Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Feathers on my breath

i just watched the movie, beautiful boxer, yesterday. just so happend that a week or two before, i had watched a documentary about transvestites on the national geographic channel. it sent alot of sparks racing through my mind which got me thinking. it got me thinking again about how complicated people are. i can't even begin to understand what's happening in the minds of the above-mentioned group of people. so when others slam them or diss them, i get angry. i really can't take a stand in issues such as these. i can't say whether it is right or wrong and i somehow don't feel that it is in my place to. then as i was praying, i started thinking. whatever i do or think, let it be out of love. as long as i have that beautiful, divine and mysterious connection with god, i know that i will be guided to act out of his amazing love. actions not based on books or words of famous people or teachers, not on mere human judgement, but actions based entirely on the love of god.

i just read the book, the screwtape letters, by c.s. lewis. it's a gem of a book. i borrowed it from my new-found library but i think i shall go buy it cos i'll definitely be refering to it every now and then from now on. you know, i'm one of those who always settles for mediocrity despite my big dreams and idealistic aims and expectations. i get contented too easily and think it's ok to be mediocre as long as i'm somewhere. but you know what? it's not ok. we were meant to become something so much bigger!

i would have had much more to say but talking to too many people has left me with nothing more to blog here today. repetition tends to make the real meaning fade, i find. hmmm...

i like alanis morissette. do you think she'd stand a chance in american idol? just wondering....

anyway, i feel like talking about depression today. no, i'm not depressed right now. just some thoughts.

case 1: i think many people, me included, indulge in depression. yes, indulge. it's an excuse we wear. we sink into it and refuse to get out of it. it's like our comfortable water bed and we just want to lie in it till...

we sink into the habit of not wanting to do anything at all. just staring into a wall or the ceiling. we drown in our thoughts and don't want to stop. we ignore or snap at everyone. we are so self-absorbed in the moment we don't care. it seems like an excuse for us not to care. "i'm depressed, go away." "i'm depressed. i don't want to go to school anymore." "i'm depressed, i need to swear and shout." "i'm depressed, bla bla bla."

case 2: many others, they wear depression as though it's the new black. the "in" thing. perhaps these think that being labeled as depressed might give them a profound aura, that others might see that they're too deep or too good for this stupid, sucky world. saying "life sucks" is cool. it shows non-conformity and rebellion. it's just as good as going goth, smearing on eyeliner and black lipstick.

case 3: well, then there are others who seriously are depressed maybe due to chemical imbalance or crazily intense circumstances that seem just to hard to deal with. they don't know that they're going through "depression," in the clinical sense. they carve themselves silly and still don't think they have a problem, unlike case 1 and 2 who show it freely to the world.

case 1 is a coping stance of those who'd rather run away than face up to reality. we're not really that hopelessly depressed. we're just scared, tired or maybe, just plain lazy.

case 2 is a coping stance for people who seek attention and recognition. these want to stand out and be admired. they don't want to be admired the way the popular people do. they feel threatened or angered by these people. they rebel. their actions are a protest against society, the people who make them feel lousy or put them down. they cope by saying "everyone sucks, this world sucks." till they actually believe it.

case 3 is not really a coping stance. it's a condition.

the above are just examples to prove just how complicated humans really are. can we ever fully understand ourselves? psychological theories are forever changing. we can analyse everything else in this world. but who can analyse us perfectly? can we really judge anyone if we don't even understand or know all the answers??

anyway, i can go on and on about this. but what the hell, it's 2.07am as i type this sentence.

crazy is just you and me amplified.

listening to ben folds five "magic", the piano, violin and sadly beautiful lyrics tugging at my heart strings. nar, i'm not blue. in fact, i'm feeling great. finally really happy and just not anxious, the way i feel most of the time i think. well, maybe i'm a little disturbed abt something but it's not in my face right now and i know it can be dealt with.

isn't it funny? ignorance saves, wisdom condemns. ever wondered why there are so many sad, intelligent people around?

check these musical cows out. click on all 4 of them. they actually sound pretty good if u ask me. a friend sent this to me last night.

now, try to get yourself out of this room. another friend sent this to me.

