sickness festers in secrets.

i was told it's not possible. but i want to reach the state where i won't have to hold any more secrets. why do secrets remain secrets? only because we are afraid to reveal them. does witholdding it give us some kind of power, make us feel less vulnerable?

well, i don't care if this sounds mad but it makes sense to me. only when i have no more secrets and am not afraid to reveal them will i have attained ultimate peace within myself. will i be vulnerable? of course. but the day i am not afraid to reveal these secrets is the day i will not be afraid of being vulnerable. and the freedom that comes with it will surpass all else. it's the day i have learnt to totally love and accept myself.

sickness festers in secrets. i just don't want to hide anymore, it's suffocating.

i've been pretty much cooped up at home though it's the holidays now. sheryl left for her sailing trip today. jac recited to me her whole schedule of tete-a-tetes with old friends in nice coffee places ( i don't drink coffee but i like hanging out in those places). another friend is resuming with driving lessons. another tells me how excited she is about her swimming session with her cousin. on and on and on. so you're wondering why am i stll cooping myself up at home?

i sprained my ankle last friday during a futsal competition in school. it was only the qualifying rounds. i had no school that day but had to rush down all the way only because of this. each round consisted 2 halves, each lasting 5 mins. we had only 2 games to play. during the second game, that's when it happened. i was going for a header, flying in the air, eyes on the ball when WHAM BAM BETCHA SAM i was knocked off my course of landing. a crick was heard as my left feet collided with the groud and i found myself rolling on the court, too traumatised to cry, breathing in and out like there was no tomorrow.

"oh my gosh! how's your head??"

"NOT MY HEAD, MY ANKLE!!!"

"oh man, did you hurt your head??"

"MY ANKLE, MY ANKLE!!"

"OH, her ankle!! ok,where's the ice??"

the team played again on monday and they got a 2nd overall. and i received a message asking me when i was free to collect my medal. haha.

i was very touched by the whole incident though. first of all, i was playing amongst a group of strangers. that day was the first time i had met my team. there were also a few people whom i had gotten to know the week before at women's soccer training. so many people were trying to help me, some i didn't even know at all. finally, when i had to get up to walk to the taxi, i found that i couldn't walk at all and ended up being carried! i didn't even get their names, all these people. but thank you, all of you! i appreciate it sooo much!

u know, spraining my ankle this time is very different. it's different from all the other times i've sprained my ankle/s. and believe me, i've sprained my ankle/s one time tooo many. i couldn't walk at all the whole weekend and had to use crutches. my room's on the third floor and everyday, i'd find myself hopping up and down 3 storeys on my right leg! but that's not why it's different. it was the fact that i was happy and finding the whole thing exciting and refreshing. yea, i was a bit pissed off in the beginning. but not for long.

u see, i realised that noone owed me anything. and yet, so many people came to my aid. be it holding the door open for me, risking back injury to carry me, getting me a piece of chicken wing, taking me to the sinseh....why? some might say people have their own agendas up their sleeves but what about those who'd only ever meet me once, which was the time they'd helped me? it's a beautiful experience. sometimes we wonder why this world is such a shithole. when i realised i'd sprained my ankle, i felt that way. but all i saw was more goodness that anything else.

also, i was filled with deep awe for the doctors who treated me. the sinseh (chinese physician) is psychic i tell you! i was just sooooo amazed!

another story. i was so afraid to walk for a while. everytime i wanted to, the pain would hit me hard and i'd be calling myself an idiot in all languages. after a while, i got so scared i didn't dare walk anymore. it was really tiring being on my right leg all the time. my armpits were seriously hurting from using the crutches. i was pretty much rolling around on my study chair most of the time. i felt so crippled but i didn't want to leave the comfort on not having to feel pain. then a thought occured to me. that it was possible i'd become the girl who never walked again...not because i could not but because i dared not. all because of a sprained ankle. the thought sounded awfully ridiculous and crazy to me, yet possible all at once.

oh gosh no, i thought to myself. that should never happen! and i took my first step and it hurt like mad but i managed to find a way to walk where it would not hurt too much. and i kept at it. then i realised, the more i walked, the less painful it became! it still hurts when i walk, right now as i type. but i know that pretty soon, i'll be walking freely again. even running and jumping for headers soon!

but what's the lesson here?? i learnt that many of us could possibly end up like the girl who would never walk again just because of a sprained ankle. we are so scared of the pain that comes from being separated from our crutches and wheelchairs and having to walk on our own two feet. the fear of the pain causes us to retreat to them. and everytime we want to try again, we're reminded of the fear and retreat again. till one day, we'd just never walk again. what crutches? what wheelchairs?

people who dive into one relationship after another looking for home, looking for security...people who fill themselves up with drugs, booze and nicotine and can't seem to live without them...people who are on a constant quest for money and power to feel a sense of worth...these are our crutches and our wheelchairs...

it will hurt when we start to walk. but it is the pain of separation. pretty soon, you find it no longer hurts that much. you find you're less crippled than when you first started out. you find that your fear has been turned into joy and love.

do you want your armpits to hurt forever or your right leg to grow bigger while your left turns flabby? or your ass to grow so heavy you'd never be able to get up again?? do you want to be crippled forever? you know what i mean. get up and walk. it takes faith and perseverance and patience.

