"Now here is my secret: you can only see things deeply with your heart. What is essential is invisible to the eye."

"Yes," I said to the little prince. "Whether it is a house, or stars, or the desert, what makes their beauty is invisible."

i am so amazed by the uncertainties and unpredictabilities of life. the way things work out in the least expected ways. and totally turn our worlds upside down and make us question all that we thought we once knew. and then, out of the blue, nothing is the same anymore.

i am in an utter state of confusion. a million and one things spinning through my mind, like a restless whirlwind.

is it A, B ,C or D? can i use my life-line? what about 50-50? what does the audience have to say about this?

then, without a clue whatsoever...

so, what about E?

E? what's that all about? you mean there's an E? could it be...E? is this for real???

it's chaotic. it's a lil sad. it's such a tease.

and strangely, it's also beautiful.

saturdays are lovely.

i love saturdays. don't you?

no i haven't died. and i haven't given up on blogging. ;)

just feeling so utterly tired nowadays. i don't know why. but i have this inkling that it's because i've been thinking way too much for my own good. about...things.

my soul seems heavy. it seems to take way too much effort to drag it around. as though i were heaving a rotting carcass on my back. it seems too tiring to live, to talk, to smile, to open my eyes, to sleep, to eat, to be.

i want to be so much more than i am now. i want to change so many things. i want to say so much. i want to go somewhere.

but i don't know how. either that, or i'm just too afraid to. day by day, i seem to be losing that spark in me. till i now wonder whether it was ever really there. there's only so much brands essence of chicken i can gulp down in a day, right?

it appears to me that i've been worrying too much. i seem to be losing faith. in myself, in people, in my life, in god. i seemed to have let doubt creep into the crevices of my mind and slowly, i'm losing trust in the most important things. the things that matter. what's happening? why?

it's funny that when i start losing sight of things, i start wondering whether they ever existed in the first place. but a tiny glimmer of faith still remains. and a dash of hope too. that those things have always been there. and i want to stop fighting this losing battle. with worry and anxiety, i can never win. it's a sure way to suicide, in all sense of the word. sometimes i wonder if at times, i turned my depression into my heroine. the perfect drug for self-destruction. something tells me that i should just let go. to stop clinging on to such things. to unlock the chains i chained unto myself and just float away into the new day....

and a nagging voice amidst all the chicken voices in my head tells me that i should get up off my fat ass and do something about IT. now.

and a beautiful song which says it all for the moment : Bigger than my Body - John Mayer

can we ever really be free?
there is always something we're yearning for
love, happiness, a friend, a chocolate, a great figure, revenge, to feel....
we're so tied down by the shackles of desire and sometimes maybe greed.
there is always something left to be yearned for.
to be free is to want nothing.
for nothing can keep you captive no more.

"he who wants nothing is invincible."
(valuable quote from the corniest mexiCAN movie ever, Once Upon A Time In Mexico)
he is free.

but i can't imagine a life like that.
what we yearn for makes up the essence of who we are.
so maybe i don't want to be COMPLETELY and UTTERLY free.
so there'll always be something to look forward to.

freedom,how sweet the sound.
but it would mean absolute contentment.
and do i want that?
i really don't know...

"the seaweed is always greener, on somebody else's lake."

results. we got them back yesterday. a sordid affair. so emotionally traumatising. before you can get over the trauma from one paper, another is thrown at you. they gave it ALL back at once.

"190!"

"here! what the..hey how much is this upon? oh my good..."

"190!"

"yes yes here! physics paper 3 shit have to go for the stupid saturday reme.."

