i know i'm being cruel. but i fear that if i grow soft and let my guard down, things will never change. i just don't know if it's worth it.
so what do you think of this?
"i came up with a new game show idea recently. it's called, "The Old Show". you get 3 old guys with loaded guns on stage. they look back at their lives, see who they were, what they accomplished, how close they came to realising their dreams. the winner is the one who doesn't blow his brains out. he gets a refrigerator." - Chuck Barris, Confessions of a Dangerous Mind
Saturday, February 14, 2004
Wednesday, February 11, 2004
i took my dog for a walk just now. he charged towards the gate of a house, to confront a german shepherd twice his size barking its head on the other side of it. in the process, i twisted my ankle. but i was just too nonchalant and numb to bother giving him a piece of my mind.
life throws shit at me nowadays. and i just take it.
i'm just too bored and fed up to do anything about it. after a while, it's all the same and i get used to it.
i know i'll change my mind about what i'm saying now later or tomorrow. cos life isn't as bad as it appears in these words.
but life, in my state of mind, seems to be so.
if only we could all embrace life just as it is, and not how it looks through our filtered lenses. but emotions get in the way...all the time. and we can't wish them away. we need them to experience life.
i never thought i'd say this but...ah, whatever...
life throws shit at me nowadays. and i just take it.
i'm just too bored and fed up to do anything about it. after a while, it's all the same and i get used to it.
i know i'll change my mind about what i'm saying now later or tomorrow. cos life isn't as bad as it appears in these words.
but life, in my state of mind, seems to be so.
if only we could all embrace life just as it is, and not how it looks through our filtered lenses. but emotions get in the way...all the time. and we can't wish them away. we need them to experience life.
i never thought i'd say this but...ah, whatever...
Wednesday, February 04, 2004
i don't have much time left to sleep. and i'm feeling really tired. so this is gonna be short. i don't know about sweet.
first day of work today. it's so strange sitting infront of a desk the whole day. surrounded by people doing the same. it appears like a very ordinary normal human thing to do. but to me, it's just plain strange.
and i miss bumming! i never hated it. it's funny how i was so envious of them who had jobs. but i can't complain now because i made this choice because i felt i had to. but it just seems so....stupid. i have no better word. or range of vocabulary. which is also true.
the only unfun thing about bumming now is that there are very few bummers left. and i have just reduced the bumforce. i'm sorry!
another strange day at work doing strange human things tomorrow. i might be coming down with the peter pan syndrome. hmmmm....
first day of work today. it's so strange sitting infront of a desk the whole day. surrounded by people doing the same. it appears like a very ordinary normal human thing to do. but to me, it's just plain strange.
and i miss bumming! i never hated it. it's funny how i was so envious of them who had jobs. but i can't complain now because i made this choice because i felt i had to. but it just seems so....stupid. i have no better word. or range of vocabulary. which is also true.
the only unfun thing about bumming now is that there are very few bummers left. and i have just reduced the bumforce. i'm sorry!
another strange day at work doing strange human things tomorrow. i might be coming down with the peter pan syndrome. hmmmm....
Friday, January 30, 2004
A Tribute to Rain
i was in the car with my parents on saturday night, on the way to dinner. it was raining. i can't remember when the last sunny day was. and my dad had an ominous foreboding. "it's gonna rain for 40 days and 40 nights," he said casually. of course, my first instinct was to brush that comment aside as a joke. but another part of me was actually afraid that this passing trivial sentence would actually be the truth.
and it seems so too. it's been raining EVERYDAY since...i can't remember when. as i said, i can't remember when the last sunny day actually was. and every morning when i wake up and look out of my window and gaze at the pouring rain, the sentence keeps replaying in my head. "it's gonna rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
it's such a bummer. it's such a drag going out because:
1) you have to bring an umbrella.
2) you have to carry around a wet, dripping umbrella when you're indoors.
3) you have to take the loner routes instead of cutting across fields to avoid caking your beautiful shoes, feet and pants in mud.
4) you will get wet anyway. no point in looking good before you leave the house.
