i've never been so uptight about ANY exam in my life before. i've never drawn up a study plan for ANY exam in my life before. i've never started studying for ANY exam one month or more before it. for ANY exam until the one coming up ahead...PRELIMS.

maybe i didn't do all that before cos i was scared that if i studied too hard and still did badly, i'd be SORELY disappointed. but. i can't take chances now. i have to give it my all. i don't know where i'm gonna be at this time next year if i'm still breathing but i want to be somewhere. so i have to give it all i've got.

i don't want to give myself an excuse for screwing up, especially if i can help it. i know i hate choosing, but i hate feeling trapped even more. so i have to work hard so that i'll have more opportunities and choices at this time next year. so that i won't be stifled. so that i'll be able to get up and go. somewhere.

i'd fly above the trees
over the seas
in all degrees...

...to any where i please....

don't you just love a day riddled with good hearty laughs? don't you just love it when you can come home late and not have your mom smsing or ringing you every few secs? don't you just love a day which ends in pleasant surprises? don't you just love it when your friend willingly lends you a 7250 for a few days so you can take cute pictures of your doggie??

hey, today wasn't really the best day ever. 1st, i had to go to school on my own. my parents are out of town. yea, i know. some pple have to go to school by themselves everyday. but hey, i live an hour away or something. at least i had sheryl to give me a lift from her house bus-stop. haha. and i was so damn sleepy too! went to watch a movie last night and came home at nearly 12. ok yea dunno what i was thinking. finally slept at 2. i don't know why. so i was just falling asleep everywhere today. chem prac was as terrible as always. it's so demoralising.and i always cannot finish gp essays on time! and there's chem test tomorrow which i've to START studying for. and i'm feeling pretty anxious about SO MANY THINGS which i really don't want to be anxious about but can't help it. and there was a big moth in my room just now which brushed against my leg! aaargh!!

but hey, my day WAS riddled with good hearty laughs. i DID come home late without my mom smsing and ringing me every few secs. i DID receive some pleasant surprises in the evening. and i DID take some really cute pics of my doggie together with me using the 7250 my friend lent me. my uncle once sent me one of those cliched smses.

"if you have a hundred and one reasons to cry, find a million and one reasons to smile."

but why do i feel so anxious?

as the prelims draw nearer, it's starting to weigh down more on me. not the prelims, but the big question/s. what next? where to? and what the hell do i do with my life? it's really hard for me to make decisions cos the grass always seems so much greener on the other side. it seems like no matter which side i'm on, i'm always looking everywhere else except at where i am. maybe i should just enjoy the flowers where i am. but what if there were nicer ones some other where? get what i mean? and this "what ifs" have been speckling my life to a great extent, which usually just leaves me in stagnant water. yes, i've said it before. the perfect breeding ground for bloodsuckers.

so whenever i need to make a decision, even if it's just deciding which extra value meal to buy at macs, i pull my hair out over it. i mean, the doublecheese might be more worth it that the mcnuggets, right?

oh help. haha. SOMETIMES i wish i didn't have decisions to make and choices to choose from. it's just too much of a headache. but right now though, i choose to listen to some basketcase by green day. toodles!

do you have the time
to listen to me whine
about nothing and everything
all at once
i am one of those
melodramatic fools
neurotic to the bone
no doubt about it!!! ;)

Smack, crack, bushwhacked.
Tie another one to the racks, baby.

Hey kids, rock and roll.
Nobody tells you where to go, baby.

What if I ride? What if you walk?
What if you rock around the clock?
Tick-tock. Tick-tock.
What if you did? What if you walk?
What if you tried to get off, baby?

haven't heard this in a while. then, my dad played it in the car. an old REM song. drive. love it. michael stipe's voice is really good. finally listened to U2's zooropa after a long time! sounds really good. it's ingenious, isn't it? amazing, how we actually have this thing called music. and how we never seem to run out of tunes to sing and play. and how it can really penetrate into the core of your being.

let's face it. we don't need music like we need oxygen. we can survive 5, 10 mins without music, but we'd die without air. probably. and yet, God saw to it that we got that kick in life which we needed. he gave us music. how ingenious is that. to come up with music of all the things he could come up with. and now, i think, music is definitely oxygen for the soul. i fear the prospect of never being able to hear again. i don't know what i'd do.

so i really thank God for giving us the ability to make music and for blessing me the gift of hearing. i guess i could put up with all the nagging and the fights i have to hear with the consolation that i've got music as medicine for my ears.

