thank you for giving me hope. thank you for not letting it all end in your death. thank you for still loving me despite the the nails i drive into your heart. thank you for never taking your eyes off me even when i turn away from you. thank you for subjecting yourself to the lowest of the lowest.

i still cannot comprehend or grasp it, that you, a king, would do all this for me. it's too awesome to be true. you're such a mystery. everything about this is. human reason, they say, can't logic everything out. is it an excuse? but you were smart. you realised that even with signs and wonders, people would still be blind. i don't know how you will win. but i know you will.

i struggle so much. i give up when it gets tough. i hate because i'm scared of what love might get me into. but i realise that it's at those times when i struggle the most that i need to try to love and forgive the most. you did. and it amazes me how anyone could have done what you did.

i'm doubtful and in awe all at once. it's just too incredible. the greatest love story ever told. i've heard it all before, one time too many...and i never realised it until now.

sidenote: i was just telling my friend that i think God uses songs to talk to me. a few moments ago, it was alanis morissette. now, he used the beatles. i was changing the settings of my comments box and was just thinking of the words "like endless rain into a papercup." so i looked for the beatle's across the universe and decided that for zero comments i'd used the line "nothing's gonna change my world." then it suddenly hit me that it was totally related to the post i just posted about change! amazing! so God's also into the beatles i see...God and i should have tea together some time. only thing is, i don't drink coffee or tea. so boring, right?

obladi oblada in this life, change is a constant bla bla bla.

i like change. or maybe it's because i keep contracting the "grass-is-always-greener-on-the-other-side" syndrome. whatever it is, right now, i'm not coping with change too well.

not too long ago, i was feeling very down and i stated all my symptoms and upsets to a friend. i said that maybe i needed change. and he said, "i suspect that it's too much change for your liking." i thought, nar....

but now i think, yar...

everything's changing. it's like, the older u get, the more exponentially the amount of change in your life increases. and sometimes, it's just too much at one go. i'm just coping rather badly. i feel misunderstood. but i also feel that i may be misunderstanding some things that are important. it's really frustrating. and what makes me feel even more frustrated is my sense of helplessness, the fact that it's all happening at once and i can't stop or change any of it. how do you deal...

i guess i can try to change my attitude towards these changes instead. it's hard though. you might know what i mean. i guess only only one thing is constant. God. it's only our perception of him and his existence that changes just like everything else. sometimes, i just don't know whether to trust my thoughts or feelings, since they change so often too. so what or who can i trust? surely i must believe in something? oh gosh, now i'm totally confusing myself! help! good night!

hahahahahaha bah.

WOW! (oh damn, the link's gone. it's the theory about how everything in the universe will one day split into its simplest constituents, to put it simply)

Can you imagine what that must be like? everything exploding and falling apart, literally, around you...imagine, in slow motion, all you know just disintegrating into nothing, even the earth you walk upon...and to know you're not going to be spared. and would you try saving yourself? knowing that even if you did, there'd be nothing left, or worse, noone?

but think of it this way, we are not that much different from the ever-so-brilliant stars; we're made of the same stuff. and if the above were to happen, we'd die the same way as they do. supernovas. moby knew what he was saying when he said we're all made of stars.

at the moment i'm typing all this out, i'm listening to "save me" by kevin max. it's a beautiful song and somehow really compliments this entry, music and lyrics and all... haha. i strongly recommend it as a listen! go get it now!!!!

