thursday, 24.4.2003

got a pink slip. got to have a pretty interesting conversation with sheryl over lunch. got to browse through a damn awesome guitar book at borders and continue reading a book i've been reading on my visits there. got to go down to hmv and check out some pretty neat songs.

by tom mcrae - a day like today (pretty unique sound), stronger than dirt(i like the guitar riffs, the strong bass sound, and the drumming rhythms)
there are others but i dig these two the most.

by sigur ros - track 6 ( i don't know what it's called, cos the song titles aren't on the cover, but it sounds really good.)

by lady tron - startup chime ( found this quite a while back, but it's playing on my com now, so what the heck)

friday, 25.4.2003

two guys in my class got into a fight. i couldn't help it. it was just so funny. cos it was terribly silly. basically, that was the most exciting thing that happened in school today(mars wasn't here and it got a bit boring, we share our humorous cynicism together in school). too long to type out the whole story here. too bad you're all gonna miss out on a good laugh. heh.

i had a rather nice time after school though. and i'm happy. though i created a bit of turmoil because of it. long story too.

i went to sleep with a smile upon my face. =)

today

woke up 2 hrs ago. to no shouting and yelling, thankfully. just felt like updating my blog and listening to tom mcrae. lol. so many things i've been wanting to type since the last blog entry but just never got down to it. and somehow, i just don't feel like elaborating much abt anything. don't know why i'm bothering to update my blog. haha.

you are loved. ;)

i sneak through my own house like a thief. i plan my escape route from the tv area, arming myself with a real smart excuse and my fingers poised above the right buttons of the tv and cable control, ready to turn both of at the slightest sound of an opening door. my heart is pounding real hard and fast against my chest. i'm sitting at the edge of the sofa. ready to run to the kitchen when i hear the door open. the kitchen light, i leave on. and my plan..? if one shd come down(my parents), to the kitchen i shall run after switching off the tv and my claim : i'm thirsty. all this intensity and stress is worth it for i just had to watch forces of nature again. and i sit here now, satisfied and smiling subtly inside.

but my heart's still pounding hard and fast against my chest. i'm breathing so carefully, i think my chest is about to explode for i think i'm actually holding my breath so that i'll be as quiet as possible. i sit here in the dark, my face illuminated by the light from this moniter screen. i type as gently as i can. the click-click might wake them.

it's 12.17am. it's monday morning. it's the start of another school week. and if i should be caught, dead i am. pathetic? maybe. but right now, i am a thief in my own home.

pretty long day it's been. just got home not too long ago. for the third time today (thursday). my left palm stinks. went for some function at my mom's friend's house. her friend's daughter's getting married and they had a big gathering at their place. one of those functions leading up to those grand weddings. all i know is that if or when i get married, i'm not gonna have any of those long-winded complicated ceremonies and stuff. a real test of patience and tolerance. for all. or me at least.

anyway one of the things that went on there was henna designing. so yea, i got some done on my palm. it's rather nice, save for the fact that it stinks! my gosh, it really stinks! did i forget to mention that it stinks?

so my latest interest is pathology. but it'll probably last until the next book i read or the next movie i watch. always the case. past interests have ranged from firefighting to psychiatry. of course, rock stardom remains top of the list together with working on the set of lonely planet or something like that. in case you're wondering, i'm reading patricia cornwell at the moment. scientific mystery thriller. really interesting.

ok, i'm seeing double vision now cos everything's so blur cos i'm sleepy, i think. till whenever.....!!

a couple of funny things happened to me since my last blog.

yesterday, when i retired to my room at about 2 am or so, i saw a moth on my ceiling. and well, i hate any kind of insect hanging around in my room! i still needed to dry my hair before going to bed. next thing i knew the moth flew straight into my hair!!! boy did i panic!! i was shaking my hair like crazy, messing it up till it looked like i got caught in a whirlwind. the moth finally flew away, to another part of the room. but i really wanted it to get out. so i used my towel to shoo it away and it just kept coming nearer and nearer to me! exasperated, i gently told it to go away and leave me alone. and it just flew outta the window! haha.

and yesterday, at about 6 plus in the evening, i went cycling with my brother. i knew there was something wrong with my bike. could tell from the funny noise it was making. lo and behold, one of my pedals suddenly dropped off in the midst of cycling!!! i had to walk all the way back in the opposite direction, past my house even, to the bike shop, pushing my bike, to get it fixed. at least the guy did it for free. well, cycling was more peaceful after that.

ok that's it for funny events. on to exciting ones.

