i've been sleeping pretty much the whole day. was awake for maybe like 4 hours and the rest was spent drifting in and out of sleep. i don't know why i'm so tired. maybe it's the hangover from last night. but i don't think i drank so much, did i? i overslept bigtime and missed my jc class reunion. my head still hurts and my jaws are aching and my left shoulder needs a good massage. was i wrestling yokozuna in my sleep or what??
"come waste your time with me...."
that song (waste) by phish is stuck in my head and i can't, for the life of me, get it out!!
i'm so glad i told the truth. the truth really sets us free and love delights in truth. i feel more free than i've felt in a long time. i still think about alot of stuff but not in a way that entraps me anymore. i feel as though my heart can finally fly for the first time in a long time. the cage was always open. i just never knew i could fly away..ain't that always the case?
so once again, the night is an open slate. i love this open space. the loneliness and the quiet seem almost sacred. where shall i go? what shall i do?
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Thursday, June 23, 2005
you can take away anything you want from me. you can take away my clothes, my money, my heart sometimes. but you can never take away my self-worth. i will always have that. i will always be a child of god. i will always be who i am inside, where god lives in me and where he is the only constant. he lives in my middle and this is why i have purpose and truth and love, just like all else.
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
i think wisdom is wisdom only if it is rooted in love. on sunday evening, jeevan (my brother) seemed to have been transformed right there in front of me, or maybe, my eyes were being opened. or both. either way, god was making his power known to us through love that evening and as i sat there listening to my brother because there was nothing else i could do but listen, i was in awe of how love had transformed him and made him wise beyond his years. and i was humbled at once, realising how much i didn't know.
it's a really long story. jeremy said he should film a video of my family but as i told him, i think the most beautiful moments in life are usually never really caught on video. like the time i was in thailand, diving into the waterfall. or the time i was dangling my legs over the edge of the boat as the waves splashed below my feet. or like the time i was flying to italy and saw the most stars i had ever seen in my life. or the times when i cycled or jogged to my secret river (which isn't really a secret). and those times when i take reno for walks in the nights, singing to the stars. or those times at night when it is all quiet and i am just about to sleep and i look out of the window and see the most beautiful moonrise...and especially those times in life when you are with certain people and there is that spark or connection and your heart bursts, and those times of deep prayer and that mysterious but magical connection with god...noone can ever get those on tape. we could try but we wouldn't get too far and too near the experience. and those are the moments i will always try to remember and carry in my heart.
was chatting with a friend whom i hadn't spoken to for a while and he was saying how some of the things which feel so natural can feel so wrong and forbidden. and i told him i understood because that's how i'm starting to feel. but i don't say this with a heavy heart. i say it with a confused one. i keep telling myself the door is closed and it's all over and there is no chance. but why do i feel that the opposite is happening? like the gate has been unlocked but the door is still shut tightly except that once i knew it was locked but now i'm not so sure anymore. maybe the opposite really is happening but i know that it probably won't get far because i've been building my walls by the minute. and as what i thought would never happen seems to be happening, i'm further reinforcing the walls. because i don't even dare think about what i'm tempted to think. i don't read so much into anything, or even at all. like i've learnt how to put it all aside. but that small little voice whispering in me...it's starting to become more than a whisper...not sure what all this means. so that's all i'm gonna say about it for now.
phaemie, you probably know what i mean. can't wait..
it's a really long story. jeremy said he should film a video of my family but as i told him, i think the most beautiful moments in life are usually never really caught on video. like the time i was in thailand, diving into the waterfall. or the time i was dangling my legs over the edge of the boat as the waves splashed below my feet. or like the time i was flying to italy and saw the most stars i had ever seen in my life. or the times when i cycled or jogged to my secret river (which isn't really a secret). and those times when i take reno for walks in the nights, singing to the stars. or those times at night when it is all quiet and i am just about to sleep and i look out of the window and see the most beautiful moonrise...and especially those times in life when you are with certain people and there is that spark or connection and your heart bursts, and those times of deep prayer and that mysterious but magical connection with god...noone can ever get those on tape. we could try but we wouldn't get too far and too near the experience. and those are the moments i will always try to remember and carry in my heart.
was chatting with a friend whom i hadn't spoken to for a while and he was saying how some of the things which feel so natural can feel so wrong and forbidden. and i told him i understood because that's how i'm starting to feel. but i don't say this with a heavy heart. i say it with a confused one. i keep telling myself the door is closed and it's all over and there is no chance. but why do i feel that the opposite is happening? like the gate has been unlocked but the door is still shut tightly except that once i knew it was locked but now i'm not so sure anymore. maybe the opposite really is happening but i know that it probably won't get far because i've been building my walls by the minute. and as what i thought would never happen seems to be happening, i'm further reinforcing the walls. because i don't even dare think about what i'm tempted to think. i don't read so much into anything, or even at all. like i've learnt how to put it all aside. but that small little voice whispering in me...it's starting to become more than a whisper...not sure what all this means. so that's all i'm gonna say about it for now.
phaemie, you probably know what i mean. can't wait..
Monday, May 30, 2005
take me to a desert. i want to feel the immense heat of the sand on the soles of my bare feet. i want to be overwhelmed by its extreme bareness. i want to see the desert night sky illuminated by gazillions or bazillions of stars.
take me to the bottom of the sea. i want to see the creatures that noone has ever seen. i want to see the octopusses. i want to see just how dark it really is.
take me to the moon. i want to know what earth looks like from there and how still it seems to be. i want to hear how quiet it is. i want to be illuminated in the bright side of the moon and see how dark it really is on the dark side of the moon.
take me to the north pole. i want to see the aurora. i want to be lost in the white. i want to know how life flows when everything is frozen. then take me to antartica. i want to make friends with the penguins.
take me anywhere. far away. then take me home.
by then, i would have been laughing. it would be funny. because i would have realised by then that i could have experienced all this in my own room. extreme quiet, suffocating darkness, complete bareness, unbearable heat, unbearable coldness, being so far away that nothing else matters, billions of stars illuminating my heart, brilliant auroras colouring my life. but i would be happy still. for i would have found friends in the penguins and the octopusses. and when i can't see the stars on a cloudy day, i'll know that it exists anyway. and i'll know what i always had a gut feeling about all along, that there is always hope and there is always something to love and that life is more than this and just this.
take me to the bottom of the sea. i want to see the creatures that noone has ever seen. i want to see the octopusses. i want to see just how dark it really is.
take me to the moon. i want to know what earth looks like from there and how still it seems to be. i want to hear how quiet it is. i want to be illuminated in the bright side of the moon and see how dark it really is on the dark side of the moon.
take me to the north pole. i want to see the aurora. i want to be lost in the white. i want to know how life flows when everything is frozen. then take me to antartica. i want to make friends with the penguins.
take me anywhere. far away. then take me home.
by then, i would have been laughing. it would be funny. because i would have realised by then that i could have experienced all this in my own room. extreme quiet, suffocating darkness, complete bareness, unbearable heat, unbearable coldness, being so far away that nothing else matters, billions of stars illuminating my heart, brilliant auroras colouring my life. but i would be happy still. for i would have found friends in the penguins and the octopusses. and when i can't see the stars on a cloudy day, i'll know that it exists anyway. and i'll know what i always had a gut feeling about all along, that there is always hope and there is always something to love and that life is more than this and just this.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
when i was in thailand, i wrote a letter back home on 2 little pieces of paper from my notepad, which was 1/8 the size of a normal A4 sheet. i wrote it on the 3rd or 4th night and for almost 2 weeks, i searched for an open post office in the little town of takuapa in thailand so that i could buy stamps and send my letters home. the post office was always closed for some reason and it was one of the most modern looking "shops" in that town and perhaps one of the only few which actually had air-conditioning.
anyway, it wasn't until 2 saturdays later when i could finally post my letters. we had just checked into our new hotel at phuket and i went out in search of a shop to buy stamps before lunch. i would be back in singapore 2 days later but i just wanted the thrill of posting a letter from overseas and others receiving it back home. so i found myself at a pharmacy buying some stamps.
the lady behind the counter at the pharmacy started chatting with rita and me and she noticed the logo on the t-shirt i was wearing.
"is that your university?" she asked.
"nope, it's my church."i replied. i was wearing a blue polo tee and there was a logo on it that bore the name of the church i attend, the church of saint francis xavier.
