"update your blog!!!" and so i am doing so now, phaemie. haha. but you must know, the only update this blog ever gives is just the present state of my thoughts. and even that is not very reliable for my thoughts are constantly changing and flowing like water, with no definite shape or form.

yay! i got the window seat! i'm sitting in the library right now. i don't know how it happened. i never used to sit in school libraries. i used to HATE staying back after school was over. i thought it was such a silly thing to do. i thought people who did such things were crazy and needed a life. but i seem to be finding myself here almost everyday, and in the same location. the cubicles on the 2nd floor. i really love this place and the time i spend here. it's when i can have my own quiet time and be absorbed in my own world, listening to music, surfing, reading, studying, whatever...and well, now, i got the seat right next to the window in the corner and i like it...

we were flying to italy and it was nighttime. everyone was sleeping. i arose from my slumber and sneaked a peek out of the window as i customary did from time to time because when you get the window seat, that's what you should do or you might as well not sit there at all. so i turned my head and pressed my nose against the window and i looked away. then i looked back outside again. so i really wasn't dreaming! we were literally surrounded by stars! millions! uncountable! the most i'd ever seen right infront of me for real! i sat there for a while, astounded and in awe of how such beauty can ever exist. i felt as though it was all for me. everyone was sleeping or watching their movies in the darkness and stillness of the night, and there was shireen with her whole face squashed against the window, her mind already wandering far from her aeroplane seat.

i had to tell someone. i had to tell the world! i woke my whole family up. blurry-eyed, disoriented and slightly irritated, i made each one of them go to the window and look outside and i know all who saw were left in awe and wonder of those things that were beyond what they could ever fathom.

we were returning from italy. i was watching some movie and it was day time, so i pulled down the shades to block out the reflection on my tv screen. but that's so NOT what a window-seated person should do! being knocked to my senses, i pulled up the shades and my first reaction was, "is it real?!!" below me, mountains and glaciers and snow and ice were stretched out in all directions and pretty much resembled what a vanilla ice cream planet covered in chocolate sauce would look like to me. again, i made my whole family get up and take a look.

the next time i peeked outside, i again had to ask myself whether i was seeing right. but by then, i should have been used to such surprises. far below was just plain desert, desert and more desert! i have never seen a desert in my life, besides on tv and in magazines, etc, etc. i never knew it was so beautiful. the folds and contours, the brilliance of the golden sand, the vastness of the desert to the extent you could not see where it started and ended just simply left me breathless and gasping for air.

sometimes when i'm in my room at home, i sit by the window and just stare outside, observing the people walking in my lane, the cars on the main road, the traffic lights changing colour, the clouds, the birds on the rooftops and antennas, the sunset sky, the moon when it's really late at night, the kids sneaking out of their houses, the couple walking their dog, the maids washing the cars. you get a room with a window with a view, you better look out of that damn window as often as you can. or else you might as well not live in it at all.

windows are meant to at least be looked out from, if not to be opened. our eyes, ears, sense of touch, our whole body are windows for our soul to "look" out from and for others to look into, to experience life in this form. we have to pull apart the curtains from time to time.....

right now, there's really nothing much happening outside my window though. there's still the same tree, the same beige building, the same sky though perhaps the clouds have shifted making way for others...but i still make sure i take a glance out regularly from time to time. that's what you do when you get the window seat.you don't want to miss a thing....

for some time, i started to forget who i was. i started to stop seeing the beauty in me, only black holes filled with demons that would haunt me and others around me every second. i could not find anything redeeming about myself in your eyes. i felt myself just crumbling into nothingness infront of you as i tried desperately to find something to say, something to do, that would make you see i was worth it.

then i got tired and i stopped and took a look around, inside, outside. saw the mess i had left behind from some sort of sick self-mutilation with a foolish purpose behind it. realised how silly i was. no, actually, you didn't do anything to make me feel this way. i just kept feeling that i needed to prove something. then again, maybe if you had actually done something, it might have helped.

but it's ok. i don't hate myself anymore, even when i'm infront of you. i know that the fact i was born makes me worthy because nothing is a coincidence and god does not make mistakes. i am not angry and i don't hate you. i just got lost so much in you for a while that i forgot.

i don't really understand how these things work. i don't understand how alot of things work actually. but i'm trying to and i'm getting stronger and braver. and i don't fear you that much anymore and i want to know you more and love you....

