actually, i had typed out a list of songs to post on today's blog. but the more i added, the more i wanted to add. i was getting carried away. and finally concluded from some common sense i had left, that i would never end this blog by today. so, i erased it all. too bad, for us all.

feeling pretty tired and i'm kinda stinking up this place. but i feel better than i did bout a bit more than an hour ago. staying at home was driving me crazy and making me sick. took my bike for a spin and i wanted to die after going up the stupid slope. but downhill was bliss.oh yeah, got myself a new bell and a frontlight. the bell says, "i *heart* my bike". how sweet. the sticker won't last forever.

then again, i think the vitamins i took this morning made me sick. not the staying at home. on saturday, my mom came home with a big bag full of vitamins. it was unbelievable. my dad says we have to build up our immunity in this time of SARS especially. makes sense. but you should have seen the number of bottles there were in that bag. so now, i have to take at least 4 different kinds of drugs every morning. vitamin c, multi-vites, memory booster and eye-care. and you know what? ever since i started taking them, i've been feeling worse than ever. body's been aching, throats sore, headaches. it's almost as if i'm down with...FLU. that's not too good now, is it?

it happened the last time too. when i started taking vit C, cos my mom made me take them, i felt really flu-ish too. so like what? doctor, tell me...am i allergic to vitamin C??

pretty much did nothing much today.

some people love sundays.

some people look forward to sundays.

some people live for them.

me?

i get pretty anxious most sundays. it's too nerve-wrecking.

it's like walking on a path of broken glass, barefeet.

BUT.....

i try to remember to wear my shoes these sundays...

and then it doesn't seem so bad.

"Seven days without laughter makes one weak."

the hols are really doing me good. a hell lot of it. for one thing, we've gotten the bike repaired. so i'll have a biking companion now to do crazy shit with now. repaired my brother's bike so my other brother can use it. go figure.

i think the bike shop uncle is one damn cool guy. this strong old man in his humble shop, fixing the bikes of gangsters and little kids, housewives and teens, and whoever. sincere about his job. gentle and calm. simply knowing what to do. yea, interesting. the bike shop in serangoon north ave 2.

anyway the journey home was really fun. my brother and i zooming all over the place, jumping off curbs and stuff. and my other brother sNakeboarding behind on his friend's snakeboard. he's getting his own one real soon. heard it's one of the best around. let's see.

started on this book about some mental asylum called mount misery. which is the name of the book. getting pretty interesting. and i'm interested in all this anyway. pretty thick though. but nevermind. we're all kinda under quarantine now. self-enforced or otherwise. cos of sars. i was so near the place today. cos i went to national skin centre for my foot. my mom was so scared. but she isn't scared of going to church this sunday where 10 pple are infected already. it's getting scary man. didn't expect it to reach this state.wow.

and yesterday was pretty cool too. bored shitless, my brother and i decided to go play some ping-pong at some void deck under some hdb block at hougang. then, thirsty, we decided to explore some new neighbourhood while looking for a shop. interesting trip. when we came back, we headed to the playground. me on my bike, he on his sKateboard. another brother. he was teaching me stuff. showing me how to tackle stairs and all, which i used to do. tried again yesterday. forgot how fun all this used to be. how i used to try to beat my brothers and show them i was better cos i was the oldest. funny things we used to do to win each other.

been two pretty awesome days. yeap, the hols are good for the soul.

just finished a book today. sci-fi. shireen, who would've thought? haha. the book's called ender's game by orson scott card. some may have heard of it before. anyway it was recommended to me by joel.great book. really interesting. might get started on another book. just deciding which one it should be.

oh yes, i'm at the beginning of another one and a half week holiday by the way. cos of SARS. was no touble getting back into the swing of hols after a three-day break from it. heh. bad part is, it'll eat into the june hols. good part is, i don't have to attend dc tomorrow. and i didn't feel like going to school today anyway. i feel like this is a second chance for me. to do the things i couldn't get a chance to do during the hols last week. make wise use of this, shireen. don't be an ass again!