"190!"

that was how it was like. (my index no is 190). hands shaking, eyes unblinking, heart thumping at 100 beats per second ready to jump out of my mouth...i was so totally overwhelmed i did not know which paper to start with first.

i really don't know what to make of these results. because i have never studied so hard in my life. i think. and i have to start thinking (should have started long ago) what the hell i'm supposed to do with my life. where....? what....? which...?

but i know that at the end of the day, this is all nothing. it will all fade away one day. that night, as i closed my eyes, the question was asked. "who do YOU say i am?" and at once, all i saw was darkness except a glimmer of light in the midst of it. only one thing will remain. YOU are everything. all others will cease to exist one day and fade into the blackness of nothingness. all except YOU, the everlasting.

so all you who feel despondent and discouraged cos of the results, dont be. it's nothing. nothing! why work so hard for it then? well, my reason is because we're already here. what's the point of trying then? if we'll reach the same end anyway? hey, what's the point of NOT trying?

i wouldn't trade it for anything.

a holiday really does wonders for the mind, body and soul.

if you're feeling so utterly tired of life right now, if you're feeling as though you just need a break from the shit-hole you're living in, if you're feeling jaded by your monotonous way of life, it's your whole entire being telling you, "hey, it's time to go for a holiday." a proper one. and nope, i don't mean a permanent one, no.

club med's good. they should pay me. i've turned into a walking club med advertisement! woohoo!

really, there's just too much to say. i'm overwhelmed. come ask me personally if you wanna know more about it. anyway, school's starting soon. until then, not touching no books till monday. just gonna relax a bit, watch some tv, read a book, indulge in some good music...blabla.

it's your life. you can pretty much do just about anything you want with it, no?

He's so amazing. In just 3 days, He can do all that to people. He listens to the smallest cries of distress, even when you think noone's listening or watching. and it doesn't go ignored. it's hard to worry when you know He's always here. He held my hand as i walked through new rough terrains where everyone was none but a stranger. and when He came into the room that night, my eyes did not see Him but my soul knew. and the tears just streamed down. and i knew. why He loves me so much, i still don't know. but thank you for loving me so much.

the words escape me. they do no justice anyway.

***

quick update: i was at a retreat from friday till yesterday. i went tired and with a heavy heart, wondering how i would get through it. i left with a smile on my face and a grin in my heart.

***

i'll be going to clubmed at bintan with sheryl tomorrow. which means that i'll be away from home for 3 days. again...i'm rather excited. but sheryl and i were wondering where to buy pep spray from. and we've been coming up with plans to avoid cuckoo stalkers in case there are any. and we're seriously hoping and praying there are no deranged bombermen there with no better way to dispose of their surplus explosives. my brother keeps insisting we should have gone for a cruise instead. actually i don't mind that too. anyway, hope we'll have a really fine time there. make our 4oo plus buckeroos worth it!!

now, what should i pack??

have you had that feeling, how when you suddenly have so many things to do in your life, that you just don't feel like doing anything at all? or how when there are just so many people you have to meet, that you just don't feel like meeting anyone at all? or how when there's just so much to say, that you just don't feel like saying anything at all?

right now, it's 17 minutes into the new day. today marks a really important day in my life. a turning point. a decision i'm making for myself and which life has made for me. i tell myself it's all for the better, to snap me out of the staleness i've been living in for so long. but am i just kidding myself? am i just consoling myself for something i'm gonna lose? am i gonna lose something important to me because of this? i'm sad and i'm worried because it's not a sure thing. there are so many things i would've loved to have done to put a stop to this anxiety, such unnecessary anxiety. but i fear the regrets that might come thereafter. i'd rather live with the hope that all is not lost than know for sure that it is. but i guess that's the reason why it's all getting stale.

so, today is a turning point. whether i like it or not, i must move on. i must embrace the new day and the new life ahead of me. it's going to be tough. i know it is. even though i tell myself it's no biggie.

i hope an answer may come to me one day, that i'll find it. i hope i'll know what to do about this whole thing. i hope i'll get through this and live to tell it without shedding a tear too many.

Dear God, please help me. Thank you.

