we were having supper on friday night, a few of us, after the day was over for this retreat i was facilitating at. one of the musicians joined us and he was asking all these funny questions like is it possible to have a perfectly square house with all four walls (the outside) facing the north pole or whether it was possible to be the day before and after yesterday. the latter, we concluded, was possible and he asked because he was marvelling at the fact you could be in two states at once. maybe he should have met me earlier. anxious, scared, inspired, happy, contented, insecure, restless. that's like, a few states at once. and just in case you're wondering the answer to his first question..yes it's possible if the house is on the south pole.

"Our hearts were made for You, O Lord, and are restless until they rest in You." -St. Augustine

it's been far too long and about time! it was sweet meeting up with you again, addie. just like old times, you always feel like home. you're crazy and funny and lame and selfless and kind and i love you just the way you are. dear god, thank you for addie. amen. =)
(i think you can fry an egg on my forehead! eeeeeee!)

fireworks. boom! like a million little stars exploding from the nothingness of a black sky, fading away slowly and silently while they fall towards the earth and the sea and the people. does that ever happen to your heart?

i thought 2 months would crawl by painfully, slowly. i thought the 16th of july would never come. but now, i feel like veronika with her last 5 days left and i wonder whether i should be a little crazier. the world will go on without me whether i like it or not. as i walk along the boardwalk later, noone will know how numbered my days here are. and when i leave on friday, the piers will still be open. the seagulls will still continue to swoop down and steal exposed pizzas and funnel cakes. people will go to michael's to party like there's no tomorrow every other night. there will be new cashiers sitting where i use to sit. people will still go up to the booths to ask how many tickets the great white costs or where the nearest restroom is. but then, life will never be the same for the few who i mattered to. life will never be same for me.

saying goodbye never seemed so hard before...

someone stuck a piece of a wristband on some part of the window pane of my ticket booth today and it was blank and i was bored and i wrote the all too familar verse by blake on it.

"to see the world in a grain of sand,
and heaven in a flower;
hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
and eternity in an hour."

and then i go back to reading "veronika decides to die" by paulo coelho and then read a paragraph about Infinity and Eternity and my heart stops and then starts, but only this time, it beats with a new vigour. is it a coincidence or merely the language of the universe? i'm not too sure about coincidences these days.

sometimes, alot of times these days, i feel sad during the nights or in the mornings when i'm alone. i don't know how i got this way because i used to love these moments. and today, i felt sorry for myself when i caught myself trying desperately to fill up the empty spaces of the day with people and activities to battle the time alone. then we sang a line of a verse of a song today..

"are you sinking in your sorrow?"

and i thought to myself, hell yeah.

and then...

"come spend some time with me, come away.."

such simple words. spoke volumes to me. why do i desperately try to fill up the loneliness and then crumple into a heap of despair after that feeling tired and angry that it's reached such a state? no really...the question is..why do i need to? is it a form of indulgence? is it my pride? or is it that i just forgot?

alot of times, i feel alot of things. things touch me in so many ways and i can't tell you i'm happy i can't tell you i'm sad but i can tell you i'm happysadmadglad and a whole lot more, if a whole lot more could say the whole lot. i can feel joy the way a perfect sunset brings joy in the midst of profound sadness that only sunsets can bring and i can feel profound sadness amidst the happiest day in the world. now tell me, am i crazy or am i alive? or are they the same?

ok, i guess it's been a pretty long time since i last blogged here. well, i've been moving around alot i guess. first, i was moving around germany as part of a course in school. then, i moved on to czech and hungary. and after that, new jersey, where i am now. it's been almost 2 weeks that i've been here in wildwood, new jersey. and i'm here working in a theme park called moreys piers. well, what can i say? i mean, the past month has resulted in ALOT of things worth blogging about. so much randomness and spontaneity and risks and adventures. so many lessons learnt. so many people i've met, friends i've come to know. you get the idea...i might talk about those times another time.

but for now, i will be blogging here most of the time. that's the blog melt and i created to last us our stay and travels here in the states till we get back to singapore. but melt is so lazy, she's not postin anything! might come back here sometimes when i feel like it though...later!