got a foot appointment later. but it's such a pain to go all the way there, to the skin centre. feel lke changing the appointment. and maybe i just will. need to do something. need to go somewhere. need to see something new. need to do something new. need to go on a cruise! need a kick! sky-diving?

just need a breath of fresh air. that's all.

i don't believe self-mutilation is limited to slicing one's wrist.

i believe it comes in other forms. when you purposely cause pain to yourself and do nothing otherwise to stop the pain, you are in a way mutilating yourself. and you wear your scars on your furrowed brows, your red and puffy eyes, the turned-down corners of your mouth. you don't laugh like you used to. and when you do, your eyes get shifty. you don't want them to know how much effort you're putting into this pretense. you wish you could wear your sadness freely but then, you might as well wear nothing at all. you have to hide those scars, the way the guy with those carvings on his wrists wears his long-sleeved shirts to cover the embarassing scars up. not so strong as you thought he was, aye? we're both just running away. and falling deeper into the pits of self-inflicted misery we dug. and we keep digging. keep picking at the scars to watch it bleed more.

everyone tells us that it's ok. and that things will get better. and that nothing's changed. but it feels like the total opposite. really, there's only so much that other people can do or say. there's only so deep you can go before you're lost for what seems like forever in the suffocating darkness. you have to come out at some time. whether you crawl out or leap out or get pulled out of it, just make sure you get out of it. unless you want to make misery your home and tears for your backyard pool.

i miss laughing so hard that it hurts. i miss coming home from school and sighing with satisfaction as i reminisce the great day i've had. i miss looking at people in the eye and having a decent conversation with them. i miss having care-free free blocks and care-free free days after school. i miss the friends who i have to struggle to keep but find myself letting go off instead. i miss the way a beautiful day makes everything else appear with a tinge of sweetness. i miss the person i used to be.

at the moment, i've become just another self-mutilating freak. and i pray i come through, fast.

i tried to shut them up. the stupid chicken voices in my head. but i can't turn away from and deny the reality that is unfolding infront of me. nor can i run away from it. and changing it makes no difference. it just leads to another kind of reality, running along the same lines. i can tell the whole world how i feel and what i'm afraid of but i can't seem to tell it to the people who play the biggest parts in it. i just couldn't wait to get home from school today. am i running too much? am i tiring myself out for nothing?

maybe.

i think and strongly recommend that everyone should master the art of falling.

i've always been very very extremely horribly scared of falling. i'm not afraid of heights, but i'm petrified of falling. i can't jump over the smallest things and when i do, i jump really high for fear of tripping. i have trouble getting onto a skateboard for fear it'll slip under me. i don't even take the first step. i have to oversome a great mental argument in my head before i can put both feet on a snakeboard. and just recently, i started blading again. i couldn't even bring myself to try to take that step to stand up by myself after putting my blades on.

yesterday i went to the beach. with a few classmates. they wanted to blade. i gave in to peer pressure, which i happened to give to myself, really. and i bladed! i didn't fall down for a really long time, mostly because the way i was blading was so stagnated. so cacat! then just as i thought i was getting good, i fell!!! right on my bum!!! and this construction worker who happened to be the only person around looked so shocked as though he couldn't believe that something so horrible could happen to anyone. but you know what? it wasn't that bad. it wasn't bad at all. in fact, picture this. some girl sitting on her bum alone in the middle of the track, laughing away to herself. that's how it looked like.

and after that, i wasn't so scared to fall anymore. i just kept going and going, faster and faster. it was a great improvement.

today, i went to the beach again. and i bladed again. with my daredevil of a brother, jeevan. he helped me to change my focus from falling to overtaking the green-shirted girl blader way ahead in front of me. and i beat her! haha! and i was blading even faster than ever before. and i just started again yesterday! woooh.

really, everyone should master the art of falling. only by falling do we realise we have nothing much to lose. and then we can go farther than ever before. now many of us are afraid to fall. therefore, by mastering the art of it, we'll fall with grace and style and of course, with the least pain possible, which would make falling seem not so bad after all.

