and isn't it ironic...don't you think?

an old man turned ninety-eight
he won the lottery and died the next day

it was just 2.5 seconds of vengeful gnawing and grating of that gate on the unsuspecting blue volvo and i didn't know whether to laugh or cry at it all!

the night before, i gave myself some pats on my back, pleased at the work i did and the hong bao (red packet used to present money in as gifts) i got for preparing a video and photo montage for a wedding that took place just a few hours before. that night, i lay in bed beaming to myself, recalling the smiles of the couple and their families and friends, replaying the praises and compliments lavished on me and of course, reminding myself that my bank account was going to be plumped up just a little bit more.

the next day, i woke up excited and slightly more hopeful about the future. i decided to go for a haircut. i walked out of the salon with bangs, having been successfully cajoled by the hairstylist.

then it happened, that very night.

i was driving into a certain place. (lets just call it that in case i get sued! though i stupidly complained about the accident to the boss of that place whom i personally know yes what a bimbo i am!). it was pretty dark, only one gate was opened, and i drove my dad's car in ever so slowly and even braked suddenly once, seeing how close my side view mirror was to the gate on my right. thinking the worst was over, i concentrated on turning in front instead. and that 2.5 seconds of turning my eyes away from that gate was all it took to cause a dent on the right rear door and a nice constellation of scratches to boot. immediately, i saw that big hong bao deflate, just like my balloon of joy a few moments before. poooooooooof!!

therein lay a few ironies....

irony 1. refer to alanis morissette's lyrics quoted at top of entry. fat hong bao today, skinny hong bao tomorrow.

irony 2: of all the days of my life, i chose to cut bangs on that fateful day, never daring to before, since i was 4? and for the first time since i started driving, i met my first...."bang", complete with dent and scratches!

irony 3: you can be soooooo damn cautious with everything in your life, trying to control every single part of it, but you're only human. you turn away for 2 seconds, and everything you've worked so hard for can just...disintegrate. just like that.

and i thought about the rat and the tooth he cracked the night before he was scheduled to go for his dental appointment. he brushes and flosses more than i ever do or ever will. he goes to the dentist more regularly than me (the last time i went was when i was in primary school or something??). and he had been postponing this particular appointment for a while and had finally made up his mind to go for it on this certain day. and the night before, while he was eating dinner with a friend, he suddenly felt this little piece swimming around with his food in his mouth and realised that one of his teeth was loose and jiggling. he had no idea what to make of this, especially because of the fact that he had finally decided to see the dentist the next morning, clearly not foreseeing this tooth-chipping incident. besides, its not like he even bit into anything hard and he had always taken such great care of his teeth!

when he told me the story, i swear my first response was amazement and awe. that his tooth could have chipped at any time but it did so only the night before his dental appointment, as though someone had foreseen this tooth-chipping thing and prepared so damn precisely the timing of his dental appointment! of course, the rat couldn't get past the fact that only bad things happen to him and he couldn't see or feel the amazement and excitement i felt at this realisation. how could he? he was in immense pain and discomfort, aggravated by burning, provoking questions about his life and the state of it.

then i thought about that car incident i had. how come i couldn't see it the same way i saw the rat's experience? why hadn't, or rather, WOULDN'T i see that i had gotten the money just when i needed it?? noone could have predicted this silly accident. and it's not like i even have a stable job at the moment. and yet, i had the cash on hand precisely when i needed it, no later, no earlier, just on time. but i refused to see it that way, no way. i was just mulling and fuming over how i had worked so hard to create that montage, how i could not show my parents that i was saving money and my bank account was really not that empty, how i was back to square one again, how of all the things i could have spent that money on, it would have to be on something as silly and mundane as repairing car damages that could have been avoided in the first place. hell, i didn't even plan on being in that place at all till the last minute that day, and only after much deliberation and finally, resignation. oh, all the what-ifs and whys!!

yea, just too busy pitying myself and worrying about things i never ever worried about before, like money. i mean, it's not that i take money for granted that i don't worry about it. rather, i'm immensely thankful for the comfortable and stable life my parents have provided for me so selflessly. it's just that, money has never been anywhere at the top of my list of priorities. when i was younger, and this could even be last year, i could foresee myself living with much less and being totally and unconditionally joyful! and then, with all this stress of getting a "proper" job and "doing something with my life", i can't help thinking that this means making lots of money to shut everyone up and show them that i can "do something with my life" and "get a proper job". i know, what a sellout.

which brings me to irony 4. of all days, i decide to start on yet another of paulo coelho's book (the valkyries) the afternoon i'm getting my haircut. and it's all about dreams, as are most of his books, and how almost all of us always end up killing the things we love most, like our dreams and the people closest to us. and that accident and my response to it just opened my eyes to the fact that i've been storing my riches in the wrong places, killing my dreams in the process.

but you can't see all this if you don't look into the distance, into the horizon, can you? as we grow older, we stop looking around, marvelling at how new and fascinating everything is, and we start to look inwards and wonder why our souls are shrinking. why wouldn't they be shrinking? it's like the universe only contains us and our rituals now and how alone we sometimes end up feeling. when we look into that horizon, we expand our universes and our souls have more room to grow, to feel, to see, to revel and explore! jesus said, "let the children come to me and do not stop them, because the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these."

and today as i was at mass, i asked myself, could i still sit here and praise and thank you, god, for everything in my life, even and especially for the things you took away? and now i can say, "you give and take away, still my heart will choose to say, blessed be your name."

who knew 2.5 seconds could teach someone so much? it could.

mr. play-it-safe was afraid to fly
he packed his suitcase and kissed his kids good-bye
he waited his whole damn life to take that flight
and as the plane crashed down he thought
"well isn't this nice..."
and isn't it ironic ... don't you think?

(disclaimer: the rat says i got the details wrong. he didn't chip his tooth during dinner and all the negative vibes come from me!! =P)