my face was covered in spots today. it was bumpy and swollen and itchy all over. as though my head had entered a beehive. ok maybe not so bad. but i felt horrid. didn't feel like going anywhere but did so anyway. i felt ashamed to show my face around and wanted to avoid bumping into people i knew. i know it's nothing life-threatening and not such a big deal but it made me think of lepers and people who had skin disfigurations or even the normal dreaded acne problems. there were the ones who could accept and love themselves anyway. then, there were those who couldn't bear to look at themselves because they detested what greeted their sights so much. i think i was a mixture of both today. i felt as beautiful and alive as ever. until i looked into the mirror. but when the moment passed, i would forget about what i saw and remember who i really am. perhaps today i will be a girl with a bumpy, patchy face. and tomorrow, i will have crystal clear complexion. and then ten years may pass by or less and my face will start to have these wrinkles and spots. but i will be who i am till the end.

so many things made me feel like crying today. and a few succeeded in doing so. but something embedded deep inside me was excited and joyful because it knew that life was still beautiful and magical and great things were about to happen in the midst of all that sadness and suffering. it kept my heart beating and my chin, up.

it's really hard to see how all these can be so right when these same things tear you apart inside. but it's imperfection that leads us to the path of perseverance towards perfection and that is the paradox of life, like everything else.

the more i learn, the more i realise just how much i have yet to learn. and the more i don't know just how much more there is to learn. and suddenly, i realise i am not already twenty but only twenty.

i look around me and see and hear my stories being retold over and over again by different people. i want to help them. i want to show them what i've learnt so that they'll avoid more pain and destruction. i want to tell them that there is hope and that it's love that will free them. i wish i could tell them sooo many things. then i try to remember how i learnt. and i realised i learnt it all the long and hard way. then i look at these people again and decide there isn't really much for me to say and that i don't really have to say anything. people need to experience life, not just hear about it. but people also need people. and that is what i'm here for.

i'm really trying my best to think straight and focus as i type out this post. so i'm sorry if my post is terribly disjointed and not making any sense. i'm too tired to even know whether it's making sense or not. and hope, there aren't too many spelling mistakes. if there are, you've probably have guessed what i was trying to say anyway.

aargh, getting so long-winded and whatever.

whatever it is, hello and cya later...

i wonder...how did dashboard confessionals come up with their name? here i was about to start a post when i realised that this thing i'm typing in is called the dashboard and kinda like my confessional. just one of those sporadic thoughts floating about...

then i started wondering why i even wanted to start a post in the first place. what on earth did shireen so desperately want to say at 3.05 in the morning? apparently, a) it slipped her mind, b) she fell asleep with her eyes open, c) nothing.

everyday is so different. i wonder what tomorrow will bring, who i will meet, where i will go. what i will learn...

and for that, a good night's sleep is absolutely necessary..

p.s. terence, you wanted my site feed enabled. i wonder if that's a good idea looking at the type of posts i am capable of posting i.e. this one.

i don't get it. i don't know why i'm so happy. or how i got through the week. given all that happened the week before.

but i'm happy about that.

i love the fact that some things elude my understanding. i love the fact that i don't know everything. i love the fact that the universe is so big. and the fact that i am but a mere speck. i love the fact that learning will never stop. i love the fact that i'll never be able to listen to all the possible permutations 7 notes of music can make in one lifetime. i love the fact that it'll take forever to read all the books in the world. i love the fact that there is sooooo much to discover about just one person, and what more all the people in the world. i love the fact that i don't always get what i want, as painful as it seems and feels. i love the fact that i'm not perfect and will never have everything. i love the fact that it's not always a bed of roses.

i love the fact that life is so much more than all this and that i am so small and yet, so vital for living.

thank you, mister god! it's all so overwhelming and breathtaking...all of it...

i feel happy. spending time with my family really helps no matter how chaotic it gets sometimes. at the end of the day, despite all the fights and quarrels and words tinged with hurt, they still love me and i love them. i feel safe and secure and genuinely loved for all that i am.

yesterday, my heart felt like a squish ball. my stomach felt like it had been punched. i just couldn't eat. couldn't sleep. thoughts kept darting around like those snitch balls in harry potter in my mind and i couldn't catch them and make them disappear. to top it all off, i had to meet my orientation group which i am faciliating for dinner last night. every fibre of my being was telling me to run away and go home. but i stayed till the end. i was as chatty as ever. never running out of stuff to talk about. even found it in me to plan a prank with my buddy on the group. all the while, my stomach was in knots. but i survived. and i realised i could be strong and my spirit cannot be destroyed and no matter what happens, i'll always have that in me.

