i don't know. i mean, is it going to get easier? and is it all worth it? how will we ever know whether it is? and if it takes faith, what is this faith made up of? of what we want or what is? where is my faith and what do i build it upon? i don't know i don't know i don't know. silence is golden. gold is cold and hard and heartless. that's how this silence feels likes.

well, i know i am capable of forgetting. i know i am capable of walking away. i can do it in hours and even get used to it. i've done it. that's really not a problem. but why do i stay? now, that's what's most perplexing.

how did i ever become the girl i am now? how is it that i say and do all the foolish things that i say and do now? how is it that i dare to want what i want now? how did i ever get so rash and reckless? how....strange.

i need to get out of this mode. i need to get out of this rut. sometimes, it feels like i have and boy do i feel so free. then, suddenly, it feels like i've always been there. an idle mind is indeed the devil's workshop. oh be gone, you demons. who invited you here? me. how silly.

perhaps i should just get some sleep. put this day behind me. and when i awake later, it will be a brand new day and i'll start over and i won't vegetate and stagnate like i have today. i'll be somebody. i'll go somewhere.