aaargh!!! so sleeepy! i want to sleep! oh hurry hurry hurry!! only 4 hrs left to sleep!!! please let me sleep soon! please oh please oh please!!!!

u know...sleep deprivation is a form of torture. do you know how torturous it is to pretend to be awake and alert when you are dying to sleep? know how terribly strenuous it is to try to look really interested when all you wanna do is run to the toilet to steal a few minutes of sleep? oh sleep oh sleep oh sleep....please let me have some of you!

BIG YAWN over there just now. hope nothing flew in. i have nothing to do but talk crap now because i can't sleep yet. no it's not that i CAN'T sleep. but that i can't sleep because i have to wait for something. ok do you get it?

so well, this will be a very inane post. a very sleepy girl is typing this. lets see. well i got some of my hair chopped off a few hours ago. feels different. guess it feels lighter. but i feel more exposed. cos i always used to use my long hair to hide my face. it's pretty useful you know. like if you want to hide your laughter or cover your crying eyes or spy on people. made you feel less exposed cos it covered so much. my hair isn't that short now. i think he probably just chopped off like...an inch plus? don't think anyone would notice anyway.

ok the thing is i have a presentation in a few hours. i want to sleeeeeeeep. but i'm staying up to wait for prof lai. the poor girl, she's been doing so much and then just yesterday she was in school till 4am in the morning finishing up ANOTHER project. really gotta hand it to her. we gotta treat her to tony romas or something. but PROF LAI, have mercy on me and my guilty conscience and go to sleep! i am talking nonsense and wasting the time of whoever is reading this and if you have already reached this part of the post, then bravo, bravo!

the end.

p.s. i want to sleep!

p.p.s. i never really use to p.s. but i think it's a pretty lovely thing. the afterthought. the by the way. the "hey, nothing much really, was just thinking about you and how special you were". the out of point statements. no link.

the end. again.

for the first time in a long time, i did something rare today. i stayed home on a sunday morning. i do enjoy all my other busy sunday mornings, always bustling with activity. but this is a nice change too. for the first time in a long time, i am waking up without a worry. this is really how a sunday should be, don't you think?

i wanted to type a really long post because of the many enriching, disillusioning and powerful experiences i have had this past week. everytime i start, i can't continue. don't want to waste whatever i have left of this lovely sunday so think i shall just bask in its splendour instead....

may all of you have a lovely sunday too!

jeremy and i rushed off in a cab from school so that i would make it in time for my driving lesson. it was raining pretty hard. i was taking lessons for a while last year and then got lazy because school started and i managed to find a gazillion reasons not to go for lessons. i don't know why i did that because driving lessons are quite fun. the feeling of being in control is scary and exhilirating all at once and sometimes, aunty helen and i will hum together to the song playing on radio and it's pretty nice.

it's something about me and making commitments i guess. i hate it whenever i make a commitment to something because the very first thing i always want to do after making a commitment is to run away. it makes me feel like i've chained myself to the ground, whether it is taking up dance lessons, joining some activity in school, signing up for a course or a camp or something fun, getting a job....it's not that i even hate the things i made a commitment to. i made a commitment to them in the first place because they were things i clearly thought i would enjoy doing. but the fact that i have to make a commitment to them just makes me feel like backing out all at once. no wonder i leave so many things half-done in my life and so, what does that say about me?

anyway, after many months of disappearance, i finally appeared infront of aunty helen today, even braving the rain and splurging on cabfare. lo and behold, she refused to let me drive! but it was not her fault. i had waited so long till my pdl (provisional driving license) expired and i could not renew it at the centre because now, we have to go to the post office and obviously there were none around. and i just wasn't bothered about that cos i was getting drenched in the rain, umbrellaless. so, there was nothing much i could do. i just continued walking in the rain, since i was already dripping and took the bus home.

strange. something about the rain and me too.

so many questions till race through my mind from time to time. why? what if? would you? too many. but i decided that even if they were answered, things would still never be the same again. i thought that perhaps the answers would give me a sense of closure. but i realised that there are some things i already feel and know that are enough for closure and these answers alone will not change anything. no more questioning, no more wondering....

