it's funny. the big As seem to be getting smaller the nearer they draw. everyone around me seems to be getting more and more uptight. as though they are about to enter into judgement day. they're getting all impatient and petty(over the smallest things) and jumpy and SUPER KANCHIONG. ok. it's not everyone. just a few. but i study with them often. and the more stressed they seem to be getting, the more relaxed i am finding myself to be.

i guess it's because i don't think it's all that big and scary a monster as i made it out to be at first. i guess it's because i know my whole life doesn't depend on it, though many would argue otherwise. but i'm not saying that this gives me a right to slack. cos hey, i'm in this already. and everything we do is a total waste of time and effort if we don't give it our best, right?

it feels good not to cling. clinging is really tiring. and boring. and the anxiety and waiting just kills us slowly. letting go is so much better. at least, we get somewhere. and when we let go with faith, there is no room for worry. just enjoy the ride on the way. worry is so tiring. it's just a waste of time and effort too. it does nothing but wear us out and weigh us down. maybe that's why i'm not getting that stressed. it's just too much trouble.

and as a proffesional bum, that's just a no-no. it's like waking up at 6am when you can wake up at noon. haha. err....

it seems that the more happening life gets, the less i blog. and now as i'm blogging, i feel an obligation to. a whole episode has just passed me by. in the recent weeks.

i was happy. then i was sad. like a bubble a child blew just so he could marvel at it, but then decided to poke it before it rose too high and he couldn't reach it anymore. why can't we just let those bubbles be? but they burst anyway. because nothing is permament. it will all pass us by. knowing this and accepting it, i am able to let it all go and be happy again.

i learnt many things.

about the inconstant, rash, unpredictable and sometimes foolish human heart. as much as we can't help but fall in love with the beauty we see in others, we must always remember that. people fall. people change. people change their minds. people change their hearts. we can never fully depend on anyone. when we love, we are taking a giant leap of trust. of courage. yes, the heart is such a delicate, fragile thing. simple and yet, so complex, all at once. and understanding this, i have been able to find in my own heart, a place for forgiveness. and the strength to let go.

that there is no hurry. there is no rush. there is no room for worry. for there is a time for everything. and what we have, we should treasure and nurture. to throw it all away in one rash act, governed by desire...was it really worth it? it might have been. and it might have not. and knowing this too, i have been able to let go.

that when things are right infront of you at a particular moment, they may SEEM like the biggest things in your life. but do not be disillusioned. an illusion can be the mastermind of a really cruel game. and often is. knowing this, we must never lose sight of the things that matter most. even when we can't see it so well. or not even at all. it takes faith. and faith is more reliable than our own eyes.

that everything DOES happen for a reason. at the time it should happen. that there is a reason for all that heartbreak and distress. we should appreciate those painful moments. rising out of it, we become stronger than ever. and go through life more gracefully. sink in self-misery, self-pity, self-hate and self-everything, we fall deeper and deeper into our own black-holes. and what happens when you fall into a black hole?

i learnt that my heartbreak and distress could help me put a smile on someone else's face and make one believe that it's possible for things to actually get better. i learnt that someone else's heartbreak and distress could do the same for me. we aren't here just for ourselves.

that we can find solace in the most unexpected places. that things can turn out totally different from anything we'd ever expect. and the cool part is, they usually turn out better than we'd ever expect them to. if only we'd just try to see that and not be tied down by what WE want.

yes, i have learnt all this and much more. God works in the most mysterious ways, strange and wonderful, all at once. i'm truly amazed. and it's just awesome to be able to see magic in all things. yes, God's continuously working his miracles in all things. if only we could see.

and i learnt that at this moment, i have found myself to be hopelessly addicted to "hey ya" by outkast. anti-climax. haha. i'm sleepy!!

a long day looms ahead. and i should be in a foul mood if i've been robbed of precious minutes of sleep. later!

"Now here is my secret: you can only see things deeply with your heart. What is essential is invisible to the eye."

"Yes," I said to the little prince. "Whether it is a house, or stars, or the desert, what makes their beauty is invisible."

i am so amazed by the uncertainties and unpredictabilities of life. the way things work out in the least expected ways. and totally turn our worlds upside down and make us question all that we thought we once knew. and then, out of the blue, nothing is the same anymore.

i am in an utter state of confusion. a million and one things spinning through my mind, like a restless whirlwind.

is it A, B ,C or D? can i use my life-line? what about 50-50? what does the audience have to say about this?

then, without a clue whatsoever...

so, what about E?

E? what's that all about? you mean there's an E? could it be...E? is this for real???

it's chaotic. it's a lil sad. it's such a tease.

and strangely, it's also beautiful.

saturdays are lovely.

i love saturdays. don't you?

no i haven't died. and i haven't given up on blogging. ;)

just feeling so utterly tired nowadays. i don't know why. but i have this inkling that it's because i've been thinking way too much for my own good. about...things.

my soul seems heavy. it seems to take way too much effort to drag it around. as though i were heaving a rotting carcass on my back. it seems too tiring to live, to talk, to smile, to open my eyes, to sleep, to eat, to be.

i want to be so much more than i am now. i want to change so many things. i want to say so much. i want to go somewhere.

but i don't know how. either that, or i'm just too afraid to. day by day, i seem to be losing that spark in me. till i now wonder whether it was ever really there. there's only so much brands essence of chicken i can gulp down in a day, right?

it appears to me that i've been worrying too much. i seem to be losing faith. in myself, in people, in my life, in god. i seemed to have let doubt creep into the crevices of my mind and slowly, i'm losing trust in the most important things. the things that matter. what's happening? why?

it's funny that when i start losing sight of things, i start wondering whether they ever existed in the first place. but a tiny glimmer of faith still remains. and a dash of hope too. that those things have always been there. and i want to stop fighting this losing battle. with worry and anxiety, i can never win. it's a sure way to suicide, in all sense of the word. sometimes i wonder if at times, i turned my depression into my heroine. the perfect drug for self-destruction. something tells me that i should just let go. to stop clinging on to such things. to unlock the chains i chained unto myself and just float away into the new day....

and a nagging voice amidst all the chicken voices in my head tells me that i should get up off my fat ass and do something about IT. now.

and a beautiful song which says it all for the moment : Bigger than my Body - John Mayer

can we ever really be free?
there is always something we're yearning for
love, happiness, a friend, a chocolate, a great figure, revenge, to feel....
we're so tied down by the shackles of desire and sometimes maybe greed.
there is always something left to be yearned for.
to be free is to want nothing.
for nothing can keep you captive no more.