i'm feeling much better today. i was reading those everyday sayings in my grandma's room and it said something about beginning everyday anew. today, i was in the car and we were driving by many familiar places which brought back the familiar knots in my stomach. and i realised what the landmakr forum finally meant by life is meaningless and empty. not in the negative way. it meant that life was a blank slate and it was us who attached meanings to it and filled it up with our memories and hurts, carrying these big baggages around when we don't have to. and that was what i was doing. and suddenly the phrase, "the time is now", just made alot of sense to me. that the time is now and there was no point carrying all these heavy backpacks full of rubbish around when they were from a different time. and if the time is now, why were we leaving traces of our past strewn across everywhere like a messy battlefield after the war?

and phaemie, thanks for talking and being here for me and going through this with me. even if you sometimes wonder whether you should come back, i am really thankful when you do. you are really very special and beautiful and you touch my life in more ways than one. thank you! =)

today, i feel as though i really began anew. i slept well. i slept in. i went for a nice, peaceful mass. had a good lunch with my dad and brothers. went to visit my relatives whom i really love. i feel strong and i feel brave. i could even eat heartily. and my heart didn't pound and my stomach didn't cave in when i saw those colourful stripes. i know i can get through this. and i will!

i wonder what is this fascination i have with seeing my heart crumble before my eyes, when i know i could have, should have turned away when i had the chance to. i wonder how torn it will become before i am unable to make out the shreds that was my heart. i wonder why i choose to lose. i wonder why i am thinking of all this. am i thinking too much and for nothing?

i wonder what is the purpose of this post.

just got back from thailand yesterday. bangkok is really different from phuket or khaolak. the moment i stepped into the bangkok airport, i could tell it was going to be a totally different experience and i was right.

i felt a bit sad and disoriented on the whole of the first day after touching down. i was struggling to find something good, something true. i missed the sincerity and the warmth of old takuapa in khaolak. the friendliness and laid back attitudes of the friends we made in phuket. the joy and simplicity of eating street food without having to worry so much. it's as though we always had to watch our back lest we get cheated or something. and how sex sells!

"want to see thai girl show? ping pong balls? bottle caps?"

it just made me feel empty inside. and empty vessels make the most noise right? my soul felt restless and the noise inside was deafening and unbearable. i felt sad because these people felt they had no choice,other than to lie, to cheat and to pervert. they sell things for prices way over the top. some taxi drivers refuse to turn on their meters. the tuk tuk drivers are up to some treacherous ploy behind their crooked smiles. you are approached every few seconds by these friendly blokes with menus only to realise it's sex they are selling.

they think it's the faster and easier way. but it's not. it's worse. the truth always has a way of coming out. and whatever is hidden will be revealed in the time to come. it made me think of starwars. there were the good taxi drivers who switched on their meters. the gracious shopowners who didn't cheat. the kind lady who offered us help for free. then there were the taxi drivers who didn't play according to the rules and stuck up middle fingers. the tuk tuk driver who charged us more because we wouldn't go see that thai girl show. the shopowners who cheat. it's like how anakin turned to the dark side. it's not the faster and easier route. it's an uglier route which leads to decay.

on wednesday evening, we went for mass. (we had also gone the day before and i was amazed and overwhelmed by the peace that enveloped me when my soul had been so heavy and noisy before that) i had not eaten lunch before that and i was hungry. and i thought about my hunger. and i thought about the people i had seen. and a prayer formed in my mind after receiving the eucharist. i realised that was what we needed. i could feed the hungry with love. quench the thirsty with love. clothe the naked and cold with love. cure the lonely and abandoned with love.

and i didn't feel so hungry anymore.

love seems like the harder and longer way. but it's the more beautiful way and it leads to life and times of refreshing.

nevertheless, i did have a really good time ultimately and maybe because of those powerful experiences. my entourage consisted of a fantastic bunch of people. alvin, mel lee, kelly (my roommate), dominic and merrill. we were never short of laughter and love.

by the end of the trip, i managed to find it. there was goodness. there was truth. anywhere and everywhere. it's in all of us. do we choose to live in disgrace and ignore the divine in us? that is the question. somehow, while i was there in the heart of bangkok, powerful messages about life and love were revealed to me. keep your eyes open! said the travelling guru in me. there is so much to see! and keep your heart and mind open! and be in awe...

