as i lie awake, waiting for something unknown to happen, some thoughts drift across my mind. sometimes, i liken my mind to mary poppin's handbag. where does it start or end? what will come out of it next??

this?

anger and hate aren't solutions. they aren't the armours they appear to be either. seems like the easier way out but really, it's none other than a faster and surer way down....down....down....into that blackhole you call a life....

we learnt during marketing class that bad news travels faster than good news through word of mouth. (skipping a few steps in between..) so fear has a stronger grip on humans than love, aye? "it's in line with evolution!" "survival!!" "bla bla bla!"

the opposite of love is not hate. i believe it's fear...and fear stinks! all this talk about wanting to be free and being free. let us not kid ourselves that we are free and happy little birdies when we live in the shadow of fear, hiding behind hate and anger and all those other supposed lean mean fighting machines and then thinking it is us, powerful and invincible. we will be ruined in no time, if we aren't already. oh what a mess, what a mess it'll be...

put on love as your armour. you will find that the real battle is not with your neighbour or the guy you call a #%$@*#. it is within...

i was walking home just now and from a distance, observed a lady walking her owner's dogs. one was on a leash. and another was walking beside her. ( it didn't need a leash) and as i walked on further, i saw the third dog. it was a schnauzer. it, too, didn't require a leash but it was lagging way behind. as though it were lost in its own world but knew where it was anyway. it seemed to have its own distinct personality, and its eyes were bright and sparkling. as i walked nearer, a smile burst onto its face and it walked towards me. and suddenly, there was fireworks in my heart and i smiled to myself all the way home while the lady beat her stick on the ground, causing my five-second-companion to run ahead and catch up with the rest.

they say redbull gives you wings. if redbull gives you wings, then vodka with redbull must give you wings with an f16 turbo engine! i was so alert i was doing CAT till 6am. and woke up a few hours later and did more CAT. no hangover whatsoever even. it's never had such an effect on me before. amazing stuff!

ok, time to get some sleep. 2.41am and a loooong day ahead! whooooopie!

STOMP WAS EXCELLENT!!!

i was immensely inspired from start to end. and waaaaay after too. walking through the underpass from esplanade to city hall station, i couldn't help noticing sound of the footsteps around me, trying to add in my own beats and rhythms with whatever i had. my heels, my bag, my bracelet thingy, the brochure i was holding, my lap, my mouth haha. even when i was in the toilet, don't mean to be crude, but the sound of pee trickling into the bowl sounded musical too.

really impressive, this group of people. they could use anything! makes me look at garbage and dustbins and sweeping floors and washing dishes in a really different light. just imagining myself working in a restaurant washing dishes and starting a rhythm with the plates and forks and sink and the water from the tap and my fellow counterparts following suit, creating a mini stomp in the kitchen. of course, i've never worked in a restaurant or a kitchen and i don't know whether i ever will. but it sure sounds fun to me!

i felt so good today after marketing quiz. even though i know i lost marks here and there already. research methods class before that was insane! my mom warned me before i reached school that the silver ball on her slipper which i was wearing sometimes came loose and i'd have to tighten it.

during research methods break, no actually on the way back, i heard something metallic hit the floor and i felt my slipper strap across my left foot become very loose. to my horror i looked down and found that the metallic ball thingey had indeed fallen off. so while everyone went back to class, i went to look for it and found it. but it was irreparable! so after break, it was really mad. was multi-tasking like mad i tell you. was trying to message my mom that my slipper broke, trying to fix my slipper, trying to drink my mochalatte before it got cold, trying to listen to what the prof was talking about, trying to take notes, trying to finish my revision for marketing quiz which was the class after with only a fifteen minute break in between, trying to decide whether i should eat the sandwich i bought or not, replying people on msn(yea this is my fault haha). then after class, my mom came down to pass me a new pair of slippers! (thanks mama! really helped me!! appreciate it!! ) yea i know, spoilt little girl. and rushed down to marketing class. and got over the test! PHEW. what a hectic afternoon.

after all that, i was so relieved and happy! what better way to spend the evening that followed by typing a mail to a dear friend, having dinner with some dear friends, watching STOMP with another dear friend, returning to my dear ones at home and watching SCRUBS on starworld....

it's not always easy. but the hard times will pass. and the good times will roll. and then roll on by. and then roll over again. that's life, aye? i love it!

damn! i typed one long post and and when i clicked "publish post", blogger made me sign in again and the whole post disappeared!

