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anyway, worth a listen. if one digs placebo. english summer rain and sleeping with ghosts. i didn't catch a chance to check out the rest of the album cos i had to run. the guitar riffs in english summer rain are pretty good. an urgent and yet calm feel to it.

had a good day again...i guess i need to record down the good days and not just complain about the bad days simply cos sometimes, i just need to remind myself that life really doesn't always suck. it's the simple things..the simple things...just gotta remember the simple things...the little souvenirs of a terrible year..

i was beaming from ear to ear even before she said pens down. i was laughing at every small little silly sound i heard the other students making, irritated at themselves. everything didn't fail to amuse me. i finished the paper earlier than expected and nothing could turn the corners of my mouth down. THEN.....

then, after gleefully handing in the paper, i found out that i had just broken the guinness world record for the most number of careless mistakes in an exam ever. YOU GO GIRL! haha. all those marks, just thrown away like that, blown all over the place like dust in the wind. BUT...

but, i was still soooooo happy that a few, ok, alot, of marks, blasted away like that, failed to bring me down, down, down. i was elated. i was too damn happy. i just couldn't stop smiling. and i just couldn't help it. (head and shoulders advert, goosebumps) a whole bunch of us went for a really good lunch at magic wok. then a few of us went shopping. then i rushed down to PS as fast i could, was too carried away shopping. i don't even like shopping, but finally got myself some cash. as i was saying, rushed down to PS to....

to watch animatrix! and immediately after that, matrix reloaded. i thought both shows were really really awesome. but alot of pple don't seem to share the same sentiments as me. oh well. i still think it was damn bloody rawkin! anyway after that, i had to rush down again to...

to my house. haha. only to change and grab my tennis raquet and rush out again to meet a few friends for tennis. i even forgot to eat. at this moment, i still haven't eaten my dinner. but i'm not that hungry. sleepy i guess. what do u expect? i watched 2 movies straight...2 really zombifying movies!

i guess i've had a pretty satisfying day all in all. i actually wanted to type about something else. i don't know why i had this need to type out what i did today. i'll type out what i wanted to type out another day. basically cos i gotta run now. BUT...

but i was soooo happy that nothing oh nothing could bring me down, down, down.....

it's like an everlasting sauna, i tell you. these past few nights of may, my pyjamas cling to my sweaty body as i toss and turn on my bed, trying to find the coolest position to sleep in. the fan's on at full blast, but what use is a blast of hot wind on a hot tuesday night, or wednesday night, or thursday night?? yes, all the nights i haven't been able to sleep well. i turn on the aircon and switch off the fan. it's still too hot, something's wrong with the aircon. i switch both on. too cold, too thirsty! the aircon's too drying.. i sleep on the opposite end of the bed. nar, just not it. sleep has been a torturous affair, i tell you. sleep and i, we've been having a love-hate relationship. i really want to sleep, but it's such a nightmarish affair! i hope i'll be able to sleep well tonight. i really miss sleep! i really miss sleep sleep. the overwhelming number of waking hours are driving me insane, causing me to have a perpetual frown or squint or whatever, simply because i'm struggling to keep my eyes open, my eyes which are but mere slits now. oh gosh. i need to sleep so desperately. good night!

life seems so diiferent through my eyes as the days pass me by this week. i don't know. i feel less scared of being alone now, maybe. i don't really bother being too fussy about who i'm with anymore. it just hasn't mattered too much to me this week. i feel more free. i feel different. light. (could still lose a coupla pounds or more.) sailing through life like a feather in the wind. something's definitely brewing in me. something wonderful.

there are days when i walk alone. when i have to take the train home alone. when i have to spend a free period or two in school alone. or whatever. it doesn't bother me so much anymore. the result of faith? perhaps.

i found myself in borders today browsing through the poetry of shel silverstein. a childlike voice at the heart of each poem. so simple yet so profound. and at times, just plain silly. so there i was, sitting on a bench there, scribbling down profusely poem after poem which i enjoyed in my notebook. here's one i rather liked. i liked alot actually. but well, this is kind of related to today's blog topic. it's called NOBODY.

