i feel happy. spending time with my family really helps no matter how chaotic it gets sometimes. at the end of the day, despite all the fights and quarrels and words tinged with hurt, they still love me and i love them. i feel safe and secure and genuinely loved for all that i am.

yesterday, my heart felt like a squish ball. my stomach felt like it had been punched. i just couldn't eat. couldn't sleep. thoughts kept darting around like those snitch balls in harry potter in my mind and i couldn't catch them and make them disappear. to top it all off, i had to meet my orientation group which i am faciliating for dinner last night. every fibre of my being was telling me to run away and go home. but i stayed till the end. i was as chatty as ever. never running out of stuff to talk about. even found it in me to plan a prank with my buddy on the group. all the while, my stomach was in knots. but i survived. and i realised i could be strong and my spirit cannot be destroyed and no matter what happens, i'll always have that in me.

i'm feeling much better today. i was reading those everyday sayings in my grandma's room and it said something about beginning everyday anew. today, i was in the car and we were driving by many familiar places which brought back the familiar knots in my stomach. and i realised what the landmakr forum finally meant by life is meaningless and empty. not in the negative way. it meant that life was a blank slate and it was us who attached meanings to it and filled it up with our memories and hurts, carrying these big baggages around when we don't have to. and that was what i was doing. and suddenly the phrase, "the time is now", just made alot of sense to me. that the time is now and there was no point carrying all these heavy backpacks full of rubbish around when they were from a different time. and if the time is now, why were we leaving traces of our past strewn across everywhere like a messy battlefield after the war?

and phaemie, thanks for talking and being here for me and going through this with me. even if you sometimes wonder whether you should come back, i am really thankful when you do. you are really very special and beautiful and you touch my life in more ways than one. thank you! =)

today, i feel as though i really began anew. i slept well. i slept in. i went for a nice, peaceful mass. had a good lunch with my dad and brothers. went to visit my relatives whom i really love. i feel strong and i feel brave. i could even eat heartily. and my heart didn't pound and my stomach didn't cave in when i saw those colourful stripes. i know i can get through this. and i will!

i wonder what is this fascination i have with seeing my heart crumble before my eyes, when i know i could have, should have turned away when i had the chance to. i wonder how torn it will become before i am unable to make out the shreds that was my heart. i wonder why i choose to lose. i wonder why i am thinking of all this. am i thinking too much and for nothing?

i wonder what is the purpose of this post.

just got back from thailand yesterday. bangkok is really different from phuket or khaolak. the moment i stepped into the bangkok airport, i could tell it was going to be a totally different experience and i was right.

i felt a bit sad and disoriented on the whole of the first day after touching down. i was struggling to find something good, something true. i missed the sincerity and the warmth of old takuapa in khaolak. the friendliness and laid back attitudes of the friends we made in phuket. the joy and simplicity of eating street food without having to worry so much. it's as though we always had to watch our back lest we get cheated or something. and how sex sells!

"want to see thai girl show? ping pong balls? bottle caps?"

it just made me feel empty inside. and empty vessels make the most noise right? my soul felt restless and the noise inside was deafening and unbearable. i felt sad because these people felt they had no choice,other than to lie, to cheat and to pervert. they sell things for prices way over the top. some taxi drivers refuse to turn on their meters. the tuk tuk drivers are up to some treacherous ploy behind their crooked smiles. you are approached every few seconds by these friendly blokes with menus only to realise it's sex they are selling.

they think it's the faster and easier way. but it's not. it's worse. the truth always has a way of coming out. and whatever is hidden will be revealed in the time to come. it made me think of starwars. there were the good taxi drivers who switched on their meters. the gracious shopowners who didn't cheat. the kind lady who offered us help for free. then there were the taxi drivers who didn't play according to the rules and stuck up middle fingers. the tuk tuk driver who charged us more because we wouldn't go see that thai girl show. the shopowners who cheat. it's like how anakin turned to the dark side. it's not the faster and easier route. it's an uglier route which leads to decay.