i'm really starting to see these things very differently now. i definitely hope it's not spiralling into a certain kind of cynicism but i do not take it so seriously anymore. perhaps i have been disillusioned. perhaps i am tired. perhaps it is a wake-up call. what if i am already awake? how many wake-up calls does one need then? it's like the persistent ringing of an alarm clock you can't shut up though you've been awake for hours. perhaps it works in reverse and if i fall asleep, it might shut up. maybe that's the problem with me; constantly fighting inside. "just give it a break, shireen..." oh yes.

have i ever mentioned that i can't stand wednesdays? well, i do not particularly like wednesdays. when i wake up on wednesday mornings, a wave of nausea hits me and i know it's the wednesday blues. wednesdays are the longest days in the week. and wednesdays reek of painful memories. wednesdays begin with a gruelling 3-hour econs lesson where i just wanna run away from and never come back but i am not brave or foolish or intelligent enough to do so. so, right now, i'm still sitting in my introduction to economics class typing out this sad, sad post.

it rained quite a bit last night. i was struggling to sleep and for the first time in a long time, i heard thunder. i guess i didn't mind because it's been a while since i heard that familiar sound. it made me feel snug and safe in my bed but why does "it" always have to be at the back of my mind? why can't i just forget? i'm ok throughout the day i guess. it's just the mornings and nights, where i'm alone with my thoughts and can't escape the ghost of it all.

walking on water and if i don't take the next step with faith, i will surely sink. faith is all that can keep me afloat.

another week has started. i was having my supposed one-week holiday last week. it was actually more of a psuedo holiday littered with an exam, project work and meetings. but i guess most of us were not bothered to be so upset about this because we were already resigned to the fact that all elaborate plans of fun would have to be thrown out of the window to make way for the impending deadlines. dead. lines. lines of death.

throughout that pretty mellow one week though, things weren't as bad as they seemed. i was using it as an opportunity to put first things first in my life. it's like this. whenever you set priorities straight and put what is most important at the centre of everything, then everything else starts to flow naturally. more like, you have the grace to accept and embrace things more naturally. i kinda found a certain peace i needed.

but it's so easy to backslide. a new week has started and already, i am starting to do things upside-down again. two step forwards, one step back. that should mean i'm still going forward, right? but if it's one step forward, two steps back......

an embodied soul. incarnation. sacrament. faith. mystery. living. child. walking on water. blind. absorbing all the bullets of the world. consideration. sufficient? go. hell. total abandonment. love. human. divine. no. yes. unburnt. waves. resilient. grace. suffering. consumerism. what more is there. resurrect. outside the realm of time. inside. nothing. all.

this is a lovely song by u2 off their passengers soundtrack. Your Blue Room. shan't say much about it. go take a listen or ask me if you can't find it...

Your Blue Room by U2
The air is clean, your skin is clear
We've had enough fun hanging around here
It's a different kind of conversation in your blue room

Saw me calmly, deep inside
Saw me calmly, somewhere to hide

And time is a string of pearls
Your blue room
In a second see the future just hanging there
Your blue room
A new frame, a new perspective
Looking down on my objectives
New instructions, whatever their directions
Your blue room

Saw me calmly, be so proud and new
Saw me calmly, came to feel

It's alright
Your blue room
One day, I'll be back
Your blue room
Yeah, I hope I remember where it's at
Your blue room

I see inside of you
Won't you take me back home
So much for the time

Zooming in and zooming out
Nothing I can do without
A lense to see it all up close
Magnify what everyone knows
Never in company, never alone
No car alarms, no cellular phones

a tribute to phaemie

first and foremost, happy birthday phaemie!!!
(ok her birthday is actually on the 26th of february.)

phaemie is a very special and unique person. though she is thousands of miles away from me right now, she never seems too far away. she always tries to be there for me and cheers me up despite the fact that she may be crying or fuming inside. she is beautiful the way she is; her quirks and her obsessions and the things she finds amusing and the way she drives and the observations she makes and the stories she tells and the urges she gets and the ideas she comes up with and....and....and i could go on forever.