"aaah, you're catholic?" she asked excitedly.
"yup." i nodded.
"aaah me too."
i was pretty excited because i really wanted to go for mass in thailand. i couldn't go the week before because i couldn't find a church anywhere. so i asked her whether she knew of any churches around there and was expecting a no. but she told me i could attend mass at Le Meridien Hotel. she even wrote down the times of the english masses for me.
i was so excited that whole saturday. i couldn't believe my luck. i had been really wanting to go for mass. and i had been really wanting to post my letters. and i realised that if i had posted my letters any earlier, i would never have known that there was a mass somewhere near i could attend. and what got me even more excited was the fact that i had been reading the alchemist by paulo coelho on the trip and one of the things that kept being repeated throughout the book was how when your soul desires something, the whole of the universe conspires to make it happen. join the dots.
also, my teeth and gums were really hurting throughout the whole trip. must have been those icecreams i kept eating and the cha yen noms i kept drinking everyday of my trip. so in phuket, i decided to look for a dentist and actually found one. and the dentist didn't charge me a cent because i only went to him for consultation. rita was shopping at the shop across the street from the dentist so i went to meet her. and from there, we suddenly went on a mad shopping spree. i don't know how it happened. but if ALL this didn't happen, we would never have bumped into rita's somewhere guy,
ok, some background info. the night before, we had gone to this shopping centre in phuket where there were all these paintings and photographs on display in the outside amphi-theatre. rita started talking to a budding up and coming photographer and i guess she thought she would never see him again. but who would've thought that we'd bump into him on the streets of patong while shopping on a saturday afternoon?? and we did. and again, i thought to myself. wow, if my teeth had not hurt so much and i had not eaten all those icecreams, we wouldn't have bumped into him. if rita did not know me, and we had never become friends in primary school many years ago, we would never have bumped into the "somewhere" guy. it all just made me go "aaaah" at life and realise that every moment was simply a step to the next and it was ok if things screwed up in our eyes. we just had to trust.
anyway, to continue the story. so i was really excited about mass. after shopping, we met the others on the beach but it started to rain shortly after so we had to run indoors for shelter and soon found ourselves at a thai massage parlour. i had really wanted to go for a thai massage. mass was at 530pm and the massage ended at 5pm. so i bid goodbye to sheryl and rita and went in search of a tuk tuk to bring me to le meridien hotel. i really couldn't wait!
i went to the first tuk tuk driver i saw and asked him how much it was to le meridien hotel. he charged me 200baht at first but i knew it was a rip off because the lady at the pharmacy told me it was about 50-100baht. in the end we settle for 150baht. i'm lousy at bargaining. so we went to le meridien. but when we reached there, the guards on duty refused to allow us to go in. why? because the hotel had been closed for 4 months because of the tsunami! i was like..."shit." had the lady not gone to mass for 4 months? didn't the tuk tuk driver know it was closed? would i be paying 300baht for NOTHING? but i knew i couldn't do much so i just asked the tuk tuk driver to take me back to patong , which he did.
when we reached patong, i handed over my 300 baht to the tuk tuk driver. i felt a bit disappointed but decided that i wouldn't call sheryl or rita but sit by the beach and read instead since it was one of those things i had been wanting to do for a while. so there i was sitting on the sand and eating my pomelo and reading the alchemist when after a while, i heard a man going "hello."
i turned to my left and squating next to me was the tuk tuk driver. i was a bit surprised and said hi. we talked about the hotel being closed and i asked him whether he knew and why hadn't he told me but he could only smile sheepishly and i guess i must've looked a bit disappointed but i said never mind.
"you got some time now?" he asked.
i didn't want to give an answer because the tuk tuk drivers there were like vultures and i didn't want to give this vulture any more of my precious baht.
"you got some time now? i also think too much. i take you around."
i didn't understand what he meant by "too much" though i was thinking it had something to do with my 300baht which was now in his pockets. but i still didn't want to give an answer because i didn't want to pay him any more and what if he wanted to kidnap me?
"i take you around. ok? free?"
hmm...free. i thought about it for like less than 7 seconds and decided hell, why not? next thing i knew, i was getting up and dusting the sand off my bum and following him back to his tuk tuk. i sat infront with him this time and he brought me around the coast line of phuket, showing me karon and kata beach. then he brought me to one of the highest points in phuket called the viewing point where i got a splendid view of the phuket shoreline which really took my breath away and i swore i could've cried. we sat down for a while on a rock just staring out into the sea and the life below and the tuk tuk driver started taking out something from his pocket and rolling it. then he lighted it. it was a cigarette but i was quite worried that it was some kind of drug because i rememberd that before i had gotten into his tuk tuk for the first time, i heard another tuk tuk driver tell me he takes marijuana. i didn't know whether he was joking or not but i was afraid that whatever he was smoking now would make him high and the place was deserted really and who knew what he would do. i knew i was taking a risk the moment i stepped into the tuk tuk actually but i also felt i was living out my ian wright dreams. ah well.
anyway, time was running out and i knew i had to go back cos everyone would be waiting for me back at the hotel to go for dinner. so i told him i had to go and he drove me back all the way to my hotel. for free of course. haha.
on the way back, he was showing me where he goes to drink with his friends and where he goes to smoke marijuana. of course, i kind of lectured him about marijuana. but it was probably just water of a duck's back. that night, my friends and i were actually planning on going to a bar with a good live band. and this guy looked like he might know of good ones so i asked him to recommend me some. instead, he elbowed my elbow and said, "you and me, go tonight?" in a really cheeky way.
"haha nar. i'm going with my friends tonight." i said shyly. i was like oh man what have i got myself into. then he asked whether i had a boyfriend and i should have said yes right but i didn't want to lie so i said no. and he took out his handphone and asked me for my number.
i kept telling him it was alright and no. and after a while i said, "ok, you give me your number" so that he would stop asking. and he agreed. so i keyed in his number infront of him and turns out his name is A (or rather his nickname; they all give themselves nicknames in thailand.). then he said, "test."
ok miss smarty pants a.k.a. shireen decided to just test to show him she really had his number just to make him stop asking. but the moment i pressed the call button, i saw my number appear on his handphone and i went.."oh shit" in my head.
that cheeky tuk tuk driver now had my number! anyway, throughout the ride, he was still being cheeky but in a harmless way and i guess i did enjoy myself and the element of risk made in more thrilling in a way. but i knew i was lucky. he finally did drop me back at my hotel where everyone was waiting for me.
anyway, slightly more than a week later, i had gone to get a new handphone with my mom. my sim card was too full so i had to manually write down some of the phone numbers i wanted to transfer from my old phone to my new phone. one of those numbers was A's. i didn't know whether to transfer his number or not but decided to anyway because it was the only thing i had to remind me of that adventure.
the following day, i was having dinner with a friend and who should call but A! i was really surprised because it was already more than a week since i left phuket and i hadn't seen him or heard from him since then. and there was his name blinking on my phone. hesitantly, i answered the call and heard his familiar voice. we chatted for a short while because we couldn't really understand each other anyway but i managed to listen to his high-pitched laughter again. and as i recalled how he looked like, i suddenly realised he resembled a little hobbit. cheeky face, small-sized and always laughing.
he did call again 2 days later but i let the phone ring too long i guess.
all this happened because of those letters. and guess what? the letter i posted to my family finally arrived in the post TODAY. it was in a bad state. the letter must have gotten wet and the ink had seeped through the paper and stained the envelope. worst part was, my mom opened it and read it out loud in front of me. and i suddenly remembered i had written something about drinking beer in the letter. they were supposed to have received the letter while i was in thailand and i had added that part cheekily so that they would not be able to do anything about it. but i didn't expect my mom to be reading it infront of me today especially after that drunken incident a week or so back. you should have seen her stare. my mom has a very powerful stare by the way.
anyway, i don't feel so shitty whenever things screw up these days. i seem to be able to take it more in stride. i guess it's because i've come to realise that this is life and it is made up of all these inifinite moments which compliment each other and bring me to where i am and where i am going to go. and as long as i try my best and i am true, i don't have to worry. i just have to trust. and every moment is an opportunity to learn and if i have learnt nothing, then it is all in vain. there is never a dead end and there is always a way.