(throws tantrum and stomps around like a crazy little brat)

i was really inspired just now! not anymore.

guess i better get back to my marketing notes then.

(mumbles something undecipherable)

hmmph!

tinging my words with "hahas" and "hehs" to hide what i'm really trying to say. of course, i never got close to saying anything i really wanted to and perhaps, never will. maybe it won't be so bad when the moment passes. the next moment is empty and meaningless, a clean slate for me to begin anew.

chin up, young 'un...

was eating a slice of hawaian stuffed crust pizza for dinner while watching ripley's believe it or not. totally ruined my appetite for the normally yummy cheesy stuffed crust. today's show featured this maggotty cheese which was banned in most places but still eaten as a delicacy in a certain village in italy. it's supposed to leave a pungent after-taste but people eat it because they believe in its powerful aphrodisiacal quality. but like, there i was eating cheese while watching people eating maggot-ridden cheese..fwjnefkfml..gross...

i hear thunder. hope it rains tonight so i can sleep really snugly. life's funny. here i am hoping it'll rain. but i'm sure there are people out there who pray every night that it doesn't because they have no roof over their heads or blankets to keep them warm. everyone wants different things. if god gave everyone what they wanted, my gosh...i say, god, just give us what you want...haha, who am i to tell god what to do?

a strange feeling has been coming over me these days. i can feel happy and sad and excited and scared all at once. change is inevitable and the inevitable is almost here if it is not here already. on friday, the realisation of the inevitable hit me like a brick and the fierce pounding of the dragon dance percussions only made my heart beat faster and more furiously. i was desparate to get out of there and run away forever but i didn't know where to go. people everywhere. and the thoughts just started swimming around in my mind like a whirlpool and emotions welled up within with no outlet except through my eyes. felt like a scene from a movie. a tiny little vessel of sadness lost and struggling to float amidst a sea of happy faces and noises of celebration. alas, i made my escape but only from school. there were still many more people to meet. but at least, i didn't have to keep looking at the inevitable in its face...

and the rest of the day, i felt sad everytime i thought about it. perhaps, a bit angry too. then i would forget about it and let it go and be totally at peace with it. and then something would trigger it off and i'd feel blue again. and then not so blue. and yet, somehow, through all this madness, the maddest part was, that i felt a constant excitement deep within. i was a torrential mess i tell you. but somehow, the excitement kept me sane. was it hope? i feel it was hope rooted in knowing through believing. and perhaps, it was also gratefulness and awe. i must sound mad. haha..

strange things have been happening within me. i won't say that it's good or bad. i'll just say that it's new and unlike anything i've been before...

"something tells me i'm into something good..."

(seems like i've started a habit of ending with lines from songs..)

i almost went up the motorcycle ramp yesterday because aunty helen said "go up the slope, number 12!" and there were so many slopes and i turned towards the first one i saw, wondering why it was suddenly so small and narrow and why aunty helen was making weird noises and raising her voice. finally, it hit me that i was about to go up the wrong slope and swerved away just in time, leaving aunty helen appalled, her head shaking at me. when i told mel tan about it, she said "been there, done that." haha. i should be aunty helen's princess, not mel tan! the girl who turns on the wipers when she wants to signal left...haha =)

driving lessons with aunty helen are fun. and funny. and unnerving sometimes, cos of all those weird noises she makes in anticipation for my stalling her car. sometimes, she turns on the radio and we sing along to the songs while i'm driving. and she ends up changing all the lyrics, turning them into "driving songs". i told her that she should release an album entitled "aunty helen's inspirational driving songs".