5) you might get splashed by cars causing an unexpected tsunami while walking along the road.
and you can't do so many things. i mean, you could if you wanted to but you'd just get drenched and maybe fall sick too. on monday, we had planned to go cycling at 7am. but it was raining. so we waited until 10.30. it was raining. but we psycho-ed ourselves into thinking it was getting lighter. it was so frustrating being cooped up like that when we had been really looking forward to this cycling date. so yes, we went ahead anyway. after cycling at the most, 200m, the heavens unleashed its fury on us. we could hardly open our eyes. and had to turn back. and we took shelter at my house. my friends were busy jamming in my room while i was entertaining a call from my grandma. i feel bad, and yet i'm still not making the effort. she's getting old. old = lonely, cynical and insecure. wow, that sounds alot like alot of pple. means i'm getting as old as the next person is. haha.
well, the rain did stop for a while and we immediately grasped the opportunity to proceed on our lil expedition. it was worth going after all. =)
actually, i didn't mind cycling in the rain. i don't really mind the rain, especially if i'm doing things like cycling or running. i'd do them anyway. it's better than spending a dull day at home doing nothing. but if i were going out shopping or to the movies, i'd probably give it a miss if i had to leave the house while it was raining. think you know what i mean. i still enjoy taking my dog for a walk in the rain under the umbrella. and you'll probably know why because of one of the past entries.
walking under the umbrella when it's raining is fun. it's raining all around you and you get to be part of it, without being affected by it, or only slightly. it's magical. and i love singing in the rain too, especially under my umbrella. and of course, all songs about rain will immediately come to mind. especially one, these days. "flood" by "jars of clay."
you know, i was just thinking the other day. when it's raining, people would all the more stay home and order pizzas and blah. especially when the rain gets heavier. but can you imagine what the poor delivery guy on his motor-cycle has to go through??? but it's on days like these when home delivery is required. so, then what? i suggest they invest in vans or cars for rainy days.
i don't have much complains about the weather yet though. i don't hate it or despise it. i love that it's much cooler these days, and really pleasant in the evenings when the rain has subsided for a while. it's so SHIOK sleeping at night too. it's just more difficult waking up in the morning because the rain makes the bed so cosy you just wanna stay in there all day! and it's not all that bad getting drenched in the rain sometimes. maybe even refreshing, until you start shivering. i'm ok with the rain. it doesn't affect my mood really. because i'm still smiling at the end of the day. there's really nothing happening that's bringing me down. but at the same time, i guess the lack of things happening in my life is not a reason for celebration too haha.
i admit i'm getting lazier. but that's because i have nothing to do. well i just started on a book today. jude the obscure by thomas hardy. i lied that i had read it in one of my uni applications cos i was filling up the forms when my friend was with me and she threw me that title. so now, i'm really reading it. so, in a way, the "lie" was just a truth waiting to happen. haha. i'm probably starting on a job this weekend or tuesday next. i think that once i get a job, i will snap out of being as lazy as i am now. it's true, the more things you have to do, the more organised you'll be, simply because you have to be.
american idol was hilarious by the way. it's unfortunate that we derive entertainment and amusement by indulging in the embarrassment and shame of others. but, oh well, WHAT WERE THEY THINKING??? it gets quite painful sometimes. sadly, watching it brightened up my evening. haha. i think i wouldn't be any better if i took part. simon would probably go, "you'd make a better siren for a fire-engine," or the likes. he's mean, but i respect him for his honesty. and hey, what would the show be without him? his words cut alright, totally slash pple's self-esteem to SHREDS...but oh well.
anyway this entry is supposed to be a tribute to rain. and i guess i've nothing much else to say except, appreciate all the sunny days you have now. and appreciate the rainy days too! each makes you love the other more and more. and there's beauty and joy to be found in both, despite the fact that you might be scorched or drenched. and you know i'm talking about more than just the sun or the rain. ;)
i was in the car with my parents on saturday night, on the way to dinner. it was raining. i can't remember when the last sunny day was. and my dad had an ominous foreboding. "it's gonna rain for 40 days and 40 nights," he said casually. of course, my first instinct was to brush that comment aside as a joke. but another part of me was actually afraid that this passing trivial sentence would actually be the truth.
and it seems so too. it's been raining EVERYDAY since...i can't remember when. as i said, i can't remember when the last sunny day actually was. and every morning when i wake up and look out of my window and gaze at the pouring rain, the sentence keeps replaying in my head. "it's gonna rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
it's such a bummer. it's such a drag going out because:
1) you have to bring an umbrella.