"that was really good. but there's one thing i didn't like about it. too impatient!"

as the coach said that, i couldn't help but think that it was more than just about my soccer skills.

patience is a virtue is a gross understatement. we really underestimate the value of this virtue. faith, love and hope are the fruits of patience. when we are impatient, we jump of buildings, take drugs, divorce, kill, rape, fall into depression, run away from love....

there's too much for me to spill on the past few weeks so i'm just pouring out what's on my heart and in my mind at this present moment now. and i realise, like everything else, i have to accept this weakness in me before i can do anything about it. i gotta do something about it. i gotta stop running away...

it's not that life is stress-free. this week onwards, smu is gonna be such a killer. projects, assignments, presentations...pretty intimidating..

but somehow, i'm not anxious anymore. of course, there's that little bit of stress but that's healthy. in fact, these days, i just love being alive so much! if u ask me to tell u why, i'll probably explode. every moment is so awe-inspiring....god is a genius!

where do i begin?? i know how to end though. when you've only one breath left, use it to say "thank you". ever since i read that quote, i've held steadfast to it.

thank you, god!

p.s. i know this is a lousy update. but seriously...haha =P

i was walking back along the side of the field after walking sheryl to the bus-stop when i heard the loud "booms" which sounded like thunder and shifted my gaze to the sky far beyond and saw it illuminated. fireworks! but i couldn't see a single one.

i rushed to the end of the road but it didn't make a difference because my view was blocked by houses and more houses no matter how far i walked. "i'll be seeing you tomorrow," i said and turned around and walked home (i'm dragging my family to marina promenade tomorrow for the fireworks display). i love fireworks! one of the most beautiful inventions!

i'll be going to watch every one of the fireworks displays this month. my mom wants to go away for a holiday on national day but i said "NO!!!" because i don't want to miss the fireworks and she said that i can see it every year. but i told her that i might not live to see it next year and who knows? she scolded me for saying such a thing but added, "then you'll be seeing even bigger fireworks." she had a point.

today was my last day of work at the amazing star montessori house. what can i say? this was one bunch of kids i really grew to love. at first, they struck me as a bunch of spoilt brats with really rich parents. but i soon learnt that was not to be the case as i got a closer look at the whacky and amazing personalities of each and everyone one of them. i really didn't want to leave. i bought them sweets which made them happy but i don't think they understand why. they probably were more interested in the sweets. haha...

i had to say goodbye to jade. i told her i would not be coming back and she asked why and i said i had to go to school and she said "yar last time miss eileen told me u have to go to your school." and i said yea and i asked her to promise me she'd finish all her food quickly today and she did and showed me her empty bowl before putting it in the pail. i went around snapping shots of them all. but of course, jade had the most pictures on my camera. i even took a short video clip of her so i'd remember her voice and the funny things she says and her cheeky facial expressions and whatever i can grab hold of in those short 8 seconds. i keep talking abt jade and the kids non-stop, sending the photos and video clips to whoever i can. to the world, they're just a bunch of cute kids maybe. but to me, it's so much more! so i'm sorry if i've been forcing any of you to look at all the photos and watch the clip. it's just that it's like i've obtained this treasure i just want so much to share with the world! hehe...

before leaving, i sent her off to her schoolbus after putting on her jacket and her socks and shoes because she was the last one as usual and the bus aunty was rushing her (she can actually do all those by herself). before she left, i asked her for a hug though i usually don't really innitiate hugs and she gave me one and i breathed it in. as she left, she hopped off to her schoolbus and kept turning back to shout, "bye little miss shireen reeeeeeeen!!" and i replied with "bye little monkey jade!!" and then she was gone. slowly i got my bag and bid farewell to the teachers and little eden who was waiting for his mom and accident-prone sarah-ann who's always unintentionally getting into trouble and danette who's charming in her own ways and all the rest who i love so dearly! the 2 chef extraordinaires said i could come back to eat anytime because i told them how much i'm gonna miss their food and so i think i will.

it was only a month and yet it changed my life so much. though it's just so heartbreaking to leave and my heart aches everytime i watch the short video clip of jade and look at the photos of all the kids, i'm so grateful for even having this chance to stumble upon their extraordinary lives....

