"that was really good. but there's one thing i didn't like about it. too impatient!"

as the coach said that, i couldn't help but think that it was more than just about my soccer skills.

patience is a virtue is a gross understatement. we really underestimate the value of this virtue. faith, love and hope are the fruits of patience. when we are impatient, we jump of buildings, take drugs, divorce, kill, rape, fall into depression, run away from love....

there's too much for me to spill on the past few weeks so i'm just pouring out what's on my heart and in my mind at this present moment now. and i realise, like everything else, i have to accept this weakness in me before i can do anything about it. i gotta do something about it. i gotta stop running away...

it's not that life is stress-free. this week onwards, smu is gonna be such a killer. projects, assignments, presentations...pretty intimidating..

but somehow, i'm not anxious anymore. of course, there's that little bit of stress but that's healthy. in fact, these days, i just love being alive so much! if u ask me to tell u why, i'll probably explode. every moment is so awe-inspiring....god is a genius!

where do i begin?? i know how to end though. when you've only one breath left, use it to say "thank you". ever since i read that quote, i've held steadfast to it.

thank you, god!

p.s. i know this is a lousy update. but seriously...haha =P

i was walking back along the side of the field after walking sheryl to the bus-stop when i heard the loud "booms" which sounded like thunder and shifted my gaze to the sky far beyond and saw it illuminated. fireworks! but i couldn't see a single one.

i rushed to the end of the road but it didn't make a difference because my view was blocked by houses and more houses no matter how far i walked. "i'll be seeing you tomorrow," i said and turned around and walked home (i'm dragging my family to marina promenade tomorrow for the fireworks display). i love fireworks! one of the most beautiful inventions!

i'll be going to watch every one of the fireworks displays this month. my mom wants to go away for a holiday on national day but i said "NO!!!" because i don't want to miss the fireworks and she said that i can see it every year. but i told her that i might not live to see it next year and who knows? she scolded me for saying such a thing but added, "then you'll be seeing even bigger fireworks." she had a point.

today was my last day of work at the amazing star montessori house. what can i say? this was one bunch of kids i really grew to love. at first, they struck me as a bunch of spoilt brats with really rich parents. but i soon learnt that was not to be the case as i got a closer look at the whacky and amazing personalities of each and everyone one of them. i really didn't want to leave. i bought them sweets which made them happy but i don't think they understand why. they probably were more interested in the sweets. haha...

i had to say goodbye to jade. i told her i would not be coming back and she asked why and i said i had to go to school and she said "yar last time miss eileen told me u have to go to your school." and i said yea and i asked her to promise me she'd finish all her food quickly today and she did and showed me her empty bowl before putting it in the pail. i went around snapping shots of them all. but of course, jade had the most pictures on my camera. i even took a short video clip of her so i'd remember her voice and the funny things she says and her cheeky facial expressions and whatever i can grab hold of in those short 8 seconds. i keep talking abt jade and the kids non-stop, sending the photos and video clips to whoever i can. to the world, they're just a bunch of cute kids maybe. but to me, it's so much more! so i'm sorry if i've been forcing any of you to look at all the photos and watch the clip. it's just that it's like i've obtained this treasure i just want so much to share with the world! hehe...

before leaving, i sent her off to her schoolbus after putting on her jacket and her socks and shoes because she was the last one as usual and the bus aunty was rushing her (she can actually do all those by herself). before she left, i asked her for a hug though i usually don't really innitiate hugs and she gave me one and i breathed it in. as she left, she hopped off to her schoolbus and kept turning back to shout, "bye little miss shireen reeeeeeeen!!" and i replied with "bye little monkey jade!!" and then she was gone. slowly i got my bag and bid farewell to the teachers and little eden who was waiting for his mom and accident-prone sarah-ann who's always unintentionally getting into trouble and danette who's charming in her own ways and all the rest who i love so dearly! the 2 chef extraordinaires said i could come back to eat anytime because i told them how much i'm gonna miss their food and so i think i will.