Confusion never stops
Closing walls and ticking clocks
Gonna come back and take you home
I could not stop but you now know, singin'

Come out upon my seas,
Curse missed opportunities
Am I a part of the cure
Or am I part of the disease, singin'

love that song. clocks by coldplay. but hey, don't you think the last part sounds very U2? the "nothing else compares" part?

the meeting ended really late last night. and frankly, i felt it was a great mistake going to school today. spent the day in a sleepy state of mind. physics prac was more screwed up than it usually is. 4 periods of lecture in lt1 is a real butt-killer, and a sure way of freezing to death. i couldn't even hold my pen or turn my lecture notes by the 4th lecture period! and the 3 free blocks i thought i'd use to study...i fell asleep. but i guess that's ok. i survived!

anyway, i went to meet delaine(laney) after school. one of my really good friends who went overseas to study. and made a new friend as well. was interesting, really, to see how different the teen culture in singapore is compared to that in london. they're so havoc! haha. i sometimes wonder what i'd be like if i went overseas to study. would i join in and become part of the local culture? or would i sorely stick out like a sore thumb or hide in a little corner? what would i do?? i've yet to find out....

the busride back home was a killer. the jam was horrible. i took a nap.

oh no i've just realised something. the purpose of my blog isn't really to summarise what i've done everyday. but to type out my thoughts and feelings about stuff. but reading too much of other pple's blogs, i've sub-consciously been changing my blogging-style. how easily i waver! haha.

ok i'll get back on track soon. right now, i'm too sleepy to do anything about it. no biggie. have a nice day =)

i am super super super HAPPY! haha. being swaku really elevates one's elated state of being sometimes. alot of times.

i only found out today that the poolside cafe sells jap food and has sofas!! haha cos i've hardly been to that vicinity of my school for a long time, you know..the sports complex? haha. it was nice wasting my free blocks there. didn't seem so wasted after all. but i ate alot, maybe too much. unagi...mmmmm....the creatures i recently dreamt of, with rice and mushroom and stuff. was pretty good. though i wish there was cold soba noodles. yum. also shared spicy chicken drumlets with jac. she drowned our fries in a dead sea of salt when she said she'd only add..a little. clever girl, jac. that was the first wonderful revelation. the second was music to my ears.

haha. well, for MONTHS since the beginning of the year, thursdays have been really shitty. lessons until 11.40am. FOUR FREE BLOCKS. then one stupid physics tutorial, not always productive, after which we finally get dismissed at 3. BUT NOW, our phys is at ONE so we get dismissed at ONE FORTY. oh mama, life is sweeeeeeet. actually i came home straight after school to do work. ahem. shireen, why are you here? got to go for a meeting at 8.30. gonna miss CHEMISTRY, the series. yes i do watch that shit. haha.

yesterday was a great day too. short school day. went to play tennis immediately after school. it was one of my better games and it was really fun. though sheryl tay and mr ray hit a couple of home runs haha. and the monfort sec boys who came to train were laughing at us what the hell. bugger off haha. well, the weather was so tempremental. it was blazing hot one minute, pouring the next. the rain was so refreshing! so anyway, we gathered round the vending machine and there was this drink called "MYSTERY DRINK" haha. curious, we decided to try our luck. first drink, mirinda cherry. quite safe. so we decided to try again, with my money of course. SOME STUPID BLACK SOY WHATEVER DRINK with a smell that i'll never forgot. mr ray drank it all up! gross. stupid mystery drink. moral of the story. always use your friend's money when you want to try a mystery drink.

after that, we went to the chen su lan methodist children's home to check it out cos we've been thinking of volunteering there. however, due to our impending dooms (exams), we couldn't commit entirely to the prog. so we're not doing com service there. BUT, it was nevertheless, a visit unwasted. learnt alot of stuff. and finally got a chance to look around and observe the home and the children, the home i've been jogging past ever so often, hidden in the outskirts of serangoon gardens. so well, we had dinner after that and hung around a bit. then headed home in time to watch true courage cos my friend was appearing on it and i missed it the first time. daryl lim. his mom is gladys lim, the lady who was in ICU for 53 days and who woke up on easter. amazing. miracles.

zixiang, read your blog. i'll link you, and alot of other pple, when my brother gets down to it. haha. just reminded me that i still have one more gp essay to write too!! what priorities would you advise a 21-year-old to have in life? i couldn't choose anything else. damn. i took 4 days to write the 1st one!

actually i wanna say alot of other things that are probably more worth mentioning than whatever else i've typed out for this entry. but time's slipping through my fingers, so another time! tata!