"he who wants nothing is invincible."
(valuable quote from the corniest mexiCAN movie ever, Once Upon A Time In Mexico)
he is free.

but i can't imagine a life like that.
what we yearn for makes up the essence of who we are.
so maybe i don't want to be COMPLETELY and UTTERLY free.
so there'll always be something to look forward to.

freedom,how sweet the sound.
but it would mean absolute contentment.
and do i want that?
i really don't know...

"the seaweed is always greener, on somebody else's lake."

results. we got them back yesterday. a sordid affair. so emotionally traumatising. before you can get over the trauma from one paper, another is thrown at you. they gave it ALL back at once.

"190!"

"here! what the..hey how much is this upon? oh my good..."

"190!"

"yes yes here! physics paper 3 shit have to go for the stupid saturday reme.."

"190!"

that was how it was like. (my index no is 190). hands shaking, eyes unblinking, heart thumping at 100 beats per second ready to jump out of my mouth...i was so totally overwhelmed i did not know which paper to start with first.

i really don't know what to make of these results. because i have never studied so hard in my life. i think. and i have to start thinking (should have started long ago) what the hell i'm supposed to do with my life. where....? what....? which...?

but i know that at the end of the day, this is all nothing. it will all fade away one day. that night, as i closed my eyes, the question was asked. "who do YOU say i am?" and at once, all i saw was darkness except a glimmer of light in the midst of it. only one thing will remain. YOU are everything. all others will cease to exist one day and fade into the blackness of nothingness. all except YOU, the everlasting.

so all you who feel despondent and discouraged cos of the results, dont be. it's nothing. nothing! why work so hard for it then? well, my reason is because we're already here. what's the point of trying then? if we'll reach the same end anyway? hey, what's the point of NOT trying?

i wouldn't trade it for anything.

a holiday really does wonders for the mind, body and soul.

if you're feeling so utterly tired of life right now, if you're feeling as though you just need a break from the shit-hole you're living in, if you're feeling jaded by your monotonous way of life, it's your whole entire being telling you, "hey, it's time to go for a holiday." a proper one. and nope, i don't mean a permanent one, no.

club med's good. they should pay me. i've turned into a walking club med advertisement! woohoo!

really, there's just too much to say. i'm overwhelmed. come ask me personally if you wanna know more about it. anyway, school's starting soon. until then, not touching no books till monday. just gonna relax a bit, watch some tv, read a book, indulge in some good music...blabla.

it's your life. you can pretty much do just about anything you want with it, no?

He's so amazing. In just 3 days, He can do all that to people. He listens to the smallest cries of distress, even when you think noone's listening or watching. and it doesn't go ignored. it's hard to worry when you know He's always here. He held my hand as i walked through new rough terrains where everyone was none but a stranger. and when He came into the room that night, my eyes did not see Him but my soul knew. and the tears just streamed down. and i knew. why He loves me so much, i still don't know. but thank you for loving me so much.

the words escape me. they do no justice anyway.

***

quick update: i was at a retreat from friday till yesterday. i went tired and with a heavy heart, wondering how i would get through it. i left with a smile on my face and a grin in my heart.

***

i'll be going to clubmed at bintan with sheryl tomorrow. which means that i'll be away from home for 3 days. again...i'm rather excited. but sheryl and i were wondering where to buy pep spray from. and we've been coming up with plans to avoid cuckoo stalkers in case there are any. and we're seriously hoping and praying there are no deranged bombermen there with no better way to dispose of their surplus explosives. my brother keeps insisting we should have gone for a cruise instead. actually i don't mind that too. anyway, hope we'll have a really fine time there. make our 4oo plus buckeroos worth it!!

now, what should i pack??

have you had that feeling, how when you suddenly have so many things to do in your life, that you just don't feel like doing anything at all? or how when there are just so many people you have to meet, that you just don't feel like meeting anyone at all? or how when there's just so much to say, that you just don't feel like saying anything at all?

right now, it's 17 minutes into the new day. today marks a really important day in my life. a turning point. a decision i'm making for myself and which life has made for me. i tell myself it's all for the better, to snap me out of the staleness i've been living in for so long. but am i just kidding myself? am i just consoling myself for something i'm gonna lose? am i gonna lose something important to me because of this? i'm sad and i'm worried because it's not a sure thing. there are so many things i would've loved to have done to put a stop to this anxiety, such unnecessary anxiety. but i fear the regrets that might come thereafter. i'd rather live with the hope that all is not lost than know for sure that it is. but i guess that's the reason why it's all getting stale.

so, today is a turning point. whether i like it or not, i must move on. i must embrace the new day and the new life ahead of me. it's going to be tough. i know it is. even though i tell myself it's no biggie.

i hope an answer may come to me one day, that i'll find it. i hope i'll know what to do about this whole thing. i hope i'll get through this and live to tell it without shedding a tear too many.

Dear God, please help me. Thank you.

(p.s. no, i didn't break up or anything. so that means, i leave you clueless again. =P )