totally related and totally unrelated, i watched star wars: return of the sith last night. i have never really been a diehard star wars fan but i might convert after watcing that show last night. i was really enlightened. you know the whole debate about good and evil? i must admit that sometimes, i don't know how to draw the line especially in an age where everyone is arguing about relativity. but in one scene, the sith lord and anakin were having a conversation about good and evil. what was the difference between a dark lord and a jedi? they were both as powerful. yet, the former was evil and the latter was good. but what determines what is good or evil? evil, said anakin, is driven by passion for one's own power whereas good is driven by selflessness, love. in hearing that, it all suddenly made sense to me. two people can have exactly the same gifts and power but being driven by different things, the outcome is totally different. and in this show, it was easy to see how people get sucked into the darkside. and i realised that the blackhole theory i always use as an analogy is so real. it always starts with something small. it's not our power which makes us evil. it's our weakness for power which does. and only love can conquer this.
it's a really good show if you ignore some of the cheesy bits. there are some very good lessons to bring back about life and love. i'd definitely recommend it to anyone.
there is just so much life i want to share but staring at the computer screen too long has made my eyes tired.
we'll meet again further down the river
and share what we both discovered
and revel in the view...
anyway, it wasn't until 2 saturdays later when i could finally post my letters. we had just checked into our new hotel at phuket and i went out in search of a shop to buy stamps before lunch. i would be back in singapore 2 days later but i just wanted the thrill of posting a letter from overseas and others receiving it back home. so i found myself at a pharmacy buying some stamps.
the lady behind the counter at the pharmacy started chatting with rita and me and she noticed the logo on the t-shirt i was wearing.
"is that your university?" she asked.
"nope, it's my church."i replied. i was wearing a blue polo tee and there was a logo on it that bore the name of the church i attend, the church of saint francis xavier.
"aaah, you're catholic?" she asked excitedly.
"yup." i nodded.
"aaah me too."
i was pretty excited because i really wanted to go for mass in thailand. i couldn't go the week before because i couldn't find a church anywhere. so i asked her whether she knew of any churches around there and was expecting a no. but she told me i could attend mass at Le Meridien Hotel. she even wrote down the times of the english masses for me.
i was so excited that whole saturday. i couldn't believe my luck. i had been really wanting to go for mass. and i had been really wanting to post my letters. and i realised that if i had posted my letters any earlier, i would never have known that there was a mass somewhere near i could attend. and what got me even more excited was the fact that i had been reading the alchemist by paulo coelho on the trip and one of the things that kept being repeated throughout the book was how when your soul desires something, the whole of the universe conspires to make it happen. join the dots.
also, my teeth and gums were really hurting throughout the whole trip. must have been those icecreams i kept eating and the cha yen noms i kept drinking everyday of my trip. so in phuket, i decided to look for a dentist and actually found one. and the dentist didn't charge me a cent because i only went to him for consultation. rita was shopping at the shop across the street from the dentist so i went to meet her. and from there, we suddenly went on a mad shopping spree. i don't know how it happened. but if ALL this didn't happen, we would never have bumped into rita's somewhere guy,
ok, some background info. the night before, we had gone to this shopping centre in phuket where there were all these paintings and photographs on display in the outside amphi-theatre. rita started talking to a budding up and coming photographer and i guess she thought she would never see him again. but who would've thought that we'd bump into him on the streets of patong while shopping on a saturday afternoon?? and we did. and again, i thought to myself. wow, if my teeth had not hurt so much and i had not eaten all those icecreams, we wouldn't have bumped into him. if rita did not know me, and we had never become friends in primary school many years ago, we would never have bumped into the "somewhere" guy. it all just made me go "aaaah" at life and realise that every moment was simply a step to the next and it was ok if things screwed up in our eyes. we just had to trust.
anyway, to continue the story. so i was really excited about mass. after shopping, we met the others on the beach but it started to rain shortly after so we had to run indoors for shelter and soon found ourselves at a thai massage parlour. i had really wanted to go for a thai massage. mass was at 530pm and the massage ended at 5pm. so i bid goodbye to sheryl and rita and went in search of a tuk tuk to bring me to le meridien hotel. i really couldn't wait!
i went to the first tuk tuk driver i saw and asked him how much it was to le meridien hotel. he charged me 200baht at first but i knew it was a rip off because the lady at the pharmacy told me it was about 50-100baht. in the end we settle for 150baht. i'm lousy at bargaining. so we went to le meridien. but when we reached there, the guards on duty refused to allow us to go in. why? because the hotel had been closed for 4 months because of the tsunami! i was like..."shit." had the lady not gone to mass for 4 months? didn't the tuk tuk driver know it was closed? would i be paying 300baht for NOTHING? but i knew i couldn't do much so i just asked the tuk tuk driver to take me back to patong , which he did.
when we reached patong, i handed over my 300 baht to the tuk tuk driver. i felt a bit disappointed but decided that i wouldn't call sheryl or rita but sit by the beach and read instead since it was one of those things i had been wanting to do for a while. so there i was sitting on the sand and eating my pomelo and reading the alchemist when after a while, i heard a man going "hello."
i turned to my left and squating next to me was the tuk tuk driver. i was a bit surprised and said hi. we talked about the hotel being closed and i asked him whether he knew and why hadn't he told me but he could only smile sheepishly and i guess i must've looked a bit disappointed but i said never mind.
"you got some time now?" he asked.
i didn't want to give an answer because the tuk tuk drivers there were like vultures and i didn't want to give this vulture any more of my precious baht.
"you got some time now? i also think too much. i take you around."
i didn't understand what he meant by "too much" though i was thinking it had something to do with my 300baht which was now in his pockets. but i still didn't want to give an answer because i didn't want to pay him any more and what if he wanted to kidnap me?
"i take you around. ok? free?"
hmm...free. i thought about it for like less than 7 seconds and decided hell, why not? next thing i knew, i was getting up and dusting the sand off my bum and following him back to his tuk tuk. i sat infront with him this time and he brought me around the coast line of phuket, showing me karon and kata beach. then he brought me to one of the highest points in phuket called the viewing point where i got a splendid view of the phuket shoreline which really took my breath away and i swore i could've cried. we sat down for a while on a rock just staring out into the sea and the life below and the tuk tuk driver started taking out something from his pocket and rolling it. then he lighted it. it was a cigarette but i was quite worried that it was some kind of drug because i rememberd that before i had gotten into his tuk tuk for the first time, i heard another tuk tuk driver tell me he takes marijuana. i didn't know whether he was joking or not but i was afraid that whatever he was smoking now would make him high and the place was deserted really and who knew what he would do. i knew i was taking a risk the moment i stepped into the tuk tuk actually but i also felt i was living out my ian wright dreams. ah well.
anyway, time was running out and i knew i had to go back cos everyone would be waiting for me back at the hotel to go for dinner. so i told him i had to go and he drove me back all the way to my hotel. for free of course. haha.
on the way back, he was showing me where he goes to drink with his friends and where he goes to smoke marijuana. of course, i kind of lectured him about marijuana. but it was probably just water of a duck's back. that night, my friends and i were actually planning on going to a bar with a good live band. and this guy looked like he might know of good ones so i asked him to recommend me some. instead, he elbowed my elbow and said, "you and me, go tonight?" in a really cheeky way.