on wednesday evening, we went for mass. (we had also gone the day before and i was amazed and overwhelmed by the peace that enveloped me when my soul had been so heavy and noisy before that) i had not eaten lunch before that and i was hungry. and i thought about my hunger. and i thought about the people i had seen. and a prayer formed in my mind after receiving the eucharist. i realised that was what we needed. i could feed the hungry with love. quench the thirsty with love. clothe the naked and cold with love. cure the lonely and abandoned with love.

and i didn't feel so hungry anymore.

love seems like the harder and longer way. but it's the more beautiful way and it leads to life and times of refreshing.

nevertheless, i did have a really good time ultimately and maybe because of those powerful experiences. my entourage consisted of a fantastic bunch of people. alvin, mel lee, kelly (my roommate), dominic and merrill. we were never short of laughter and love.

by the end of the trip, i managed to find it. there was goodness. there was truth. anywhere and everywhere. it's in all of us. do we choose to live in disgrace and ignore the divine in us? that is the question. somehow, while i was there in the heart of bangkok, powerful messages about life and love were revealed to me. keep your eyes open! said the travelling guru in me. there is so much to see! and keep your heart and mind open! and be in awe...

my grandma called to thank me just now because i got khai to buy her the 3 bottles of johnsons baby cologne she wanted. she said it couldn't be found in singapore so i got khai to buy it from malaysia. haha, thanks khai. my grandma wants a crossword puzzle book to occupy her mind. so, gonna try, no, gonna get it for her. it's time to start keeping my sweet words and not just giving them.

i'll be taking off for thailand tomorrow morning. yes, again. haha. i'll be in bangkok until thursday. i know the main purpose is supposed to be shopping. but i'm quite sure i'm NOT going to spend my whole time shopping. haha. not sure why but i feel a bit scared and anxious.

been thinking alot about "awkward silence". like when you are with one or more people and there reaches a point in time when the conversation reaches a lull or a deadend and for some reasons you start panicking or trying your best to think of another topic to fill up the space. what i'm trying to know is..why does silence become awkward? what meaning do we attach to silence that makes it such an awkward thing? is it because it is so out of place from the noise of our lives? but then, why do we rush to exterminate silence just because it is out of place? almost like...we are so afraid of it.

for me, i'm wondering. maybe it's because the silence will expose my true emotions, who i really am. the moment there is silence, i am naked. you might find out that i'm actually scared of you and can't bear to look you in the eye otherwise. you might find out how intense i am. you might feel that there is nothing in the space between. worse, you might turn and walk away.

it seems i've started to use talking as my shield. something which used to scare me so much now gives me power and makes me feel so good about myself that it gives me power; that i have the power to overpower it. err...

yet, there are some whom i can experience total silence with and not feel scared or angry or judged one bit. and in that silence, i am understood and loved and forgiven and embraced. i feel more rested and secure than ever in fact. because i can be at peace with the one i love and with myself. they talk about silence and how sacred it is. i believe that THIS is the kind of silence i crave for. the kind of silence which allows me to grow and to love and to be in harmony with life. not the deafening or awkward kind...

silence is such a mysterious thing because of the somewhat powerful effects it has on us. i really have much to learn about the power of silence and to practice it not just through my mouth, but in my heart, mind and soul.

right now, my soul seems too noisy and i am experiencing some sort of restlessness. i don't know whether it's because i've been doing too many things or whether it's because my soul is just too noisy inside. at first, i felt so accomplished because i was doing so many things. it is an accomplishment for me because it means that i got through fear and laziness. then, i felt so accomplished because i was meeting so many people, old friends and new ones, and was able to start conversations so easily and connect with people and talk. this is an accomplishment because talking can really scare me. but, if all this should give me peace, why is it so noisy inside?

like i was telling jeremy about how i used to feel at one point. life, at that time, was like a busy highway with no traffic lights. i was trying to cross it and it got tiring. and i found that after a while, i just wanted to go "home". i think that's how i'm feeling now. in a way.

i need to go "home" to the most important thing.

i think that spontaneous chemical reactions occur in me from time to time. maybe not chemical. i don't know what you call them. for no rhyme or reason, i am suddenly happy and content and a smile creeps up, no, explodes, on my face and an outburst of love overwhelms me and everything is perfect and i could die right then. and just as soon as it comes, it leaves. (sounds manic) these fleeting moments of pure bliss, what do you call them? and where do they come from? where do they go?

