helllo!!!! "she's alive!!! alive!!!" yes i am.

actually, i've been alive for quite a while. just been sprinkling my thoughts, emotions and experiences all over the place, everywhere but here.

actually in 2 weeks, soooo many things have changed. i have actually got 2 posts i've saved as drafts and i've a feeling they'll remain that way. why? cos they don't apply anymore. everyday is soooo different, that i just don't have the passion to write about yesterdays. i feel like a new person each new day, these days. when i wake up in the morning, i just don't what to expect and at the end of the day, i replay the events of the day back and go "wow". you see, i'm just so amazed by life. i know i've said this a million times. but i'm so amazed but how everything has a greater divine purpose. it's reached the point where i see a cat by the side of the road and think to myself, that cat was to be here in the whole intricate and divine plan of life. it could've been anywhere else but it is here now. and there's a whole story behind it all which links to us all. the interconnectivity of all our lives. i don't know about you but looking at life in that way seems to make everything and everyone glow with some kinda mysterious light. everything just radiates.

also, i've learnt to view "suffering" in a different light. not that i've "suffered" alot, but these new eyes have been found through a particular book (St. Therese of Lisieux) i've been reading while i happened to be going through a dark period in my own life (which reminds me of how you can read a book at so many points in ur life but only read it at that particular time!). i find now that "suffering" is really a step closer to perfection (ultimate unity with and in God). i've repeated this so many times so if u're reading or "hearing" this again, too bad! haha. but looking at suffering with these new eyes, i say "bring it all on!". no, i'm not being a sadomasochist. i just want to reach that state of heaven faster. yes, i believe heaven is a state. but of course, if we don't learn through all our suffering (as we're meant to), i don't think we'll be reaching that state anytime soon. you see, i believe suffering is meant to purify us. lets look at religion. for the buddhists and hindus, there's cause and consequence, karma, kinda like to make up for sins in a "past life". for catholics, there's purgatory, which i believe is really a state. it's where we are "purged" from our sins so that when we can reach the state of heaven to be one with god, where we were meant to be. am i just saying all this to console us all for the shithole we say life is? NO. i firmly believe it and can feel myself resurrecting to new life and changing into a new person through each suffering i've gone through and risen out of. and i'm just as human as you and you and you.

also, i've learnt so much about prayer. that when we pray, we should totally surrender and trust. which reminds me of this line from the song Resist by Rush. "You can surrender without a prayer but never really pray, pray with surrender." why ask someone to do something if you're not sure he/she is going to do it? u know, i believe our prayers are truly heard and answered, in ways better than we expect, the best ways! because god is perfect and he knows better than us and has views of the situation from ALL angles! i know that god's listening. you know why? because he does answer my prayers and he has granted me the awarenes of that. which has led me to believe that god really listens. which leads me to the wonderful revelation that everytime we pray, we are establishing a wonderful and divine connection with god! how beautiful is that?

you see, friends, i can go on and on and on and on and on and...and you'd all just think i was mad or over-exagerating or whatever, but really, i can't TELL you about these things. i can't make them seem logical to you in the worldly sense. (though i've seemed to find my own logic in it anyway) it's gotta be experienced, all of it. that's why we have life!

you know, i'm not more special than anyone and noone is more special than me. god doesn't just listen to my prayers. it's not just me whom he grants graces to to get through "suffering". we're all meant to be glorious!

i still have much to learn and i know i've only barely scraped the tip of it all. and i can't wait to learn and experience the rest of it!!

And now it's time to say
What I forgot to say
Baby, baby, baby,
C'mon what's wrong?
It's a radiation vibe
I'm groovin' on
Don't it make you wanna get some sun
Shine on, shine on, shine on
-Radiation Vibe by Fountains of Wayne

i woke up and my eyes were aching and my jaws were tired from clenching them too hard and i just lay in bed wanting not to get up again to face the day. but i did eventually, and spent the day in my own world. it was too depressing and it seemed as though i was punishing myself more than anyone else. so a thought occured to me to paint a picture. and believe me when i say i'm no artist. but there i was, lugging my art folio i used to use since i was 8 and a whole lot of other arty stuff 3 storeys down to the dining area. and when i passed my mom's room and she asked me where i was going, i couldn't help but smile and say "i'm going to paint a picture" even though i was supposed to be giving everyone the silent treatment. (yes, i wanted to be childish and i wanted to sulk. haha sounds silly now.)

i wanted to paint an angry picture. but pretty soon, it was starting to look like a child's dream, colourful and pleasant, nothing angry about it. the single stroke of lightning actually looked friendly.

i also did something i have negelected doing for a while. i finally took my bike out for a spin and cycled to the park i had found one day while on one of my "exploring expeditions." sitting there, i felt so fortunate and felt that this park, the lake/pond, the beautiful landscape, the trees, the sky; they were all mine and i was meant to find them one day some few months ago. and so i just sat there and revelled in my gem of a discovery. to the rest of the world and residents of that neighbourhood, it was just their normal park in the backyard. and i was glad i was me and not them because it made a few minutes in that park magical and refreshing.