***

you = people i used to be afraid of. sometimes, i just get so scared of people. i hate that feeling. fear is so crippling and so frustrating. there's so much love to give and it's frustrating cos it'll only ever remain inside because of fear, which is essentially the consequence of obsession with meaningless, irrational thoughts. i think i'm getting better...

***

i feel really good today. a certain sense of liberation. some days, my heart is heavy, filled with anxiety and worry. my mind is continuously troubled and i cannot see a happy ending. then all of a sudden, a thought springs into my mind and it makes everything else dissolve into nothingness. "what are you so afraid of? what do you fear? what IS there to fear?" and at once, a certain sense of calm and peace fills me. i don't know how to describe it well enough so you'd understand. it's like one moment you're falling helplessly in a whirlpool of life's complications, your heart beating with fear and anxiety as you anticipate the pain when you crash down at the bottom. then, suddenly, everything around you vanishes and it's all clear and calm. and instead of falling, you are now floating. you're being lifted up but you can't see by what or whom. you don't feel scared anymore. all you feel is pure bliss. it's just this sense of wonder and awe and complete trust. and you know you're a child again.

i look forward to these experiences in life. they're like random little pieces of heaven which occur when you least expect it them to. i know i can do this. i know i will get through it all.

today, no, not today, yesterday, a few hours ago, i was at a dinner which was held at my dad's friend's house. i don't know how but my brothers managed to get out of it, leaving me to do the dirty job of socialising. usually, my brothers and i just bunch up together at these things.

as expected, i went there surrounded by high-flying people who've all made it somewhere or a name for themselves. the children are all smart and confident and so are the children's friends. the adults were all talking about things i had no knowledge about nor was i interested in. so of course, i asked myself, what the hell was i doing there?

small talk scares me. to go through the whole process of repeating over and over again which school i'm in, what courses i'm doing, bla, bla, bla. i know that noone really cares. as long as they can escape the silence. and as i'm standing there, looking around and observing all these people, i realise that everyone is to some degree, awkward as well. i see them trying hard to think of a conversation topic or smiling excessively to make up for the deafening silence or looking at some imaginary person in the distance as though something were caught in their minds. and i thought to myself, how bizarre....

thus, i had come to a conclusion. that everyone was unsure and awkward and wary, some even shy. and that small talk did not interest them one bit. which thus led me to another conclusion. that being yourself and being honest is so important! what do i mean? i mean, we DON'T need to put up pretences and act because everyone is just as afraid.

i'm not saying that small talk is an entirely bad thing. however, i'm saying that we can be as vunerable and open as we can, unashamed of ourselves, when we are meeting new people. because that is the part that matters most. the part you take away with you to keep when you meet that new stranger for those 5 minutes in your life.

well, seems like that "tactic" worked. i didn't leave that party feeling lousy and out of place. i left it after having a good time and laughing and talking about things i love and remember, with people who were once strangers.

u see, we don't have to keep fighting. we don't have to keep proving things. we need to become little children, looking at everything in wonder and awe and trusting wholeheartedly that god knows what he's doing. yes, we're not meant to impress or judge but to wonder and marvel at everything that was the fruit of god's hands. and then, to embrace, accept and love it all.

days like the one before, i love them! they pull me out of my safety havens and broaden my circles and make me step back to admire everything and go "aaah". for a moment, i am falling without a parachute and my mind is racing and i feel as though i could die anytime. then it opens, and i know i will land on stable ground, and i do. the view is breathtaking and the experience fills up my senses and makes me feel so alive and in love!

did i forget to mention what an irrational thing worrying is? it is.

i've been thinking about death alot. not in a bad way though. in fact, it has made me wake up from this so-called sleepwalk through life. the all important question i ask myself all the time these days, "what if i were to die today?" and that puts everything in perspective.

my friends, life is that fragile. the waves just appeared from what seemed like nowhere and engulfed their lives in an instant. thousands of them. i wonder, did any of them know that they were going to breathe their last human breath that day?

if someone hurts you today, or makes you angry or hateful, especially someone you love, and you feel tempted to "make your point" or dwell in your black hole of emotions, just ask yourself, "what if i were to die today?" you'd realise that all this drama doesn't matter. i realised this and i also realised that i don't want to die a bitter and angry person. i want to die letting the people i love know just how much they are loved and how special they are. and thus comes the next all important question, "is it really worth it to be so angry? or miserable?" and it would snap me out of my "misery mode" and remove the blindfolds from my eyes.