i guess it's not entirely spontaneous. there are known triggers. such as the first few notes of a beautiful song. a lovely, bloodred, fiery sunset. walking in the field as i appoach home. the quiet of night. talking to my brothers. a peaceful family outing where everyone talks crap and we laugh with each other.what do they mean by trigger-happy anyway?

i smile alot these days with friends. but it's different from those moments mentioned above. i don't feel that overwhelming sensation spreading across my chest, making my heart beat faster. making me feel that this is it. where i can close my eyes and feel so free and light that i could float away forever.

these moments are just incredibly mysterious and incredibly simple. is that what makes them all the more incredibly sacred?

sometimes we spend too much time and energy analysing the gift. is it good? is it bad? why? how? what? where? when? what the?

why not just say...

thank you. =)

yesterday morning, i woke up and i was aching all over due to the mock orientation camp i went for from monday to wednesday. i started wondering about why my holidays were so busy and cluttered and being a slacker by nature, i wasn't too happy about that. then suddenly, i had no idea what hit me but i was feeling really thankful and excited. i started to look back at all the things i had been busy with since the start of holidays...

my thailand trip, the sec3 confirmation camp, the drama, the landmark forum i attended, all the orientation stuff i have attended and will be attending, the thailand trip i will be going for (yes, i'm going again), my driving...and other little things in between...

i was expecting a really slack 3-4months of holidays considering i didn't take on a job but it doesn't seem to be that way. but i realised that every single one of those things mentioned above really helped me to grow and learn so much this holidays. and realising this, i started to look forward to everything else because it feels like i'm going places and i love adventures and going places. i feel alive!

oh yea, and i also realised my two strongest weaknesses are fear and laziness. and these are my strongest weaknesses because i allow them to be my masters and stop me from doing things. i was so tempted to leave so many things halfway. but this holidays, i really wanted to challenge myself and pressed on despite the inertia. and what did i get out of it? i realised all these things were just what they were and nothing more. i could still go on knowing they were there and despite them. not to hide them but accept that they are there and stare them in their eyes as i march on ahead.

and i realised it's about choices. what do you choose to do? how do you choose to do it? what attitude do you choose to have? how do you choose to see it?

there's one thing i need to get down to though....the mountain in my wardrobe....groooooan...

i've been sleeping pretty much the whole day. was awake for maybe like 4 hours and the rest was spent drifting in and out of sleep. i don't know why i'm so tired. maybe it's the hangover from last night. but i don't think i drank so much, did i? i overslept bigtime and missed my jc class reunion. my head still hurts and my jaws are aching and my left shoulder needs a good massage. was i wrestling yokozuna in my sleep or what??

"come waste your time with me...."

that song (waste) by phish is stuck in my head and i can't, for the life of me, get it out!!

i'm so glad i told the truth. the truth really sets us free and love delights in truth. i feel more free than i've felt in a long time. i still think about alot of stuff but not in a way that entraps me anymore. i feel as though my heart can finally fly for the first time in a long time. the cage was always open. i just never knew i could fly away..ain't that always the case?

so once again, the night is an open slate. i love this open space. the loneliness and the quiet seem almost sacred. where shall i go? what shall i do?

you can take away anything you want from me. you can take away my clothes, my money, my heart sometimes. but you can never take away my self-worth. i will always have that. i will always be a child of god. i will always be who i am inside, where god lives in me and where he is the only constant. he lives in my middle and this is why i have purpose and truth and love, just like all else.

i think wisdom is wisdom only if it is rooted in love. on sunday evening, jeevan (my brother) seemed to have been transformed right there in front of me, or maybe, my eyes were being opened. or both. either way, god was making his power known to us through love that evening and as i sat there listening to my brother because there was nothing else i could do but listen, i was in awe of how love had transformed him and made him wise beyond his years. and i was humbled at once, realising how much i didn't know.

