can we ever really be free?
there is always something we're yearning for
love, happiness, a friend, a chocolate, a great figure, revenge, to feel....
we're so tied down by the shackles of desire and sometimes maybe greed.
there is always something left to be yearned for.
to be free is to want nothing.
for nothing can keep you captive no more.

"he who wants nothing is invincible."
(valuable quote from the corniest mexiCAN movie ever, Once Upon A Time In Mexico)
he is free.

but i can't imagine a life like that.
what we yearn for makes up the essence of who we are.
so maybe i don't want to be COMPLETELY and UTTERLY free.
so there'll always be something to look forward to.

freedom,how sweet the sound.
but it would mean absolute contentment.
and do i want that?
i really don't know...

"the seaweed is always greener, on somebody else's lake."

results. we got them back yesterday. a sordid affair. so emotionally traumatising. before you can get over the trauma from one paper, another is thrown at you. they gave it ALL back at once.

"190!"

"here! what the..hey how much is this upon? oh my good..."

"190!"

"yes yes here! physics paper 3 shit have to go for the stupid saturday reme.."

"190!"

that was how it was like. (my index no is 190). hands shaking, eyes unblinking, heart thumping at 100 beats per second ready to jump out of my mouth...i was so totally overwhelmed i did not know which paper to start with first.

i really don't know what to make of these results. because i have never studied so hard in my life. i think. and i have to start thinking (should have started long ago) what the hell i'm supposed to do with my life. where....? what....? which...?

but i know that at the end of the day, this is all nothing. it will all fade away one day. that night, as i closed my eyes, the question was asked. "who do YOU say i am?" and at once, all i saw was darkness except a glimmer of light in the midst of it. only one thing will remain. YOU are everything. all others will cease to exist one day and fade into the blackness of nothingness. all except YOU, the everlasting.

so all you who feel despondent and discouraged cos of the results, dont be. it's nothing. nothing! why work so hard for it then? well, my reason is because we're already here. what's the point of trying then? if we'll reach the same end anyway? hey, what's the point of NOT trying?

i wouldn't trade it for anything.

a holiday really does wonders for the mind, body and soul.

if you're feeling so utterly tired of life right now, if you're feeling as though you just need a break from the shit-hole you're living in, if you're feeling jaded by your monotonous way of life, it's your whole entire being telling you, "hey, it's time to go for a holiday." a proper one. and nope, i don't mean a permanent one, no.

club med's good. they should pay me. i've turned into a walking club med advertisement! woohoo!

really, there's just too much to say. i'm overwhelmed. come ask me personally if you wanna know more about it. anyway, school's starting soon. until then, not touching no books till monday. just gonna relax a bit, watch some tv, read a book, indulge in some good music...blabla.

it's your life. you can pretty much do just about anything you want with it, no?

He's so amazing. In just 3 days, He can do all that to people. He listens to the smallest cries of distress, even when you think noone's listening or watching. and it doesn't go ignored. it's hard to worry when you know He's always here. He held my hand as i walked through new rough terrains where everyone was none but a stranger. and when He came into the room that night, my eyes did not see Him but my soul knew. and the tears just streamed down. and i knew. why He loves me so much, i still don't know. but thank you for loving me so much.

the words escape me. they do no justice anyway.

***

quick update: i was at a retreat from friday till yesterday. i went tired and with a heavy heart, wondering how i would get through it. i left with a smile on my face and a grin in my heart.

***

i'll be going to clubmed at bintan with sheryl tomorrow. which means that i'll be away from home for 3 days. again...i'm rather excited. but sheryl and i were wondering where to buy pep spray from. and we've been coming up with plans to avoid cuckoo stalkers in case there are any. and we're seriously hoping and praying there are no deranged bombermen there with no better way to dispose of their surplus explosives. my brother keeps insisting we should have gone for a cruise instead. actually i don't mind that too. anyway, hope we'll have a really fine time there. make our 4oo plus buckeroos worth it!!

now, what should i pack??

have you had that feeling, how when you suddenly have so many things to do in your life, that you just don't feel like doing anything at all? or how when there are just so many people you have to meet, that you just don't feel like meeting anyone at all? or how when there's just so much to say, that you just don't feel like saying anything at all?

right now, it's 17 minutes into the new day. today marks a really important day in my life. a turning point. a decision i'm making for myself and which life has made for me. i tell myself it's all for the better, to snap me out of the staleness i've been living in for so long. but am i just kidding myself? am i just consoling myself for something i'm gonna lose? am i gonna lose something important to me because of this? i'm sad and i'm worried because it's not a sure thing. there are so many things i would've loved to have done to put a stop to this anxiety, such unnecessary anxiety. but i fear the regrets that might come thereafter. i'd rather live with the hope that all is not lost than know for sure that it is. but i guess that's the reason why it's all getting stale.

so, today is a turning point. whether i like it or not, i must move on. i must embrace the new day and the new life ahead of me. it's going to be tough. i know it is. even though i tell myself it's no biggie.

i hope an answer may come to me one day, that i'll find it. i hope i'll know what to do about this whole thing. i hope i'll get through this and live to tell it without shedding a tear too many.

