fulfilling prophecy or the workings of the laws of attraction, others call it intuition or gut feeling. well, i think it doesn't matter what it's called. if the feeling is there, i'm going to trust it for now. think about it. if it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, and you feel bad about it thereby causing it to turn out bad, would it change if you felt "good" about it? perhaps. but would you be able to change your mind to feel genuinely good about it. perhaps, with the help of cognitive dissonance or something. but i don't really buy that. if you feel bad about it, you just do, because some part of you is screaming no to it. and if that part is not resolved, it's going to screw everything up thus fulfilling your self-created prophecy. you can apply cognitive dissonance tactics on yourself, but you're just bullshitting yourself really. so the other scenario, gut feeling or intuition. well, if it really is and it really works, what have you got to lose? so i say, no point rushing into things, changing your feelings to suit the occasion instead of dealing with why it's even there (it'll come back with a vengeance!). instead, i will just say no when those bad feelings come and deal with them slowly and steadily. even if it means staying home on a friday night or breaking a daily routine.

i think i'm ready to leave my room today. i don't know how it'll be tomorrow. let's just take on today for now.