my grandma called to thank me just now because i got khai to buy her the 3 bottles of johnsons baby cologne she wanted. she said it couldn't be found in singapore so i got khai to buy it from malaysia. haha, thanks khai. my grandma wants a crossword puzzle book to occupy her mind. so, gonna try, no, gonna get it for her. it's time to start keeping my sweet words and not just giving them.

i'll be taking off for thailand tomorrow morning. yes, again. haha. i'll be in bangkok until thursday. i know the main purpose is supposed to be shopping. but i'm quite sure i'm NOT going to spend my whole time shopping. haha. not sure why but i feel a bit scared and anxious.

been thinking alot about "awkward silence". like when you are with one or more people and there reaches a point in time when the conversation reaches a lull or a deadend and for some reasons you start panicking or trying your best to think of another topic to fill up the space. what i'm trying to know is..why does silence become awkward? what meaning do we attach to silence that makes it such an awkward thing? is it because it is so out of place from the noise of our lives? but then, why do we rush to exterminate silence just because it is out of place? almost like...we are so afraid of it.

for me, i'm wondering. maybe it's because the silence will expose my true emotions, who i really am. the moment there is silence, i am naked. you might find out that i'm actually scared of you and can't bear to look you in the eye otherwise. you might find out how intense i am. you might feel that there is nothing in the space between. worse, you might turn and walk away.

it seems i've started to use talking as my shield. something which used to scare me so much now gives me power and makes me feel so good about myself that it gives me power; that i have the power to overpower it. err...

yet, there are some whom i can experience total silence with and not feel scared or angry or judged one bit. and in that silence, i am understood and loved and forgiven and embraced. i feel more rested and secure than ever in fact. because i can be at peace with the one i love and with myself. they talk about silence and how sacred it is. i believe that THIS is the kind of silence i crave for. the kind of silence which allows me to grow and to love and to be in harmony with life. not the deafening or awkward kind...

silence is such a mysterious thing because of the somewhat powerful effects it has on us. i really have much to learn about the power of silence and to practice it not just through my mouth, but in my heart, mind and soul.

right now, my soul seems too noisy and i am experiencing some sort of restlessness. i don't know whether it's because i've been doing too many things or whether it's because my soul is just too noisy inside. at first, i felt so accomplished because i was doing so many things. it is an accomplishment for me because it means that i got through fear and laziness. then, i felt so accomplished because i was meeting so many people, old friends and new ones, and was able to start conversations so easily and connect with people and talk. this is an accomplishment because talking can really scare me. but, if all this should give me peace, why is it so noisy inside?

like i was telling jeremy about how i used to feel at one point. life, at that time, was like a busy highway with no traffic lights. i was trying to cross it and it got tiring. and i found that after a while, i just wanted to go "home". i think that's how i'm feeling now. in a way.

i need to go "home" to the most important thing.