oh no oh no. i have so many things to say! but i need to sleep early. and i have to type softly, that takes alot of effort. i have to type softly cos my mom will get started on me if she hears the click-click of the keyboard and realises that i'm still awake. this is too nerve-wrecking. so i'm checking outta here now!

everyone's talking about the war. everyone's blogging about the war. it's a generalisation i admit. anyway, i'm gonna refrain from talking about it or blogging about it today. and by the way, today refers to friday.

now, i loved today. today was sweet. today was simple. today was a day deserving of being part of the march holidays. the ideal way to spend a day during one of these march holiday days.

it started off with the routine i've grown accustomed to these hols. the routine -->wake up at 9 plus, take a shower, go downstairs, read the papers, watch tv, have lunch, watch oprah(yea, i do), watch a lil more tv, try to hit the books, more tv, dinner, tv, computer, sleep. have i bored you to death yet? if u're still alive and reading, then i guess not.

but today was slightly different. i went out with sheryl in the evening. first stop orchard library, to pick up some books that've been waiting for my eyes to set sight upon. wassup, books? then we walked around aimlessly searching for some place to chill out and fill our tummies at. ended up at scotts picnic.

and guess what? sheryl tay had gone broke after buying a drink. we had to split 10 between us. and i really wanted pasta...then i called yun and lo and behold, she was nearby! so i went over to starbucks at far east to play the role of the loanshark. got back 10bucks. so we could afford to eat the food we wanted.

and guess what? i was entitled to free pasta worth up to $9.90. there was this card in my wallet all along! silly girl, shireen. ah well, that left me with more money for an ice-blended. we hung out at scotts coffeebean, scrambling to the armchairs the moment they were abandoned. had a pretty nice conversation with sprinkles and dollops of laughter here and there. i like change. but i'm glad some things are still the same. like our friendship.

i decided to take the train home. i was amused and intrigued. amused cos, this man was so indiscreetly peering at some stuff a girl was reading. it just looked so funny. intrigued cos, this other guy was looking all around and then writing some stuff down on his notepad. looked like he was writing a poem and was looking around for inspiration.

i wonder what he wrote there. i wonder what he thought of the skateboarder with the bright green-rimmed glasses. i wonder what he wrote about the extremely curious man sitting next to him, peering at the girl's reading materials. i wonder what he wrote about the lovers on the other side. i wonder what he wrote, if he did, about me, the girl itching to read what he wrote but trying not to show it.

i love travelling home at night. i love observing the lone wanderers of the sundown hours, lost in their solitude, their thoughts and their dreams. seems we share an unwritten, unspoken mutual understanding. i love walking along the emptying roads, wishing the journey to the gatestep would drag on a bit, so i can listen to one more song on my discman. i love looking up at the glow of the moon, magical and mystical. what more the stars. they don't leave a harsh impact on my eyes, like the sun. the night has a certain magic about it. and as i wander through the waking hours of it, it is mine and i dwell in its calmness and gentleness, till at last, i fall under its spell into slumber.

i don't know. it's been a weird day.

how i woke up in a rage. how i put on my running shoes and ran and ran. how the angry thoughts rushed through my head till they became a blur. how the skin on my toes hardened from my stubbornness to stop. how the glaring, garing sun turned my brows into a frown. how as i reached the last few stages of my little journey the lyrics of U2's "walk on" and Our Lady Peace's "clumsy" mysteriously came alive in my head. how i bummed around in nothingness all day. how i talked things out with my dad. how it all changed in that one conversation. how my heart felt like it was on the same roller-coaster in alanis morissette's "mary jane", which also happened to play in my mind during the long walk home. how it's still being taken on a ride at this very moment.

how unsure i am of what tomorrow brings. how can i expect anything anymore? how much more unpredictable can it all get?

'life has a funny way of sneaking up on you when you think everything's ok and everything's going right.."

but alanis also said that..

"life has a funny way of helping you out when you think everything's gone wrong and everything blows up in your face..."

Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart.
-Confucious