so what does this mean? it means that we have to overcome fear, pride, vanity, even laziness. if you feel the urge to tell your mom just how beautiful she is but feel too afraid to let down that guard, ask yourself, "what if i died today?" and your ego wouldn't seem so important anymore.

it all boils down, again, to love, my friends. all that lasts and all that glitters, even until the last moment of this life, is love. i know that there is a time and season for everything. but i also know that love transcends all boundaries, be it time or space. it's human to fear, to feel angry and sad, to be jealous, but it's human to love too. and what a beautiful thing that is. so gentle and strong, it overcomes all, even death.

remember how we used to be told when young that honesty is the best policy? well, it really is no matter how scary and painful the truth is. a simple piece of knowledge can just change one's life forever, so it had better be true. how would you like to live your life knowing it was based on a lie? would true happiness be true if it was based on a lie? always search from the truth from all angles...

the truth really does set us free, from what i've learnt...

what on earth is she talking about today????

my finger is stained blue from holding the pilot pen too long without even realising it was leaking. after an 11hr plane ride, watching 4 movies and sampling many albums without catching 40, much less, a wink, i'm finally back home.

except that though it feels familiar and i know i'm home, i feel like a stranger. there's a nervousness i'm trying hard to shake off and i can't find the pieces to pick up from where i left them, like i was never even there. italy was beautiful. it was gorgeous and i couldn't ask for more. but at times, i longed for the familiar. and clung to the memories with a tinge of hope. i'm nervous now because i'm afraid that the memories are all i have and will remain as such. just memories.

like a new kid entering her new schoolbus on the way to her new school for the first time. but only this time, she kinda knows what to expect and so the excitement is partly replaced by fear.

i once met a marine biologist who travelled far and travelled wide and i envied her. i told her so and i told her about my dreams of travel and how my job would include lots of it in the future. and she had a distant look about her. she said that it was hard in a way because you never really get close with anyone. you make lots of friends, true...but they're all just fleeting moments. it only serves to amplify one's loneliness, especially at home.

ok, ok, sounds like i'm over-reacting. i haven't been away for even a month. i'm nervous and i'm just afraid of being disappointed and forgotten. i'm afraid of being disconnected. i want to run out and love everyone but at the same time, why am i suddenly so afraid of people?

the idealist in me believes this, though. that connections may take years to be formed but a moment is all it takes for some and can last an eternity. it's something deeper than our intellect and we will recognise it when it's there. and not even the oceans or the mountains or the stars in between will break it. it won't matter how far apart we are. the idealist in me believes in many beautiful ideals and believes they can all possibly exist. some people call them dreams. i believe it is a reality about to happen. the problem is, most of them seem to just remain as "realities about to happen." hope keeps me believing that i'm not kidding myself and reminds me to be patient. faith gives me such hope. take away my faith and i am nothing.

before i flew off to italy, i remember taking a nap one day. and i had a strange dream. i remember at one point, i had heard a familiar voice echoing in my house, ascending towards my room. i recognised it before i saw who it belonged to. in my dreams, i had opened my eyes and at my bedside was my little nephew from australia and i remember being in shock because noone told me they would be here.

surprise, surprise. i was in my room just now. my brother knocks on my door to tell me my cousin and her children are here( from australia). i don't believe him and as i walk downstairs, i hear the familiar laughter and i see my lil nephew ascending the stairs and as he reaches me, he starts showing off his new watch he got on the plane to me. they didn't even tell us they were coming! my, my, my dreams have taken on a prophetic quality about them.

i recognise this fear in me and accept it. now i must let it go. i must come to realise that every moment is new and unique and sacred and detach it from my past. i must be courageous and go forth into the world. i cannot let fear tie me down and suffocate all this love in me. take away my vanity and pride till only love remains. let it shine, let it shine....

i am here and the time is now.

ok today is the day for finishing unfinished business. it is the day for tying loose ends. it is not the day for prcrastination. and that is why i'm typing an entry today.

i'm flying off to italy in almost exactly 12 hours time and i feel like (as i've already mentioned to some people) it's my last day here on earth. i met a friend a few months ago. we were having lunch together, a bunch of us and i don't really know her very well. over lunch, we were exchanging really lame jokes and she wanted a list of them so i promised i would email her the list. it's been months and i haven't done so. but today, i got down to it and started. problem is, i can't remember the jokes! i can only remember one, my own...goes something like...