"haha nar. i'm going with my friends tonight." i said shyly. i was like oh man what have i got myself into. then he asked whether i had a boyfriend and i should have said yes right but i didn't want to lie so i said no. and he took out his handphone and asked me for my number.
i kept telling him it was alright and no. and after a while i said, "ok, you give me your number" so that he would stop asking. and he agreed. so i keyed in his number infront of him and turns out his name is A (or rather his nickname; they all give themselves nicknames in thailand.). then he said, "test."
ok miss smarty pants a.k.a. shireen decided to just test to show him she really had his number just to make him stop asking. but the moment i pressed the call button, i saw my number appear on his handphone and i went.."oh shit" in my head.
that cheeky tuk tuk driver now had my number! anyway, throughout the ride, he was still being cheeky but in a harmless way and i guess i did enjoy myself and the element of risk made in more thrilling in a way. but i knew i was lucky. he finally did drop me back at my hotel where everyone was waiting for me.
anyway, slightly more than a week later, i had gone to get a new handphone with my mom. my sim card was too full so i had to manually write down some of the phone numbers i wanted to transfer from my old phone to my new phone. one of those numbers was A's. i didn't know whether to transfer his number or not but decided to anyway because it was the only thing i had to remind me of that adventure.
the following day, i was having dinner with a friend and who should call but A! i was really surprised because it was already more than a week since i left phuket and i hadn't seen him or heard from him since then. and there was his name blinking on my phone. hesitantly, i answered the call and heard his familiar voice. we chatted for a short while because we couldn't really understand each other anyway but i managed to listen to his high-pitched laughter again. and as i recalled how he looked like, i suddenly realised he resembled a little hobbit. cheeky face, small-sized and always laughing.
he did call again 2 days later but i let the phone ring too long i guess.
all this happened because of those letters. and guess what? the letter i posted to my family finally arrived in the post TODAY. it was in a bad state. the letter must have gotten wet and the ink had seeped through the paper and stained the envelope. worst part was, my mom opened it and read it out loud in front of me. and i suddenly remembered i had written something about drinking beer in the letter. they were supposed to have received the letter while i was in thailand and i had added that part cheekily so that they would not be able to do anything about it. but i didn't expect my mom to be reading it infront of me today especially after that drunken incident a week or so back. you should have seen her stare. my mom has a very powerful stare by the way.
anyway, i don't feel so shitty whenever things screw up these days. i seem to be able to take it more in stride. i guess it's because i've come to realise that this is life and it is made up of all these inifinite moments which compliment each other and bring me to where i am and where i am going to go. and as long as i try my best and i am true, i don't have to worry. i just have to trust. and every moment is an opportunity to learn and if i have learnt nothing, then it is all in vain. there is never a dead end and there is always a way.
totally related and totally unrelated, i watched star wars: return of the sith last night. i have never really been a diehard star wars fan but i might convert after watcing that show last night. i was really enlightened. you know the whole debate about good and evil? i must admit that sometimes, i don't know how to draw the line especially in an age where everyone is arguing about relativity. but in one scene, the sith lord and anakin were having a conversation about good and evil. what was the difference between a dark lord and a jedi? they were both as powerful. yet, the former was evil and the latter was good. but what determines what is good or evil? evil, said anakin, is driven by passion for one's own power whereas good is driven by selflessness, love. in hearing that, it all suddenly made sense to me. two people can have exactly the same gifts and power but being driven by different things, the outcome is totally different. and in this show, it was easy to see how people get sucked into the darkside. and i realised that the blackhole theory i always use as an analogy is so real. it always starts with something small. it's not our power which makes us evil. it's our weakness for power which does. and only love can conquer this.
it's a really good show if you ignore some of the cheesy bits. there are some very good lessons to bring back about life and love. i'd definitely recommend it to anyone.
there is just so much life i want to share but staring at the computer screen too long has made my eyes tired.
we'll meet again further down the river
and share what we both discovered
and revel in the view...
Monday, May 16, 2005
i got back from thailand on monday night. everything seemed to remind me of something i had seen or felt or heard or tasted or touched or smelt in thailand. but as the days went by, it all started to feel like a dream. i would suddenly remember something and get so excited about it and tell the people nearest to me about it. they'd laugh or smile politely but i guess they'd never really be able to feel it all the way i did. and now, i realise that the memories of the past 2 weeks are all i have left to hold on to of the trip. i did bring a video camera but i didn't capture any footage of the best parts of my trip. those were the times i wanted to be completely overcome by the experience.
as i said in my previous post i think...it's such a shame to forget. i never want to forget. the adventure with the cheeky tuk tuk driver who called himself A. the jam session with the Thai guys in the little tattoo shop in Phuket on that rainy Saturday night. horny ang moh men and young thai girls trying to pick up each other in the clubs and streets of patong, a place which never seems to sleep. sitting on the deck of the boat with our legs dangling over the sides as we left Phi Phi island, with the beach soundtrack plugged into our ears. the way the waves looked as we sailed through the "storm". diving into the plunge pool at the waterfall in khaolak. climbing up and down like water monkeys. the long rides in the song diaos and the back of pick-up trucks and the deadly knots in my dusty hair after that. the soggy gloves and wrinkled hands as a consequence of cement soaking through my gloves. the long trains of transferring bricks. twisting wires till i got addicted. ong and pot. pot and his cheeky smile. the kids we met in the village on the 2nd day. the quaint little old takuapa town. the old couple who ran the laundry service who were harrassed by the unbelievable amount of clothes they suddenly had to wash. the dim sum coffeeshop where we had breakfast. cheap $0.40 crepes and cha-yen noms(iced tea with milk). gorging on 3 ice-creams in a single day. the bartender allowing us to go behind the bar and mix our own drinks. winning the first round of the table quiz and losing hopelessly after that. the nights on the rooftop, looking at stars and talking and eating junk and drinking beer. the cockroach incidents. learning how to use a coil. the last night of the expedition when everyone got drunk and stupid. the karaoke sessions. talking to kun n a.k.a. zombak. kun chawali. rita and i impulsively buying the bbq fish at the market for god-knows-what reason. standing at the back of the song diao, staring at the stars and feeling like we were flying. jun. playing dummy. bint and his stories. writing letters in my little notebook and desperately looking for post offices. big-time shopping in little convenience stores. charades with storekeepers who didn't understand us and vice-versa. curious passerbys. the crazy indian guys in phuket (haha). the 3 of us walking around in our straw hats like the 3 stooges. going to the airport 12 hrs too early on the last day. spending the whole day in the shopping centre after that. standing up to pay our respects to the king of thailand as a video of him was flashed in the cinema just before our show started. sheryl snoring while she sprawled herself out on a few seats in the empty cinema. sheryl's crazy sleeping habits! buying speakers and playing our music everywhere, on the song diao, on the rooftop, in our room. the elephant limestone caves. the boatride to james bond island. the lovely food we had for all our meals. hunting for a dental clinic. mad shopping urges. being flat broke on the last day and stranded in phuket cos we had the wrong flight timing. sheryl getting my dad's swiss army knife confiscated cos she kept it in her hand-carry bag as she needed it for sewing her rainbow-coloured pouch. sheryl's obsession with her rainbow pouch. sheryl getting high. rita and her "somewhere" guy. the taxi drivers hovering around us like vultures. the bautiful music the guitarists at the central festival shopping centre enveloped us in as we peered at the paintings and art pieces on display that first night in phuket. sleeping like a bunch of homeless bums outside starbucks cos it was so early and everything was closed. ant ant ants everywhere. scorching hot sun as we worked at the construction sites. amrit and the concubines. playing charades and soccer during breaks. the girl called naam. hong naam yu ti nai? thao rai? PAENG! hahaha. (where is the toilet? how much? expensive!) the most beautiful sunset i ever saw. the barren lands of khaolak littered with remains of resorts. the navy vessel perched in the strangest location, after being washed ashore by the tsunami. the holes in the walls caused by those deathly waves that december morning last year. where do i start? where do i begin?
where can i end? how do i end?
i don't think i can type out everything here. but these moments, they will continue to live in my dreams and in my memories. when i am sitting on the bus or walking home or sitting in a boring lecture, i will remember these times and smile.
and one more story before i sleep. not a very pleasant bedtime story though. but here goes...
i got drunk for the first and hopefully, LAST time on friday night. it was at a cocktail party at natasha's house. we met natasha on the trip. she's a blast. she thought us how to mix drinks in khaolak on the night the bartender allowed us to get behind the bar and take over. it was so fun that we agreed we'd have a cocktail party once we got back to singapore. but on friday night, i actually didn't feel like going and just wanted to stay at home. but natasha was leaving and i wanted to see them all so i went in the end.
and i got drunk.
like crazy drunk.
ok it seems really funny now but it was HORRIBLE. all i remember was, i had drunk quite a bit and i don't even know what it was i drunk. then next thing i knew, i was coming out of the toilet and sat down on the floor and my friends were around me. and i knew i kept insisting i was ok and was trying to prove it by reciting everyone's name and apparently i got it all screwed up. next thing i knew, i couldn't sit up straight anymore. after that, i think i was on natasha's bed with my head over a plastic bag. think i was puking. and the last thing i knew, i was lying on the bed and heard someone asking me about my parents. then i can't remember anything else after that.