it's a really long story. jeremy said he should film a video of my family but as i told him, i think the most beautiful moments in life are usually never really caught on video. like the time i was in thailand, diving into the waterfall. or the time i was dangling my legs over the edge of the boat as the waves splashed below my feet. or like the time i was flying to italy and saw the most stars i had ever seen in my life. or the times when i cycled or jogged to my secret river (which isn't really a secret). and those times when i take reno for walks in the nights, singing to the stars. or those times at night when it is all quiet and i am just about to sleep and i look out of the window and see the most beautiful moonrise...and especially those times in life when you are with certain people and there is that spark or connection and your heart bursts, and those times of deep prayer and that mysterious but magical connection with god...noone can ever get those on tape. we could try but we wouldn't get too far and too near the experience. and those are the moments i will always try to remember and carry in my heart.

was chatting with a friend whom i hadn't spoken to for a while and he was saying how some of the things which feel so natural can feel so wrong and forbidden. and i told him i understood because that's how i'm starting to feel. but i don't say this with a heavy heart. i say it with a confused one. i keep telling myself the door is closed and it's all over and there is no chance. but why do i feel that the opposite is happening? like the gate has been unlocked but the door is still shut tightly except that once i knew it was locked but now i'm not so sure anymore. maybe the opposite really is happening but i know that it probably won't get far because i've been building my walls by the minute. and as what i thought would never happen seems to be happening, i'm further reinforcing the walls. because i don't even dare think about what i'm tempted to think. i don't read so much into anything, or even at all. like i've learnt how to put it all aside. but that small little voice whispering in me...it's starting to become more than a whisper...not sure what all this means. so that's all i'm gonna say about it for now.

phaemie, you probably know what i mean. can't wait..

take me to a desert. i want to feel the immense heat of the sand on the soles of my bare feet. i want to be overwhelmed by its extreme bareness. i want to see the desert night sky illuminated by gazillions or bazillions of stars.

take me to the bottom of the sea. i want to see the creatures that noone has ever seen. i want to see the octopusses. i want to see just how dark it really is.

take me to the moon. i want to know what earth looks like from there and how still it seems to be. i want to hear how quiet it is. i want to be illuminated in the bright side of the moon and see how dark it really is on the dark side of the moon.

take me to the north pole. i want to see the aurora. i want to be lost in the white. i want to know how life flows when everything is frozen. then take me to antartica. i want to make friends with the penguins.

take me anywhere. far away. then take me home.

by then, i would have been laughing. it would be funny. because i would have realised by then that i could have experienced all this in my own room. extreme quiet, suffocating darkness, complete bareness, unbearable heat, unbearable coldness, being so far away that nothing else matters, billions of stars illuminating my heart, brilliant auroras colouring my life. but i would be happy still. for i would have found friends in the penguins and the octopusses. and when i can't see the stars on a cloudy day, i'll know that it exists anyway. and i'll know what i always had a gut feeling about all along, that there is always hope and there is always something to love and that life is more than this and just this.

when i was in thailand, i wrote a letter back home on 2 little pieces of paper from my notepad, which was 1/8 the size of a normal A4 sheet. i wrote it on the 3rd or 4th night and for almost 2 weeks, i searched for an open post office in the little town of takuapa in thailand so that i could buy stamps and send my letters home. the post office was always closed for some reason and it was one of the most modern looking "shops" in that town and perhaps one of the only few which actually had air-conditioning.

anyway, it wasn't until 2 saturdays later when i could finally post my letters. we had just checked into our new hotel at phuket and i went out in search of a shop to buy stamps before lunch. i would be back in singapore 2 days later but i just wanted the thrill of posting a letter from overseas and others receiving it back home. so i found myself at a pharmacy buying some stamps.

the lady behind the counter at the pharmacy started chatting with rita and me and she noticed the logo on the t-shirt i was wearing.

"is that your university?" she asked.

"nope, it's my church."i replied. i was wearing a blue polo tee and there was a logo on it that bore the name of the church i attend, the church of saint francis xavier.

"aaah, you're catholic?" she asked excitedly.

"yup." i nodded.