it was only a month and yet it changed my life so much. though it's just so heartbreaking to leave and my heart aches everytime i watch the short video clip of jade and look at the photos of all the kids, i'm so grateful for even having this chance to stumble upon their extraordinary lives....

how do i live a normal life after this? the past few months of my life have been spent as though i were on a retreat from the world. many amazing things, through the grace of god, were revealed to me. but pretty soon, i've to go back out there again. and i've been getting sips of it from time to time recently, and i feel threatened. i know i should be more ready now and that all the things that happened to me in the past half a year happened to me for this moment, but it's just going to be so hard to leave that comfort zone. i don't know if anyone reading this might understand me but i can't imagine living a normal life again. i know i'm different now. i may crack the same silly jokes and wear the same clothes, but i know something big and drastic has happened. and it would be such a waste to let it all go to waste because of fear.

how broken we all really are. how we delude ourselves with illusions of joy which are ephemeral. how we make excuses for ourselves and run away. how blind and foolish we are. how imperfect. and how could anyone love us? but that is why love has been made perfect, through us, imperfect blemished and scarred creatures.

why do we look everywhere else? why do we refuse to believe? why do we wallow in self-pity and make it seem as though we are fighting alone, making ourselves appear as the victims? why can't we believe that something that good really could happen to us and for us? why do we shun and turn away from the only thing that can make us whole and truly loved?

the fact that you were born makes you worthy already. even the slightest and smallest raindrop, teardrop or dewdrop has a divine purpose which is rooted in love. and what more the miracle of your life? it is beyond our human understanding, at least beyond mine. but even the foolishness of god surpasses the wisdom of men. you can't put the whole ocean into a little pothole you dug in the sand.

it's not a comforting thought. when we get through one obstacle, it doesn't end. in fact, there are plenty more to come, harder ones. at least, it doesn't end until you're ready for it all to. it's how we grow and each is a step closer to heaven.

but how it all tugs at my heart now. the skies were clear, for a while.

i was taking a nap for a while and i get the weirdest dreams only during afternoon naps. it's so weird i don't know where to start! what does it all mean?

it started with me being on a field trip with a group of people in a really cold place which was dark most of the time with snow everywhere. i know for sure sheryl was there because when we stepped out of the building to join everyone for dinner, it was so dark we didn't know where we were going and slipped into a giant snowball that was actually a giant cake. the lights came on and we found ourselves surrounded by angry eyes all ready to start dinner and we had just ruined their dessert. so we went into a building which looked like a hotel. i wasn't with sheryl anymore but with mel tan. the hotel was very grand and oppulent and from the features and accents of the employess, i was probably somewhere in the middle-east and was thinking to myself how the grandest of places can be found here. i went into one room and found that it was the toilet. i went into another which i thought was the toilet but it turnd out to be a room to put bags in and powder up your face and some other crap. then i entered another room and was with sheryl again. only it was a GIANT hall. i saw acrobats and they were really high up. the background seemed to be the sky. everyone was enthralled by the acrobats but i was looking at the sky beyond. and saw a rainbow. it kept appearing and disappearing. it's colours were brilliant and irridiscent. then the whole sky was flashing with colours, on and off, streaks of light of all colours. i was mesmerised and kept pointing at it and crying in delight, asking everyone to look. but everyone was so caught up with the acrobats. then i realised that the sky was actually just the ceiling of the big hall i was in and the lights and the rainbow were just laser beams shone onto it. but i was mesmerised neverthelss. next thing i know i was strapped onto a board, hanging upside down. then i was hoisted up until i was at the same level as the acrobats and was allowed to watch the whole show from there. i was estatic. when the show was over, i was brought down to ground level again and all the lights came on and i was unstrapped and left and just, walked home.