who comes up with all these websites???

last night, i went to the night safari with my brother and a friend. i love going there!

on our way there, my friend told us that once he had visited the night safari with a group of swedes. as they were walking in the mangrove(bat) walk, one of the swedes, this lady, had decided to pause right beneath a bat. next thing she knew, the bat had peed all over her!

so last night, as we were walking through that path (it's this enclosed place with lotsa bats hanging and flying ard), we made sure that we did not get stuck beneath any hanging bats. i think i made quite a good joke which i only caught myself much later after telling it. haha. seee, there was alot of noise inside and my brother was asking who was making the noise. so i replied that it was the bats. they were gossiping abt the latest hangout. hangout. get it? haha. ok, never mind.

moving on...so there we were looking at those cute mysterious little bats when one suddenly opens its wings and decides to fly over our heads. i freaked! i mean, i didn't want bat pee all over me. and when the bat opened its wings, it wasn't so cute and little anymore. it's wings are really wide that it's rather intimidating. anyway, pretty soon, one or two more started flying above our heads. then, one decided to hang upside-down right above the centre of the path-way. i swear what he did next was on purpose. there he was, the centre of attraction, (and i'm sure i caught a grin on its face!) and, he unleashes a waterfall of pee! my friend who told us the story abt the swedish lady was by then gagging on his own laughter. my brother and i were gaping in disbelief at the manners of this cheeky and sly bat with a bad attitude. before long, the bat started to spread its wings again and was flying towards the branch just above me and my bro. i tell you, we didn't give a damn abt anything else after that. we just fled the trail. haha. and during the rest of the night, my brother kept feeling these mysetrious drops of water plopping on his head. talk abt being paranoid. haha..

and why do bats hang upside-down anyway?

the next highlight of our visit to the night safari were the sea otters!! they're a noisy and animated bunch i tell you. one of them was doing this really cool dance where his head does a wave from side to side while he's standing up. i think that's where that dance move originated from. cute fella man. ok, the rest of the sea otters were like possessed or something. making all these weird noises. the ones you hear when you squeeze those stuffed toys causing them to make this high-pitched squeak. that's what i'm talking abt. and they kept crawling all over each other and swimming from one end of their little private pool to the next. they looked like a bunch of chatty, shrilly school girls chattering, gossiping, bitching and bickering among themselves. my description is limited by my sparse vocabulary. you have to see them to experience them!

and have you seen leopard cats? not, leopards. leopard cats. they're really beautiful..not that i love cats but they look like very elegant house cats. i don't know what they're doing in the night safari.

the funny thing is that i was able to make a connection for each and every animal i saw to Reno Rally Royal(my dog, for the benefit of the lesser-read). it's like Reno is all animals in one. when i saw the leopards lazing abt, i thought abt Reno. when the guide said that lions laze abt 20 hours of the day and look for food in the remining 4 hrs, i thought abt Reno who sleeps the whole day. when we passed by these goats or deer (not sure which) with legs which looked like they were wearing 2 pairs of white socks, i thought abt reno and his stumpy white paws. everything just reminded me abt Reno and made me love him more! haha.

but oh my gosh, have you tried the bongo bongo burgers at the night safari?? you should. i'm salivating thinking abt them now. ok, i'm not. but, not worth a miss, that's for sure...

hmmm, maybe i'll go the the zoo next week...

i suddenly realised that there's really no need to worry! one of those moments when the obvious just becomes....really obvious..haha

see, there i was taking a nice hot shower just now. except that it was full of interruptions cos i kept getting calls on my handphone. all of them were from private numbers. one was from my aunty asking me what i wanted for lunch. another was from my friend, cheryl, who wanted to know when my uncle would be going over to her house to collect the AMI tape which she so kindly recorded for him (long story). and every single time it rang, i kept hoping that it would be a call from SMU (Singapore Management University). i mean, everyone around me has been getting THE CALL, except me! but alas, until this moment as i type, no call has arrived yet.