"aaah me too."

i was pretty excited because i really wanted to go for mass in thailand. i couldn't go the week before because i couldn't find a church anywhere. so i asked her whether she knew of any churches around there and was expecting a no. but she told me i could attend mass at Le Meridien Hotel. she even wrote down the times of the english masses for me.

i was so excited that whole saturday. i couldn't believe my luck. i had been really wanting to go for mass. and i had been really wanting to post my letters. and i realised that if i had posted my letters any earlier, i would never have known that there was a mass somewhere near i could attend. and what got me even more excited was the fact that i had been reading the alchemist by paulo coelho on the trip and one of the things that kept being repeated throughout the book was how when your soul desires something, the whole of the universe conspires to make it happen. join the dots.

also, my teeth and gums were really hurting throughout the whole trip. must have been those icecreams i kept eating and the cha yen noms i kept drinking everyday of my trip. so in phuket, i decided to look for a dentist and actually found one. and the dentist didn't charge me a cent because i only went to him for consultation. rita was shopping at the shop across the street from the dentist so i went to meet her. and from there, we suddenly went on a mad shopping spree. i don't know how it happened. but if ALL this didn't happen, we would never have bumped into rita's somewhere guy,

ok, some background info. the night before, we had gone to this shopping centre in phuket where there were all these paintings and photographs on display in the outside amphi-theatre. rita started talking to a budding up and coming photographer and i guess she thought she would never see him again. but who would've thought that we'd bump into him on the streets of patong while shopping on a saturday afternoon?? and we did. and again, i thought to myself. wow, if my teeth had not hurt so much and i had not eaten all those icecreams, we wouldn't have bumped into him. if rita did not know me, and we had never become friends in primary school many years ago, we would never have bumped into the "somewhere" guy. it all just made me go "aaaah" at life and realise that every moment was simply a step to the next and it was ok if things screwed up in our eyes. we just had to trust.

anyway, to continue the story. so i was really excited about mass. after shopping, we met the others on the beach but it started to rain shortly after so we had to run indoors for shelter and soon found ourselves at a thai massage parlour. i had really wanted to go for a thai massage. mass was at 530pm and the massage ended at 5pm. so i bid goodbye to sheryl and rita and went in search of a tuk tuk to bring me to le meridien hotel. i really couldn't wait!

i went to the first tuk tuk driver i saw and asked him how much it was to le meridien hotel. he charged me 200baht at first but i knew it was a rip off because the lady at the pharmacy told me it was about 50-100baht. in the end we settle for 150baht. i'm lousy at bargaining. so we went to le meridien. but when we reached there, the guards on duty refused to allow us to go in. why? because the hotel had been closed for 4 months because of the tsunami! i was like..."shit." had the lady not gone to mass for 4 months? didn't the tuk tuk driver know it was closed? would i be paying 300baht for NOTHING? but i knew i couldn't do much so i just asked the tuk tuk driver to take me back to patong , which he did.

when we reached patong, i handed over my 300 baht to the tuk tuk driver. i felt a bit disappointed but decided that i wouldn't call sheryl or rita but sit by the beach and read instead since it was one of those things i had been wanting to do for a while. so there i was sitting on the sand and eating my pomelo and reading the alchemist when after a while, i heard a man going "hello."

i turned to my left and squating next to me was the tuk tuk driver. i was a bit surprised and said hi. we talked about the hotel being closed and i asked him whether he knew and why hadn't he told me but he could only smile sheepishly and i guess i must've looked a bit disappointed but i said never mind.

"you got some time now?" he asked.

i didn't want to give an answer because the tuk tuk drivers there were like vultures and i didn't want to give this vulture any more of my precious baht.

"you got some time now? i also think too much. i take you around."

i didn't understand what he meant by "too much" though i was thinking it had something to do with my 300baht which was now in his pockets. but i still didn't want to give an answer because i didn't want to pay him any more and what if he wanted to kidnap me?