Dear God, please help me. Thank you.

(p.s. no, i didn't break up or anything. so that means, i leave you clueless again. =P )

OCTOPUSSES ARE AMAZING!!!

i was watching a documentary on them on national geographic just now. here's some of what i picked out. the males compete for their mates in really interesting ways. when a competitor comes along, they engage in a fight. how? they use intimidation by showing off the tentacles with their largest suction thingies. and when one of them realises his suction thingies are not as big, he just wanders off. haha. it's amazing! they actually know where their largest suction thingies are. and there are so many on each of their tentacles! how do they know? do they actually sit in one corner and examine all their tentacles to find the one with the largest suction thingies.(i'm sorry i can't remember the exact term used)

also, as some of you might have known before, octopusses can squeeze into anything! the smallest and narrows tubes and holes. on the show just now, there was a whole series of tanks connected to each other by tubes, straight ones and curly-wurly ones. and the strange thing is that these octopusses just go through each and every one of them without anyone telling them to do so! it's in the nature of octopusses. they have the tendency to explore every single place which is why they can be found in almost any place in the world's oceans. they can survive in the shallowest of waters and even in the deepest where the sun don't shine. some have really, really huge eyes, so that they can see in those really deep regions.
those look really amusing. and pretty scary. like ghosts with large eyes. cos they're all pale and white and flowy.

octopusses look really interesting...some have those tentacles with so many of those suction thingies while others have tentacles covered with strange little antennas(feelers). some have a blanket of skin joining all their tentacles. their skin is almost see-through. they look really awesome and beautiful! then there's even one who looks like an elephant, and it's nicknamed dumbo. there were so many others. there's something sacred and mystical about watching all those ocopusses, each kind distinct in its own way, floating mysteriously in the darkest and deepest of oceans. not all species of octopusses have been discovered yet. simply cos they can survive in the craziest places, places where no man has ever gone or can go to.

everything about octopusses is strange. their lives, their instincts, the way they adapt, the way they socialise....if one creature can be so amazing, imagine the rest of the world...just makes me feel so excited about living and going out there! have a nice day ;)

what's playing now : Beautiful by Belle and Sebastian

wooooh! what a sense of liberation. it feels as though the exams are over!!! but they're not.

we had physics paper 1 and 2 today. more horror stories! which idiot leaves blanks in the mcq part? well if i just called you an idiot, don't fret. i'm one too! it's funny how they announced that we should try not to leave blanks in our mcqs cos we have a 25% chance of getting the answer right ONLY WHEN ALL THE MCQ PAPERS HAVE BEEN DONE!!! haha, jokers.

also, i was fuming at the stupid compass. ok, smart compass. since mars lent it to me and i should be thankful for it. ( i swear there's some invisible monster in my house eating up my curve rulers and the contents of my geometry sets. they're empty! wonder if its name is pravin or jeevan(brothers)) anyway, this compass. it just wouldn't stay still. i had to keep re-drawing my magnetic fields. to make matters worse, low came to my desk and started hovering over me which was really stressful cos she's always so particular about whether your circle is a circle or your straight line is a straight line or your ass is an ass. was getting so stressed and pissed, then i just drew my magnetic field so horribly and flipped the page so she wouldn't have nothin to see anymore haha. damn.

and i have a complain. i hope an acjc teacher reads this. (be careful what you hope for, shireen) how are we supposed to finish so many questions which require so much content each in such short periods of time????? so demoralising! and so frustrating! the whole prelims have been one big exam to test how fast you can speed-write and speed-read. ok, maybe it's just me. yea, maybe. aaargh.

ANYWAY. as i was saying quite a while ago, it feels like the exams are over. cos the pain in the asses are over. the big ones. they're not all over. but at least, the finishing line doesn't seem so far anymore. it's just how i finish it now. haha. so to celebrate the "exams-are-almost-over-day", i shall not study today. oh no. but everyday is an "exams-are-almost-over-day" from now on! ok. today shall be "7-days-till-exams-are-over-day". there. better. what a waste of time and space this paragraph is. let me put an end to it and start a new one.

ok people. you should all go and check out olivia lee's website if you haven't yet. click on OLIVE'S link at the top and go check out her online scratchpad ver 2.0. it's all original and it's full of surprises. ollie is very talented. she's amazing. oooh, how jealous i am. quick!!! stop reading my stupid blog and go check it out!!! now!!!