i miss her alot. sometimes i walk past her estate and have this urge to go and ring her doorbell or give her a call to ask her whether i can come over or whether she would like to just go hang out. then i remember that she's there and i'm here. or when i'm down and out and wish there is someone to talk to, i think of her. but again, i remember that she's there and i'm here. thank goodness for the internet, where we can both be there and here at the same time or i will probably be driven to take a plane down to charlottesville, virginia to kidnap phaemie and bring her home!

but anyway, i can't express enough how grateful i am to have ever been blessed with the gift of phaemie in my life. i don't know why i deserve her but she's definitely proof that someone out there loves me enough to put her in my life! this is getting so sappy. maybe it's cos i'm a bit tipsy now and it's 2.39am in the morning.

but what i'm trying to say, phaemie...is that i love you! enjoy whatever is left of your birthday and this life. may god bless you with peace, love and joy in your heart always!!

my mom always said i was the stubborn one. i wouldn't say much, i wouldn't argue back or shout, but i'd do what i wanted to anyway. she once said i was the most dangerous one because of that. my mom has this strange knack of being right. i have this strange knack of proving her right by doing the exact opposite of what she adviced me against.

life often throws answers in my face. these days, the answers are so clear. but i'm stubborn, right? despite the answers, despite the "no"s, what do i do? i run along doing the most unexpected, craziest, over-impulsive things. can't take no for an answer, the same little girl who would lie on the floor in the middle of a busy shopping centre, refusing to get up, because her parents wouldn't get her a toy. maybe it's cute for a child. i'm 20 this year, and it's not cute anymore. it's crippling and sad.

we learn alot of the most important lessons in life through pain. perhaps that's what makes them the most important. noone can console me and noone should. this girl needs to get up from the floor and learn to live without those toys.... =P

on tuesday night, raymond dumped a whole load of cds on me and it felt as though i was carrying a cd shop in my bag. then i started listening to them one by one. was listening to dido's life for rent album last night. and tonight, i'm listening to john mayer. and one thing struck me. the universals of life. everyone is experiencing these same things...heartbreak, letting go, falling in love, over and over again....

and one song i cannot help but listen to over and over again. "wheel" by john mayer. the lyrics are amazingly true and hit home in an unexpected and subtle way. one of those bittersweet songs that is like a mirror image of this life. sad and hopeful and unexplainable and unpredictable and lovely all at once....

Wheel by John Mayer
People have the right to fly
And will when it gets compromised
Their hearts say "Move along"
Their minds say "Gotcha heart"
Let's move it along

And airports, see it all the time
Where someone's last goodbye
Blends in with someone's sigh
Cause someone's coming home
In hand, a single rose

That's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
And I won't be the last
No I won't be the last, to love her

You can't build a house of leaves
And live like it's an evergreen
It's just a season thing
It's just this thing that seasons do

And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
And you won't be the first
No you won't be the first, to love me

You can find me, if you ever want to again
I'll be around the bend
I'll be around the bend
I'll be around, I'll be around
And if you never stop when you wave goodbye
You just might find if you give it time
You will wave hello again
You just might wave hello again

And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now

You can't love too much, one part of it

I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give return to me

i rushed down in a cab today to mount alvernia hospital. i didn't really know what time she was going into the operating theatres or where everyone was or anything. i just let some mysterious force take charge and lead me there. took the lift up to the 4th floor. i entered through the doors which separates the authorised personnal from the unauthorised ones i.e. me and saw my cousin sitting anxiously in a chair, wearing those green scrubs and the shower cap thingy on his head. the sight of an expectant father, minutes before he was about to see his first son being born into the world.

i had to wait outside though. his best friend was there. he flew all the way from australia to share in this moment. my cousin's mom sat next to me, chatting excitedly with my mother. i was armed with my video camera, hoping not to miss a thing. soon enough, the doors opened and out came my cousin in those same funny green scrubs, walking beside the doctor who was pushing little samuel in a little roller-cot. my cousin's face wore a smile of triumph and pride. who would've thought that this little boy would grow up to be a father today?

my aunty was bonkers by then. she was totally blown away by the sight of little samuel. she had only seen him for a few seconds for he had to be rushed off for tests and to be cleaned up. yet, she was gushing away about him to everyone on her phone, marvelling at his dimples, his curly hair, who he looked like, how cute he was, dot, dot, dot...

