glitter

it's like god accidentally knocked over a bottle of glitter while he was turning the lights off and he said, "ah heck, i'll clean it up in the morning," because he was so tired from just doing and doing and doing and thinking and thinking and thinking and everyone was always taking and taking and taking and "they're saying it's my fault now?" and "oh! look at what a mess i made made made...heaven?!!" and as he sighed in awe while his heart overflowed, his breath carried some of that bizarre glittery powder to the other corners of the universe that was his room.

i close my eyes now and remember that night. the silhouettes of the mountains in the distance, the sound of the gentle waves lapping onto the lake shore, the fact that it may only have been 10pm but it looked like the rest of humanity had vanished from the face of the earth, poof! i remember how still yet alive everything was, how my "hero" younger bro, pravin, was wearing a singlet and freezing to death, how my butt got a shock when it decided to make itself comfortable on a cold, cold bench. but mostly, i remember the stars. there were so many, too many! supernumerary (dictionary.com's word of the day)!! i mused about how anyone could ever have come up with the concept of "constellations" had they been staring into the crowded insanely beautiful mess i was staring at then. i think now, that if i ever become a psychologist, i'd use the cloudless night sky at te anau as my rorschach ink(glitter)blot test and i reckon that somewhere along the way in my patients' attempts to draw lines and forms in that mess, they'd surrender to the phenomenon of awe and wonder and forget why they were seeing me in the first place. oh, and i caught some shooting stars gliding slowly across the sky that night and i wondered whether the two of us were the only ones who saw them at that moment and i felt doubly, triply, quadruply lucky as i had always believed that to see even one in your life was a remarkable feat.

i think of the strange calm i feel now even as i know i may have messed up big time this time, again. a mess i knew i was making even while i was making it, a mess i just needed to make. it's like i was inside looking out and outside looking in all at once. i know i could have stopped myself but i also know that i couldn't. maybe one day i'll feel sorry. maybe. and now, i think of that sudden silence that shouldn't be there, that little empty space in that part of my universe tonight. it should make me anxious, it should make me pick up that phone and do something foolish and irrational. but i just look at that phone, that blank, blank screen, and i look away and marvel at how it is unusually quiet in my head. i think of god knocking over that bottle of glitter and thinking of the mess he was going to have to clean up and then looking around to discover that life was still beautiful, in fact, possibly more beautiful than ever. i think of that deeply silent night where my heart drummed loud and free to a tune only i could hear as i pondered that purposeful gleaming mess and how perfect it was knowing that i/we were the only one/s who could have been witnessing that spectacle together with those great, majestic, ancient mountains in the distance then. you were not there, life was more silent than usual....but it was all, amazingly okay.

i know i'll be okay. =)