i can't wait for my driving test! i'm nervous only because i have waited so long for it! please let me pass! everyone, please pray for me!!! thank you! even if you do not know me, you can still pray for me! hehe. you never know. one day, you could be stranded on some deserted road at some weird twilight hour and i might be your knight in shining metal screeching to a halt beside you. you just never know....

sitting in the SMU library now. supposed to finish up my TWC (technology and world change) review paper. about dominant designs and survival, in the disk drive industry. hope i finish it soon so i can enjoy my weekend. blogging isn't gonna help me finish so soon. haha.

sitting at my new favourite place now in the library. it's a secret. and jeremy is laughing to himself like a madman. he's clearing not doing his review paper either. zhirong has been watching "memoirs of a geisha" trailers. i doubt she's doing any work either. are you, zhi? haha.

watching the crane at the construction site infront. mesmerised by it for some reason. though it keeps doing the same things over and over again.

"i like songs about drifters - books about the same,
they both seem to make me feel a little less insane.."
-the world at large by modest mouse

sunday morning. just got home from the terry fox run at sentosa. i don't know how but i managed to drag myself out of bed when it was the perfect day to sleep in with the rain pouring outside and me, comfortably warm and snug uder my blankie. but when i started running, i guess that was all i could think of. wasn't really thinking or wondering what i was doing there. i just knew i was there and the only thing i came to do was run. didn't really want to go for it at first but i said i would so i did. sometimes, there are things which i know i don't want to do. but something (doesn't even have to be something concrete or tangible) will make me say yes anyway. sometimes for no apparent reason at all. like i was meant to be there....(shrugs)

i guess something hit me while running the marathon today. (which is hardly a marathon cos it was only 4km haha) it's not just about stamina and reaching the end. i found i was getting impatient alot. there were SOOOOOOOO many people there. and it really affected my momentum. all of a sudden, someone would stop infront of me. or i'd be running and be stopped by a line of people walking together stretched across the whole path and i'd have to run on the side of the path which was all muddy and soggy. others would try to squeeze past you when there was clearly no space. all sorts of things. but that's life, ain't it?

and ain't that a funny thing...that running with people makes it easier and harder at the same time.

From first to last
The peak is never passed
Something always fires the light that gets in your eyes
One moment's high, and glory rolls on by
Like a streak of lightning
That flashes and fades in the summer sky
-Marathon by Rush

many people stride past me everyday. some briskwalk, some stroll, some run, some jog, and for some of them, i stride past instead....

some don't bother to even look. some glance and just as soon, forget. some glance, and then turn and glance a second time. some look and perhaps, remember. but whatever it is, it is only a momentary gaze. and then i am just another in the sea of faces. a face that might soon be forgotten.

all but one.

he doesn't need to take a second glance. not even a first. he gazes at me infinitely and in that one gaze, knows all of me. and loves me.

on wednesday, i was waiting for a bus at the bustop near my house and i was thinking about the little time i had left. 4 months of holidays seem really long but suddenly, it has all dashed past me in a whiz. in 4 months, so much has changed. and so much has remained the same or gone back to what it was before, coming full circle as they say. whoever they are.

i thought about convocation coming up on saturday for the freshies. about confirmation on saturday for the sec 3s and a few others and my own brother. i thought about all the people who wanted to meet on saturday. my orientation group freshies. the mafia (my section facils). the teacuppers (my group of friends in school). msc pple (mustard seed community). and of course, there was my family. and i thought about phaemie flying off early on saturday morning. i thought about the lack of white spaces i had left in the calender of my life.

i thought about all the things i had to do in the few days i had left before school started on monday and before all the things that were going to happen on saturday happened. from very trivial stuff to very important stuff. getting my blue shirt, black skirt and black shoes for convocation. sending out the mail to the freshies in my group. booking my driving lesson. arranging facil stuff for the upcoming sec 2 camp. music practice for the sec 2 camp. reformatting my computer and configuring it to the school network. exercising. family. spending as much time with phaemie as i can before she leaves.

i just felt overwhelmed. it suddenly occured to me how desperate for time i was. desperate because all the itsy bitsy nitty gritties were robbing me off time for the more important things like spending time with the ones i love. and the lyrics of the arkarna song started playing over and over in my mind...

