fear, unpublished

maybe it's time to bring back hope.
maybe it's time to stop being a prisoner to this fear.
it will always be there, this familiar friend.
telling me all the reasons why i can't.
telling me all the reasons why i should run.
away from beauty. from truth. from grace. from love-ing.
"are you sure this is a risk you're willing to take?"
"are you sure you want to go back there?"
no, i don't want to go back there.
but i sure as hell am not staying here to rot.
i was created for life.
i am life.
i am joy.
i am light.

and it can just stay there, where it is, at it's allocated place.
and i'll just stay here at mine.
we may be at the same dinner party, but we're definitely not sitting on each other's laps.

(written on 9th Sep 2012)

sadness, unpublished

there are these moments when
beauty moves me crazily and i
feel like i could die that very second, because that's
the way
an end
should be,
happily ever after.

then
there are these moments when
sadness digs the deepest hole through the
center of everything and i
feel like i could die too in that very second, because that's
the way
an end
should never,
ever
be,
but there is no more road.

(written on 2nd feb 2013)

brave

to let go of that which never was in your hand

to remember that you will smile again; a smile is as much the effect of the mover as it is of the moved, the life force contained by both, uncontained

to sometimes harden a heart and double-take not, let your tears drip to the earth, let the wet trail be left only on the path behind your back

to love, again and again

a deep ache, a silent rage, oh god the fear, an abyss, dismal and dark

you are a brave thing, you are

you breathe out, you look down, you swallow, you walk

floods

the raindrops beat heavy, crash, they crash against the concrete and the tar. of your heart. there is no fear, no fear that the sky will bleed itself dry for you. perfect love casts out all fear, love begets love, and the warmth of the sun will summon water into clouds again and cool the parched spirits of man once more. all are welcome.

boats

and so there was this and there is that and all these little lost boats, they drift along. "what an astounding rock, what a perfect bay!" they drift along, on and on. they lost their anchors a long time ago, the sea swallowed them all. so they forever admired from afar, waiting, seeking, longing, leaving. always leaving, left.

sweet surrender

summer sun has warmed these bones, back to autumn we return. and the unthinkable has happened, you are gone for good this time. i cannot look back, i will not look back. i loved you with a passion that consumed me until there was only you. how does anyone get to that point? which fool would allow that? surely not me! and yet i clung, and i clung, and i clung. i did not wish to hear of it, that love could die. how could love die? does anything not die? but then this must mean something, that i am free, it must mean something.

yes, it means that there is a greater love, and i will cling to that if i must cling onto something. i am finally free, like a slave released from the dungeons of an ancient ship, battered, bruised but free, and the warm sunlight hurts my eyes, i refuse to look. what is this? leave me amongst the ancients, i have battled and rowed this ship for five years, what is another seventy-two? i look in the mirror, my eyes shine no more, my dreams pound against my chest, what is another seventy-two? i will not stay a second longer. this greater love, it carries me on, it says lie still, it says rest, it says peace be with you, it says you are now safe, it says trust, it says all these beautiful things that are so difficult to understand, and the most perplexing, you are my beloved. and i surrender.

thesis: brain apoptosis

so here we are. what a year it has been! and it hasn't even ended yet. right now, i can't afford to think about the past or the future. satori. this is what it means, huh? i can do this!

infinity

surrounded by choruses of drunken flirtatious banter, we sat there, shielded by a deep unseen connection. she said many things, each word a source of fascination and rumination, a string of which stood out more than others.

"he wants your strength. he will try to take it. don't give him your power."

i sometimes wonder whether warnings are always meant to be unheeded so that we may recognise that they were in fact, warnings, legitimate ones, on hindsight. always on friggin' hindsight.

this was the one thing i did not dare tell you, the only bit i left out, the most important bit. that night, i teared on your chest while you wondered why i had stopped smiling. but you did not know it then. that for the first time, not only had i stopped smiling infront of you, but that i had also allowed myself to cry. my heart was full and breaking every time it was nearing the end. it was always going to be the last time, did you not see?

i now wonder whether it is too late. i'm not sure you deserve it. but this time, i say, i refuse to play the victim. this time, i say, i knowingly choose these things, and i will choose again. it just won't be you the next time, i always say, every time, every time, i drive away.

the truth is, i fear your world and i want to run as fast as i can, towards the other direction, into the arms of everything familiar and safe. but it was those very arms i had bolted from in the first place, sure never to return.

the truth is, the only running taking place is the one where we go round and round, in hopeless, never-ending circles.

a dream

when all this over, no. before all this is over. i want to live in a little wooden house by the sea for a while. there will be a room with a keyboard, a guitar and my mac. windows facing the waves. the smell of coffee. a lighthouse in the distance. some days, the seas will be as grey as the sky. other days, impossible hues of pink, orange and purple. but at all times, extensions of the heart. song after song. unstoppable. until it is perfect (it can never be). until it is perfect. i'll sing as loud as i want. strum my heart out. whisper, scream, snap my fingers, who cares. i have to do this.

-insert riff, play on repeat, tap feet-

treading ever so gently, so carefully and quietly. like a pleasant guitar arpeggio that masks the wounds contained by words. the glint in the eye, matching the smile. so easy to fool. "there's always a reason to laugh," i carelessly utter. let it all slide, it's all so calm.  a certain lightness, so unbearably light it weighs down my bones, all the way to my feet and into the ground. float like a ghost, going nowhere. anti-gravity. where is home, the heart wants to know.

and let me fall into the dream of the astronaut

our bodies say what our lips will never dare to utter. and when we're apart, the space becomes a vacuum, a vortex of our emotions, feelings and the things left unsaid, and we are the only two excluded, we choose it. we become two planets again, individual, alone, continuing along our original orbits. the light years may bring us together a few days later, what is time in this place? where is this place? who are you? a chaotic, insane collision amidst the deep blackness of the sky that surrounds us. we will never know the true colour of sky. brilliant lights, hot energy, a black hole. space.

heart skipped a beat

5 years and 4 months. almost 2000 days of our lives. how all those hours disappear in a moment, a heartbeat. suddenly, you're not here. the ghost of your fingers through mine. i wore that ring you gave me to sleep the other night; time, circumstance, and place will never be able to understand nor contain this love we shared, share. i put the ring back in the box when i awoke and promised myself to never wear it again, until (if) we are brought together again in this life. you are up there, soaring above the clouds, just as i dreamed. just as you dreamed. you never really know how much love you are capable of, you never really comprehend love, until that moment when you set the one you love free. how funny that a tear can contain so much pain and joy all at once. don't turn back, my love. keep moving, keep walking, keep soaring. open wide your arms, embrace your dreams. and maybe one day, those arms will find me in them again. maybe. but for now, don't look back. fly.