a whole weekend and a monday has passed. i reserved today for work and revision, more like for sleeping and eating and watching tv. but hey, some good came out of it...watching tv, that is.

some of you might not know this but...i watch alot of oprah on starworld, every weekday at 1pm. during the hols or on self-declared hols at least. hey, it's not as bad as those freaks(pardon me) who are hooked onto days of our lives! ANYWAY, today's show was on miraculous coincidences, or rather, DIVINE INTERVENTION. spectacular! there were so many stories. maybe i'll just share a few.

there was this pregnant lady who woke up one day with great pains in her womb. she immediately felt as though something was terribly wrong and her mom rushed her down to the hospital. there, her baby was delivered, dead. no breathing, no pulse, just dead dead. frantic, the doctors tried resuscitating the baby girl but to no avail. for half an hour at least. with all hope lost, they let the mother carry the baby girl in her arms to bid her last goodbyes. the mother then asked for the baby to be baptised and was holding her in her arms, saying her goodbyes when suddenly, the baby just gasped for air!! 65 min after dying, the baby literally returned to life! but that wasn't the end of the story. the baby was found to be severely brain-damaged. no sense of touch, nothing. and so they decided to take her off life support. she wasn't responding to the sense of touch and whatnot. then, she suddenly grabbed hold of someone's finger and she was able to suck from her milk bottle. she was coming back as a perfectly normal child! from being dead to being pronounced severely brain-damaged to growing up as a perfectly healthy child. she's 3 years old now. she's a miracle from above.

another story. this guy had been looking for his birth parents for 20 years. he was given up for adoption. when his adopted parents died, he started really looking for the birth parents for 7 years but to no avail, after which he stopped. he decided to move on. even got himself a new job. at his new job, he went to a nearby food outlet at a nearby walmart 3 times a week at least cos he was really fond of the food there. there was always a lady at the counter who was always very friendly and loving to him.

so anyway, one day, he decided to just key in the name of his mother again and search for her on the internet. and lo and behold, he actually got a match. so he sent an online msg to her but it was his sister to had received the message, a sister who never knew he existed. so, she called him up and they started talking. and guess what she told him!

his birth mom had been working in that walmart he went to for lunch for a couple of years now and she worked at the counter of the food outlet there! the same woman who had been serving his lunch 3 times a week for 2 years was actually his very own mom! wonderful how God works isn't it? he decided to stop searching and move on with his life. but God didn't give up. he was led directly to his mom instead. and he just never knew.

there were so many other stories. everyday examples of miracles. we pray for things for so long and sometimes wonder why they never turn out the way we want to or why they never happen at all but hey. God works in his own time, mate. and if we let him do his thang, we can see that the outcomes are beyond what we've ever imagined, better than what we even dreamed off. sometimes, all we really need is just need is a little bit of faith. that's all.

i've said it before and i'll say it again. there really is some good in tv.

i finally stepped into the esplanade concert hall today. more importantly, i finally saw the pipe organ. went there for a pipe organ recital cos it was free admission. an acjc girl was one of the 3 playing by the way. i was awestruck! it was such a sacred sight. all those beautiful pipes with music echoing from them and around the hall. brought to life by the fingers and the feet of the organist. the organists played facing the pipes, with their backs to the audience. it strongly reminded me of the way mass was said in the past, the priests facing the altar with their backs to the congregation. likewise, with no intention of blaspheming here, the organist offered up the musical notes to the pipes, the grand altar infront, his(her) back facing the audience. this rather added on to the sacred effect. however, if i come tothink about it now, the whole thing seemed rather peculiar and amusing.

i fell asleep at many a times though. the organ pieces were lulling me into a deep slumber; what with it being a sunday afternoon and a readily available comfortable chair and lack of sleep from the nightS before.

whatever it is, i have yet another dream. i dream of playing on that oragan one day. it's gorgeous. and i don't care whether it's to give a performance or just to fool around by some pretty good luck. i just know that i long to run my fingers on the keys and trot on the pedals and admire the magnificent sounds produced from a few gentle touches.

speaking about dreams, i dreamt about eels the other day. in this dream, i was on my way home to get dressed for someone's wedding. not sure whether it was mine or not. next thing i know, i was in some really snenic place. felt like china or mongolia though there was really no way to tell. i just knew. next thing i know, i was at the edge of some lake or pond or something and staring into it, with my feet in the water. i saw something but couldn't make out what it was. as it started becoming more defined, i realised it was an eel but i didn't bother to move away. but when it touched me, i panicked and tried to move away but it started coiling itself around my legs and worked its way up, coiling around the rest of my body. then, i saw another eel emerging from the water and slithering over to me. it seemed like these two eels had a certain bond with each other and could never part. what one did, the other would do.