Sunrise, sunrise
Looks like morning in your eyes
But the clock's held 9:15 for hours

Sunrise, sunrise
Couldn't tempt us if it tried
'Cause the afternoon's already come and gone

And I say hooooo, oooooo, oooooo, oooooo
hooooo, oooooo, oooooo, oooooo
hooooo, oooooo, oooooo, oooooo
Do you?

i was sitting outside the interview room on thursday. i got a call from phaemie out of the blue in the morning to go down for the interview. but i was feeling lazy and didn't bother calling. then, i remembered my dreams of the maldives (or something like that) and how i would need money for it. so i left in the midst of the pouring afternoon rain, in a cab which swallowed up $11.70 worth of solid survival cash for the week. so, as i was saying, there i was sitting outside the interview room. and i couldn't help but sing norah jones "sunrise" over and over again. (i only know a few lines by heart. )
and wherever i went that whole day i just kept singing it. it's got this really cheerful effect over me in that, just singing it cheers me up! and it takes the seriousness out of life's "serious situations." for me at least!!

ah yes, yesterday was results day. i really didn't have much feelings about it prior to collecting that result slip. i came from work together with phaemie, who's now my colleague. she was really scared. so i told her to sing a song on the way to school and not think about it. so she started singing a song. haha. and i decided to do the same for myself while waiting for mars at the station. when she came, she told me that she had gotten a call from a teacher to say that she was going to be interviewed by berita harian(malay newspaper). i was like...this sounds familiar. in sec 4, nurul was sitting next to me, one of my best friends in class too. and she got interviewed as well(top malay student). i wonder what it is with me that my best friends always clinch some top student award or interview or something...don't you just wish to be my best friend? i'm like a muse or something man...haha. please disregard this crap.

i guess i'm happy with my results. don't shoot me but i think that it's not such a big deal. i mean, results aren't such a big deal. to me. probably why i'm not like estatic with joy right now or even was yesterday. well, yea, i was in temporary bliss yesterday but only temporarily. and hey, to those of you who aren't happy with your results, don't pull your hair out or kill yourself over it ok? results don't define who you really are. not to a large extent. and this education is only a minute fraction of the true education of our lives. and what matters is that we do not give up hope in ourselves because the big guy up there isn't going to anytime soon. cos he can see the big picture and we can't. and if you ask me, i think it's all good. and if it's not good now, don't worry! it's going to get better! trust me even if i don't know you and you don't know me and you happen to be reading this....i believe that there's always a way, even if you can't see it...life will bring you there, all we got to do is trust and move forward and never look back and dwell in the past. the future is an open white slate full of possibilities...don't deny yourself opportunities by dragging past concepts, impressions or situations into it! ok, i'm getting preachy but i hope you know what i mean. just never lose faith! it's ok to be upset for a while, disappointed even. but, just walk on after that. U2 has great songs for moments like these. haha and the soundtrack in my mind always plays them automatically when i'm down. go listen to them if you feel hopeless! "walk on" and "stuck in a moment." or just sing "sunrise"! haha...actually there are alot of things to do to remind ourselves of the goodness in a world like ours. it's whether we want to be reminded or not.

so anyway, for those in the dark, i lost my handphone! i left it in a cab on the way to my granduncle's wake/funeral. and i left it off! and i didn't know i left it in the cab until a few minutes later while emptying the contents of my bag to get it out for my lil cousins to play games on it. (boy were they upset with me!) anyway, so naturally, i didn't take the down the taxi number or the driver's name! all i know is that he had a booking for shenton way at 12.30pm on wednesday, 3rd march! i've called all the numbers i can call, but i haven't heard the good news yet! so i'm praying that the person who has my handphone is reading this right now and is going to send me an icq message to say that he/she is going to return me my phone! please!!! haha, it's really quite annoying because i have alot of contacts in there, especially with old friends...may God touch the heart of whoever has my phone and prickle his/her conscience till he/she returns it back to me! =p

And now the night
Will throw its cover down
mmmmm, on me again
Ooooh, and if I'm right
It's the only way to bring me back

hooooo, oooooo, oooooo, oooooo
hooooo, oooooo, oooooo, oooooo
hooooo, oooooo, oooooo, oooooo
Do you?

i went to the adidas warehouse sale on sunday. i couldn't find much stuff worth buying cos i came too late so i bought a hat and a shirt. The hat is too big for me. half my face is covered when i wear it. so i've been walking ard at home with this blue hat on my head trying to make the money spent on it worth something. the shirt i bought looks like something i'd wear for bowling. only thing i realised after i got home, it's a men's shirt. but who cares....it looks pretty girlish for a guy to wear anyway.