how do i live a normal life after this? the past few months of my life have been spent as though i were on a retreat from the world. many amazing things, through the grace of god, were revealed to me. but pretty soon, i've to go back out there again. and i've been getting sips of it from time to time recently, and i feel threatened. i know i should be more ready now and that all the things that happened to me in the past half a year happened to me for this moment, but it's just going to be so hard to leave that comfort zone. i don't know if anyone reading this might understand me but i can't imagine living a normal life again. i know i'm different now. i may crack the same silly jokes and wear the same clothes, but i know something big and drastic has happened. and it would be such a waste to let it all go to waste because of fear.

how broken we all really are. how we delude ourselves with illusions of joy which are ephemeral. how we make excuses for ourselves and run away. how blind and foolish we are. how imperfect. and how could anyone love us? but that is why love has been made perfect, through us, imperfect blemished and scarred creatures.

why do we look everywhere else? why do we refuse to believe? why do we wallow in self-pity and make it seem as though we are fighting alone, making ourselves appear as the victims? why can't we believe that something that good really could happen to us and for us? why do we shun and turn away from the only thing that can make us whole and truly loved?

the fact that you were born makes you worthy already. even the slightest and smallest raindrop, teardrop or dewdrop has a divine purpose which is rooted in love. and what more the miracle of your life? it is beyond our human understanding, at least beyond mine. but even the foolishness of god surpasses the wisdom of men. you can't put the whole ocean into a little pothole you dug in the sand.

it's not a comforting thought. when we get through one obstacle, it doesn't end. in fact, there are plenty more to come, harder ones. at least, it doesn't end until you're ready for it all to. it's how we grow and each is a step closer to heaven.

but how it all tugs at my heart now. the skies were clear, for a while.

i was taking a nap for a while and i get the weirdest dreams only during afternoon naps. it's so weird i don't know where to start! what does it all mean?

it started with me being on a field trip with a group of people in a really cold place which was dark most of the time with snow everywhere. i know for sure sheryl was there because when we stepped out of the building to join everyone for dinner, it was so dark we didn't know where we were going and slipped into a giant snowball that was actually a giant cake. the lights came on and we found ourselves surrounded by angry eyes all ready to start dinner and we had just ruined their dessert. so we went into a building which looked like a hotel. i wasn't with sheryl anymore but with mel tan. the hotel was very grand and oppulent and from the features and accents of the employess, i was probably somewhere in the middle-east and was thinking to myself how the grandest of places can be found here. i went into one room and found that it was the toilet. i went into another which i thought was the toilet but it turnd out to be a room to put bags in and powder up your face and some other crap. then i entered another room and was with sheryl again. only it was a GIANT hall. i saw acrobats and they were really high up. the background seemed to be the sky. everyone was enthralled by the acrobats but i was looking at the sky beyond. and saw a rainbow. it kept appearing and disappearing. it's colours were brilliant and irridiscent. then the whole sky was flashing with colours, on and off, streaks of light of all colours. i was mesmerised and kept pointing at it and crying in delight, asking everyone to look. but everyone was so caught up with the acrobats. then i realised that the sky was actually just the ceiling of the big hall i was in and the lights and the rainbow were just laser beams shone onto it. but i was mesmerised neverthelss. next thing i know i was strapped onto a board, hanging upside down. then i was hoisted up until i was at the same level as the acrobats and was allowed to watch the whole show from there. i was estatic. when the show was over, i was brought down to ground level again and all the lights came on and i was unstrapped and left and just, walked home.

but home wasn't the cold place i described before. it was in another country. wait, it was a house somewhere in the middle-east i think. but it looked like a singaporean housing estate. i was staying with uncle manu and family and a few friends. i can't remember what happened at this house. all i know is that uncle manu's family disappeared for a day and came back the next. aunty asha came to speak to me and told me they went to say prayers for dheeraj. (my little cousin who passed away some few years ago. she told me they had to keep repeating this line. i can't remember what the exact line was but it went something like, "i'm in so deep." she said that if we kept repeating it, satan couldn't get through. and she started talking about jesus and mary. and i started crying. but the wierd part is that they're not even close to being a christian. i couldn't comprehend and was so astounded that i cried. and that's when i realised it was all a dream.

i'd kill to go to prison!

pun intended.