"so little time so much to do
i'd rather spend my days with you"

immediately, i whipped out a little black notebook from my bag which i bought from qiu xin for $2.50 last saturday to support SMU touch rugby which i have no part of. it says "i'm on vacation"in orange infront. and i wrote down 5 different headings (wed, thurs, fri, sat, sun) on an empty page and under each heading, started writing out all the things i had to do so that i could find little empty spaces where i could squeeze time out from. i know that if my parents read this, they will say "wake up earlier!" or "sleep earlier!" isn't that the case? our parents sometimes tell us the common sensical stuff. we sometimes keep hearing things we already know. but these things don't always click until they do. know what i mean?

u know, sometimes u feel at peace with everything and then sometimes, u start to feel a certain restlessness in you, but be thankful. don't ignore this restlessness. it's trying to tell you that something's not in order. and i know something's not in order recently. and i have a vague idea. i guess it's because of the fact that i've not really been "present". i feel disoriented alot. my mind is not really where it should be. always thinking about where to go, what to do. as though life is one big rush. and when that happens and my mind is everywhere and yet nowhere, is it any wonder that my thoughts are far away from god? yes, whenever i feel a certain sense of restlessness, i know it could mean alot of things but it definitely boils down to one thing...my centre is not where it should be. and i guess a disorderly, messy, chaotic lifestyle doesn't really help. i mean, if i can manage to stay centred where i should despite that, then sure. but i know right now, i can't continue that way.

so, here are my resolutions for monday onwards, when the new term begins. loud and clear for the whole world to see!

1. sleep early
2. rise early
3. create white spaces for quiet time
4. exercise
5. get involved in an activity in school

alright, this is just to start off. only if i do all this do i deserve to try all the good food around the new campus. ok i don't know what or where's the logic in that. hmmmmm.....

nevertheless, the holidays have been wonderful! i know i have been a silly, foolish girl at times. but regret evades me. all i feel is immense gratefulness and awe and all that has passed.

as i was telling a friend, who i suspect might be reading this soon, there are days when i am grumpy and quiet, days when i am stoned and spaced out, days when i am crazy happy....but all days, i am just so grateful and glad to be alive! to know that i'm a child of god! to know that no matter what kind of day it is, or what the weather is, or who did what to me, that will never change....i may slip and i may fall and i may take the wrong turns, but what keeps me going is my hope and faith in you. what keeps me going is LOVE....

ok, 4.17am is stretching it too far. sometimes, i just need to know when to stop. =P

thank yOU!

p.s. i hope this will do for now and that you are not reading this in your grave but rather, while listening to some aimee mann and munching on a cookie or something....

i feel i should say thank you. or wow, isn't it amazing? or something...

it's like...like that time when i was sitting on the side of the boat, legs dangling over the edge, watching the islands and rocky hills and choppy waves pass me by with the beach soundtrack swimming in my mind. a video would have never completely captured that moment.

or like the time when i saw those millions of stars through the little airplane window. are there enough numbers to count them? could've taken a photo, but it would probably just look like johnsons baby powder which fell on a black tar road.

and this time, even words defeat me. or rather, are defeated. how can i ever stop being in awe?

how can one not be in awe?

it comes up to as far as my throat and then, it's all stuck there. i don't know where else to put it. i don't know everything. but it doesn't mean i've stopped trying. i haven't.

i don't know what else to say. these days, words barely scratch the surface...