my cousin, the proud new father, he was still captivated by the awe of this experience. he kept recalling those moments, how he felt when he first got to hold his son, how samuel was able to respond to his name already, the way samuel put his little hand on his little ears when he hear the other babies crying in the nursery. his wife, she lay on her bed, with a tired but relieved and calm smile on her face. the triumphant heroine. i played the video back for her to see little samuel since she still hadn't really looked at him yet. she was too tired to really talk much but i could tell her heart was swelling with excitement and wonder...finally a face to the little creature who had been kicking her belly and swimming around in it for almost 9 months.

then all their close friends came in at one shot shortly after. i felt so touched by the whole situation. everyone coming together to celebrate the springing forth of a new life into the world, to be there for my cousin and his wife to share in this joyous moment with them...i found it so beautiful, the bustle of activity surrounding the birth of this teeny weeny little thing. i don't know how to describe it; i'm not eloquent enough. but they were truly some beautiful moments and i am in awe.

to sidetrack a bit, don't you think it must be such a big shock for a baby who has just been born into the world? all of a sudden, you see those bright lights, strange two-legged things walking around wearing weird things, doing weird things....was just imagining myself as little samuel.

life is made up a series of births and deaths. every moment, something is born, a new cell, a new job opportunity, a new friend, a new lover....every moment, something else dies....an old cell, resigning from a job, breaking up....

everything is so transient. but maybe that's what makes everything all the more beautiful. and perhaps we hold on to love in all these moments, since it's the only thing we can hold onto, the only permanent thing. we're just sojourning through this life, but on the way, it seems as though there's just so much to celebrate about and be thankful for...so much! true, there are also times for grieving. that's life i guess....there's a time for every purpose under heaven...

ok, so one week has just passed me by in a blur. not really sure what hit me cos it all happened so fast. feels so unreal, like nothing even happened at all in the first place. anyway, i'm set on starting the new week on a fresh note. going to pick up the pieces and shake of the dust and get my life into order again.

"i have no home, only a journey..... my journey is like a cloud. there is thirst everywhere so i cannot just stop here." (words of an 11-yr-old yogi)

resilience...what a beautiful thing that is.....

i feel like i am walking in a daze these days. because i'm trying not to think for fear of "thinking too much." because i find that no matter what people say and do to me, i cannot run away from the voices in my head, and the only way i can, is to just stop thinking. because i'm so afraid that what those voices tell me are true. and i hate being in this state because it feels like i'm not really living.

my mom was telling me about my little nephew in australia today after having a phone conversation with his mom, my cousin. i was so amused by all the really mischievous and chaotic things he did. and how he would give a cheeky smile after it all. i felt a great sense of admiration for this little toddler who ran around in only his pampers half the time and gave only a few-toothed grin most of the time. i felt he was really living, much more than me at least.

the only thing that's keeping me sane is hope, is faith that there is goodness and a better world. maybe some might call me foolish, but i just know it's there. i've seen glimpses of it, felt it. i just lost sight of it for now. my entries are following a fixed pattern these days huh? always starts with some kind of sob story, then it always ends with hope. because despite what i feel, i know life is not all doom and gloom. it can be beautiful and is.

i don't know. i mean, is it going to get easier? and is it all worth it? how will we ever know whether it is? and if it takes faith, what is this faith made up of? of what we want or what is? where is my faith and what do i build it upon? i don't know i don't know i don't know. silence is golden. gold is cold and hard and heartless. that's how this silence feels likes.

well, i know i am capable of forgetting. i know i am capable of walking away. i can do it in hours and even get used to it. i've done it. that's really not a problem. but why do i stay? now, that's what's most perplexing.

how did i ever become the girl i am now? how is it that i say and do all the foolish things that i say and do now? how is it that i dare to want what i want now? how did i ever get so rash and reckless? how....strange.

i need to get out of this mode. i need to get out of this rut. sometimes, it feels like i have and boy do i feel so free. then, suddenly, it feels like i've always been there. an idle mind is indeed the devil's workshop. oh be gone, you demons. who invited you here? me. how silly.

perhaps i should just get some sleep. put this day behind me. and when i awake later, it will be a brand new day and i'll start over and i won't vegetate and stagnate like i have today. i'll be somebody. i'll go somewhere.