"i take you around. ok? free?"

hmm...free. i thought about it for like less than 7 seconds and decided hell, why not? next thing i knew, i was getting up and dusting the sand off my bum and following him back to his tuk tuk. i sat infront with him this time and he brought me around the coast line of phuket, showing me karon and kata beach. then he brought me to one of the highest points in phuket called the viewing point where i got a splendid view of the phuket shoreline which really took my breath away and i swore i could've cried. we sat down for a while on a rock just staring out into the sea and the life below and the tuk tuk driver started taking out something from his pocket and rolling it. then he lighted it. it was a cigarette but i was quite worried that it was some kind of drug because i rememberd that before i had gotten into his tuk tuk for the first time, i heard another tuk tuk driver tell me he takes marijuana. i didn't know whether he was joking or not but i was afraid that whatever he was smoking now would make him high and the place was deserted really and who knew what he would do. i knew i was taking a risk the moment i stepped into the tuk tuk actually but i also felt i was living out my ian wright dreams. ah well.

anyway, time was running out and i knew i had to go back cos everyone would be waiting for me back at the hotel to go for dinner. so i told him i had to go and he drove me back all the way to my hotel. for free of course. haha.

on the way back, he was showing me where he goes to drink with his friends and where he goes to smoke marijuana. of course, i kind of lectured him about marijuana. but it was probably just water of a duck's back. that night, my friends and i were actually planning on going to a bar with a good live band. and this guy looked like he might know of good ones so i asked him to recommend me some. instead, he elbowed my elbow and said, "you and me, go tonight?" in a really cheeky way.

"haha nar. i'm going with my friends tonight." i said shyly. i was like oh man what have i got myself into. then he asked whether i had a boyfriend and i should have said yes right but i didn't want to lie so i said no. and he took out his handphone and asked me for my number.

i kept telling him it was alright and no. and after a while i said, "ok, you give me your number" so that he would stop asking. and he agreed. so i keyed in his number infront of him and turns out his name is A (or rather his nickname; they all give themselves nicknames in thailand.). then he said, "test."

ok miss smarty pants a.k.a. shireen decided to just test to show him she really had his number just to make him stop asking. but the moment i pressed the call button, i saw my number appear on his handphone and i went.."oh shit" in my head.

that cheeky tuk tuk driver now had my number! anyway, throughout the ride, he was still being cheeky but in a harmless way and i guess i did enjoy myself and the element of risk made in more thrilling in a way. but i knew i was lucky. he finally did drop me back at my hotel where everyone was waiting for me.

anyway, slightly more than a week later, i had gone to get a new handphone with my mom. my sim card was too full so i had to manually write down some of the phone numbers i wanted to transfer from my old phone to my new phone. one of those numbers was A's. i didn't know whether to transfer his number or not but decided to anyway because it was the only thing i had to remind me of that adventure.

the following day, i was having dinner with a friend and who should call but A! i was really surprised because it was already more than a week since i left phuket and i hadn't seen him or heard from him since then. and there was his name blinking on my phone. hesitantly, i answered the call and heard his familiar voice. we chatted for a short while because we couldn't really understand each other anyway but i managed to listen to his high-pitched laughter again. and as i recalled how he looked like, i suddenly realised he resembled a little hobbit. cheeky face, small-sized and always laughing.

he did call again 2 days later but i let the phone ring too long i guess.

all this happened because of those letters. and guess what? the letter i posted to my family finally arrived in the post TODAY. it was in a bad state. the letter must have gotten wet and the ink had seeped through the paper and stained the envelope. worst part was, my mom opened it and read it out loud in front of me. and i suddenly remembered i had written something about drinking beer in the letter. they were supposed to have received the letter while i was in thailand and i had added that part cheekily so that they would not be able to do anything about it. but i didn't expect my mom to be reading it infront of me today especially after that drunken incident a week or so back. you should have seen her stare. my mom has a very powerful stare by the way.

anyway, i don't feel so shitty whenever things screw up these days. i seem to be able to take it more in stride. i guess it's because i've come to realise that this is life and it is made up of all these inifinite moments which compliment each other and bring me to where i am and where i am going to go. and as long as i try my best and i am true, i don't have to worry. i just have to trust. and every moment is an opportunity to learn and if i have learnt nothing, then it is all in vain. there is never a dead end and there is always a way.