the next morning, i was shocked out of my wits! i opened my eyes and turned to my right and saw natasha lying next to me. and it was all bright already! my first instinct..."my parents are gonna kill me!" i was puzzled to find myself there. then i looked down and realised i wasn't even wearing my own clothes. apparently they had to change me the night before because of my puking i think. and natasha told me some scary things i did which i shall not publicise here. but my gosh! isn't it scary how you can be alive and do stuff and not be conscious of it??? it's scary to me!!
throughout the whole of saturday, i felt as though i were going to die. i puked and puked the whole day, alternating between the bed and the toilet. i was so thirsty but i couldn't even drink water because i would puke it all out the next minute. couldn't eat anything either. i felt so miserable and pathetic. and after each round of puking, i swore i would never drink so much again. i couldn't even stand drinking water from my water bottle because it reminded me of my drinking the night before which made me feel sick and want to puke again. in short, i was traumatised by how sick i was because of the amount of alcohol i had consumed.
today i felt so good because i felt much better and it felt good to feel better and i was so thankful it was over. it felt so good to be sober and conscious and not sick and not feel like puking. it felt good to be able to be in control and eat and drink water and sit up and talk.
i can't believe all this actually happened. even this feels like a dream too, a dream i'm still trying to understand...what an experience! drinking is BAD! no more getting drunk! staying clean for a long time! forever if possible!
guess we need these experiences to make us aware and learn. and thank goodness i was in my friend's house with friends around. i definitely learnt my lesson and i am really very sleepy now and i should stop typing though i know that if i continue another time it won't be the same cos the moment would have passed but sleep is important and i will just have to type about something else next time.
as i said in my previous post i think...it's such a shame to forget. i never want to forget. the adventure with the cheeky tuk tuk driver who called himself A. the jam session with the Thai guys in the little tattoo shop in Phuket on that rainy Saturday night. horny ang moh men and young thai girls trying to pick up each other in the clubs and streets of patong, a place which never seems to sleep. sitting on the deck of the boat with our legs dangling over the sides as we left Phi Phi island, with the beach soundtrack plugged into our ears. the way the waves looked as we sailed through the "storm". diving into the plunge pool at the waterfall in khaolak. climbing up and down like water monkeys. the long rides in the song diaos and the back of pick-up trucks and the deadly knots in my dusty hair after that. the soggy gloves and wrinkled hands as a consequence of cement soaking through my gloves. the long trains of transferring bricks. twisting wires till i got addicted. ong and pot. pot and his cheeky smile. the kids we met in the village on the 2nd day. the quaint little old takuapa town. the old couple who ran the laundry service who were harrassed by the unbelievable amount of clothes they suddenly had to wash. the dim sum coffeeshop where we had breakfast. cheap $0.40 crepes and cha-yen noms(iced tea with milk). gorging on 3 ice-creams in a single day. the bartender allowing us to go behind the bar and mix our own drinks. winning the first round of the table quiz and losing hopelessly after that. the nights on the rooftop, looking at stars and talking and eating junk and drinking beer. the cockroach incidents. learning how to use a coil. the last night of the expedition when everyone got drunk and stupid. the karaoke sessions. talking to kun n a.k.a. zombak. kun chawali. rita and i impulsively buying the bbq fish at the market for god-knows-what reason. standing at the back of the song diao, staring at the stars and feeling like we were flying. jun. playing dummy. bint and his stories. writing letters in my little notebook and desperately looking for post offices. big-time shopping in little convenience stores. charades with storekeepers who didn't understand us and vice-versa. curious passerbys. the crazy indian guys in phuket (haha). the 3 of us walking around in our straw hats like the 3 stooges. going to the airport 12 hrs too early on the last day. spending the whole day in the shopping centre after that. standing up to pay our respects to the king of thailand as a video of him was flashed in the cinema just before our show started. sheryl snoring while she sprawled herself out on a few seats in the empty cinema. sheryl's crazy sleeping habits! buying speakers and playing our music everywhere, on the song diao, on the rooftop, in our room. the elephant limestone caves. the boatride to james bond island. the lovely food we had for all our meals. hunting for a dental clinic. mad shopping urges. being flat broke on the last day and stranded in phuket cos we had the wrong flight timing. sheryl getting my dad's swiss army knife confiscated cos she kept it in her hand-carry bag as she needed it for sewing her rainbow-coloured pouch. sheryl's obsession with her rainbow pouch. sheryl getting high. rita and her "somewhere" guy. the taxi drivers hovering around us like vultures. the bautiful music the guitarists at the central festival shopping centre enveloped us in as we peered at the paintings and art pieces on display that first night in phuket. sleeping like a bunch of homeless bums outside starbucks cos it was so early and everything was closed. ant ant ants everywhere. scorching hot sun as we worked at the construction sites. amrit and the concubines. playing charades and soccer during breaks. the girl called naam. hong naam yu ti nai? thao rai? PAENG! hahaha. (where is the toilet? how much? expensive!) the most beautiful sunset i ever saw. the barren lands of khaolak littered with remains of resorts. the navy vessel perched in the strangest location, after being washed ashore by the tsunami. the holes in the walls caused by those deathly waves that december morning last year. where do i start? where do i begin?
where can i end? how do i end?
i don't think i can type out everything here. but these moments, they will continue to live in my dreams and in my memories. when i am sitting on the bus or walking home or sitting in a boring lecture, i will remember these times and smile.
and one more story before i sleep. not a very pleasant bedtime story though. but here goes...
i got drunk for the first and hopefully, LAST time on friday night. it was at a cocktail party at natasha's house. we met natasha on the trip. she's a blast. she thought us how to mix drinks in khaolak on the night the bartender allowed us to get behind the bar and take over. it was so fun that we agreed we'd have a cocktail party once we got back to singapore. but on friday night, i actually didn't feel like going and just wanted to stay at home. but natasha was leaving and i wanted to see them all so i went in the end.
and i got drunk.
like crazy drunk.
ok it seems really funny now but it was HORRIBLE. all i remember was, i had drunk quite a bit and i don't even know what it was i drunk. then next thing i knew, i was coming out of the toilet and sat down on the floor and my friends were around me. and i knew i kept insisting i was ok and was trying to prove it by reciting everyone's name and apparently i got it all screwed up. next thing i knew, i couldn't sit up straight anymore. after that, i think i was on natasha's bed with my head over a plastic bag. think i was puking. and the last thing i knew, i was lying on the bed and heard someone asking me about my parents. then i can't remember anything else after that.
the next morning, i was shocked out of my wits! i opened my eyes and turned to my right and saw natasha lying next to me. and it was all bright already! my first instinct..."my parents are gonna kill me!" i was puzzled to find myself there. then i looked down and realised i wasn't even wearing my own clothes. apparently they had to change me the night before because of my puking i think. and natasha told me some scary things i did which i shall not publicise here. but my gosh! isn't it scary how you can be alive and do stuff and not be conscious of it??? it's scary to me!!
throughout the whole of saturday, i felt as though i were going to die. i puked and puked the whole day, alternating between the bed and the toilet. i was so thirsty but i couldn't even drink water because i would puke it all out the next minute. couldn't eat anything either. i felt so miserable and pathetic. and after each round of puking, i swore i would never drink so much again. i couldn't even stand drinking water from my water bottle because it reminded me of my drinking the night before which made me feel sick and want to puke again. in short, i was traumatised by how sick i was because of the amount of alcohol i had consumed.
today i felt so good because i felt much better and it felt good to feel better and i was so thankful it was over. it felt so good to be sober and conscious and not sick and not feel like puking. it felt good to be able to be in control and eat and drink water and sit up and talk.
i can't believe all this actually happened. even this feels like a dream too, a dream i'm still trying to understand...what an experience! drinking is BAD! no more getting drunk! staying clean for a long time! forever if possible!
guess we need these experiences to make us aware and learn. and thank goodness i was in my friend's house with friends around. i definitely learnt my lesson and i am really very sleepy now and i should stop typing though i know that if i continue another time it won't be the same cos the moment would have passed but sleep is important and i will just have to type about something else next time.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
i'm leaving for thailand in 12 hours and i'll be there for 2 weeks. we're going to khaolak. i've always wanted to experience what it is like to be a construction worker. sometimes when i'm in the car, i'd look outside and see a truckload of workers being crammed in the back of a lorry as they get carted off to work. at first, they all look the same. then i start to examine their faces individually. some are talking animatedly. some are sleeping. but usually, most are staring into space...dreaming maybe. i start to wonder what they must be thinking of. did they expect their lives to be this way? what were they like when they were 7 or 8. were there people who loved them and were waiting for them to come home? sooo many things...
for some time during the next 2 weeks, i'll be taking a pretty short walk in their shoes. every morning, we will be gathered into lorries and brought to our worksites where we will make and lay bricks to build houses. we'll take breaks at mid-day, away from the hot sun or rain, to eat lunch together. and in the evenings, we'll return the same way we came....
i'm feeling quite scared, yet excited at the same time. touchwood, but you really never know when your last goodbye is your last goodbye. life's like that. always moving. was watching a bit of the inaugeration of pope benedict 16th in between cnn, bbc and channel newsasia just now. pretty amusing that just 2 weeks ago, the body of the late pope john paul was being carried away from the same palce where pope benedict 16th was inaugerated today. life's like that.
i'm excited because i don't know what to expect. i have a rough idea but it's just a rough idea. nothing beats being there yourself. i guess it's scary in a way too. but i'm sure it'll be worth it.
anyway, as i type this, i am listening over and over again to moby's temptation from his hotel album. makes everything feel so surreal right now.