so exam week so aptly fell right smack onto holy week, and what do you know? my very own walk down calvary. and aptly so, i finally break free from the reins of exams on saturday morning. funnily, it's business processes, my cross for almost every monday night of the term!! (long story). and on saturday night, i will celebrate the easter vigil mass. and it'll be kind of like a resurrection for me too.

this whole period of lent. wow. really zoomed by just like that. sundays during lent, i'm sitting in church. it's the 1st sunday of lent. and suddenly it's the 5th. then suddenly, palm sunday comes and we're all holding up our palms (as in the leaves, the really poky ones) and kids are poking their parents and siblings with them and lent is over. just like that.

yet, as i look back over these weeks of lent, so much has happened, within and without. and it's amazing how it all happened in like what, 6 weeks?? how a prayer answered turned my world upside down and left me feeling almost totally deserted at some point and then, soon enough set my heart burning more than it ever did before. yes, in a way, it was my own 40 days in a desert. my own journey like the shepherd boy in the alchemist. the desert...has always fascinated me. how something so barren can enrich and nourish the soul. have you ever seen a desert? for real? i think i mentioned before that i once did. from the plane. and i was totally in awe. because seeing it from that level allowed me to see just how vast and bare it was. it was an awesome sight. like a golden ocean that stretched forever. i could see no beginning and no end. i'm learning to appreciate the beauty of the deserts in my life. there is nothing there, and yet it is ALL there.

so straight after this period of recharging my ammo and this whole process of discovery begins another. again, so apt. a new adventure if i may call it so. next wednesday, i leave for germany. and then, the states. that's 4 months away from home! and my whole summer vacation! i am scared, excited, sad, relieved, stressed, happy, apprehensive, curious, one helluva rojak inside! oh, all the things i have to pack!!!

you know, when i was young, and when we said all those "when we grow up things", i said i wanted to be an adventurer. when i made my brothers act in little skits we put up for fun, i always played the adventurer. shireen the adventurer. i guess i never left that behind. and now i'm 21, an adult so they say, but i'm still shireen the adventurer. and everyday, is nothing short of an adventure. some people ask me how's my day. and if you really got me talking, it's hard fo me to tell you it was just great or ok. so much goes on in a day, in me, around me. by the end of each day, i'm full of stories to tell, as though i just came back from some long expedition. everything has the power to inspire, to speak to me and touch something in me. especially when i let my heart be open. she told me, that my heart, my mind, my life were flowers, all the same one flower. she told me to let it open and see how beautiful it was. i recall that message from time to time and everytime i recall it, i learn something new because of all that has gone on in between.

today, i got home and they said i had a parcel. i was sooooo happy. i love it when i get mail. except that i hardly ever do! except for bank statements. and well this time, i didn't just get a postcard or one of those. i got a parcel!!
all the way from japan! thanks (japan) adrian!! i will not throw away the parcel wrapper for sure!!

ok i want to go on and on and on because my mind is so alive now and i want to talk about everything! but it's 346am and a little (not that little maybe) chimpanzee-by-day-werewolf-by-night might end up looking like a panda because of me if i don't sleep now!

so.......i won't hold these thoughts. i'll let them go for now. but should they ever come again...

so goodnight, world! :)

i was at the stations of the cross yesterday. a few things struck me...

usually, a feeling of weariness and impatience creep over me even before the stations begin. i just think about all the kneeling and the standing that is to come and how it is not just one but FOURTEEN stations i have to go through. i think about the seeming dreariness of it all and what i'll be doing after that as a reward for going through it. something like the feeling i used to have before netball trainings, just that the only difference was, for stations, i still WANTED to go back. i wanted to go back not because anyone forced me to or i felt obligated to. i want to go back...only because i am in love.

and there i am, sheltered from the rain in an air-conditioned church. the bright lights above illuminate our little stations books so that we read out his passion. cushioned pews make kneeling slightly more merciful. and for 30 minutes, just 30 minutes, i relive his passion, trying to see what he saw, what he heard, how he felt...what they saw, what they heard, how they felt. except that, i was not the one who felt the stinging blows of the cruel whip, who wore that crown of thorns,who carried that cross, who fell three times, who sipped the vinegar, who spilled crimson as the nails tore into flesh and bone. no, i was not the one who hung there, stripped and emptied. what is my tiredness? what is my feeling of dread?