2) you have to carry around a wet, dripping umbrella when you're indoors.
3) you have to take the loner routes instead of cutting across fields to avoid caking your beautiful shoes, feet and pants in mud.
4) you will get wet anyway. no point in looking good before you leave the house.
5) you might get splashed by cars causing an unexpected tsunami while walking along the road.
and you can't do so many things. i mean, you could if you wanted to but you'd just get drenched and maybe fall sick too. on monday, we had planned to go cycling at 7am. but it was raining. so we waited until 10.30. it was raining. but we psycho-ed ourselves into thinking it was getting lighter. it was so frustrating being cooped up like that when we had been really looking forward to this cycling date. so yes, we went ahead anyway. after cycling at the most, 200m, the heavens unleashed its fury on us. we could hardly open our eyes. and had to turn back. and we took shelter at my house. my friends were busy jamming in my room while i was entertaining a call from my grandma. i feel bad, and yet i'm still not making the effort. she's getting old. old = lonely, cynical and insecure. wow, that sounds alot like alot of pple. means i'm getting as old as the next person is. haha.
well, the rain did stop for a while and we immediately grasped the opportunity to proceed on our lil expedition. it was worth going after all. =)
actually, i didn't mind cycling in the rain. i don't really mind the rain, especially if i'm doing things like cycling or running. i'd do them anyway. it's better than spending a dull day at home doing nothing. but if i were going out shopping or to the movies, i'd probably give it a miss if i had to leave the house while it was raining. think you know what i mean. i still enjoy taking my dog for a walk in the rain under the umbrella. and you'll probably know why because of one of the past entries.
walking under the umbrella when it's raining is fun. it's raining all around you and you get to be part of it, without being affected by it, or only slightly. it's magical. and i love singing in the rain too, especially under my umbrella. and of course, all songs about rain will immediately come to mind. especially one, these days. "flood" by "jars of clay."
you know, i was just thinking the other day. when it's raining, people would all the more stay home and order pizzas and blah. especially when the rain gets heavier. but can you imagine what the poor delivery guy on his motor-cycle has to go through??? but it's on days like these when home delivery is required. so, then what? i suggest they invest in vans or cars for rainy days.
i don't have much complains about the weather yet though. i don't hate it or despise it. i love that it's much cooler these days, and really pleasant in the evenings when the rain has subsided for a while. it's so SHIOK sleeping at night too. it's just more difficult waking up in the morning because the rain makes the bed so cosy you just wanna stay in there all day! and it's not all that bad getting drenched in the rain sometimes. maybe even refreshing, until you start shivering. i'm ok with the rain. it doesn't affect my mood really. because i'm still smiling at the end of the day. there's really nothing happening that's bringing me down. but at the same time, i guess the lack of things happening in my life is not a reason for celebration too haha.
i admit i'm getting lazier. but that's because i have nothing to do. well i just started on a book today. jude the obscure by thomas hardy. i lied that i had read it in one of my uni applications cos i was filling up the forms when my friend was with me and she threw me that title. so now, i'm really reading it. so, in a way, the "lie" was just a truth waiting to happen. haha. i'm probably starting on a job this weekend or tuesday next. i think that once i get a job, i will snap out of being as lazy as i am now. it's true, the more things you have to do, the more organised you'll be, simply because you have to be.
american idol was hilarious by the way. it's unfortunate that we derive entertainment and amusement by indulging in the embarrassment and shame of others. but, oh well, WHAT WERE THEY THINKING??? it gets quite painful sometimes. sadly, watching it brightened up my evening. haha. i think i wouldn't be any better if i took part. simon would probably go, "you'd make a better siren for a fire-engine," or the likes. he's mean, but i respect him for his honesty. and hey, what would the show be without him? his words cut alright, totally slash pple's self-esteem to SHREDS...but oh well.
anyway this entry is supposed to be a tribute to rain. and i guess i've nothing much else to say except, appreciate all the sunny days you have now. and appreciate the rainy days too! each makes you love the other more and more. and there's beauty and joy to be found in both, despite the fact that you might be scorched or drenched. and you know i'm talking about more than just the sun or the rain. ;)
Wednesday, January 28, 2004
i don't feel like updating. though i've actually got stuff worth putting down here. haha. so, too bad.
but let me tell you, things are not what they seem alright. some swans, i assure you, are NOT graceful. they attack you and walk like ducks, but only worse. unfortunately, only a few people will understand and laugh about it with me when i mention "black swans" or "the farm". haha, the silly moments like those are what makes life worth living. the silly, simple moments...