"Up, down, turn around; please don't let me hit the ground
Tonight I think I walk alone to find my soul desire to go home"
anyway, before i go, one last thing....i love you! yes, you, who are reading this right now! =)
(p.s. to A, don't know if you still come here. i have not forgotten you. i will mail you when i get back!)
for some time during the next 2 weeks, i'll be taking a pretty short walk in their shoes. every morning, we will be gathered into lorries and brought to our worksites where we will make and lay bricks to build houses. we'll take breaks at mid-day, away from the hot sun or rain, to eat lunch together. and in the evenings, we'll return the same way we came....
i'm feeling quite scared, yet excited at the same time. touchwood, but you really never know when your last goodbye is your last goodbye. life's like that. always moving. was watching a bit of the inaugeration of pope benedict 16th in between cnn, bbc and channel newsasia just now. pretty amusing that just 2 weeks ago, the body of the late pope john paul was being carried away from the same palce where pope benedict 16th was inaugerated today. life's like that.
i'm excited because i don't know what to expect. i have a rough idea but it's just a rough idea. nothing beats being there yourself. i guess it's scary in a way too. but i'm sure it'll be worth it.
anyway, as i type this, i am listening over and over again to moby's temptation from his hotel album. makes everything feel so surreal right now.
"Up, down, turn around; please don't let me hit the ground
Tonight I think I walk alone to find my soul desire to go home"
anyway, before i go, one last thing....i love you! yes, you, who are reading this right now! =)
(p.s. to A, don't know if you still come here. i have not forgotten you. i will mail you when i get back!)
Saturday, April 23, 2005
i'm starting to feel a bit better these days, about life, about myself. there are times when i feel so tempted to return to the old life..like when i still hear the same old conversations and do the same old things. at those times, it feels like nothing has changed and i see my thoughts heading towards the self-destructive zones that usually accompanied these moments. but these days, i go, "wait a minute. that's not right.." then i engage the reverse gear before i start getting sucked into that blackhole again. see, i realised that it doesn't matter if the things around me don't change. it's me.
anyway, it's quite a nice saturday morning. what say you? i'm the only human being (maybe not the only soul) on the 3rd floor of this library, plugged into Moby (his new Hotel album is pretty good). it's a wonderful feeling having this whole floor to myself. remember what i said about library cubicles and how they were my favourite places? now i feel like i'm in a gigantic library cubicle! haha.
just now, Moby really got a hold on me and thinking noone was around, i started dancing on my seat because hey, why not? how many people get to dance in a library, right? but when i looked up, i saw the photocopy aunty walk past and she was laughing. so i just smiled back at her and we exchanged some words.
seems i have been finding myself in pretty humorous situations throughout yesterday till today. but those are long stories...but looking back, i guess they make me smile. =)
hello to the guy who just walked in and is sitting diagonally opposite me now! you probably don't know i'm talking to you! anyway, welcome! we have the whole 3rd floor to ourselves! you can dance if you want to...i don't mind. maybe i'll laugh, and maybe i'll join you too!
i think being able to remember is a wonderful thing. when you break up with someone or when someone dies or whatever, i think it's a shame to erase from your mind all the moments before that. even if the ending was not "happily-ever-after", it doesn't matter. we don't live for endings, do we? we live for each and every moment. and it is these moments that define us, define life. each moment is a whole new experience on its own, packaged with emotions and thoughts that are unique to it. they are opportunities to learn and to love and to learn to love.
i wish i could sit here longer and continue to allow my thoughts to flow this way to the atmospheric sounds of moby but alas, i have to tear myself away before the z monster has me for lunch!
ok, mr guy-sitting-diagonally-opposite-shireen(don't worry i don't have a crush on him)...you are free to do whatever you want! the whole floor belongs to you now! have a nice day! =)
anyway, it's quite a nice saturday morning. what say you? i'm the only human being (maybe not the only soul) on the 3rd floor of this library, plugged into Moby (his new Hotel album is pretty good). it's a wonderful feeling having this whole floor to myself. remember what i said about library cubicles and how they were my favourite places? now i feel like i'm in a gigantic library cubicle! haha.
just now, Moby really got a hold on me and thinking noone was around, i started dancing on my seat because hey, why not? how many people get to dance in a library, right? but when i looked up, i saw the photocopy aunty walk past and she was laughing. so i just smiled back at her and we exchanged some words.
seems i have been finding myself in pretty humorous situations throughout yesterday till today. but those are long stories...but looking back, i guess they make me smile. =)
hello to the guy who just walked in and is sitting diagonally opposite me now! you probably don't know i'm talking to you! anyway, welcome! we have the whole 3rd floor to ourselves! you can dance if you want to...i don't mind. maybe i'll laugh, and maybe i'll join you too!
i think being able to remember is a wonderful thing. when you break up with someone or when someone dies or whatever, i think it's a shame to erase from your mind all the moments before that. even if the ending was not "happily-ever-after", it doesn't matter. we don't live for endings, do we? we live for each and every moment. and it is these moments that define us, define life. each moment is a whole new experience on its own, packaged with emotions and thoughts that are unique to it. they are opportunities to learn and to love and to learn to love.
i wish i could sit here longer and continue to allow my thoughts to flow this way to the atmospheric sounds of moby but alas, i have to tear myself away before the z monster has me for lunch!
ok, mr guy-sitting-diagonally-opposite-shireen(don't worry i don't have a crush on him)...you are free to do whatever you want! the whole floor belongs to you now! have a nice day! =)
Tuesday, April 19, 2005
ok i really slacked huh? but i think i've slacked in all areas of my life. not sure how it happened but it seems like i allowed myself to spiral into a blackhole.
you often wonder why is it that the people who should not be depressed get depressed. well, i often wonder about that anyway. like why is it that a girl who is constantly showered with compliments and always getting hit on can't stand to look at herself in the mirror because she thinks she's the ugliest thing that ever came into existence. or that guy who's always doing so well in school and is the object of envy of others....why is it that he feels like the world's biggest loser because he can never get the number of A pluses he aims for, an aim that always gets higher when it's met. so that it's always unreachable. i mean, sometimes it seems like these people have everything and are the winners. yet, why are they so sad? what could WE, who are much more of the "losers" than they are, possibly do to help them? shower them with more compliments? tell them how wonderful they are? but we already know that it won't help them. they'll continue to be depressed. they'll continue to always feel that big hole in the middle of them. noone can help them. not us, at least.
well, so i often wondered about these people. perhaps got angry and thought they were attention-seeking. put my own judgements on them. until recently, when i started to turn into one of them, taking a walk in their shoes.
seriously. i think i am quite blessed. i have a big comfortable home and a lovely family i can come home to everyday. we fight sometimes, maybe alot of times, but we're still ok. i am getting a good education in a university where i am not doing too badly. perhaps i have friends who get more As or A+s than me but i'm still doing ok. i have many friends who are concerned for me and include me in their activities and conversations. they really put up with my nonsense. i get compliments from time to time from people.