and i think to myself. what if i were there then? would i have shook my head sadly as i looked at that man with those crazed eyes, burning like fire? would i have been one of those who said, "ah, poor, crazy man. he was a nice guy. if only someone had talked him into his senses. all these son of god stories. ah, what a crazy world"? and then, would i have just walked on home, be sad for a while about the state of things in the world outside, and then just gone on with life, tending to my sheep or drawing water from a well? the way i do when i watch CNN and get greeted by statistics about fatalities of a bomb explosion in iraq?

or would i have followed this man, with those eyes burning like fire, even unto the folly of the cross?

it was one helluva gamble he took. who would have taken him seriously? would i have? are you kidding? what a crazy thing he said! what a crazy thing he did! things! but...i have fallen in love nevertheless. he loved me first, even before i knew him.

and this love, it defies all reason. reason is only as far as i can see. it limits life, and my view of it. love is infinite and has no boundaries.

i look upon the love of my parents for me and how they knew and loved me even before i saw their faces in my human form. how they were with me, whether i was bathing in the glory of my successes or rolling in the mud of my defeats. and there, i see how he has loved me.

a boy looks at a girl and feels her eyes connect to everything in him and his heartbeat falls into a beautiful and chaotic rhythm. and there, i feel his infinite power and love in his one infinite gaze.

a man dies on a cross for someone who doesn't even care. oh, the folly of that cross. and there, i see how love has conquered death and all logic.

birds do it, bees do it,
even educated fleas do it,
lets do it, lets fall in love!

because we can't help but fall in love. so stop trying to resist! hee. =)

the smallest things can trigger memories of ancient times. ok, maybe not ancient, considering i'm just shy of turning 21.

small things, like taking a walk in a familiar park i used to frequent with my family when i was younger. bishan park. on weekends, we'd go there. my brother/s and i would try to outbeat each other and be the "leader" on our 4-wheel bikes, which we would spend time choosing carefully at the bicycle kiosk. and we'd make stopovers at the 2 different playgrounds and when we ended our journey and reached the bicycle kiosk, we would wait there for papa to finish his jog. and then, i also recalled the time when papa first taught us how to ride a 2-wheel bike. i remember the adrenaline rush and the fear. but most of all, i remember how he ran alongside us, holding on to the bike, sweating like mad but determined that we ride that bike. i wonder how he felt when he first saw me ride that bike without him having to hold on to it. i know that after that, riding a bicycle was never the same again. it was a whole new experience, one that was worth every fall and drop of fear.

you know, small things, little things like drinking this bottle of lime juice now. not just any lime juice but "RIPE" lime juice (RIPE is a brand by the way). it brought me back to those evenings when i'd just suddenly decide i wanted to go for a run. and just like that, i'd get off the couch or away from the window i was staring out from for the past hour, change into some running attire, put on my shoes, stretch a bit and be on my way. i didn't run for health reasons, though it may have been a side-effect. i ran because i wanted to, because i needed something to hit me and wake me up, something to make me feel alive. the aches, the panting, the sweat, the mental and physical agony. i wasn't sure where i would run to but i knew i would get somewhere. i'd take my buscard along with me in case i ran too far or got lost or injured. sometimes i just put a few coins in my shoe or in my shorts pocket. and when i thought i had run far enough, i would usually take a very slow walk back, looking at life and all the living going on around me as the day drew to a close and the sun was setting. and the lime juice. i'd usually run various long-winded, exciting routes that ultimately brought me to serangoon gardens. and when i reached, i would buy RIPE lime juice from NTUC or Shell's Select and savour it as i walked back home. you can't imagine how good RIPE's lime juice tasted at those points in time. like little drops of heaven to my parched mouth. but that whole experience of the run, the walk, the lime juice, the thoughts, the things i saw, the things i heard, the tiredness, the exhiliration, the....they were like drops of heaven to my parched soul then...funny how a sip of lime juice can rekindle so strongly those days. i'd still like to do it again sometime.