Anger opens the mouth and shuts the mind.
couldn't agree less.
but let me tell you, things are not what they seem alright. some swans, i assure you, are NOT graceful. they attack you and walk like ducks, but only worse. unfortunately, only a few people will understand and laugh about it with me when i mention "black swans" or "the farm". haha, the silly moments like those are what makes life worth living. the silly, simple moments...
Anger opens the mouth and shuts the mind.
couldn't agree less.
Thursday, January 22, 2004
so i finally watched it. lord of the rings: return of the kings! i loved it! despite the fact that it just seems to go on for like..forever! there just seemed to be so much in the show which i could identify with too. however, in consideration for those who haven't watched it or read it and do not wish their experienced to be marred because they accidentally stumbled upon some crap blog entry, i shall refrain from commenting further on this topic.
lets move on. so, i'm still jobless. but then again, i'm also fussy. but hey, i don't wanna spend these last few months of my last real long breaks before i enter into the "realer" world being stuck in a job i hate. i really do want to work, though i'm not really in a desperate situation now. ok, who's not doing it for the extra bucks? but i also want to do it for experience. so i feel that i have a right to be fussy to some extent. not everyone thinks so. but who cares? haha. this is me. at this moment.
ah yes, met my ex-netball coach on the way out of the theatre just now. i used to be so afriad of her. in fact, when i was in netball in sec school, i really wanted to quit to join softball because i really loved softball. but i just didn't have the guts to face the coach to tell her i wanted to quit...but she heard rumours! and she confronted me abt it one day. i was shivering in my bones man. but she was really nice abt it. she didn't force me to stay. but she showed me how much she believed in me. and i just felt that i couldn't let her down. and so i stayed till the end. and never did join softball. don't get me wrong, the netball experiences were worth it. we went further than i ever thought we would. whether others would beg to differ or not, i thought she was a really good coach. once, when i sprained my ankle at training, she drove me to the sinseh and accompanied me. i think the best kind of coaches are those who do not just discuss game strategies but life strategies as well.
i didn't give up my softball dream though. i swore to myself i'd join softball when i left secondary school and got into jc. and that's exactly what i did. but it was short-lived. i had to leave rj and go to ac after the fist 3 months. i was devastated mostly because my softball dreams had been dashed, just like that. and so my cca for my whole jc life was really screwed up and one helluva mess. there was just nothing else i was really interested in. i ended up joining and quiting so many. i don't know whether i'll ever get to join softball again, but i'm still holding on to that dream. cos it ain't over till it really is.
i realised that ever since i started blogging, my writing style has become very..extremely disorganised, almost as bad as my mind. and today, as i was practising for my SAT II writing which i'll be sitting for this sat, it was more apparent than ever. so many random thoughts and ideas, i just keep going, and there's no stopping. and noone will understand what i'm saying other than myself. it's probably the same for this blog.
u know i feel that i'm learning and changing so much inside these days. i feel like i'm starting to see things so differently from how i used to see them before. i still crack the same jokes. i still do the same old things. i still feel i'm the same shireen as before. but not really the same. and i want to share so much and tell u so much but i'm afraid it'll only be in vain. because u haven't seen or experienced or felt what i have. (i don't really know who this "you" is. ) and so, i feel so helpless that though i know and understand what you're going through or feeling, i can't help you or tell you what you need to know. because you can't and won't be able to see it. so i just sit there and listen and take it all in. i try to say part of what i need to tell you but i realise these words are merely words to you, all futile. so then, maybe it's not my place to tell you all these but for you to learn the lesson you must learn yourself. i feel like a bird trapped in an open cage. (yea, i ripped that line off U2's "walk on") that i can fly away, but i'm still shackled here. by what, i don't know. ok, i do know.
if you understand what i'm trying to say, you who read this, my my , i applaud you. i'm not really typing out everything i really need to say. there's too much and what does it matter anyway, all these words...
anyway here's a pretty neat song. with pretty..interesting lyrics. by a pretty cool geek rock band. the kinda song which says hey so the world's all weird and screwed-up but i don't care i'm just gonna sit here and drink my mexican wine cos nothing's that serious and life's still sweet.
ah this entry's turning out like crap and it's misery and humiliation should be put to an end. and shireen should actually try to sleep.
but in the meantime, here's fountains of wayne's "mexican wine".