yet, i've been feeling so blue these past few weeks, or months. but it's been getting so bad these past few weeks. at times, i'd really hate looking at myself or i'd be so afraid to leave the house and go out because i'd be feeling so ugly and insecure, inside AND outside. i'd turn something so small into something so big and beat myself up about it, telling myself that it'd be better if noone sees me. sometimes, i'd wish i was more confident, or prettier. i'd wish i had smoother skin or was more athletic. very silly things. and then knowing that i'm not, i'd feel so lousy and worthless and feel that i'm not worthy of anyone's love. if i get hurt, i wouldn't hold it against the person. i would think that it was because there was something wrong with me. that i lacked something. but then i would tell myself, "hey shireen, how can you think that way? the fact that you're born makes you worthy. you should embrace and accept your uniqueness. you are special. if this is how you think of yourself, then what would you be thinking about other pple who aren't even half as blessed as you? you are sooo blessed, what's wrong with you? what happened to all the love you always preach about??"
then, i'd start feeling worse because of that. because i know i don't have a right to feel so sad and yet feel so sad anyway. i guess i get so sad because it gets so lonely. because i see all these flaws in myself which i wish i could change because i think that people wouldn't be able to stand me if they saw through me. and because i know that is who i am and i get so afraid of being rejected for being merely who i am, i run away all the time. it seems safer to be away from people.
i've been running away alot. when i'm with friends, i'd come up with a really silly excuse and then the moment i'm alone, i'd release my tears as i walk off by myself. because it is so painful and so hard hiding all this in me, holding all this in my heart. it's so hard pretending infront of my friends, my family. and when my friends talk about pretty guys and girls, or about the latest gossip or their future plans, it's so hard to pretend i enjoy these conversations when the content of these conversations only serve to remind me of what a loser i am. or rather, think i am.
basically, it's just this utter feeling of worthlessness. it's a very lonely and low feeling. and what's scary about this state is that it reinforces itself. you literally fall into your own blackhole and you go deeper and deeper. so when you wonder about all these people who have everything and yet feel like they have nothing, you should know that it started from something small which took on a life of its own and became a self-destructing, growing black hole. it always starts from something simple, something small.
as a result of all this, i started becoming so anti-social and self-absorbed, always running and constantly focusing on and picking at my "scabs" all the time. i spoke to my family less. i became very nonchalant about alot of things. i became very selfish. i felt like shit knowing i had become all this and felt so weak and helpless because i didn't want to be this way but was anyway. this was not the shireen i knew or wanted to be. perhaps it was the ghost of a shireen who existed once before. i hated it. and this loathing reinforced my sense of unworthiness. it's a vicious cycle.
and on sunday, as we were having our weekly family session, i told my family to excuse me if i was quiet. that i wasn't angry with them but that i just had to deal with some stuff inside of me and hoped they would understand. when everyone left the room, my mom called me back and asked me what's wrong. i tried to pretend that nothing was but my tears couldn't stand being dammed up any further. and for the first time, i finally told someone how i'd been driving my ownself crazy these past few weeks. it felt so good to release all this but as i heard myself speaking all those words, i realised that i had turned into someone else. someone i never thought i'd be. one of those people i had often wondered about. (as mentioned above).
and the next day, as i took a walk in some neighbourhood in the evening, i started thinking about all that had been going on in me, what i had heard myself telling my mom, all the pretense and finally realising who i really was now...and i decided that it was time to pick myself up. to break this vicious cycle. it felt strange because it meant that i would have to stop beating myself up. yes, that is strange because i've been doing it for so long. it felt strange to love myself and feel good about myself. it felt almost wrong. and you know there's something grossly wrong when you feel that way because of that.
and now, i am determined to get out of this web. i want to be free. and i don't want to hide anymore. i know i can. because i have done it before. there was a time when i was high on life and love. a time when i loved myself and everyone around. a time when i wanted to be so much more. i don't have to be stuck where i am. the only one who has imprisoned me in this darkness and loneliness is myself. dear god, please give me the strength and courage to turn the key and get out of this cage which has been my HOME for so long.
i wanted to put up a post for so long. so many times, i came here, typed a few words, and just couldn't continue. i felt empty of hope to give people. i felt i had nothing to look forward to. i felt tired and jaded. then i would log out. but i hope this entry gives you hope.
if you are someone who has been hiding all these thoughts and insecurities alone inside yourself for so long and feel so trapped and so sad, i hope that this post may give you at least a bit of hope. i hope that it may have been able to convince you that you don't have to be that person you think you are. that person who is always wandering around in the darkness that has become your "home" and your only friend. it is neither a home nor a friend. there is no love there.
i want you to know that the very first step is to be honest with yourself, to stop pretending. even if you are pretending to the world at large, at least stop pretending to yourself first. accept who you are now and what you have become. it may be an ugly sight. it may be shocking. but accept it. then make a decision for yourself. you HAVE the POWER to change. because we have all been given the POWER to make a CHOICE. noone can take that away.
you don't have to hide anymore. you are more beautiful than you think you are.
you often wonder why is it that the people who should not be depressed get depressed. well, i often wonder about that anyway. like why is it that a girl who is constantly showered with compliments and always getting hit on can't stand to look at herself in the mirror because she thinks she's the ugliest thing that ever came into existence. or that guy who's always doing so well in school and is the object of envy of others....why is it that he feels like the world's biggest loser because he can never get the number of A pluses he aims for, an aim that always gets higher when it's met. so that it's always unreachable. i mean, sometimes it seems like these people have everything and are the winners. yet, why are they so sad? what could WE, who are much more of the "losers" than they are, possibly do to help them? shower them with more compliments? tell them how wonderful they are? but we already know that it won't help them. they'll continue to be depressed. they'll continue to always feel that big hole in the middle of them. noone can help them. not us, at least.
well, so i often wondered about these people. perhaps got angry and thought they were attention-seeking. put my own judgements on them. until recently, when i started to turn into one of them, taking a walk in their shoes.
seriously. i think i am quite blessed. i have a big comfortable home and a lovely family i can come home to everyday. we fight sometimes, maybe alot of times, but we're still ok. i am getting a good education in a university where i am not doing too badly. perhaps i have friends who get more As or A+s than me but i'm still doing ok. i have many friends who are concerned for me and include me in their activities and conversations. they really put up with my nonsense. i get compliments from time to time from people.
yet, i've been feeling so blue these past few weeks, or months. but it's been getting so bad these past few weeks. at times, i'd really hate looking at myself or i'd be so afraid to leave the house and go out because i'd be feeling so ugly and insecure, inside AND outside. i'd turn something so small into something so big and beat myself up about it, telling myself that it'd be better if noone sees me. sometimes, i'd wish i was more confident, or prettier. i'd wish i had smoother skin or was more athletic. very silly things. and then knowing that i'm not, i'd feel so lousy and worthless and feel that i'm not worthy of anyone's love. if i get hurt, i wouldn't hold it against the person. i would think that it was because there was something wrong with me. that i lacked something. but then i would tell myself, "hey shireen, how can you think that way? the fact that you're born makes you worthy. you should embrace and accept your uniqueness. you are special. if this is how you think of yourself, then what would you be thinking about other pple who aren't even half as blessed as you? you are sooo blessed, what's wrong with you? what happened to all the love you always preach about??"
then, i'd start feeling worse because of that. because i know i don't have a right to feel so sad and yet feel so sad anyway. i guess i get so sad because it gets so lonely. because i see all these flaws in myself which i wish i could change because i think that people wouldn't be able to stand me if they saw through me. and because i know that is who i am and i get so afraid of being rejected for being merely who i am, i run away all the time. it seems safer to be away from people.
i've been running away alot. when i'm with friends, i'd come up with a really silly excuse and then the moment i'm alone, i'd release my tears as i walk off by myself. because it is so painful and so hard hiding all this in me, holding all this in my heart. it's so hard pretending infront of my friends, my family. and when my friends talk about pretty guys and girls, or about the latest gossip or their future plans, it's so hard to pretend i enjoy these conversations when the content of these conversations only serve to remind me of what a loser i am. or rather, think i am.
basically, it's just this utter feeling of worthlessness. it's a very lonely and low feeling. and what's scary about this state is that it reinforces itself. you literally fall into your own blackhole and you go deeper and deeper. so when you wonder about all these people who have everything and yet feel like they have nothing, you should know that it started from something small which took on a life of its own and became a self-destructing, growing black hole. it always starts from something simple, something small.