(p.s. no, i didn't break up or anything. so that means, i leave you clueless again. =P )

OCTOPUSSES ARE AMAZING!!!

i was watching a documentary on them on national geographic just now. here's some of what i picked out. the males compete for their mates in really interesting ways. when a competitor comes along, they engage in a fight. how? they use intimidation by showing off the tentacles with their largest suction thingies. and when one of them realises his suction thingies are not as big, he just wanders off. haha. it's amazing! they actually know where their largest suction thingies are. and there are so many on each of their tentacles! how do they know? do they actually sit in one corner and examine all their tentacles to find the one with the largest suction thingies.(i'm sorry i can't remember the exact term used)

also, as some of you might have known before, octopusses can squeeze into anything! the smallest and narrows tubes and holes. on the show just now, there was a whole series of tanks connected to each other by tubes, straight ones and curly-wurly ones. and the strange thing is that these octopusses just go through each and every one of them without anyone telling them to do so! it's in the nature of octopusses. they have the tendency to explore every single place which is why they can be found in almost any place in the world's oceans. they can survive in the shallowest of waters and even in the deepest where the sun don't shine. some have really, really huge eyes, so that they can see in those really deep regions.
those look really amusing. and pretty scary. like ghosts with large eyes. cos they're all pale and white and flowy.

octopusses look really interesting...some have those tentacles with so many of those suction thingies while others have tentacles covered with strange little antennas(feelers). some have a blanket of skin joining all their tentacles. their skin is almost see-through. they look really awesome and beautiful! then there's even one who looks like an elephant, and it's nicknamed dumbo. there were so many others. there's something sacred and mystical about watching all those ocopusses, each kind distinct in its own way, floating mysteriously in the darkest and deepest of oceans. not all species of octopusses have been discovered yet. simply cos they can survive in the craziest places, places where no man has ever gone or can go to.

everything about octopusses is strange. their lives, their instincts, the way they adapt, the way they socialise....if one creature can be so amazing, imagine the rest of the world...just makes me feel so excited about living and going out there! have a nice day ;)

what's playing now : Beautiful by Belle and Sebastian

wooooh! what a sense of liberation. it feels as though the exams are over!!! but they're not.

we had physics paper 1 and 2 today. more horror stories! which idiot leaves blanks in the mcq part? well if i just called you an idiot, don't fret. i'm one too! it's funny how they announced that we should try not to leave blanks in our mcqs cos we have a 25% chance of getting the answer right ONLY WHEN ALL THE MCQ PAPERS HAVE BEEN DONE!!! haha, jokers.

also, i was fuming at the stupid compass. ok, smart compass. since mars lent it to me and i should be thankful for it. ( i swear there's some invisible monster in my house eating up my curve rulers and the contents of my geometry sets. they're empty! wonder if its name is pravin or jeevan(brothers)) anyway, this compass. it just wouldn't stay still. i had to keep re-drawing my magnetic fields. to make matters worse, low came to my desk and started hovering over me which was really stressful cos she's always so particular about whether your circle is a circle or your straight line is a straight line or your ass is an ass. was getting so stressed and pissed, then i just drew my magnetic field so horribly and flipped the page so she wouldn't have nothin to see anymore haha. damn.

and i have a complain. i hope an acjc teacher reads this. (be careful what you hope for, shireen) how are we supposed to finish so many questions which require so much content each in such short periods of time????? so demoralising! and so frustrating! the whole prelims have been one big exam to test how fast you can speed-write and speed-read. ok, maybe it's just me. yea, maybe. aaargh.

ANYWAY. as i was saying quite a while ago, it feels like the exams are over. cos the pain in the asses are over. the big ones. they're not all over. but at least, the finishing line doesn't seem so far anymore. it's just how i finish it now. haha. so to celebrate the "exams-are-almost-over-day", i shall not study today. oh no. but everyday is an "exams-are-almost-over-day" from now on! ok. today shall be "7-days-till-exams-are-over-day". there. better. what a waste of time and space this paragraph is. let me put an end to it and start a new one.

ok people. you should all go and check out olivia lee's website if you haven't yet. click on OLIVE'S link at the top and go check out her online scratchpad ver 2.0. it's all original and it's full of surprises. ollie is very talented. she's amazing. oooh, how jealous i am. quick!!! stop reading my stupid blog and go check it out!!! now!!!

(another song : Numb by U2)