Why do cemeteries have fences????
Ans: Because people are just dying to get in.
Hair hair hair.

also, i met a missionary a few months ago too. she gave me her email and sent me an sms when she went back to new zealand. i promised i would email her and it's been months! and today, i finally did! (pat, pat on my back) i only met her once; i hope she still remembers me!

and well, another mail was due for quite a while too to another dear friend who knows who he is. and that's been done too. i do enjoy our email exchanges! =)

what else? what else? oh yes, playing my last game of tennis before i leave, visiting shivikaka in hospital (shivikaka, do take care! hope u'll be home soon to read this!!), going for my last weekday mass before i leave...blablabla.
(sorry to those who've heard/read this already!)

ok spending too much time on one unfinished business leaves less time for finishing another. so i have to end this entry...soon.

anyway, know how we always hear about how we should live everyday as though it was our last day here on earth? the reality of it just seems stronger today. not that i've ben diagnosed with a fatal disease or anything. for goodness sake, i'm just going on holiday for 12 days. but it feels good to know you did all you could while you could.

have a lovely day! ;)

sickness festers in secrets.

i was told it's not possible. but i want to reach the state where i won't have to hold any more secrets. why do secrets remain secrets? only because we are afraid to reveal them. does witholdding it give us some kind of power, make us feel less vulnerable?

well, i don't care if this sounds mad but it makes sense to me. only when i have no more secrets and am not afraid to reveal them will i have attained ultimate peace within myself. will i be vulnerable? of course. but the day i am not afraid to reveal these secrets is the day i will not be afraid of being vulnerable. and the freedom that comes with it will surpass all else. it's the day i have learnt to totally love and accept myself.

sickness festers in secrets. i just don't want to hide anymore, it's suffocating.

i've been pretty much cooped up at home though it's the holidays now. sheryl left for her sailing trip today. jac recited to me her whole schedule of tete-a-tetes with old friends in nice coffee places ( i don't drink coffee but i like hanging out in those places). another friend is resuming with driving lessons. another tells me how excited she is about her swimming session with her cousin. on and on and on. so you're wondering why am i stll cooping myself up at home?

i sprained my ankle last friday during a futsal competition in school. it was only the qualifying rounds. i had no school that day but had to rush down all the way only because of this. each round consisted 2 halves, each lasting 5 mins. we had only 2 games to play. during the second game, that's when it happened. i was going for a header, flying in the air, eyes on the ball when WHAM BAM BETCHA SAM i was knocked off my course of landing. a crick was heard as my left feet collided with the groud and i found myself rolling on the court, too traumatised to cry, breathing in and out like there was no tomorrow.

"oh my gosh! how's your head??"

"NOT MY HEAD, MY ANKLE!!!"

"oh man, did you hurt your head??"

"MY ANKLE, MY ANKLE!!"

"OH, her ankle!! ok,where's the ice??"

the team played again on monday and they got a 2nd overall. and i received a message asking me when i was free to collect my medal. haha.

i was very touched by the whole incident though. first of all, i was playing amongst a group of strangers. that day was the first time i had met my team. there were also a few people whom i had gotten to know the week before at women's soccer training. so many people were trying to help me, some i didn't even know at all. finally, when i had to get up to walk to the taxi, i found that i couldn't walk at all and ended up being carried! i didn't even get their names, all these people. but thank you, all of you! i appreciate it sooo much!

u know, spraining my ankle this time is very different. it's different from all the other times i've sprained my ankle/s. and believe me, i've sprained my ankle/s one time tooo many. i couldn't walk at all the whole weekend and had to use crutches. my room's on the third floor and everyday, i'd find myself hopping up and down 3 storeys on my right leg! but that's not why it's different. it was the fact that i was happy and finding the whole thing exciting and refreshing. yea, i was a bit pissed off in the beginning. but not for long.