so well now, i'm still wearing my hat as i type. and it feels good walking ard the house wearing a hat such as this. makes a usual day bumming at home a bit more different and interesting. oh yes, you might be wondering why i'm bumming at home...i resigned from my job last friday. so that means i'm looking for another job. so i'm back to my favourite past time which is only my favourite when i'm at work or school. things are always my favourite when i don't get to do them or have them all the time.

i borrowed some vcds to watch over the weekend last. watched one just now, white oleander. it's ok. the book's far better though and i loved it...but i like the song at the end of the movie. >>> Safe and Sound by Sheryl Crow

haha silly me. i seem to miss my workplace now. but it all seems so far away already. my heart's always where i'm not. no wonder i'm always dreaming.

"A black hole is a massive but unseen celestial object that has such an intense gravitational pull that nothing - not even light - can escape from it."

one of the reasons why they fascinate me so much. and each time i read about black holes and the likes, i can't help but feel that the solar system is merely us personified to a more dramatic and exagerated extent. it seems that there are certain laws of the universe in which everything tends towards, be it the stars, mealworms or human beans. (i used to call human beings that when i was younger cos that's how it sounded like to me then and i didn't know how it was spelt anyway. the revelation of its true spelling and prenunciation was astounding to me and i used to feel much smarter than everyone else when i said it right. i felt as though i were an enlightened being who knew the actual truth, that it was human BEING and not human BEAN. and the other stupid kids did not. oh well.)

anyway, i'm at work now. skiving. as the guy opposite just said i was doing. and i can't really argue about that. but i've finished all my work. i'm bored. so i'm resorting to reading the papers online. something tells me i'll be a very up-to-date person if i stay here long enough. i like reading the news and knowing what goes on around the world, ahuh. but, sometimes, it's such a hassle flipping through those bulky papers with all the pages spilling out half the time, for me at least. so i'd rather watch cartoons on nickelodean instead, or stone. (disclaimer: i am not an airhead bimbo). then, i end up not reading the papers. and this can go on for days. one who meets me during those periods might think i just came back from a holiday from the stone ages, assuming there were no newspapers and internet then. ok, i may be exagerating but i've all the time in the world to spout all the crap i want to. so, give yourself a pat on the back for me from me if you're still reading by the end of this entry.

it's funny. for the average person, the longer you live, the more friends you will be sure to make because the more people you will be sure to meet. so why is it that the older we get, the less friends we have? huh? ok, maybe it's because as we get older, we have less time for friends and friends have less time for us. what better things could we possibly have to do???? ah yes, work. like that's a much better thing to do. (i'm not talking about the "as you grow older you'll know who is your friend and actually realise that you only had 2 friends all along" thing) i feel that ever since my friends and i started working, life isn't so sweet. ok, anyone can tell you that. but, what i mean is, it's not the work that i dislike. it's the fact that my life has been changed to one that i don't feel very satisfied with, like i've lost something. like something's missing. or that i'm missing something. i feel so far away from everyone. i know that being me, it's not something to rejoice about. but somehow, i don't feel lonely or depressed. which is quite surprising. however, in a way, i feel much closer to myself. i feel that maybe that's a good thing. but another part of me says, "so what? you're still alone and that's the fact." i wish i could shut that part of my mind up because i'm finally beginning to feel much at ease with myself when i'm with myself.

i'm aiming to get into a good university. apparently to create more options for my future. but, nowadays i wonder whether i'll actually be happy anywhere. will i actually be happy finally doing the things i love? or will i just get sick of it and try to run away like i seem to do for so many other things in my life? and where do i run away to anyway? i guess i already know the answer is that wherever i am and whatever i do is not temporary, which prepares me for the fact that i might forever be running. but i don't think i like harbouring the thought of having to run my whole life, and never really finding THE place.