Nobody

Nobody loves me,
Nobody cares,
Nobody picks me peaches and pears.
Nobody offers me candy and Cokes,
Nobody listens and laughs at my jokes.
Nobody helps when I get into a fight,
Nobody does all my homework a night.
Nobody misses me,
Nobody cares.
Nobody thinks I'm a wonderful guy.
So if you ask me who's my best friend, in a whiz,
I'll stand up and tell you that Nobody is.
But yesterday night, I got quite a scare,
I woke up and Nobody just wasn't there,
I called out and reached out for Nobody's hand,
In the darkness where Nobody usually stands.
Then I poked through the house, in each cranny and nook,
But I found somebody each place that I looked.
I searched till I'm tired, and now with the dawn,
There's no doubt about it -
Nobody's gone!

i think it's so true. it makes so much sense. if you ask me, i think loneliness is just a state of mind.

hello.

hey yun, thanks for that really lively shoutout! haha. trust you to do things like that. ;)

the weekend was really awesome. but i'm too lazy to type it all out. i seem to be getting really lazy about blogging. so what the hell? i just wanted to say that it was a really awesome weekend and i'm glad to be alive!!

dear god, thank you! =)

ok bye bye.

pretty neat end to a pretty neat week with pretty neat friends and pretty neat treats.

breaking the rules here and there once in a while brings with it a sense of liberation. only problem is, i've got shifty eyes. shifty, shifty eyes that read suspicion all over. and now these shifty, oh-so-shifty eyes are tired and sleepy and are shifting into the realm of the sandman. delusional and weird i am becoming. good night.

thursday, 24.4.2003

got a pink slip. got to have a pretty interesting conversation with sheryl over lunch. got to browse through a damn awesome guitar book at borders and continue reading a book i've been reading on my visits there. got to go down to hmv and check out some pretty neat songs.

by tom mcrae - a day like today (pretty unique sound), stronger than dirt(i like the guitar riffs, the strong bass sound, and the drumming rhythms)
there are others but i dig these two the most.

by sigur ros - track 6 ( i don't know what it's called, cos the song titles aren't on the cover, but it sounds really good.)

by lady tron - startup chime ( found this quite a while back, but it's playing on my com now, so what the heck)

friday, 25.4.2003

two guys in my class got into a fight. i couldn't help it. it was just so funny. cos it was terribly silly. basically, that was the most exciting thing that happened in school today(mars wasn't here and it got a bit boring, we share our humorous cynicism together in school). too long to type out the whole story here. too bad you're all gonna miss out on a good laugh. heh.

i had a rather nice time after school though. and i'm happy. though i created a bit of turmoil because of it. long story too.

i went to sleep with a smile upon my face. =)

today

woke up 2 hrs ago. to no shouting and yelling, thankfully. just felt like updating my blog and listening to tom mcrae. lol. so many things i've been wanting to type since the last blog entry but just never got down to it. and somehow, i just don't feel like elaborating much abt anything. don't know why i'm bothering to update my blog. haha.

you are loved. ;)

i sneak through my own house like a thief. i plan my escape route from the tv area, arming myself with a real smart excuse and my fingers poised above the right buttons of the tv and cable control, ready to turn both of at the slightest sound of an opening door. my heart is pounding real hard and fast against my chest. i'm sitting at the edge of the sofa. ready to run to the kitchen when i hear the door open. the kitchen light, i leave on. and my plan..? if one shd come down(my parents), to the kitchen i shall run after switching off the tv and my claim : i'm thirsty. all this intensity and stress is worth it for i just had to watch forces of nature again. and i sit here now, satisfied and smiling subtly inside.

but my heart's still pounding hard and fast against my chest. i'm breathing so carefully, i think my chest is about to explode for i think i'm actually holding my breath so that i'll be as quiet as possible. i sit here in the dark, my face illuminated by the light from this moniter screen. i type as gently as i can. the click-click might wake them.

it's 12.17am. it's monday morning. it's the start of another school week. and if i should be caught, dead i am. pathetic? maybe. but right now, i am a thief in my own home.

pretty long day it's been. just got home not too long ago. for the third time today (thursday). my left palm stinks. went for some function at my mom's friend's house. her friend's daughter's getting married and they had a big gathering at their place. one of those functions leading up to those grand weddings. all i know is that if or when i get married, i'm not gonna have any of those long-winded complicated ceremonies and stuff. a real test of patience and tolerance. for all. or me at least.