but home wasn't the cold place i described before. it was in another country. wait, it was a house somewhere in the middle-east i think. but it looked like a singaporean housing estate. i was staying with uncle manu and family and a few friends. i can't remember what happened at this house. all i know is that uncle manu's family disappeared for a day and came back the next. aunty asha came to speak to me and told me they went to say prayers for dheeraj. (my little cousin who passed away some few years ago. she told me they had to keep repeating this line. i can't remember what the exact line was but it went something like, "i'm in so deep." she said that if we kept repeating it, satan couldn't get through. and she started talking about jesus and mary. and i started crying. but the wierd part is that they're not even close to being a christian. i couldn't comprehend and was so astounded that i cried. and that's when i realised it was all a dream.

i'd kill to go to prison!

pun intended.

i'm a teacher in a childcare centre now and i have to tell kids not to run around and climb everywhere and to finish their food and to play toys the way they're supposed to be played. and this concerns me because i've always believed in allowing children to express their creativity. and when they draw their strokes for the alphabets in the "wrong" order and i correct them because i'm supposed to and they ask me why they can't draw it that way, you know what? i can't give them an answer because i'd also like to know why it can't be drawn that way. or why the toy has to be played a certain way. it's quite ironic that the quickest way to stop being childlike is by being a pre-school teacher. but of course, i shall not allow that to happen for being childlike is really the secret to living a fulfilled and joyful life. so to make up for my school teacher demeanor, i secretly play "nonsensical" games with the kids and join in their whacked conversations and games. i don't want to forget that we have much to learn from children even though we're "the educators". though we may teach them math, english and the rules, they're the ones who constantly remind us of how life should be lived; to be free-spirited, transparent, vulnerable, honest and to enjoy every moment of it. seriously, just let them and every thing can be turned into a game or something to laugh about. the simplest things are a cause for amusement and wonderment.

there is one girl. her name is jade and i'm smitten. she's different from the other kids. she's about 3, and boy is she one small 3-year-old. she has short hair and looks like a pixie. in the mornings, when i walk through the gates, she comes up to me shyly, but one can see the glint of mischief in her eye and her cheeky smile. "ms shireen," she says softly and hangs around for a while. then she walks around observing what the other kids are doing, occasionally joining in bouts of laughter started by other kids or starting one herself. (she finds everything funny.) then she comes up to me again and reports an amusing discovery she's made. (sometimes it's from out of her imagination.)

now jade is one helluva slow eater! she's always the last one to finish and i'm always the one who stays behind to make sure she finishes her food. all along, i've been feeding her because when she puts a spoonful of food into her mouth, she starts daydreaming and stops chewing, forgetting she's got food in her mouth. i have to keep making deals with her and sometimes end up begging her and it gets really tiring. so on tuesday, after lunch, i gave her a lecture. yes i gave a 3-year-old this really long lecture about how "i was very very very very very tired of her giving me so much trouble at lunch and making everyone wait for her" and "was it fair to keep the aunty waiting for her so she could clean up or me?" and blablabla. (i knew she'd understand. she's a smart girl.) and after the lecture she agreed to finish up her food more quickly from the next day onwards. so yesterday, wednesday, before she went for lunch, she saw me reading a book to a boy named eden who's about 2 and is very mischievous too. but somehow, books have this calming magical effect on him as i've found out recently. so jade brought another book from the rack and wanted me to read it to her though everyone else had gone off for lunch. so i made a deal with her. i asked her if she remembered what i said to her the day before and asked her whether she would eat "like a good girl" if i read her the book and she said yes. and you know what? not only did i not have to feed her but she finished it so much faster! and for each spoonful that she took, i praised her and said something like "very good jade!" and "wow, jade!" or something like that.

the next took me by surprise. kids just know how to melt hearts. there i was busy nagging other kids and giving out apples for dessert and she said "ms shireen look at me." but i was busy so i couldn't really give my full attention to her. then she said, "ms shireen, look at me because.." and she said the next so softly.."because i love you."