the new tv came today. we fixed it up and linked it to the new sound system which my dad just won as 3rd prize in a lucky draw. pretty cool. and the box was DAMN big. my brother and i decided to jump inside and sit in it for a while, while my mom incessantly nagged us to get out and help my other brother fix up the sound system. i'm thinking of turning the box into a kids playhouse for my room, a secret den...always wanted one.. =P

so anyway, i hope there are no insects flying around in my room and nestling themselves in my hair tonight. good night!

i'm floatin' like a butterfly....

save for a little indigestion from stuffing myself silly at hard rock with sheryl tay just now.

fine end to an unpredictable school week. i was in a pretty elated mood today. seriously, there's something strange going on in me. i've never been one to cry so openly. save the time i was a baby. and all of a sudden, out of the blue, a torrent of tears was unleashed. and i'd cry at the weirdest times. when i wasn't supposed to. i tried to suppress it all, cos being the optimist that i am(what irony), i always believe that it will all go away and blow over anyway. but that was the mistake. suppression just makes it all worse. it makes the feelings stronger. it's got to be dealt with and brought to the surface. or else, you'd drown in your own tears.

and what's worse, i was going on that way for weeks. not good. i wasn't the only one emotionally drained. the people around me were, too. and they didn't deserve it. at all. and i'm truly sorry, you all. truly sorry.

but at least most of the storm's died out, i hope. got all i need to out of the system at the moment. pissed the crap away. in fact, yes, strange's the word. how i was "the story of the girl who cried the river and drowned the whole world" at one moment and the next, laughing and smiling like a crazy idiot. how laughter keeps us sane.

things won't always or ever be perfect. things won't always or ever be how i want them to be. but if i can't change the direction of the wind, i can always adjust my sails. (on a bookmark i bought)

(and thanks eaten!!)

well, today's my bday. it's gonna end in 10 min according to the computer's clock. but if you think about it, your birthday only comes once, when you are born. for years don't really exist. and that day will just pass you by and never return. then again, you can have your birthday every minute. birthdays are celebrated yearly, according to the day of the month your birthday falls on. it's an anniversary of that day in that month in the year. likewise can you have birth anniversaries by the minute. if you know what i mean. in fact, you are celebrating your birth anniversary and death, yes, death anniversary every second. just some thoughts.

ok, so my 18th didn't start off as great as i wanted it to but it ended pretty nicely. and that's what matters. so i guess i had a good birthday. got alot to be thankful for. ALOT. so if i complain ever of silly things, please slap me. it's just my obsessions taking over. thank you, all of you, who made this day beautiful for me. ;)

wooohooo! finally getting my keyboard...in like 3 weeks! the last piece got sold yesterday. the lady told me today. and i just went to the shop yesterday. bummer. so i now i gotta wait THREE WEEKS. hold on, shireen. i'm kinda sad though. the hols are ending soon. at least they gave us two days more. yay.

if one were to dissect me today, one would find dust running through my veins and the whole of my lungs powdered with dust. yes, i spring-cleaned my room today. april, the blossoming of spring, yes. the everest of papers in my room was reduced to an anthill, having spilled over into once-empty-and-retrenched files. instead of oxygen, i inhaled a cocktail of dust. that's how much crap i've been sleeping in every night!

after episode I of Springclean Wars, it looked like it had just snowed in my room. all the little circles that escaped from the whole-puncher were carelessly strewn all over the floor. nonetheless, i had come through the battle victorious, putting chem, physics, gp, c maths and crap into their places. then it was time for the next battle.....THE WARDROBE, which proved to be a much tougher battle to survive even.

if that pile of papers cluttering my desk was called everest, this, my friend, was the bomb. i got lost in the clothes. it looked like a battlefield. clothes off their hangers, pretty, long-lost ones burried and crushed in little crevices and under clothes which were really a waste of space, bags lying all over the place....it was horrible. it was criminal. it was insane. horrified, i threw everything onto the floor and thus, the painstaking, torturous affair began. and it proved to be a painful experience as well. finding out how much fatter i'd become, through the clothes that stubbornly refused to fit. i threw out some, and kept some, to give me motivation. the enemy is my friend.

by the time episode II of Springclean Wars ended, i was totally drained, thirsty, sweaty and covered in dust. there were bags of junk lying about in my room, the debris and corpses, waiting to be discarded. i was still in my garfield long tee pyjama. it was three or four in the afternoon. the battle had begun at 10 plus in the morning, the hour of the awakening from my slumber. a battle well-fought. thus, the shower after it all was bliss. stepping out of the shower into a clean room, being able to pick what to wear with ease from my wardrobe.