i was pretty much angry with the world today and i wanted to run away and not face anyone. but you can't ever run away that easily. and eventually, i had to come out of that shell and face it all. which actually proved that it wasn't so bad after all and i was just being a sulk and i was just overwhelmed by an emotion which now reminds me how blinding emotions can be which now further reminds me never to dwell too much in them. i look forward to waking up to a better day in the morning now.

my youngest brother just returned from his st. john's camp today which lasted for 4 days 3 nights. he claims he slept only 4 hours in all! without a sleeping bag and on his towel because to his unpleasant surprise when he opened the sleeping BAG, it contained a jacket instead of a sleeping bag. anyway, there he was in the living room just now, fast asleep, while life bustled around him. he must have been having a really nice dream for i saw a smile on his face and wondered where most of it went. and i felt envious seeing one so immersed and peaceful in sleep because sleeping's becoming more of a challenge for me these days. i like sleeping but i seem to be getting less and less of RESTFUL sleep. and i'm actually really thankful every morning when i wake up feeling like i've had a really good, uninterrupted sleep. believe me, it's one of the best gifts god can give me these days. seriously. we just take too many things for granted.

And if the night runs over
And if the day won´t last
And if your way should falter
Along the stony pass
It´s just a moment
This time will pass
(Stuck in a Moment by U2)

i just sat there yesterday, silent as a stone. voices, noises, exchanged and thrown. i felt sad and i missed you so much. you would have been my only friend then. noone saw and noone knew. seems people only piss on others simply because they can. that's why the good guys always die first. i'm angry and sad and need you to know. i speak in codes on a webpage which you might never see (and i kinda hope you never do) while others pass it by and wonder what's up with this silly girl.

p.s. you is not you.

i guess embracing the unpredictability of life comes with embracing that an unpleasant turn of events is just as likely to happen as a pleasant one. would i still love life then? it's been something i've been thinking about.

so then, loving life really should depend not on the events. even if life should be so predictable that i should wake up every morning to listen to the same news, eat the same food, wear the same clothes, go to the same places, i should/could still be able to love it. even if a *peep* comes along and tries to storm on my perfectly sunny day, i should/could still be able to love it. and even if...

well, i'm thinking right now about many things. what if i were a prisoner, locked behind four walls in a dark room for years? what if i were a child who only woke up to abuse and went to sleep with a few more scars each night? what if i lost someone i loved? would i still be able to see any beauty and goodness which made me love life in the first place?

is there something i'm forgetting? is life meant to be loved? since we have to leave it? then again, i should be asking, why love anyone, since everyone will leave? but if life is more than this? am i loving life for the true reason it should be loved?

this entry started out with me fuming. which got me thinking how unpredictable again life was, that i should be smiling one minute and in tears, another. then i started thinking about how i said i loved the unpredictability of my life now and started wondering whether i would love it then in the midst of all my frustration, sadness or disappointment.

i know that i should just be. that all the above really seems like a waste of time now. the 3 words my mind finds so hard to follow though my heart really wants to...

be. here. now.

mmm mmm mmm mmm>>Try Not to Breath by R.E.M.

i love life now! yesterdays are always so far away and everyday is a totally different experience from the day before and i just don't know what to expect but wait eagerly like a kid waiting for santa's reindeer bells on christmas to accept enthusiastically what life has in store for me each new day. worry? what's worry? i wont pretend; i do worry. but i'm finally beginning to trust more in the fact that there's nothing to worry about and that it's all good or gonna be. simply because that's really how it is.

why does it have to ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ? why couldn't it be ACHYTBJSLOX.....? why does it have to be in that order? why does "B" sound like "bee" and not "see"? "B" is really just a shape, innit? just a random thought....

yesterday i met up with sheryl who just returned from her lovely holiday in cairns, australia. she went bungee-jumping, whitewater-rafting, sky-diving and swimming with fishies in the beautiful great barrier reef. snippets of our conversation...

shireen: so how was sky-diving?? so jealous!! aargh!!
sheryl : it was ok lar. not as great as i expected.
shireen : (dumb-struck look)

shireen : so how was white-water? aargh wish i was there!
sheryl : it was ok lar. not that great!
shireen : (dumb-struck look)

shireen : ok, so how was the great barrier reef?
sheryl : hmmm, not that great.
shireen : (dumb-struck look bordering towards why-am-i-not-surprised look)

shireen : so how was bungee??
sheryl : oh that was the best!

finallY!!! some people have all the luck! but sheryl really did have a good time. she only had a chance to do the beginner stuff for most of the activities that in my book, are supposed to be exciting. that's why it was "not that great" in her words. the conversation then changed course to the dreaming up of our new zealand holiday next year hopefully. we're still dreaming about it. and what with the antartica cruise at the end of the year, which i am still dreaming about. sheryl's totally serious about it. she's got the cash. me? i'd need to rob a bank cos i was too lazy and contented to get off my ass to work for a few more months! haha.