i just felt so touched by her. not just because she said that she loved me but because she took me seriously and kept her promise to me. and i'm also touched by the way she says hello to me each morning. other kids run up to the teachers and hug them and scream their teachers' names. those are cute. but she's different. she just walks up to you quietly but her face speaks a thousand words and her smile a million more. she can be naughty and maybe she finds "too many" things funny, but i can't stay mad at her for long because she's just so pure and lovely. jade is not mushy or clingy. she's very smart and her imagination is just plain wild. (she likes to eat hair, thinks she's a monkey, likes to catch elephants and bathe with them, scares birds and talks to them, wears stickers on her forehead, etc, etc.) she's always bouncing around and ready to help others. she doesn't stay mad for long and i've never seen her cry. if the other girls don't share their toys with her, she's still happy. but she's always ready to share and never makes anyone feel unwanted or unwelcome (as kids are known to cruelly do at times.)

we have a really special friendship and i'll be sad when i stop working there at the end of the month. will she forget me? (kids have short-term memory.) will i ever see her again? who will read her stories and talk crap with her during lunch when she's the last one left? i know i sound like i'm one of her classmates or something but she's won me over with her charm.

lovely jadey jade (i call her that). she's a rare one.

Hello everybody...

today, we're gonna explore words. yes, this whole entry will be dedicated to words. i found the following rather....interesting.

i mean, who would've thought that the word for throwing a person out of the window would be the number one favourite word?

and there's actually a group called the Plain English Campaign which "campaigns against clichés, jargon, and obfuscation, particularly in official and public documents." which brings us to the list of the most cliched words and phrases. (i'm guilty of using the first one too much, haha. what? i can't help it if it's becoming a growing trend among guys these days.)

and "singing from the same hymm sheet" and "move the goal post" are considered to be amongst the most irritating cliched phrases used??

ah well, just some fun facts. i hope you haven't been discombobulated by this plethora of wordy issues. it's no big deal; don't have to be a flibbertigibbet and create a big kerfuffle!

helllo!!!! "she's alive!!! alive!!!" yes i am.

actually, i've been alive for quite a while. just been sprinkling my thoughts, emotions and experiences all over the place, everywhere but here.

actually in 2 weeks, soooo many things have changed. i have actually got 2 posts i've saved as drafts and i've a feeling they'll remain that way. why? cos they don't apply anymore. everyday is soooo different, that i just don't have the passion to write about yesterdays. i feel like a new person each new day, these days. when i wake up in the morning, i just don't what to expect and at the end of the day, i replay the events of the day back and go "wow". you see, i'm just so amazed by life. i know i've said this a million times. but i'm so amazed but how everything has a greater divine purpose. it's reached the point where i see a cat by the side of the road and think to myself, that cat was to be here in the whole intricate and divine plan of life. it could've been anywhere else but it is here now. and there's a whole story behind it all which links to us all. the interconnectivity of all our lives. i don't know about you but looking at life in that way seems to make everything and everyone glow with some kinda mysterious light. everything just radiates.

also, i've learnt to view "suffering" in a different light. not that i've "suffered" alot, but these new eyes have been found through a particular book (St. Therese of Lisieux) i've been reading while i happened to be going through a dark period in my own life (which reminds me of how you can read a book at so many points in ur life but only read it at that particular time!). i find now that "suffering" is really a step closer to perfection (ultimate unity with and in God). i've repeated this so many times so if u're reading or "hearing" this again, too bad! haha. but looking at suffering with these new eyes, i say "bring it all on!". no, i'm not being a sadomasochist. i just want to reach that state of heaven faster. yes, i believe heaven is a state. but of course, if we don't learn through all our suffering (as we're meant to), i don't think we'll be reaching that state anytime soon. you see, i believe suffering is meant to purify us. lets look at religion. for the buddhists and hindus, there's cause and consequence, karma, kinda like to make up for sins in a "past life". for catholics, there's purgatory, which i believe is really a state. it's where we are "purged" from our sins so that when we can reach the state of heaven to be one with god, where we were meant to be. am i just saying all this to console us all for the shithole we say life is? NO. i firmly believe it and can feel myself resurrecting to new life and changing into a new person through each suffering i've gone through and risen out of. and i'm just as human as you and you and you.