totally related and totally unrelated, i watched star wars: return of the sith last night. i have never really been a diehard star wars fan but i might convert after watcing that show last night. i was really enlightened. you know the whole debate about good and evil? i must admit that sometimes, i don't know how to draw the line especially in an age where everyone is arguing about relativity. but in one scene, the sith lord and anakin were having a conversation about good and evil. what was the difference between a dark lord and a jedi? they were both as powerful. yet, the former was evil and the latter was good. but what determines what is good or evil? evil, said anakin, is driven by passion for one's own power whereas good is driven by selflessness, love. in hearing that, it all suddenly made sense to me. two people can have exactly the same gifts and power but being driven by different things, the outcome is totally different. and in this show, it was easy to see how people get sucked into the darkside. and i realised that the blackhole theory i always use as an analogy is so real. it always starts with something small. it's not our power which makes us evil. it's our weakness for power which does. and only love can conquer this.

it's a really good show if you ignore some of the cheesy bits. there are some very good lessons to bring back about life and love. i'd definitely recommend it to anyone.

there is just so much life i want to share but staring at the computer screen too long has made my eyes tired.

we'll meet again further down the river
and share what we both discovered
and revel in the view...

i got back from thailand on monday night. everything seemed to remind me of something i had seen or felt or heard or tasted or touched or smelt in thailand. but as the days went by, it all started to feel like a dream. i would suddenly remember something and get so excited about it and tell the people nearest to me about it. they'd laugh or smile politely but i guess they'd never really be able to feel it all the way i did. and now, i realise that the memories of the past 2 weeks are all i have left to hold on to of the trip. i did bring a video camera but i didn't capture any footage of the best parts of my trip. those were the times i wanted to be completely overcome by the experience.

as i said in my previous post i think...it's such a shame to forget. i never want to forget. the adventure with the cheeky tuk tuk driver who called himself A. the jam session with the Thai guys in the little tattoo shop in Phuket on that rainy Saturday night. horny ang moh men and young thai girls trying to pick up each other in the clubs and streets of patong, a place which never seems to sleep. sitting on the deck of the boat with our legs dangling over the sides as we left Phi Phi island, with the beach soundtrack plugged into our ears. the way the waves looked as we sailed through the "storm". diving into the plunge pool at the waterfall in khaolak. climbing up and down like water monkeys. the long rides in the song diaos and the back of pick-up trucks and the deadly knots in my dusty hair after that. the soggy gloves and wrinkled hands as a consequence of cement soaking through my gloves. the long trains of transferring bricks. twisting wires till i got addicted. ong and pot. pot and his cheeky smile. the kids we met in the village on the 2nd day. the quaint little old takuapa town. the old couple who ran the laundry service who were harrassed by the unbelievable amount of clothes they suddenly had to wash. the dim sum coffeeshop where we had breakfast. cheap $0.40 crepes and cha-yen noms(iced tea with milk). gorging on 3 ice-creams in a single day. the bartender allowing us to go behind the bar and mix our own drinks. winning the first round of the table quiz and losing hopelessly after that. the nights on the rooftop, looking at stars and talking and eating junk and drinking beer. the cockroach incidents. learning how to use a coil. the last night of the expedition when everyone got drunk and stupid. the karaoke sessions. talking to kun n a.k.a. zombak. kun chawali. rita and i impulsively buying the bbq fish at the market for god-knows-what reason. standing at the back of the song diao, staring at the stars and feeling like we were flying. jun. playing dummy. bint and his stories. writing letters in my little notebook and desperately looking for post offices. big-time shopping in little convenience stores. charades with storekeepers who didn't understand us and vice-versa. curious passerbys. the crazy indian guys in phuket (haha). the 3 of us walking around in our straw hats like the 3 stooges. going to the airport 12 hrs too early on the last day. spending the whole day in the shopping centre after that. standing up to pay our respects to the king of thailand as a video of him was flashed in the cinema just before our show started. sheryl snoring while she sprawled herself out on a few seats in the empty cinema. sheryl's crazy sleeping habits! buying speakers and playing our music everywhere, on the song diao, on the rooftop, in our room. the elephant limestone caves. the boatride to james bond island. the lovely food we had for all our meals. hunting for a dental clinic. mad shopping urges. being flat broke on the last day and stranded in phuket cos we had the wrong flight timing. sheryl getting my dad's swiss army knife confiscated cos she kept it in her hand-carry bag as she needed it for sewing her rainbow-coloured pouch. sheryl's obsession with her rainbow pouch. sheryl getting high. rita and her "somewhere" guy. the taxi drivers hovering around us like vultures. the bautiful music the guitarists at the central festival shopping centre enveloped us in as we peered at the paintings and art pieces on display that first night in phuket. sleeping like a bunch of homeless bums outside starbucks cos it was so early and everything was closed. ant ant ants everywhere. scorching hot sun as we worked at the construction sites. amrit and the concubines. playing charades and soccer during breaks. the girl called naam. hong naam yu ti nai? thao rai? PAENG! hahaha. (where is the toilet? how much? expensive!) the most beautiful sunset i ever saw. the barren lands of khaolak littered with remains of resorts. the navy vessel perched in the strangest location, after being washed ashore by the tsunami. the holes in the walls caused by those deathly waves that december morning last year. where do i start? where do i begin?