then somehow, someone came along and told me to shake alot as shaking would scare the eel away. i was scared to at first. but decided to follow his advice. i started shaking and shaking as though i was possessed. the eel uncolied itself and quickly slithered away back into the water. the other eel followed suit naturally. the two eels would never dream of parting.

well i can't remember what happened after that. does this mean anything? well, i thought of something. i used to watch alot of the little mermaid when i was young and there were 2 eels in it. then quite recently, i was reading harry potter and something coiled around someone and lets see. my cousin's getting married next year. and earlier in the day, i did watch a movie with scenic backgrounds except that i don't remember seeing any gigantic lakes like i saw in my dream. so maybe, everything became rojak in my mind? past movies, current events, familiar stories and past dreams all rolled into one?

oh and that movie with the scenic background...it's called mr. and mrs. iyer. it's set in india but the script is mostly english. really interesting. it touched on the issues of caste system and religious animosity in india which makes india as segregated as it is. it touched on other things as well. fear, love, sacrifice, priorities,basic human kindness. at the beginning of the movie, there was a verse that was quoted and it really struck me. i can't quote it word for word for memory fails me. but it's something like this:

"where shall i wield my knife?
from what shall i take it out of
or plunge it into?
for you are the whole world my lord"

makes sense to me.

i was at borders on friday, before meeting with a bunch of old pals to watch the three sexy angels kick ass and show how stupid guys are! haha. (lucky shoutouts are closed for maintenance) anyway, at borders, i picked up some trashy funny novel that i wanted to read but just couldn't find a damn sofa anywhere! (do you know that tagboard bans the word "damn"?) so anyway, i finally found a space on a bench at the photography/art section which i don't usually go to. but as i sat down there, a book caught my eye...two actually. photography books. one on love. one on family. yea know what you're thinking. soppy, mushy stuff yuck. well...you are...RIGHT! haha. cos some pictures really turned me into mush. and i never got down to reading that stupid trashy novel haha.

some quotes i liked. i can't put the pictures up here sorry. go look out for them if u're lucky enough to find those books.

also, just found my tom mcrae songs again and started listening to them. blogged abt his songs last time. go check them out. or ask me for reccos if u want. i'll leave you with some of those quotes...meanwhile, have a nice day. =)

Children's faces looking up, holding wonder like a cup. - Sara Teasdale

There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread, but there are many more dying for a little love. - Mother Teresa

wow. i've been talking so much! just talking and talking and talking and tal...

stayed over at sheryl's after tuition yesterday. we went for supper and only came back to her place at..3? yea we were just talking and talking and talking and tal...decided we should leave gardens and start heading back ard 2 and we decided to walk all the way to her house. pretty nice walk.long walk. so we did more talking and talking and talking and tal...and when we reached her place we decided to cook our own instant noodles...mmmm...ramen! it was (shameful, shameful) our first time cooking our own instant noodles. yes i always prepare my own cup noodles. but this is different! it required alot of teamwork mind you! finally went to sleep at 5. and that's how my nights have been the rest of the week. earliest i've slept this week..3? seems to be hittin alot of pple too.

anyway after sheryl's, met my godma for tea today and got down to more talking and talking and talking and tal...and then i walked up to church and met some friends as well and there was more yea u guessed it. talking.

maybe that's why i'm so thirsty today. but they were all fantastic conversations. they say silence is golden. they say people shouldn't talk too much. i say a good conversation is priceless.

OH DEAR GOD PLEASE HELP ME!

i'm doing a gp essay now. i'm supposed to pick from a choice of 11 topics. so i picked, "Do you agree that copyright laws make life BETTER for everyone?" and i wrote the introduction, on what a copyright is. i'm trying to research on how drug patents have brought about negative consequences on third-world countries now. i need concrete evidence! why am i making so much effort? cos i really can't stand to see those sucky gp grades vandalising my essays anymore! but i just can't concentrate. and i'm getting drowsy with boredom. it's only a gp essay.

i really hate making decisions. what clothes to wear. what gp essay topic to write on. where i should hail a taxi from. which shampoo to buy. which event to go for. what food to choose from the menu. what to do with my life..???!!

it's only a gp essay. get a grip.

hello still revamping my blog. actually, that's what my brother, Pravin, is doing for me. haha. thanks pravin! so it's not really done yet. need to touch up here and there. =)