and as i started this post, funny how a familiar song in a foreign language started playing from my media player...

vaase to
ghade ye bargam
pishe to
razi be margam

...bringing back soooooo many beautiful memories, but mostly in the form of words, cos that's really all that kept it alive, whatever it was. will there be just one more word? or was that the last? i really don't know.

it was the last day of lessons for the term today and we were the last group to present in class. it's not over yet though. there are still at least 3 reports to complete and there are the exams coming up. and immediately after, i'll be leaving on a jet plane. my bed at home will not be slept on for about 4 months as i hop from place to place...germany, czech, hungary, US. it all seems like such a blur now. this sunday's party will go by as fast as it comes. the study break will come and go. then holy week will arrive, bringing with it the agony and excitement of exams and 3 days later, i'll be watching the street lights of singapore shrink to little specks and disappear as the plane carries me away. i can't deny i feel a bit sad because i have been recently overwhelmed with a wave of love for all the people in my life, old and new. but i am thankful, always thankful. and i would rather leave drenched with this love than the lack of it. i will carry it with me and i hope i never forget it or leave it behind.

this term has been amazing, nothing short of. with all my heart, thank you.

I'll lose some sales and my boss won't be happy
but I can't stop listening to the sound
of two soft voices blended in perfection
from the reels of this record that I've found

every day there's a boy in the mirror asking me:
what are you doing here?
finding all my previous motives growing increasingly unclear

I've traveled far and I've burned all the bridges
I believed as soon as I hit land
all the other options held before me
would wither in the light of my plan

so I'll lose some sales and my boss won't be happy
but there's only one thing on my mind
searching boxes underneath the counter
on a chance that on a tape I'd find

a song for someone who needs somewhere to long for
homesick because I no longer know where home is

-Homesick, Kings of Convenience

just got back from the kings of convenience concert, dinner, a chat, a drive and some quiet time at the ado.

the lone drive home with a familiar song (not the one above) being resurrected through the speakers made my mind drift off to another place and another time. i paused to wonder for a while, but a voice said, drive on. i drove on. but the thoughts darted furiously nevertheless. patience, have faith, it said again. and i told myself to breathe.

i hope you are ok. if not, you know what to do...

love may be severe, but never cruel...i think these are the words i've been searching for these past few days. too many times, i do not where to draw the line. i think i am being kind but i confuse "niceness" with "kindness". i'm sorry if i've patronised anyone. i'm sorry if i said yes to anyone with skewed intentions. i really am.

a familiar restlessness stirs in me again telling me that in spite of all the late nights of sharing that's been going on and all the time i've spent in church, i still seem to be kind of missing the point. i don't think i'm being too hard on myself, maybe too soft even.

is it because i have become lukewarm? i can't bear to be lukewarm. the more stagnant these waters become, the more torrential the rains become inside.

moments of inspiration burst forth like lightning, enlightening and lightening. but as fast as lightning fades, so do they. but to leave a scar on my heart forever, lightning must pierce it. it may singe initially, but i know it's worth it. love may be severe, but never cruel.

it feels like i'm trying to win back something i keep losing. i don't know why i need to do that. i don't even want those things. but i am proud and weak. sometimes, i allow desire to get the better of me and i create and play games where i feel the need to win, just so that i will not feel so lousy about myself. i am scared of losing again but why should i be when there was no game to play in the first place? and the games i lost were the ones i created anyway. the real game is in fighting the urge to create these games and play them (i think that is what i'm trying to fight so hard right now). yet, i create them as though i were giving myself another chance to win. like a compulsive gambler who doesn't know when to stop, thinking to himself, just one more, give me just one more shot, this might be the one i win! and who knows whether he'll treasure his winnings or not. he just needs to know that he wasn't that unlucky, that life wasn't at odds with him, that even he had a shot. but it's not going to stop, it's not going to stop till i wise up (thanks miss aimee mann). i will keep fighting and keep losing, keep fighting and keep losing, again and again, until i learn, until this lesson pierces my heart (and not just my thoughts); that i don't have to play that game and i don't have to prove that i am not lousy and that i am worthy. it will never stop until these words are engraved deep into my heart and not just rolling freely from the tip of my tongue or fingers....