He was killed by a cellular phone explosion
They scattered his ashes across the ocean
The water was used to make baby lotion
The wheels of promotion were set into motion
(chorus)
But the sun still shines in the summer time
I'll be yours if you'll be mine
I tried to change but I changed my mind
Think I'll have another glass of mexican wine
She lived alone in a small apartment
Across the street from the health department
She left her pills in the glove compartment
That was the afternoon her heart went
(chorus)
And the sun still shines in the summer time
I'll be yours if you'll be mine
I tried to change but I changed my mind
Think I'll have another glass of mexican wine
Think I'll have another glass of mexican wine
I used to fly for United Airlines
Then I got fired for reading high times
License expired in almost no time
Now I'm retired and I think that's fine
(chorus)
Because the sun still shines in the summer time
I'll be yours if you'll be mine
I tried to change but I changed my mind
Think I'll have another glass of mexican wine
(repeat 2x)
Think I'll have another glass of mexican wine
Won't you have another glass of mexican wine
lets move on. so, i'm still jobless. but then again, i'm also fussy. but hey, i don't wanna spend these last few months of my last real long breaks before i enter into the "realer" world being stuck in a job i hate. i really do want to work, though i'm not really in a desperate situation now. ok, who's not doing it for the extra bucks? but i also want to do it for experience. so i feel that i have a right to be fussy to some extent. not everyone thinks so. but who cares? haha. this is me. at this moment.
ah yes, met my ex-netball coach on the way out of the theatre just now. i used to be so afriad of her. in fact, when i was in netball in sec school, i really wanted to quit to join softball because i really loved softball. but i just didn't have the guts to face the coach to tell her i wanted to quit...but she heard rumours! and she confronted me abt it one day. i was shivering in my bones man. but she was really nice abt it. she didn't force me to stay. but she showed me how much she believed in me. and i just felt that i couldn't let her down. and so i stayed till the end. and never did join softball. don't get me wrong, the netball experiences were worth it. we went further than i ever thought we would. whether others would beg to differ or not, i thought she was a really good coach. once, when i sprained my ankle at training, she drove me to the sinseh and accompanied me. i think the best kind of coaches are those who do not just discuss game strategies but life strategies as well.
i didn't give up my softball dream though. i swore to myself i'd join softball when i left secondary school and got into jc. and that's exactly what i did. but it was short-lived. i had to leave rj and go to ac after the fist 3 months. i was devastated mostly because my softball dreams had been dashed, just like that. and so my cca for my whole jc life was really screwed up and one helluva mess. there was just nothing else i was really interested in. i ended up joining and quiting so many. i don't know whether i'll ever get to join softball again, but i'm still holding on to that dream. cos it ain't over till it really is.
i realised that ever since i started blogging, my writing style has become very..extremely disorganised, almost as bad as my mind. and today, as i was practising for my SAT II writing which i'll be sitting for this sat, it was more apparent than ever. so many random thoughts and ideas, i just keep going, and there's no stopping. and noone will understand what i'm saying other than myself. it's probably the same for this blog.
u know i feel that i'm learning and changing so much inside these days. i feel like i'm starting to see things so differently from how i used to see them before. i still crack the same jokes. i still do the same old things. i still feel i'm the same shireen as before. but not really the same. and i want to share so much and tell u so much but i'm afraid it'll only be in vain. because u haven't seen or experienced or felt what i have. (i don't really know who this "you" is. ) and so, i feel so helpless that though i know and understand what you're going through or feeling, i can't help you or tell you what you need to know. because you can't and won't be able to see it. so i just sit there and listen and take it all in. i try to say part of what i need to tell you but i realise these words are merely words to you, all futile. so then, maybe it's not my place to tell you all these but for you to learn the lesson you must learn yourself. i feel like a bird trapped in an open cage. (yea, i ripped that line off U2's "walk on") that i can fly away, but i'm still shackled here. by what, i don't know. ok, i do know.
if you understand what i'm trying to say, you who read this, my my , i applaud you. i'm not really typing out everything i really need to say. there's too much and what does it matter anyway, all these words...
anyway here's a pretty neat song. with pretty..interesting lyrics. by a pretty cool geek rock band. the kinda song which says hey so the world's all weird and screwed-up but i don't care i'm just gonna sit here and drink my mexican wine cos nothing's that serious and life's still sweet.
ah this entry's turning out like crap and it's misery and humiliation should be put to an end. and shireen should actually try to sleep.
but in the meantime, here's fountains of wayne's "mexican wine".