as a result of all this, i started becoming so anti-social and self-absorbed, always running and constantly focusing on and picking at my "scabs" all the time. i spoke to my family less. i became very nonchalant about alot of things. i became very selfish. i felt like shit knowing i had become all this and felt so weak and helpless because i didn't want to be this way but was anyway. this was not the shireen i knew or wanted to be. perhaps it was the ghost of a shireen who existed once before. i hated it. and this loathing reinforced my sense of unworthiness. it's a vicious cycle.
and on sunday, as we were having our weekly family session, i told my family to excuse me if i was quiet. that i wasn't angry with them but that i just had to deal with some stuff inside of me and hoped they would understand. when everyone left the room, my mom called me back and asked me what's wrong. i tried to pretend that nothing was but my tears couldn't stand being dammed up any further. and for the first time, i finally told someone how i'd been driving my ownself crazy these past few weeks. it felt so good to release all this but as i heard myself speaking all those words, i realised that i had turned into someone else. someone i never thought i'd be. one of those people i had often wondered about. (as mentioned above).
and the next day, as i took a walk in some neighbourhood in the evening, i started thinking about all that had been going on in me, what i had heard myself telling my mom, all the pretense and finally realising who i really was now...and i decided that it was time to pick myself up. to break this vicious cycle. it felt strange because it meant that i would have to stop beating myself up. yes, that is strange because i've been doing it for so long. it felt strange to love myself and feel good about myself. it felt almost wrong. and you know there's something grossly wrong when you feel that way because of that.
and now, i am determined to get out of this web. i want to be free. and i don't want to hide anymore. i know i can. because i have done it before. there was a time when i was high on life and love. a time when i loved myself and everyone around. a time when i wanted to be so much more. i don't have to be stuck where i am. the only one who has imprisoned me in this darkness and loneliness is myself. dear god, please give me the strength and courage to turn the key and get out of this cage which has been my HOME for so long.
i wanted to put up a post for so long. so many times, i came here, typed a few words, and just couldn't continue. i felt empty of hope to give people. i felt i had nothing to look forward to. i felt tired and jaded. then i would log out. but i hope this entry gives you hope.
if you are someone who has been hiding all these thoughts and insecurities alone inside yourself for so long and feel so trapped and so sad, i hope that this post may give you at least a bit of hope. i hope that it may have been able to convince you that you don't have to be that person you think you are. that person who is always wandering around in the darkness that has become your "home" and your only friend. it is neither a home nor a friend. there is no love there.
i want you to know that the very first step is to be honest with yourself, to stop pretending. even if you are pretending to the world at large, at least stop pretending to yourself first. accept who you are now and what you have become. it may be an ugly sight. it may be shocking. but accept it. then make a decision for yourself. you HAVE the POWER to change. because we have all been given the POWER to make a CHOICE. noone can take that away.
you don't have to hide anymore. you are more beautiful than you think you are.
Thursday, March 31, 2005
i really hate editting. i think editting is such a hassle! right now, i have to edit my analytical skills individual assignment. 5-6 pages report where i'm supposed to critically analyse an essay and determine how sound or valid or logical it is. so last saturday, i overcame the strong repulsive forces of inertia which kept me procrastinating on this assignment for so long. so i finally managed to churn out my 5 pages of two-cents worth on what this dude called michael levin thought about torture.
i have to hand in my assignment tomorrow but i realise i have sooo much to edit because i typed my report out in a very messy and illogical way. looks as though i dropped my brain there with its contents and it went splat. and two days ago, i typed out my part for our MA group project and i just spit whatever i could out but editting after that was a chore which drove neil mad. thus, this is what i conclude.
if we do things with 100% effort and live as if we are determined to get it right the first time and not take time and second chances for granted, we would most probably be able to avoid this arduous task of editting. i should have kept this in mind when i started out my report instead of throwing out every single thing. i should have editted there and then after each sentence. that's the problem with procrastination and when it becomes a habit, it eats into everything. you let the mess pile up so much that cleaning up later is one big headache, or a few.
editting is a necessary part of life and perhaps i wouldn't have hated it so much if i did it more frequently. cut it away the moment i see it growing. add it the moment i know it should be there. when we wait too long, sometimes we don't even know where what is anymore and so it's hard to see what's wrong but we know it doesn't seem right overall. it's too much trouble to find all those small little mistakes so we just leave them there longer and longer. it's a vicious cycle. the only way to break it is to have one big overhaul. one big spring-cleaning session. empty out the whole wardrobe of crumpled clothes and fold each one nicely again.
ok back to my assignment. i must finish this! i must!
i have to hand in my assignment tomorrow but i realise i have sooo much to edit because i typed my report out in a very messy and illogical way. looks as though i dropped my brain there with its contents and it went splat. and two days ago, i typed out my part for our MA group project and i just spit whatever i could out but editting after that was a chore which drove neil mad. thus, this is what i conclude.
if we do things with 100% effort and live as if we are determined to get it right the first time and not take time and second chances for granted, we would most probably be able to avoid this arduous task of editting. i should have kept this in mind when i started out my report instead of throwing out every single thing. i should have editted there and then after each sentence. that's the problem with procrastination and when it becomes a habit, it eats into everything. you let the mess pile up so much that cleaning up later is one big headache, or a few.
editting is a necessary part of life and perhaps i wouldn't have hated it so much if i did it more frequently. cut it away the moment i see it growing. add it the moment i know it should be there. when we wait too long, sometimes we don't even know where what is anymore and so it's hard to see what's wrong but we know it doesn't seem right overall. it's too much trouble to find all those small little mistakes so we just leave them there longer and longer. it's a vicious cycle. the only way to break it is to have one big overhaul. one big spring-cleaning session. empty out the whole wardrobe of crumpled clothes and fold each one nicely again.
ok back to my assignment. i must finish this! i must!
Saturday, March 26, 2005
sometimes, in order to let go of the big things, we have to let go of the really small things. and i mean really, really small things. who would've thought something so small could cause your heart to stop for a few seconds? and it's painful to watch as the old life you once craved and perhaps still hold on to fades away bit by bit. and you feel really helpless and sad knowing all you can do is watch because holding on won't do you any good. the only good part about all this is hope. in the fact that all this is for some greater good and that if we trust and obey the flow, this river will lead us to something much more beautiful and lovely.
it feels like a punch in my stomach but i got through the toughest part so i'll get through this too....
it feels like a punch in my stomach but i got through the toughest part so i'll get through this too....
Monday, March 21, 2005
u know how they say you're enjoying life when time just races past you? seems like time is breaking records in my life. however, there are some exceptions. see, at first i thought it was because i was really enjoying my days. (i am, actually)
BUT.
but i also think it's because there is just so much to do now. but that's not the reason. the reason is my terrible habit of procrastinating which i am not proud of at all. sometimes i procrastinate just to pass the time because i have lots of it. but now, i DON'T have lots of time but the habit has stuck and i am just counting the seconds till i'm done for if i don't do something. didn't someone say sloth was a deadly sin?
yesterday i almost choked and died while having dinner because of joyce. i can't help it. everytime i look up and see her whacko face or hear anything that comes out of her mouth, i am possessed by laughter. and why does it always have to happen when my mouth is full? it's painful! and there am i was trying to finish my food fast because all their parking coupons were expiring, and there they were trying their best to make sure i laugh my whole stomach out! evil!
and today at lunch, she was about to pull the same stunt again. i gave her a stern warning.
this morning when i woke up, i just lay on my bed for a really long time. there is just so much to do this week and the thought of all the things i had to finish just paralysed me and i lay like a vegetable on my bed. then i got up.
BUT.
but i also think it's because there is just so much to do now. but that's not the reason. the reason is my terrible habit of procrastinating which i am not proud of at all. sometimes i procrastinate just to pass the time because i have lots of it. but now, i DON'T have lots of time but the habit has stuck and i am just counting the seconds till i'm done for if i don't do something. didn't someone say sloth was a deadly sin?
yesterday i almost choked and died while having dinner because of joyce. i can't help it. everytime i look up and see her whacko face or hear anything that comes out of her mouth, i am possessed by laughter. and why does it always have to happen when my mouth is full? it's painful! and there am i was trying to finish my food fast because all their parking coupons were expiring, and there they were trying their best to make sure i laugh my whole stomach out! evil!
and today at lunch, she was about to pull the same stunt again. i gave her a stern warning.
this morning when i woke up, i just lay on my bed for a really long time. there is just so much to do this week and the thought of all the things i had to finish just paralysed me and i lay like a vegetable on my bed. then i got up.