i'm a teacher in a childcare centre now and i have to tell kids not to run around and climb everywhere and to finish their food and to play toys the way they're supposed to be played. and this concerns me because i've always believed in allowing children to express their creativity. and when they draw their strokes for the alphabets in the "wrong" order and i correct them because i'm supposed to and they ask me why they can't draw it that way, you know what? i can't give them an answer because i'd also like to know why it can't be drawn that way. or why the toy has to be played a certain way. it's quite ironic that the quickest way to stop being childlike is by being a pre-school teacher. but of course, i shall not allow that to happen for being childlike is really the secret to living a fulfilled and joyful life. so to make up for my school teacher demeanor, i secretly play "nonsensical" games with the kids and join in their whacked conversations and games. i don't want to forget that we have much to learn from children even though we're "the educators". though we may teach them math, english and the rules, they're the ones who constantly remind us of how life should be lived; to be free-spirited, transparent, vulnerable, honest and to enjoy every moment of it. seriously, just let them and every thing can be turned into a game or something to laugh about. the simplest things are a cause for amusement and wonderment.

there is one girl. her name is jade and i'm smitten. she's different from the other kids. she's about 3, and boy is she one small 3-year-old. she has short hair and looks like a pixie. in the mornings, when i walk through the gates, she comes up to me shyly, but one can see the glint of mischief in her eye and her cheeky smile. "ms shireen," she says softly and hangs around for a while. then she walks around observing what the other kids are doing, occasionally joining in bouts of laughter started by other kids or starting one herself. (she finds everything funny.) then she comes up to me again and reports an amusing discovery she's made. (sometimes it's from out of her imagination.)

now jade is one helluva slow eater! she's always the last one to finish and i'm always the one who stays behind to make sure she finishes her food. all along, i've been feeding her because when she puts a spoonful of food into her mouth, she starts daydreaming and stops chewing, forgetting she's got food in her mouth. i have to keep making deals with her and sometimes end up begging her and it gets really tiring. so on tuesday, after lunch, i gave her a lecture. yes i gave a 3-year-old this really long lecture about how "i was very very very very very tired of her giving me so much trouble at lunch and making everyone wait for her" and "was it fair to keep the aunty waiting for her so she could clean up or me?" and blablabla. (i knew she'd understand. she's a smart girl.) and after the lecture she agreed to finish up her food more quickly from the next day onwards. so yesterday, wednesday, before she went for lunch, she saw me reading a book to a boy named eden who's about 2 and is very mischievous too. but somehow, books have this calming magical effect on him as i've found out recently. so jade brought another book from the rack and wanted me to read it to her though everyone else had gone off for lunch. so i made a deal with her. i asked her if she remembered what i said to her the day before and asked her whether she would eat "like a good girl" if i read her the book and she said yes. and you know what? not only did i not have to feed her but she finished it so much faster! and for each spoonful that she took, i praised her and said something like "very good jade!" and "wow, jade!" or something like that.

the next took me by surprise. kids just know how to melt hearts. there i was busy nagging other kids and giving out apples for dessert and she said "ms shireen look at me." but i was busy so i couldn't really give my full attention to her. then she said, "ms shireen, look at me because.." and she said the next so softly.."because i love you."

i just felt so touched by her. not just because she said that she loved me but because she took me seriously and kept her promise to me. and i'm also touched by the way she says hello to me each morning. other kids run up to the teachers and hug them and scream their teachers' names. those are cute. but she's different. she just walks up to you quietly but her face speaks a thousand words and her smile a million more. she can be naughty and maybe she finds "too many" things funny, but i can't stay mad at her for long because she's just so pure and lovely. jade is not mushy or clingy. she's very smart and her imagination is just plain wild. (she likes to eat hair, thinks she's a monkey, likes to catch elephants and bathe with them, scares birds and talks to them, wears stickers on her forehead, etc, etc.) she's always bouncing around and ready to help others. she doesn't stay mad for long and i've never seen her cry. if the other girls don't share their toys with her, she's still happy. but she's always ready to share and never makes anyone feel unwanted or unwelcome (as kids are known to cruelly do at times.)

we have a really special friendship and i'll be sad when i stop working there at the end of the month. will she forget me? (kids have short-term memory.) will i ever see her again? who will read her stories and talk crap with her during lunch when she's the last one left? i know i sound like i'm one of her classmates or something but she's won me over with her charm.

lovely jadey jade (i call her that). she's a rare one.

Hello everybody...

today, we're gonna explore words. yes, this whole entry will be dedicated to words. i found the following rather....interesting.

i mean, who would've thought that the word for throwing a person out of the window would be the number one favourite word?

and there's actually a group called the Plain English Campaign which "campaigns against clichés, jargon, and obfuscation, particularly in official and public documents." which brings us to the list of the most cliched words and phrases. (i'm guilty of using the first one too much, haha. what? i can't help it if it's becoming a growing trend among guys these days.)

and "singing from the same hymm sheet" and "move the goal post" are considered to be amongst the most irritating cliched phrases used??

ah well, just some fun facts. i hope you haven't been discombobulated by this plethora of wordy issues. it's no big deal; don't have to be a flibbertigibbet and create a big kerfuffle!