He was killed by a cellular phone explosion
They scattered his ashes across the ocean
The water was used to make baby lotion
The wheels of promotion were set into motion
(chorus)
But the sun still shines in the summer time
I'll be yours if you'll be mine
I tried to change but I changed my mind
Think I'll have another glass of mexican wine
She lived alone in a small apartment
Across the street from the health department
She left her pills in the glove compartment
That was the afternoon her heart went
(chorus)
And the sun still shines in the summer time
I'll be yours if you'll be mine
I tried to change but I changed my mind
Think I'll have another glass of mexican wine
Think I'll have another glass of mexican wine
I used to fly for United Airlines
Then I got fired for reading high times
License expired in almost no time
Now I'm retired and I think that's fine
(chorus)
Because the sun still shines in the summer time
I'll be yours if you'll be mine
I tried to change but I changed my mind
Think I'll have another glass of mexican wine
(repeat 2x)
Think I'll have another glass of mexican wine
Won't you have another glass of mexican wine
Tuesday, January 20, 2004
it's been raining since afternoon, but i'm not complaining. just returned from taking my dog, Reno Rally Royal, from his walk. that dog really behaves like some royal highness. quite annoying, and yet, cute all at once that you can't really stay mad at him for long. and it was such a fresh feeling, walking under my red umbrella in the rain with my Reno. The roads and pavements were empty, noone in sight, besides the occasional car driving by. it felt like the night, the raindrops and the cool breeze were all mine. and this is also the reason why i love the nights. it's like everything's just mine, as though the moon, the trees, the stars, the clouds, the symphony of the crickets and the toads, were all created especially for me. around me, all are asleep. they're missing out on something really beautiful. the night and its calm and stillness. i love it.
but they don't understand. they tell me to sleep early so that i can wake early. but i was never really a morning person. they say the most productive pple are the ones who are early to bed and early to rise. they say it's been proven. yea, they're right probably. they say that i'm cutting short my experience of life in the daylight hours. i agree.
but i don't want to cut short my experience of life in the twilight hours. those moments are special, almost sacred. i guess it's just me, always trying to make a coin or a fish more than what they appear to be, simply because it's that magic which makes this life more bearable for me to live. and maybe even makes me look forward to living it.
life's pretty good. a new week's started on a brighter note. nice fresh start. though i'm slightly nervous about what tomorrow brings, i trust that it's all gonna be good. cos all these moments now will lead up to the next moment which will lead up to the one after. and then, we'll finally see the reason and purpose for all this.
lalala : Fresh Feeling by the Eels
but they don't understand. they tell me to sleep early so that i can wake early. but i was never really a morning person. they say the most productive pple are the ones who are early to bed and early to rise. they say it's been proven. yea, they're right probably. they say that i'm cutting short my experience of life in the daylight hours. i agree.
but i don't want to cut short my experience of life in the twilight hours. those moments are special, almost sacred. i guess it's just me, always trying to make a coin or a fish more than what they appear to be, simply because it's that magic which makes this life more bearable for me to live. and maybe even makes me look forward to living it.
life's pretty good. a new week's started on a brighter note. nice fresh start. though i'm slightly nervous about what tomorrow brings, i trust that it's all gonna be good. cos all these moments now will lead up to the next moment which will lead up to the one after. and then, we'll finally see the reason and purpose for all this.
lalala : Fresh Feeling by the Eels
Friday, January 16, 2004
it seems like you never even existed. yet, i have these visions once in a while. memories. moments of laughter and foolishness. the way you made me laugh. then, the way you made me cry. the way you you showed you cared. then, the way you didn't even bother. how we got through it all together. then, how we hurt and judged each other. and then, you were gone. i know you really aren't. i know alot of it was just in my mind. but, was it really just my imagination? or was i right all this while, and that you just never realised?