also, i've learnt so much about prayer. that when we pray, we should totally surrender and trust. which reminds me of this line from the song Resist by Rush. "You can surrender without a prayer but never really pray, pray with surrender." why ask someone to do something if you're not sure he/she is going to do it? u know, i believe our prayers are truly heard and answered, in ways better than we expect, the best ways! because god is perfect and he knows better than us and has views of the situation from ALL angles! i know that god's listening. you know why? because he does answer my prayers and he has granted me the awarenes of that. which has led me to believe that god really listens. which leads me to the wonderful revelation that everytime we pray, we are establishing a wonderful and divine connection with god! how beautiful is that?

you see, friends, i can go on and on and on and on and on and...and you'd all just think i was mad or over-exagerating or whatever, but really, i can't TELL you about these things. i can't make them seem logical to you in the worldly sense. (though i've seemed to find my own logic in it anyway) it's gotta be experienced, all of it. that's why we have life!

you know, i'm not more special than anyone and noone is more special than me. god doesn't just listen to my prayers. it's not just me whom he grants graces to to get through "suffering". we're all meant to be glorious!

i still have much to learn and i know i've only barely scraped the tip of it all. and i can't wait to learn and experience the rest of it!!

And now it's time to say
What I forgot to say
Baby, baby, baby,
C'mon what's wrong?
It's a radiation vibe
I'm groovin' on
Don't it make you wanna get some sun
Shine on, shine on, shine on
-Radiation Vibe by Fountains of Wayne

i woke up and my eyes were aching and my jaws were tired from clenching them too hard and i just lay in bed wanting not to get up again to face the day. but i did eventually, and spent the day in my own world. it was too depressing and it seemed as though i was punishing myself more than anyone else. so a thought occured to me to paint a picture. and believe me when i say i'm no artist. but there i was, lugging my art folio i used to use since i was 8 and a whole lot of other arty stuff 3 storeys down to the dining area. and when i passed my mom's room and she asked me where i was going, i couldn't help but smile and say "i'm going to paint a picture" even though i was supposed to be giving everyone the silent treatment. (yes, i wanted to be childish and i wanted to sulk. haha sounds silly now.)

i wanted to paint an angry picture. but pretty soon, it was starting to look like a child's dream, colourful and pleasant, nothing angry about it. the single stroke of lightning actually looked friendly.

i also did something i have negelected doing for a while. i finally took my bike out for a spin and cycled to the park i had found one day while on one of my "exploring expeditions." sitting there, i felt so fortunate and felt that this park, the lake/pond, the beautiful landscape, the trees, the sky; they were all mine and i was meant to find them one day some few months ago. and so i just sat there and revelled in my gem of a discovery. to the rest of the world and residents of that neighbourhood, it was just their normal park in the backyard. and i was glad i was me and not them because it made a few minutes in that park magical and refreshing.

i was pretty much angry with the world today and i wanted to run away and not face anyone. but you can't ever run away that easily. and eventually, i had to come out of that shell and face it all. which actually proved that it wasn't so bad after all and i was just being a sulk and i was just overwhelmed by an emotion which now reminds me how blinding emotions can be which now further reminds me never to dwell too much in them. i look forward to waking up to a better day in the morning now.

my youngest brother just returned from his st. john's camp today which lasted for 4 days 3 nights. he claims he slept only 4 hours in all! without a sleeping bag and on his towel because to his unpleasant surprise when he opened the sleeping BAG, it contained a jacket instead of a sleeping bag. anyway, there he was in the living room just now, fast asleep, while life bustled around him. he must have been having a really nice dream for i saw a smile on his face and wondered where most of it went. and i felt envious seeing one so immersed and peaceful in sleep because sleeping's becoming more of a challenge for me these days. i like sleeping but i seem to be getting less and less of RESTFUL sleep. and i'm actually really thankful every morning when i wake up feeling like i've had a really good, uninterrupted sleep. believe me, it's one of the best gifts god can give me these days. seriously. we just take too many things for granted.

And if the night runs over
And if the day won´t last
And if your way should falter
Along the stony pass
It´s just a moment
This time will pass
(Stuck in a Moment by U2)