"i may be able to speak the languages of human beings and even of angels, but if i have no love, my speech is more than a noisy gong or a clanging bell. i may have the gift of inspired preaching; i may have all knowledge and understand all secrets; i may have the faith needed to move mountains - but if i have no love, i am nothing. i may give away everything i have, and even give up my body to be burned - but if i have no love, this does me no good.

love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. love never gives up; and its faith, hope and patience never fail.

love is eternal. there are inspired messages but they are temporary; there are gifts of speaking in strange tongues, but they will cease; there is knowledge, but it will pass. for our gifts of knowledge and of inspired messages are partial; but when what is perfect comes, then what is partial will disappear.

when i was a child, my speech, feelings and thinking were all those of a child; now that i am an adult, i have no more use for childish ways. what we see now is like a dim image in a mirror; then we shall see face-to-face. what i know now is only partial; then it will be complete - as complete as god's knowledge of me.

meanwhile, these three remain; faith, hope and love; and the greatest of these is love."

wow, i was merely thinking about how love is not jealous or proud or conceited (the way i feel so tempted to be these days and yet have the nerve to think i am not) and thought about this passage. and as i was typing it out, every line captured perfectly the thoughts darting fast and furiously in my mind these past few weeks. the restlessness that stirs from the nothingness of my being where love is lacking. the selfish pride that consumes me at times. even the blissful thoughts i described to be like lightning, only temporary. the partiality of all i know or want to know. and yet, possessing the hope that stems from my conviction that all that is hidden will be revealed.

i'm not sad but i sense a nudge, or a tug on my sleeve prompting me to tense my muscles that are slackening. it usually comes in the form of this restlessness and i am always thankful for these moments.

but it doesn't end there. how can one not be in awe? how can one not be touched? as i was typing the previous paragraph, i suddenly remembered something i had read in one of my currently overdue library books, "manual of the warrior of light" by paulo coelho. and as i was randomly flipping through the book looking for the line i wanted to recall, every single page i randomly flipped to seemed to reflect everything i was thinking and/or typing here, in the exact words as they were in my head. and i am filled with a certain conviction that my prayers never go unheard no matter how small and trivial or how dramatic and complicated and that my questions will all be answered in time. we can hear this voice of love, speaking through us through all of creation for what is creation but an act of love.

i could go on and on, i really could! where could i run where i cannot feel your love? don't let me start with the miracle of the taxi this morning where with a really doubtful heart, i prayed against all odds and the peak hour traffic and the unstrategic location i was waiting at, uttering only the first few words of my prayer before seeing a taxi suddenly swerve from the third to the first lane while approaching the traffic light in the distance and finally stop right infront of me without me hailing it. or about how you taught me, patiently and persistently, through all the moments of my life, leading to this moment, how to finally say no and find the courage to tell the truth. you had to be severe, but you remained faithful still. and the people, oh how you loved me through them and how you nourished me with that love to help me grow. some of them had to be the bad guys, and while it was a lesson in their own journeys, it was also one in mine. how ingenius! those eyes blazing like fire, your voice like a roaring waterfall...

"warriors of light always have a certain gleam in their eyes.

they are of thisworld, they are part of the lives of other people and they set out on their journey with no saddlebags and no sandals. they are often cowardly. they do not always make the right decisions.

they suffer over the most trivial things, they have mean thoughts and sometimes believe they are incapable of growing. they frequently deem themselves unworthy of any blessing or miracle.

they are not quite sure what they are doing here. they spend many sleepless nights, believing their lives have no meaning.

that is why they are warriors of light. because they make mistakes. because they ask themselves questions. because they are looking for a reason - and they are sure to find it."

i think we are all called to be warriors of light. i am constantly searching, i get tired and restless, i fight many battles day in day out, dark rings form under my eyes, but there is a gleam in those very same eyes. i am hopeful always, i am rejoicing always. is it my way of lying to myself just to console myself? am i in denial? maybe, once upon a time, when i forgot everything. but now, i'm starting to remember.

and well, i think i should end this post for today. but before i do, this is my prayer. jars of clay, i hope you don't mind...