anyway one of the things that went on there was henna designing. so yea, i got some done on my palm. it's rather nice, save for the fact that it stinks! my gosh, it really stinks! did i forget to mention that it stinks?

so my latest interest is pathology. but it'll probably last until the next book i read or the next movie i watch. always the case. past interests have ranged from firefighting to psychiatry. of course, rock stardom remains top of the list together with working on the set of lonely planet or something like that. in case you're wondering, i'm reading patricia cornwell at the moment. scientific mystery thriller. really interesting.

ok, i'm seeing double vision now cos everything's so blur cos i'm sleepy, i think. till whenever.....!!

a couple of funny things happened to me since my last blog.

yesterday, when i retired to my room at about 2 am or so, i saw a moth on my ceiling. and well, i hate any kind of insect hanging around in my room! i still needed to dry my hair before going to bed. next thing i knew the moth flew straight into my hair!!! boy did i panic!! i was shaking my hair like crazy, messing it up till it looked like i got caught in a whirlwind. the moth finally flew away, to another part of the room. but i really wanted it to get out. so i used my towel to shoo it away and it just kept coming nearer and nearer to me! exasperated, i gently told it to go away and leave me alone. and it just flew outta the window! haha.

and yesterday, at about 6 plus in the evening, i went cycling with my brother. i knew there was something wrong with my bike. could tell from the funny noise it was making. lo and behold, one of my pedals suddenly dropped off in the midst of cycling!!! i had to walk all the way back in the opposite direction, past my house even, to the bike shop, pushing my bike, to get it fixed. at least the guy did it for free. well, cycling was more peaceful after that.

ok that's it for funny events. on to exciting ones.

the new tv came today. we fixed it up and linked it to the new sound system which my dad just won as 3rd prize in a lucky draw. pretty cool. and the box was DAMN big. my brother and i decided to jump inside and sit in it for a while, while my mom incessantly nagged us to get out and help my other brother fix up the sound system. i'm thinking of turning the box into a kids playhouse for my room, a secret den...always wanted one.. =P

so anyway, i hope there are no insects flying around in my room and nestling themselves in my hair tonight. good night!

i'm floatin' like a butterfly....

save for a little indigestion from stuffing myself silly at hard rock with sheryl tay just now.

fine end to an unpredictable school week. i was in a pretty elated mood today. seriously, there's something strange going on in me. i've never been one to cry so openly. save the time i was a baby. and all of a sudden, out of the blue, a torrent of tears was unleashed. and i'd cry at the weirdest times. when i wasn't supposed to. i tried to suppress it all, cos being the optimist that i am(what irony), i always believe that it will all go away and blow over anyway. but that was the mistake. suppression just makes it all worse. it makes the feelings stronger. it's got to be dealt with and brought to the surface. or else, you'd drown in your own tears.

and what's worse, i was going on that way for weeks. not good. i wasn't the only one emotionally drained. the people around me were, too. and they didn't deserve it. at all. and i'm truly sorry, you all. truly sorry.

but at least most of the storm's died out, i hope. got all i need to out of the system at the moment. pissed the crap away. in fact, yes, strange's the word. how i was "the story of the girl who cried the river and drowned the whole world" at one moment and the next, laughing and smiling like a crazy idiot. how laughter keeps us sane.

things won't always or ever be perfect. things won't always or ever be how i want them to be. but if i can't change the direction of the wind, i can always adjust my sails. (on a bookmark i bought)

(and thanks eaten!!)

well, today's my bday. it's gonna end in 10 min according to the computer's clock. but if you think about it, your birthday only comes once, when you are born. for years don't really exist. and that day will just pass you by and never return. then again, you can have your birthday every minute. birthdays are celebrated yearly, according to the day of the month your birthday falls on. it's an anniversary of that day in that month in the year. likewise can you have birth anniversaries by the minute. if you know what i mean. in fact, you are celebrating your birth anniversary and death, yes, death anniversary every second. just some thoughts.

ok, so my 18th didn't start off as great as i wanted it to but it ended pretty nicely. and that's what matters. so i guess i had a good birthday. got alot to be thankful for. ALOT. so if i complain ever of silly things, please slap me. it's just my obsessions taking over. thank you, all of you, who made this day beautiful for me. ;)