i feel happy. spending time with my family really helps no matter how chaotic it gets sometimes. at the end of the day, despite all the fights and quarrels and words tinged with hurt, they still love me and i love them. i feel safe and secure and genuinely loved for all that i am.

yesterday, my heart felt like a squish ball. my stomach felt like it had been punched. i just couldn't eat. couldn't sleep. thoughts kept darting around like those snitch balls in harry potter in my mind and i couldn't catch them and make them disappear. to top it all off, i had to meet my orientation group which i am faciliating for dinner last night. every fibre of my being was telling me to run away and go home. but i stayed till the end. i was as chatty as ever. never running out of stuff to talk about. even found it in me to plan a prank with my buddy on the group. all the while, my stomach was in knots. but i survived. and i realised i could be strong and my spirit cannot be destroyed and no matter what happens, i'll always have that in me.

i'm feeling much better today. i was reading those everyday sayings in my grandma's room and it said something about beginning everyday anew. today, i was in the car and we were driving by many familiar places which brought back the familiar knots in my stomach. and i realised what the landmakr forum finally meant by life is meaningless and empty. not in the negative way. it meant that life was a blank slate and it was us who attached meanings to it and filled it up with our memories and hurts, carrying these big baggages around when we don't have to. and that was what i was doing. and suddenly the phrase, "the time is now", just made alot of sense to me. that the time is now and there was no point carrying all these heavy backpacks full of rubbish around when they were from a different time. and if the time is now, why were we leaving traces of our past strewn across everywhere like a messy battlefield after the war?

and phaemie, thanks for talking and being here for me and going through this with me. even if you sometimes wonder whether you should come back, i am really thankful when you do. you are really very special and beautiful and you touch my life in more ways than one. thank you! =)

today, i feel as though i really began anew. i slept well. i slept in. i went for a nice, peaceful mass. had a good lunch with my dad and brothers. went to visit my relatives whom i really love. i feel strong and i feel brave. i could even eat heartily. and my heart didn't pound and my stomach didn't cave in when i saw those colourful stripes. i know i can get through this. and i will!