u see, i realised that noone owed me anything. and yet, so many people came to my aid. be it holding the door open for me, risking back injury to carry me, getting me a piece of chicken wing, taking me to the sinseh....why? some might say people have their own agendas up their sleeves but what about those who'd only ever meet me once, which was the time they'd helped me? it's a beautiful experience. sometimes we wonder why this world is such a shithole. when i realised i'd sprained my ankle, i felt that way. but all i saw was more goodness that anything else.

also, i was filled with deep awe for the doctors who treated me. the sinseh (chinese physician) is psychic i tell you! i was just sooooo amazed!

another story. i was so afraid to walk for a while. everytime i wanted to, the pain would hit me hard and i'd be calling myself an idiot in all languages. after a while, i got so scared i didn't dare walk anymore. it was really tiring being on my right leg all the time. my armpits were seriously hurting from using the crutches. i was pretty much rolling around on my study chair most of the time. i felt so crippled but i didn't want to leave the comfort on not having to feel pain. then a thought occured to me. that it was possible i'd become the girl who never walked again...not because i could not but because i dared not. all because of a sprained ankle. the thought sounded awfully ridiculous and crazy to me, yet possible all at once.

oh gosh no, i thought to myself. that should never happen! and i took my first step and it hurt like mad but i managed to find a way to walk where it would not hurt too much. and i kept at it. then i realised, the more i walked, the less painful it became! it still hurts when i walk, right now as i type. but i know that pretty soon, i'll be walking freely again. even running and jumping for headers soon!

but what's the lesson here?? i learnt that many of us could possibly end up like the girl who would never walk again just because of a sprained ankle. we are so scared of the pain that comes from being separated from our crutches and wheelchairs and having to walk on our own two feet. the fear of the pain causes us to retreat to them. and everytime we want to try again, we're reminded of the fear and retreat again. till one day, we'd just never walk again. what crutches? what wheelchairs?

people who dive into one relationship after another looking for home, looking for security...people who fill themselves up with drugs, booze and nicotine and can't seem to live without them...people who are on a constant quest for money and power to feel a sense of worth...these are our crutches and our wheelchairs...

it will hurt when we start to walk. but it is the pain of separation. pretty soon, you find it no longer hurts that much. you find you're less crippled than when you first started out. you find that your fear has been turned into joy and love.

do you want your armpits to hurt forever or your right leg to grow bigger while your left turns flabby? or your ass to grow so heavy you'd never be able to get up again?? do you want to be crippled forever? you know what i mean. get up and walk. it takes faith and perseverance and patience.

"that was really good. but there's one thing i didn't like about it. too impatient!"

as the coach said that, i couldn't help but think that it was more than just about my soccer skills.

patience is a virtue is a gross understatement. we really underestimate the value of this virtue. faith, love and hope are the fruits of patience. when we are impatient, we jump of buildings, take drugs, divorce, kill, rape, fall into depression, run away from love....

there's too much for me to spill on the past few weeks so i'm just pouring out what's on my heart and in my mind at this present moment now. and i realise, like everything else, i have to accept this weakness in me before i can do anything about it. i gotta do something about it. i gotta stop running away...

it's not that life is stress-free. this week onwards, smu is gonna be such a killer. projects, assignments, presentations...pretty intimidating..

but somehow, i'm not anxious anymore. of course, there's that little bit of stress but that's healthy. in fact, these days, i just love being alive so much! if u ask me to tell u why, i'll probably explode. every moment is so awe-inspiring....god is a genius!

where do i begin?? i know how to end though. when you've only one breath left, use it to say "thank you". ever since i read that quote, i've held steadfast to it.

thank you, god!

p.s. i know this is a lousy update. but seriously...haha =P

i was walking back along the side of the field after walking sheryl to the bus-stop when i heard the loud "booms" which sounded like thunder and shifted my gaze to the sky far beyond and saw it illuminated. fireworks! but i couldn't see a single one.

i rushed to the end of the road but it didn't make a difference because my view was blocked by houses and more houses no matter how far i walked. "i'll be seeing you tomorrow," i said and turned around and walked home (i'm dragging my family to marina promenade tomorrow for the fireworks display). i love fireworks! one of the most beautiful inventions!

i'll be going to watch every one of the fireworks displays this month. my mom wants to go away for a holiday on national day but i said "NO!!!" because i don't want to miss the fireworks and she said that i can see it every year. but i told her that i might not live to see it next year and who knows? she scolded me for saying such a thing but added, "then you'll be seeing even bigger fireworks." she had a point.