where can i end? how do i end?

i don't think i can type out everything here. but these moments, they will continue to live in my dreams and in my memories. when i am sitting on the bus or walking home or sitting in a boring lecture, i will remember these times and smile.

and one more story before i sleep. not a very pleasant bedtime story though. but here goes...

i got drunk for the first and hopefully, LAST time on friday night. it was at a cocktail party at natasha's house. we met natasha on the trip. she's a blast. she thought us how to mix drinks in khaolak on the night the bartender allowed us to get behind the bar and take over. it was so fun that we agreed we'd have a cocktail party once we got back to singapore. but on friday night, i actually didn't feel like going and just wanted to stay at home. but natasha was leaving and i wanted to see them all so i went in the end.

and i got drunk.

like crazy drunk.

ok it seems really funny now but it was HORRIBLE. all i remember was, i had drunk quite a bit and i don't even know what it was i drunk. then next thing i knew, i was coming out of the toilet and sat down on the floor and my friends were around me. and i knew i kept insisting i was ok and was trying to prove it by reciting everyone's name and apparently i got it all screwed up. next thing i knew, i couldn't sit up straight anymore. after that, i think i was on natasha's bed with my head over a plastic bag. think i was puking. and the last thing i knew, i was lying on the bed and heard someone asking me about my parents. then i can't remember anything else after that.

the next morning, i was shocked out of my wits! i opened my eyes and turned to my right and saw natasha lying next to me. and it was all bright already! my first instinct..."my parents are gonna kill me!" i was puzzled to find myself there. then i looked down and realised i wasn't even wearing my own clothes. apparently they had to change me the night before because of my puking i think. and natasha told me some scary things i did which i shall not publicise here. but my gosh! isn't it scary how you can be alive and do stuff and not be conscious of it??? it's scary to me!!

throughout the whole of saturday, i felt as though i were going to die. i puked and puked the whole day, alternating between the bed and the toilet. i was so thirsty but i couldn't even drink water because i would puke it all out the next minute. couldn't eat anything either. i felt so miserable and pathetic. and after each round of puking, i swore i would never drink so much again. i couldn't even stand drinking water from my water bottle because it reminded me of my drinking the night before which made me feel sick and want to puke again. in short, i was traumatised by how sick i was because of the amount of alcohol i had consumed.

today i felt so good because i felt much better and it felt good to feel better and i was so thankful it was over. it felt so good to be sober and conscious and not sick and not feel like puking. it felt good to be able to be in control and eat and drink water and sit up and talk.

i can't believe all this actually happened. even this feels like a dream too, a dream i'm still trying to understand...what an experience! drinking is BAD! no more getting drunk! staying clean for a long time! forever if possible!

guess we need these experiences to make us aware and learn. and thank goodness i was in my friend's house with friends around. i definitely learnt my lesson and i am really very sleepy now and i should stop typing though i know that if i continue another time it won't be the same cos the moment would have passed but sleep is important and i will just have to type about something else next time.