i know that i'll ultimately reach that place someday ( i hope and pray) whether i run or walk or even crawl. but in the meantime....
you know what i mean?

it's funny. after such a long break from friends, i'm afraid to face them again. i know i should be excited and happy to. but i'm afraid. probably because i dread knowing how far apart we actually are and where i stand in their lives. i just don't want to see my fears spelled out in reality. that's why i want to know whether there really is goodness in hope. if my idea of hope is the right one. lets not even talk about expectations.

ok, i've decided to stop here. so now, you can give yourself that pat. well done!

i got the day off today. cos i'll be sitting for my basic theory driving test at night. so well, i did what i miss doing. sat down infront of the tv, with the newspapers infront of me and channel-switched till i found the right channel.

first, i was captivated by egypt and her middle-eastern counterparts on globe trekker on the travel discovery channel. then, i switched to cinemax and my eyes were transfixed. the acting wasn't superb, at times, even bad. if you ask me. not that i can do a better job. even the storyline was getting a bit cliched/far-fetched, however you see it. but i still couldn't change the channel. i was watching the movie "PUmpkin" and for some reason, i found myself so immersed in it. believe it or not, i even cried. it was different in a way. in a rather tame and mild way, it spoke about conformity, about how systems are built to make some people feel better than others, about those of us who pretend to rebel or grumble all day and yet still choose to conform, and about those who conform, psychoing themselves in to thinking it's the way, to avoid complications. and i cried because of the hopelessness i felt for the protagonist when she tried to change the world around her but was herself run over. of course, as i said, it wasn't a great movie, but it held an important message, at least, for me. i know i'm not actually saying what it was. but lets just say, sometimes watching a movie is more of an experience than anything. and rather than talk about it too much, sometimes i just wanna say a few brief words about it and let the rest of it dwell in me.

anyway, there were a few nice songs in the movie but i liked the last song the best! it's a very simple song.

"The Bees in the Trees" performed by Jonny Corralitos.

ok, better recap stuff for the test. later!

i know i'm being cruel. but i fear that if i grow soft and let my guard down, things will never change. i just don't know if it's worth it.

so what do you think of this?

"i came up with a new game show idea recently. it's called, "The Old Show". you get 3 old guys with loaded guns on stage. they look back at their lives, see who they were, what they accomplished, how close they came to realising their dreams. the winner is the one who doesn't blow his brains out. he gets a refrigerator." - Chuck Barris, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind

is hope really a good thing?

the more i go through life, the less i believe in the goodness of hope. or have i distorted my idea of what hope really is?

i took my dog for a walk just now. he charged towards the gate of a house, to confront a german shepherd twice his size barking its head on the other side of it. in the process, i twisted my ankle. but i was just too nonchalant and numb to bother giving him a piece of my mind.

life throws shit at me nowadays. and i just take it.

i'm just too bored and fed up to do anything about it. after a while, it's all the same and i get used to it.

i know i'll change my mind about what i'm saying now later or tomorrow. cos life isn't as bad as it appears in these words.
but life, in my state of mind, seems to be so.

if only we could all embrace life just as it is, and not how it looks through our filtered lenses. but emotions get in the way...all the time. and we can't wish them away. we need them to experience life.

i never thought i'd say this but...ah, whatever...

i don't have much time left to sleep. and i'm feeling really tired. so this is gonna be short. i don't know about sweet.

first day of work today. it's so strange sitting infront of a desk the whole day. surrounded by people doing the same. it appears like a very ordinary normal human thing to do. but to me, it's just plain strange.

and i miss bumming! i never hated it. it's funny how i was so envious of them who had jobs. but i can't complain now because i made this choice because i felt i had to. but it just seems so....stupid. i have no better word. or range of vocabulary. which is also true.

the only unfun thing about bumming now is that there are very few bummers left. and i have just reduced the bumforce. i'm sorry!

another strange day at work doing strange human things tomorrow. i might be coming down with the peter pan syndrome. hmmmm....