(another song : Numb by U2)

when we were young, many of us took the school bus to school. i was gazing out of the wondow of the 147...and my gaze met the sight of a school bus. in it was a lone young boy in his primary school uniform, gazing out of his schoolbus window too. he was the only one left. which started me wondering, how does the last kid left on the bus feel everyday? after the second last kid has left? after the games have ended? after the last sandwich has been shared? after the laughter and chatter have ceased? how does it feel to go through that everyday? and how was it the first time?

then it got me thinking even further. and my thoughts drifted to a time when i was eight and had just moved house. moving house meant i had to change school bus. on the first day of taking the new bus to school, i was scared. it meant i had to start all over again. the whole schoolbus thing. the people. the school bus etiquette. as predicted, i got on the bus in the morning and was greeted by strangers. everyone was sleeping, since it was still so early in the morning. i took my seat and stared out of the window all the way to school. and i survived. it wasn't that bad.

when school ended that day, i had to take the same bus home. i walked to where all the buses were. and i couldn't find the right bus. they all looked the same. unlike my previous school bus which was so easy to spot. so when i finally found the bus that looked like the one i was supposed to get on,i got on. the moment i got on, i had a strange feeling. the faces looked so foreign. i dismissed that as me being not observant enough in the morning to bother putting into memory anyone's face. the other girls started getting on. they didn't recognise me. neither could i recognise them. then the bus driver got on. he couldn't recognise me. and i couldn't recognise him. he spoke to me. i forgot what he said. but i just sat still and kept quiet. i don't know why it never occured to me to ask him where he was going. or why i didn't call home to find out what the bus license plate number was. i just sat silently and looked out of the window. he drove to foreign places, neighbourhoods i'd never seen before. all along, i just kept silent. i always gave everything the benefit of the doubt. but in my mind, i knew something was wrong.

it was getting late, and there was still no sign of home. the second last kid was going to be dropped off and i was gonna be the last girl left. my heart was thumping, but still i said nought. i never spoke much then. was too scared. too timid. too shy. the whole speaking thing was too unnerving. and it just seemed better to stay quiet and not be noticed.

before dropping the last girl off, he gave me 10 cents to go make a call at a public phone booth in a deserted park in a strange housing estate. i obeyed. i got down and walked to the phone booth. and he drove away! i put the coin in and dialled the familiar 7-digit number. the moment i heard my mom's voice, i cried with relief. all the panic and fear in me suddenly seemed to explode from within, after being suppressed for so long.

how was i ever gonna get back? i had no idea where i was. the bus driver had driven away. when my mom asked me where i was, all i could do was say, "i don't know!" and cry even more. just when i thought all hope was lost, the bus returned, empty. the bus driver got off and took the phone from me and exchanged a few words with my mom. then, he told me to get on. and of course, i obeyed. i always obeyed strangers because i was too scared to protest. so anyway, i got on.

this time, i was the last girl left on the bus. it felt strange. i missed the old school bus so much. i didn't know where the driver was taking me. and i just sat silently. after a long while, the bus finally pulled up at my doorstep. and boy was i relieved. can't describe it. so yes, i had taken the wrong bus. my mom eventually had me change school bus the next day. and i had to go through the same whole school bus initiation thing again. but this time, i didn't take the wrong bus home.

the year after, the same thing happened again. when i took my first public bus. that was quite funny. but that's a whole other story. another long story on its own. i'll spare you. haha

so maybe i should write a book then. "the last girl left on the school bus" or "taking the wrong bus" or something. it's the realisation that hits you like a brick when you know you're lost. and when you can't ask anyone for help simply cause you were too afraid they'd hear your voice. that's when the utter sense of hopelessness hits you. things have changed i guess. though talking to strangers might still unnerve me at times, it's not such a bad thing anymore. it's experiences like the one above that have thought me that when all hope is lost and when you can't find your way, never doubt the power of a stranger's kindness. i might talk about that in another entry.

song : Some Voices by Pinback
(pretty groovy)

Please beware of them that stare
They'll only smile to see you while
Your time away
And once you've seen what they have been
To win the earth just won't seem worth
Your night or your day
Who'll hear what I say.
Look around you find the ground
Is not so far from where you are
But not too wise
For down below they never grow
They're always tired and charms are hired
From out of their eyes
Never surprise.

Take your time and you'll be fine
And say a prayer for people there
Who live on the floor
And if you see what's meant to be
Don't name the day or try to say
It happened before.

Don't be shy you learn to fly
And see the sun when day is done
If only you see
Just what you are beneath a star
That came to stay one rainy day
In autumn for free
Yes, be what you'll be.
Please beware of them that stare
They'll only smile to see you while
Your time away
And once you've seen what they have been
To win the earth just won't seem worth
Your night or your day
Who'll hear what I say.