however, while showering, my mind was really troubled. so, i decided to pray. in the shower. i just closed my eyes, made the sign of the cross and prayed, with hot water pelting off my back. and suddenly, it became clear to me. the obvious. that there was nothing to worry about. because i know i've done what i can. and now i just have to trust. cos i know that life will lead me to where i am to go. knowing that i can't see the big picture because i'm in it, i can safely say that i do not know what really is the best choice for me. but someone close to me knows and has my best interests at heart and is watching out for me, providing me with little stepping stones to guide me. there might be detours, there might be dead-ends. but they're all still part of the big picture. and i know that at the end of the day, if i just have a little faith, i'll be fine. worry is just a total waste of time and energy. which is why these days, i usually pray for the patience and grace and a calm heart to get through things instead.

many questions still race through my puny mind. so are our fates sealed? why is there even a big picture in the first place? why did anything ever have to exist? why couldn't there just be nothing? (but there has to be something for nothing to exist, no?)

these will probably be questions i'll always wonder about. but i believe that they'll all be answered one day. every single question that we've ever asked. but in His own time...cos He knows us best, better than we know ourselves.

as a sidedish, i really love my dog..RENO RALLY ROYAL. haha. he's this round, roly-poly thingy on stumps for legs. but he has the most disarming smile ever. and he winked (yes, winked) at me 2 days ago. (he does it every once in a while.) i just melted. let me tell you more about Reno Rally Royal. he's very lazy and sleeps the whole day. he's only active when food's near at hand or when you mention the word "walkie." he likes to play hard-to-get sometimes. for example, he won't look at you but you know he wants you to stroke him and is actually looking at you from out of the corner of his eye. and he doesn't like going up stairs. he has to mentally prepare himself and/or gain momentum by running around before tackling the stairs. when we go for walks, he loves sabo-ing me by picking fights with much bigger dogs! rottweilers included. and when i take him for walks, i usually end up being taken for walks. he's like this ball of fur gone out of control, wild and delirious with joy, when we go on our walks/runs. he's also very useful; i call him my personal vacuum cleaner. whenever i drop any crumbs or food on the floor, all i have to do is shout "Reno!!", and it's all cleared up after that. of course, you'll have to pardon the residual saliva. haha. there's so much to say about Reno. i was just thinking about him, that's all.

ok.

a miracle occured yesterday. wait, flashback to monday. i stepped out of my instructor's car after driving, my wallet flipped open after parting with my 25 buckeroos. next thing i know, my brand new debit card i had just received through the mail like 2 days earlier was lying on the cement in front of me! i almost walked off without picking it up. but luckily, i did! on the way to meet sheryl after that, i had a feeling that something else was missing from my wallet. i opened it and indeed, something was missing. a club membership card of mine. i had just walked away from the scene without even checking my wallet to see whether everything was in place!

anyway, yesterday i had a driving lesson again and thought that after the lesson, i'd just skim the same area of pavement again. i was secretly hanging on to the hope of a miracle, that i'd find the card on the ground staring right back at me. but who would've thought that the next would happen? there i was searching the ground intently like a chicken looking for worms when i heard a honk on my left. i looked up to see a guy in a car by the pavement looking at me. at frist, i thought, is this guy trying to pick me up or what? but the next thing i saw left me brimming with gratitude after that. the guy in the car was flashing my gold membership card right at me!! how did that happen? anyway he said that he had found it on the ground and kept it. he must have been a driving instructor and the whole area was riddled with driving instructors and students. so, he'd probably have guessed that i was a student who would be frequenting the place quite often. whatever it was, it was more that the miracle i had hoped for. i was just in total disbelief after that..AMEN!

anyway, i seem to have fallen back deeper into the old habit of procrastiantion. it's really bad! now, i just feel sick and giddy from doing nothing. too much bumming can kill!

eerrghh....

thank you for giving me hope. thank you for not letting it all end in your death. thank you for still loving me despite the the nails i drive into your heart. thank you for never taking your eyes off me even when i turn away from you. thank you for subjecting yourself to the lowest of the lowest.

i still cannot comprehend or grasp it, that you, a king, would do all this for me. it's too awesome to be true. you're such a mystery. everything about this is. human reason, they say, can't logic everything out. is it an excuse? but you were smart. you realised that even with signs and wonders, people would still be blind. i don't know how you will win. but i know you will.