I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nail that still remains
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
Battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain,
And wash my feet and cleanse my pride
Take the selfish, take the weak,
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
My sin-soaked heart - make it yours
Take my world all apart,
Take it now, take it now
And serve the ones that I despise
Speak the words I can't deny
Watch the world I used to love
Fall to dust and blow away
I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nail that still remains
Steal my heart and take the pain
Take the selfish, take the weak
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
Take my world apart
Take my world apart
And I pray, and I pray, and I pray
Take my world apart
Worlds apart

-Worlds Apart, Jars of Clay

well, well, i was just about to start this post after a sudden burst of inspiration which came forth from the 4 walls of my tv set and was all set to start typing when....

when i heard that familiar and heart-stopping noise. the sound of a beetle and if you know me, you'll know that i can't sleep knowing there's a beetle in my room because i mean, what if it makes a temporary home in my hair while i sleep? and the sound it makes, oh i can't begin to describe how it makes me feel. ihwejkjrekfb!!!! so i devised all sorts of plans to get it out..i rolled up balls of paper, and got myself into my ready stance, one hand holding the crushed up paper aimed at the beetle and the other on the light switch (i had already switched on the lights outside). i focused and with bated breath, i said "chaaarge!" in my mind and threw the paper at the beetle, switched off my room light and ran outside...but, the stupid beetle didn't move!!!! from being scared, i became bewildered instead. what a lazy beetle!!! so i repeeated my tactic a few more times, and still the beetle was unfazed. i finally decided it was time to use the cat stuffed-toy. i said a little prayer and with a sweep of the cat against the wall, i switched off the light again and ran outside. but i heard no sound, no beetle making awful beetle noises. no beetle flying out towards the light...so i peeked inside, all the while praying the beetle would not suddenly fly straight into my nose or something. and, the beetle was gone from the wall. but that made me worried because now i had no idea where it was....so i went back into the room and switched on the light and saw that, it had landed right next to where i was standing outside!!!! after a momentary gulp, it was time for the next move. to make sure the beetle didn't crawl back under my room door and also, i had to switch off the light outside. so mr. cat to the rescue again. i swept the beetle away with the cat, watching it slide just a few cm forward on the floor, sprinted to the light switch across my room for the lights outside, then raced back into my room without ever turning back. and only when i shut my door did i breathe a sigh of relief! turehjglkgedgfkldlm,fs!!!!

so anyway. this wasn't the reason why i turned on my com. as i said, i was inspired. i was having my dinner just now after returning from school (1 plus am mind you, but that was my doing...so..well..)and i was desiring the company of a good tv program for my stoned out mind but there was nothing good to watch! and then i switched to national geographic and saw that the title of the documentary was "dehli in flames". the title alone was enough to interest me considering i had just been to dehli only 2 months ago but watching the way the firefighters had to deal with all the different situations in dehli left me transfixed for that half an hour or so. the way they had to battle the heavy (CRAZY) dehli traffic (it's no joke i tell you, and even the fire engines meet with accidents themselves!), search every nook and corner of the dehli train station and trains and the thousands of people there (that's also no joke!) when alerted of a bomb threat only to find that there is none and zoom off to the next scene of fire. and the way they had to go deep into buildings in extreme conditions to trace the source of fires and put them out from inside. and slums, the slums are the worst! paths not big enough for a fire-engine to pass through, hazardous flammable materials covering every surface, fire-traps in every corner, people uneducated about how their actions can lead to fires...and it's usually these places that experience the worst devastation when it comes to fires. and these firemen have seen it all first-hand and they know how merciless the fires can be then. so their best defence or offence is prevention and they walk through these slums educating the people and advicing them and pointing out to them what they should replace or change to prevent fires. their depth of wisdom concerning fires were really amazing. these firemen work 24-hour shifts on alternate days of the week, do yoga together about once a week or so, go through intensive training...simply amazing. what's more is that they don't even have the best equipment to fight fires especially in a place like dehli but they are amazingly resourceful and courageous and i guess, i'm just...inspired!

and also, really sleepy. night!! =)