Open up the broken cup
Let goodly sin and sunshine in
Yes that's today.
And open wide the hymns you hide
You find reknown while people frown
At things that you say
But say what you'll say
About the farmers and the fun
And the things behind the sun
And the people round your head
Who say everything's been said
And the movement in your brain
Sends you out into the rain.

-Things Behind the Sun by Nick Drake

spent the whole day at sheryl's. lately, i've been spending more time at other people's houses than my own...eating their food, watching their tv, using their tables to study, taking naps on their beds, bla bla. like i don't have a house or something. haha. big thanks to these people. but nothing beats coming home. sleeping on your own bed, eating your own home food, finding your fave food and drinks in the fridge, sitting as unpleasantly as you want on your own sofa with your legs everywhere, messing your room and the dining table as much as you want to with your notes, playing the type of music you like as loud as you want, watching all the tv shows You want to watch......just goes on and on and on..this list.

anyway at sheryl's, in between studying, we decided to treat ourselves to the korean movie, "the way home". (we spent quite a while fixing up the vcd player which turned into a tay family affair) this movie was really very heartwarming. slow-moving, somewhat, but heartwarming. initially i wanted to blog about it. but i'm getting sleepy now. and so the moment to blog it has passed. so too bad, folks. check it out if you'd like.

you know. studying isn't really that bad. alot of things we're learning now, many might say they're useless. just wasting our time and brain RAM. but i choose to think otherwise. all this physics, all this chemistry...if i can actually try to tahan it, i actually find that all i'm stuffing into my brain is actually causing me to appreciate the world even more. it's just so amazing how everything in this world has been worked out to the most minute detail. that nothing's not important enough. that it's all been taken care of. the smallest things. and if on this planet alone, there's so much to be learnt and so much left to be learnt, what more the rest of the universe! just makes me marvel at the mind of God even more. like..god is sooo smart..?!

know how science and spirituality have always clashed. i choose to believe that they tie in together. that by trying to uncover the secrets and the workings of this universe, we are in a way, doing the same to ourselves, taking a peek into the mind of god and reminding ourselves that there are some things bigger than the little worlds we choose to live in; the little bubbles of delusional joy or misery or hate we choose to wrap ourselves in.

which is why i want to travel. i want to see every damn thing there is to be seen. i want to experience everything. i want to go to the poorest town in the world and the wealthiest ones as well. i want to know what it's like to live in a war-torn country. i want to fall from a a great height without taking my life(guess i could bungee-jump or go free falling). i want to be an austronaut and fly into space and be surrounded by stars. i want to go under the sea and see the brilliant colours of the luminous corals and the fish with their funny expressions. i want to know what it's like to be part of a tribe. i want to know what it's like to be..say, my mom or my brother or my dog or a jock or a rockstar or the outcast(i'm sure many of us have experienced this before) or the one who's forgotten(and this too) or maybe even you who are reading this. i want to be there when a volcano erupts. or when the earth quakes. (but the destruction i do not desire)

i guess our books just bring us a step closer to all these experiences. but nothing beats being there yourself.

so as i was saying, about studying. sometimes i wonder what i'm studying so hard for.(am i studying hard??) i guess, it's for the grades, yes. for the exams. but i guess i do feel smarter now. haha. the way your body feels when you've had a good workout. that's my brain after a good day of studying. accomplished. and growing. don't get me wrong. i'm not addicted to studying, no. far from. lack the focus and attention span. but if you ever feel like giving up on studying, maybe what i have just said might help make studying a more meaningful affair. at least, that's what it's done for me...

just my two-cents worth for the coming exams. haha. don't worry, pple. remember. "Worry gives a small thing a big shadow". read that once in the mrt on my way home. ok, 'nuff said.

plus. just came out from a shiokeedoo refreshing bath.
minus. think i'm coming down with the cold.
plus. stuffed my brain with some useful knowledge today.
minus. feeling confused and slightly anxious about it.
plus. it doesn't matter. i'm happy.
minus. both my practicals were DISASTERS. (what's new?)
plus. maths was slightly better.
minus. been eating too much chocolates.
plus. they were good chocolates.
minus. there's still alot more in the fridge.
plus. there's still alot more in the fridge.
minus. so many exams next week.
plus. exam time isn't that bad.
minus. don't know what to do with my life later on.
plus. got a good book to read.
plus. it's funny.
plus. finally getting some time to waste.
minus. wasting time.
plus. looking forward to sleeping.
minus. still need to fry..i mean..dry my hair.
plus. the night is lovely.
plus. and it's mine.
plus. i'm free today.
plus. nice music to listen to.
plus. i am loved.
plus. i am blessed.
plus. i am more fortunate than i know.
plus. so are you.
minus. i can't think of any more minuses.
plus. i can't think of any more minuses.
plus. to infinity.

minus!!! i forgot to call sheryl!!! later, folks!