i struggle so much. i give up when it gets tough. i hate because i'm scared of what love might get me into. but i realise that it's at those times when i struggle the most that i need to try to love and forgive the most. you did. and it amazes me how anyone could have done what you did.

i'm doubtful and in awe all at once. it's just too incredible. the greatest love story ever told. i've heard it all before, one time too many...and i never realised it until now.

sidenote: i was just telling my friend that i think God uses songs to talk to me. a few moments ago, it was alanis morissette. now, he used the beatles. i was changing the settings of my comments box and was just thinking of the words "like endless rain into a papercup." so i looked for the beatle's across the universe and decided that for zero comments i'd used the line "nothing's gonna change my world." then it suddenly hit me that it was totally related to the post i just posted about change! amazing! so God's also into the beatles i see...God and i should have tea together some time. only thing is, i don't drink coffee or tea. so boring, right?

obladi oblada in this life, change is a constant bla bla bla.

i like change. or maybe it's because i keep contracting the "grass-is-always-greener-on-the-other-side" syndrome. whatever it is, right now, i'm not coping with change too well.

not too long ago, i was feeling very down and i stated all my symptoms and upsets to a friend. i said that maybe i needed change. and he said, "i suspect that it's too much change for your liking." i thought, nar....

but now i think, yar...

everything's changing. it's like, the older u get, the more exponentially the amount of change in your life increases. and sometimes, it's just too much at one go. i'm just coping rather badly. i feel misunderstood. but i also feel that i may be misunderstanding some things that are important. it's really frustrating. and what makes me feel even more frustrated is my sense of helplessness, the fact that it's all happening at once and i can't stop or change any of it. how do you deal...

i guess i can try to change my attitude towards these changes instead. it's hard though. you might know what i mean. i guess only only one thing is constant. God. it's only our perception of him and his existence that changes just like everything else. sometimes, i just don't know whether to trust my thoughts or feelings, since they change so often too. so what or who can i trust? surely i must believe in something? oh gosh, now i'm totally confusing myself! help! good night!

hahahahahaha bah.

WOW! (oh damn, the link's gone. it's the theory about how everything in the universe will one day split into its simplest constituents, to put it simply)

Can you imagine what that must be like? everything exploding and falling apart, literally, around you...imagine, in slow motion, all you know just disintegrating into nothing, even the earth you walk upon...and to know you're not going to be spared. and would you try saving yourself? knowing that even if you did, there'd be nothing left, or worse, noone?

but think of it this way, we are not that much different from the ever-so-brilliant stars; we're made of the same stuff. and if the above were to happen, we'd die the same way as they do. supernovas. moby knew what he was saying when he said we're all made of stars.

at the moment i'm typing all this out, i'm listening to "save me" by kevin max. it's a beautiful song and somehow really compliments this entry, music and lyrics and all... haha. i strongly recommend it as a listen! go get it now!!!!

Sunrise, sunrise
Looks like morning in your eyes
But the clock's held 9:15 for hours

Sunrise, sunrise
Couldn't tempt us if it tried
'Cause the afternoon's already come and gone

And I say hooooo, oooooo, oooooo, oooooo
hooooo, oooooo, oooooo, oooooo
hooooo, oooooo, oooooo, oooooo
Do you?

i was sitting outside the interview room on thursday. i got a call from phaemie out of the blue in the morning to go down for the interview. but i was feeling lazy and didn't bother calling. then, i remembered my dreams of the maldives (or something like that) and how i would need money for it. so i left in the midst of the pouring afternoon rain, in a cab which swallowed up $11.70 worth of solid survival cash for the week. so, as i was saying, there i was sitting outside the interview room. and i couldn't help but sing norah jones "sunrise" over and over again. (i only know a few lines by heart. )
and wherever i went that whole day i just kept singing it. it's got this really cheerful effect over me in that, just singing it cheers me up! and it takes the seriousness out of life's "serious situations." for me at least!!