well, life still seems to go on, with or without you. it seems easier now that you're not here. but, being human, there's just this tendency to desire that which turns our worlds upside-down and messes our insides. and we think we'll be happy. we think that those few moments of nirvana will be worth all the pain. i really don't know.
not that i'm even missing you. or longing for you. i was just thinking about you.
but you never really knew anyway.
hear ye, hear ye : Turn My Head by Live
well, life still seems to go on, with or without you. it seems easier now that you're not here. but, being human, there's just this tendency to desire that which turns our worlds upside-down and messes our insides. and we think we'll be happy. we think that those few moments of nirvana will be worth all the pain. i really don't know.
not that i'm even missing you. or longing for you. i was just thinking about you.
but you never really knew anyway.
hear ye, hear ye : Turn My Head by Live
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
my friend commented to me the other day that i was getting lazier and that it was quite disturbing. "Nar," i thought. "It's not so bad."
but, know what? i think it's gettin quite bad! like here i am sitting infront of this blogger screen. there are so many things to write about. but i'm too lazy to start on any of it.
and when i'm infront of the tv, and i know i need to be somewhere else, i tell myself, ok, wait for the next music video or the show to end. but the butt is heavier than the mind and i stay there for yet another show or music video and it just goes on!!
or when i wake up in the morning, i just continue lying on my bed cos i just can't bring myself to physically get up from the bed. and before i know it, it's like 10, 11...
why am i so perturbed by this? because i hate the idea of waste! wasted opportunites, time...seriously. i have all these dreams and ambitions. but what's the point? none, unless i get up of my ass and do something!
sloth is one helluva deadly sin. it really is.
an afterthought:
but anyway, life's still sweet. i may not have enough bummin' days left. so better relish these moments of devastatingly fatal laziness. hehe. now we know why it just goes on....
but, know what? i think it's gettin quite bad! like here i am sitting infront of this blogger screen. there are so many things to write about. but i'm too lazy to start on any of it.
and when i'm infront of the tv, and i know i need to be somewhere else, i tell myself, ok, wait for the next music video or the show to end. but the butt is heavier than the mind and i stay there for yet another show or music video and it just goes on!!
or when i wake up in the morning, i just continue lying on my bed cos i just can't bring myself to physically get up from the bed. and before i know it, it's like 10, 11...
why am i so perturbed by this? because i hate the idea of waste! wasted opportunites, time...seriously. i have all these dreams and ambitions. but what's the point? none, unless i get up of my ass and do something!
sloth is one helluva deadly sin. it really is.
an afterthought:
but anyway, life's still sweet. i may not have enough bummin' days left. so better relish these moments of devastatingly fatal laziness. hehe. now we know why it just goes on....
Friday, January 09, 2004
i think i run away so much because i'm so afraid to face my demons. i never believed that running away was a solution. but now, i keep heading that way more and more. i know i can run away from everything but i can't run away from myself. so there's really no point in running....
why are we so far away from the deepest part of ourselves? why does it have to be so complicated? well, i guess there would be no kick otherwise..i just want to know what not being stressed is like.
i want to be 18 forever. i don't want to pay the adult fare and tap my card twice on the bus. i don't want to be stuck in a job i'll hate. i don't want to make all those super big decisions with greater consequences. i don't want to say so many goodbyes to the ones i hold so dear. i don't want to grow up so fast. but i guess it's inevitable.
wish me luck and say a prayer for me...tonight, i may have to finally face those demons and fight them.
sidetrack : Angels of the Silences by Counting Crows
why are we so far away from the deepest part of ourselves? why does it have to be so complicated? well, i guess there would be no kick otherwise..i just want to know what not being stressed is like.
i want to be 18 forever. i don't want to pay the adult fare and tap my card twice on the bus. i don't want to be stuck in a job i'll hate. i don't want to make all those super big decisions with greater consequences. i don't want to say so many goodbyes to the ones i hold so dear. i don't want to grow up so fast. but i guess it's inevitable.
wish me luck and say a prayer for me...tonight, i may have to finally face those demons and fight them.
sidetrack : Angels of the Silences by Counting Crows