my face was covered in spots today. it was bumpy and swollen and itchy all over. as though my head had entered a beehive. ok maybe not so bad. but i felt horrid. didn't feel like going anywhere but did so anyway. i felt ashamed to show my face around and wanted to avoid bumping into people i knew. i know it's nothing life-threatening and not such a big deal but it made me think of lepers and people who had skin disfigurations or even the normal dreaded acne problems. there were the ones who could accept and love themselves anyway. then, there were those who couldn't bear to look at themselves because they detested what greeted their sights so much. i think i was a mixture of both today. i felt as beautiful and alive as ever. until i looked into the mirror. but when the moment passed, i would forget about what i saw and remember who i really am. perhaps today i will be a girl with a bumpy, patchy face. and tomorrow, i will have crystal clear complexion. and then ten years may pass by or less and my face will start to have these wrinkles and spots. but i will be who i am till the end.

so many things made me feel like crying today. and a few succeeded in doing so. but something embedded deep inside me was excited and joyful because it knew that life was still beautiful and magical and great things were about to happen in the midst of all that sadness and suffering. it kept my heart beating and my chin, up.

it's really hard to see how all these can be so right when these same things tear you apart inside. but it's imperfection that leads us to the path of perseverance towards perfection and that is the paradox of life, like everything else.

the more i learn, the more i realise just how much i have yet to learn. and the more i don't know just how much more there is to learn. and suddenly, i realise i am not already twenty but only twenty.

i look around me and see and hear my stories being retold over and over again by different people. i want to help them. i want to show them what i've learnt so that they'll avoid more pain and destruction. i want to tell them that there is hope and that it's love that will free them. i wish i could tell them sooo many things. then i try to remember how i learnt. and i realised i learnt it all the long and hard way. then i look at these people again and decide there isn't really much for me to say and that i don't really have to say anything. people need to experience life, not just hear about it. but people also need people. and that is what i'm here for.

i'm really trying my best to think straight and focus as i type out this post. so i'm sorry if my post is terribly disjointed and not making any sense. i'm too tired to even know whether it's making sense or not. and hope, there aren't too many spelling mistakes. if there are, you've probably have guessed what i was trying to say anyway.

aargh, getting so long-winded and whatever.

whatever it is, hello and cya later...