such a well-fought battle/s deserved some awesome celebrating. what better way to spend it than with some old pals dropping by to hang out, watch cable tv and little mermaid and devour ravenously the oreos, pizzas, french fries, garlic and cinammon twist put before us. and what better drink to commemorate the occasion than with lime juice!

spring-cleaning is really good for the soul, believe me. the soul itself experiences a kind of spring, a new lease on life. psychologically, everything is less cluttered and directions and destinations become clearer in sight. serious! the more you prolong, the more dust you breathe in. i almost died today. but i'm more than alive now! ;)

i was the walking dead today. everything felt so surreal. i was in the middle of sleep and being awake. considering i slept at close to 5am and was scolded awake at 9 plus am. it's the friggin holidays! let me sleep!

so i've completed the book mount misery by samuel shem. the one about the mental hospital. it's a gem of a book really.and i picked up alot of really good quotes from the book. the book was more than just about a mental hospital. it was about life itself. and people. good stuff. i only started writing down quotes towards the end of the book, regretting not writing more down earlier on. here are some.

"don't confuse self-doubt with radical questioning."
great quote for me. especially in relation to religion and stuff.

"Don't sit there thinking, "I'm better than him" or "I'm worse than him," see if you can see how "i'm like him." ...Identify, don't compare."
this particularly applies for me since the root of my depression at alot of times is my obsession with comparing. which coincidentally was the obsession of the main character in the story. reading it was like..BOOM! makes alot of sense.

"Suffering is forgetfulness, forgetting to breathe, to be with the life-breath, the spirit. Healing is connection."
i agree. healing can only take place if you choose to make that connection, with yourself, with people, with God. there is a touch of divinity in everyone. if we can find that, just imagine how much beauty we'd encounter in the world, in our lives.

"ASK."
my problem sometimes. i don't ask. too proud? too scared? by asking for help and for answers, i believe we are initiating the beginning stages of a miracle about to happen. when i'm down and out and pissed and lost and confused, i always shut up and keep to myself. but when i actually asked, it did wonders. and we're not the only ones who heal and benefit in the process of asking. we are helping the people whom we ask, too. opening doors for them as well as for ourselves.
"ask and the door will open."

"and faith, itself, in this day and age, is a revolutionary act."
i like this one. it's so true. it takes great courage and strength to believe in something you can't see. but we must always keep searching for the truth. accepting blindly is foolishness. only when you have truly searched and found your own truth is faith really sincere and pure.

ok. these were only taken from the last few pages of the book. the whole book is filled with stuff like these. the story is really interesting too, and so are the characters. sometimes disturbing, sometimes funny, sometimes sad and at all times, educational. i like it.

anyway, i've started on a new book. the last of the 3 i borrowed before hols. (lucky you, shireen). it's called the unfortunates. hope it's good.

and went to look at stereo systems and keyboard(music) with my dad and brothers just now. my dad wanted to get me something for my 18th. but they're all so expensive and i feel bad. actually, i told him that i don't mind settling for a massage chair. he says i'll grow sick of it.

how the hell do you get sick of getting a good massage??

actually, i had typed out a list of songs to post on today's blog. but the more i added, the more i wanted to add. i was getting carried away. and finally concluded from some common sense i had left, that i would never end this blog by today. so, i erased it all. too bad, for us all.

feeling pretty tired and i'm kinda stinking up this place. but i feel better than i did bout a bit more than an hour ago. staying at home was driving me crazy and making me sick. took my bike for a spin and i wanted to die after going up the stupid slope. but downhill was bliss.oh yeah, got myself a new bell and a frontlight. the bell says, "i *heart* my bike". how sweet. the sticker won't last forever.

then again, i think the vitamins i took this morning made me sick. not the staying at home. on saturday, my mom came home with a big bag full of vitamins. it was unbelievable. my dad says we have to build up our immunity in this time of SARS especially. makes sense. but you should have seen the number of bottles there were in that bag. so now, i have to take at least 4 different kinds of drugs every morning. vitamin c, multi-vites, memory booster and eye-care. and you know what? ever since i started taking them, i've been feeling worse than ever. body's been aching, throats sore, headaches. it's almost as if i'm down with...FLU. that's not too good now, is it?

it happened the last time too. when i started taking vit C, cos my mom made me take them, i felt really flu-ish too. so like what? doctor, tell me...am i allergic to vitamin C??

pretty much did nothing much today.

some people love sundays.

some people look forward to sundays.

some people live for them.

me?

i get pretty anxious most sundays. it's too nerve-wrecking.

it's like walking on a path of broken glass, barefeet.

BUT.....

i try to remember to wear my shoes these sundays...

and then it doesn't seem so bad.

"Seven days without laughter makes one weak."