i feel like i am walking in a daze these days. because i'm trying not to think for fear of "thinking too much." because i find that no matter what people say and do to me, i cannot run away from the voices in my head, and the only way i can, is to just stop thinking. because i'm so afraid that what those voices tell me are true. and i hate being in this state because it feels like i'm not really living.

my mom was telling me about my little nephew in australia today after having a phone conversation with his mom, my cousin. i was so amused by all the really mischievous and chaotic things he did. and how he would give a cheeky smile after it all. i felt a great sense of admiration for this little toddler who ran around in only his pampers half the time and gave only a few-toothed grin most of the time. i felt he was really living, much more than me at least.

the only thing that's keeping me sane is hope, is faith that there is goodness and a better world. maybe some might call me foolish, but i just know it's there. i've seen glimpses of it, felt it. i just lost sight of it for now. my entries are following a fixed pattern these days huh? always starts with some kind of sob story, then it always ends with hope. because despite what i feel, i know life is not all doom and gloom. it can be beautiful and is.