and yesterday, i was all set and dressed and ready to go for dance lesson. dear mel calls me to say she's got free tickets to the horror-themed restaurant igor's! so i grabbed the opportunity and went for it. dance could wait till next week. hope they didn't teach too many new steps. but igor's was fun! i won't say more lest you have not gone and wish to. wouldn't wanna ruin the surprise/shock factor! well, this is what i mean by the unpredictability of my life at the moment!

alanis morissette said something cool on mtv. i've probably seen that clip a million times but never heard this part. she said that now she was beginning to see things as more sacred than precious. more sacred than precious. she has yet to fail me!

staring at the word "precious" too long till now it looks funny. i'm smiling! goodbye!

anyway, it's time for an update. the past few days or weeks have been speckled with many beautiful moments, each an intimate experience with god and a glimpse into his astounding mind. god is soooo smart, i don't know where to begin....

what has happened to make me feel and think this way, one might wonder. honestly, i'd really like to share. but i can't and won't for a few reasons. firstly, some of them are too personal to the people involved. though they may never read this blog, i feel it is not in my place to expose it on the world wide web nevertheless. secondly, it's like chewing a piece of tasteless gum. yes, gum is banned in singapore. and yes, i'm always using the tasteless chewing gum as an analogy for alot of different things. anyway, what i mean is, if i repeat my stories too many times, it won't be so special and meaningful anymore, though it's still the same story. as i said in a previous post, "repetition seems to make meaing fade." thirdly, i'm sleepy.

good night.

p.s. if you really would like me to share, then you could contact me. if you'd like to sponsor a clubmed maldives trip for me, you can and may also contact me!

You are you when you are at peace with who you are not.

it's like teaching an eaglet to fly...then chopping its wings off when it starts to soar freely. and why?

just because it flies far and spends less time in the nest, it doesn't mean it is disinterested in you or loves you less. you taught it to fly the way it does now. the rest of the world and newer skies await it. but they may have to wait forever if you don't let go now.

it's time to.

i know and feel it's a blessing not to be in want of anything. it's one less shackle to tie me down with. i feel so contented with life now because it feels as though i have no commitments or responsibilities. of course i still do. but they don't seem like chores. and i still do dream, big and small. but i just don't seem to be in want. at least nothing too compelling. and this troubles me.

huh?

well, when i'm in want of something, there's something to look forward to, something to hope for, something to get a kick out of, something to dream about..... and when i'm not in want of anything, then what? life somehow seems more boring and the world somehow seems smaller. but when i'm in want, anxiety sets in after a while, then anger and perhaps, depression, assuming i'm still in want and haven't achieved or attained. and i'm troubled that i'm not in want. see how twisted we are? ok, i am?

but what's perplexing is...why am i not in want anyway??? maybe cos i feel that i don't need? or i've psyched myself into thinking i don't need cos i hate the hassle of needing and wanting? so maybe i still do want but i'm suprressing it to save the hassle? and just hoping that it'll all eventually die down? so then, am i really free? or just disillusioning myself?

am i thinking or analysing too much or making this into too much of a big deal for my own good and yours???

i won't ask whether i'm mad though. i already know the answer.

wowee this new blogger setting is rather interesting. it's like moving into a new house and walking around in it for the first time. exciting!

to the lover of my soul, and of yours:

it's just so easy to doubt you. it's even harder to understand why you do the things you do. but i know. and so i can't tear the eyes of my heart away from you anymore. transfixed by this thing called love, the source of all your goodness. transfixed by this whole beautiful divine mystery.

please help me never to lose sight.

i have an ulcer. it is expanding. it is painful. it tastes funny.

i love chocolate. chocolate aggravates ulcers.

i ate too much chocolate.



ouch.

p.s. i'm not drunk.

Love, love is a verb
Love is a doing word
Feathers on my breath

i just watched the movie, beautiful boxer, yesterday. just so happend that a week or two before, i had watched a documentary about transvestites on the national geographic channel. it sent alot of sparks racing through my mind which got me thinking. it got me thinking again about how complicated people are. i can't even begin to understand what's happening in the minds of the above-mentioned group of people. so when others slam them or diss them, i get angry. i really can't take a stand in issues such as these. i can't say whether it is right or wrong and i somehow don't feel that it is in my place to. then as i was praying, i started thinking. whatever i do or think, let it be out of love. as long as i have that beautiful, divine and mysterious connection with god, i know that i will be guided to act out of his amazing love. actions not based on books or words of famous people or teachers, not on mere human judgement, but actions based entirely on the love of god.

i just read the book, the screwtape letters, by c.s. lewis. it's a gem of a book. i borrowed it from my new-found library but i think i shall go buy it cos i'll definitely be refering to it every now and then from now on. you know, i'm one of those who always settles for mediocrity despite my big dreams and idealistic aims and expectations. i get contented too easily and think it's ok to be mediocre as long as i'm somewhere. but you know what? it's not ok. we were meant to become something so much bigger!

i would have had much more to say but talking to too many people has left me with nothing more to blog here today. repetition tends to make the real meaning fade, i find. hmmm...