ah yes, yesterday was results day. i really didn't have much feelings about it prior to collecting that result slip. i came from work together with phaemie, who's now my colleague. she was really scared. so i told her to sing a song on the way to school and not think about it. so she started singing a song. haha. and i decided to do the same for myself while waiting for mars at the station. when she came, she told me that she had gotten a call from a teacher to say that she was going to be interviewed by berita harian(malay newspaper). i was like...this sounds familiar. in sec 4, nurul was sitting next to me, one of my best friends in class too. and she got interviewed as well(top malay student). i wonder what it is with me that my best friends always clinch some top student award or interview or something...don't you just wish to be my best friend? i'm like a muse or something man...haha. please disregard this crap.

i guess i'm happy with my results. don't shoot me but i think that it's not such a big deal. i mean, results aren't such a big deal. to me. probably why i'm not like estatic with joy right now or even was yesterday. well, yea, i was in temporary bliss yesterday but only temporarily. and hey, to those of you who aren't happy with your results, don't pull your hair out or kill yourself over it ok? results don't define who you really are. not to a large extent. and this education is only a minute fraction of the true education of our lives. and what matters is that we do not give up hope in ourselves because the big guy up there isn't going to anytime soon. cos he can see the big picture and we can't. and if you ask me, i think it's all good. and if it's not good now, don't worry! it's going to get better! trust me even if i don't know you and you don't know me and you happen to be reading this....i believe that there's always a way, even if you can't see it...life will bring you there, all we got to do is trust and move forward and never look back and dwell in the past. the future is an open white slate full of possibilities...don't deny yourself opportunities by dragging past concepts, impressions or situations into it! ok, i'm getting preachy but i hope you know what i mean. just never lose faith! it's ok to be upset for a while, disappointed even. but, just walk on after that. U2 has great songs for moments like these. haha and the soundtrack in my mind always plays them automatically when i'm down. go listen to them if you feel hopeless! "walk on" and "stuck in a moment." or just sing "sunrise"! haha...actually there are alot of things to do to remind ourselves of the goodness in a world like ours. it's whether we want to be reminded or not.

so anyway, for those in the dark, i lost my handphone! i left it in a cab on the way to my granduncle's wake/funeral. and i left it off! and i didn't know i left it in the cab until a few minutes later while emptying the contents of my bag to get it out for my lil cousins to play games on it. (boy were they upset with me!) anyway, so naturally, i didn't take the down the taxi number or the driver's name! all i know is that he had a booking for shenton way at 12.30pm on wednesday, 3rd march! i've called all the numbers i can call, but i haven't heard the good news yet! so i'm praying that the person who has my handphone is reading this right now and is going to send me an icq message to say that he/she is going to return me my phone! please!!! haha, it's really quite annoying because i have alot of contacts in there, especially with old friends...may God touch the heart of whoever has my phone and prickle his/her conscience till he/she returns it back to me! =p

And now the night
Will throw its cover down
mmmmm, on me again
Ooooh, and if I'm right
It's the only way to bring me back

hooooo, oooooo, oooooo, oooooo
hooooo, oooooo, oooooo, oooooo
hooooo, oooooo, oooooo, oooooo
Do you?

i went to the adidas warehouse sale on sunday. i couldn't find much stuff worth buying cos i came too late so i bought a hat and a shirt. The hat is too big for me. half my face is covered when i wear it. so i've been walking ard at home with this blue hat on my head trying to make the money spent on it worth something. the shirt i bought looks like something i'd wear for bowling. only thing i realised after i got home, it's a men's shirt. but who cares....it looks pretty girlish for a guy to wear anyway.

so well now, i'm still wearing my hat as i type. and it feels good walking ard the house wearing a hat such as this. makes a usual day bumming at home a bit more different and interesting. oh yes, you might be wondering why i'm bumming at home...i resigned from my job last friday. so that means i'm looking for another job. so i'm back to my favourite past time which is only my favourite when i'm at work or school. things are always my favourite when i don't get to do them or have them all the time.

i borrowed some vcds to watch over the weekend last. watched one just now, white oleander. it's ok. the book's far better though and i loved it...but i like the song at the end of the movie. >>> Safe and Sound by Sheryl Crow

haha silly me. i seem to miss my workplace now. but it all seems so far away already. my heart's always where i'm not. no wonder i'm always dreaming.