my grandma called to thank me just now because i got khai to buy her the 3 bottles of johnsons baby cologne she wanted. she said it couldn't be found in singapore so i got khai to buy it from malaysia. haha, thanks khai. my grandma wants a crossword puzzle book to occupy her mind. so, gonna try, no, gonna get it for her. it's time to start keeping my sweet words and not just giving them.

i'll be taking off for thailand tomorrow morning. yes, again. haha. i'll be in bangkok until thursday. i know the main purpose is supposed to be shopping. but i'm quite sure i'm NOT going to spend my whole time shopping. haha. not sure why but i feel a bit scared and anxious.

been thinking alot about "awkward silence". like when you are with one or more people and there reaches a point in time when the conversation reaches a lull or a deadend and for some reasons you start panicking or trying your best to think of another topic to fill up the space. what i'm trying to know is..why does silence become awkward? what meaning do we attach to silence that makes it such an awkward thing? is it because it is so out of place from the noise of our lives? but then, why do we rush to exterminate silence just because it is out of place? almost like...we are so afraid of it.

for me, i'm wondering. maybe it's because the silence will expose my true emotions, who i really am. the moment there is silence, i am naked. you might find out that i'm actually scared of you and can't bear to look you in the eye otherwise. you might find out how intense i am. you might feel that there is nothing in the space between. worse, you might turn and walk away.

it seems i've started to use talking as my shield. something which used to scare me so much now gives me power and makes me feel so good about myself that it gives me power; that i have the power to overpower it. err...

yet, there are some whom i can experience total silence with and not feel scared or angry or judged one bit. and in that silence, i am understood and loved and forgiven and embraced. i feel more rested and secure than ever in fact. because i can be at peace with the one i love and with myself. they talk about silence and how sacred it is. i believe that THIS is the kind of silence i crave for. the kind of silence which allows me to grow and to love and to be in harmony with life. not the deafening or awkward kind...

silence is such a mysterious thing because of the somewhat powerful effects it has on us. i really have much to learn about the power of silence and to practice it not just through my mouth, but in my heart, mind and soul.

right now, my soul seems too noisy and i am experiencing some sort of restlessness. i don't know whether it's because i've been doing too many things or whether it's because my soul is just too noisy inside. at first, i felt so accomplished because i was doing so many things. it is an accomplishment for me because it means that i got through fear and laziness. then, i felt so accomplished because i was meeting so many people, old friends and new ones, and was able to start conversations so easily and connect with people and talk. this is an accomplishment because talking can really scare me. but, if all this should give me peace, why is it so noisy inside?

like i was telling jeremy about how i used to feel at one point. life, at that time, was like a busy highway with no traffic lights. i was trying to cross it and it got tiring. and i found that after a while, i just wanted to go "home". i think that's how i'm feeling now. in a way.

i need to go "home" to the most important thing.

i think that spontaneous chemical reactions occur in me from time to time. maybe not chemical. i don't know what you call them. for no rhyme or reason, i am suddenly happy and content and a smile creeps up, no, explodes, on my face and an outburst of love overwhelms me and everything is perfect and i could die right then. and just as soon as it comes, it leaves. (sounds manic) these fleeting moments of pure bliss, what do you call them? and where do they come from? where do they go?

i guess it's not entirely spontaneous. there are known triggers. such as the first few notes of a beautiful song. a lovely, bloodred, fiery sunset. walking in the field as i appoach home. the quiet of night. talking to my brothers. a peaceful family outing where everyone talks crap and we laugh with each other.what do they mean by trigger-happy anyway?

i smile alot these days with friends. but it's different from those moments mentioned above. i don't feel that overwhelming sensation spreading across my chest, making my heart beat faster. making me feel that this is it. where i can close my eyes and feel so free and light that i could float away forever.

these moments are just incredibly mysterious and incredibly simple. is that what makes them all the more incredibly sacred?

sometimes we spend too much time and energy analysing the gift. is it good? is it bad? why? how? what? where? when? what the?

why not just say...

thank you. =)

yesterday morning, i woke up and i was aching all over due to the mock orientation camp i went for from monday to wednesday. i started wondering about why my holidays were so busy and cluttered and being a slacker by nature, i wasn't too happy about that. then suddenly, i had no idea what hit me but i was feeling really thankful and excited. i started to look back at all the things i had been busy with since the start of holidays...

my thailand trip, the sec3 confirmation camp, the drama, the landmark forum i attended, all the orientation stuff i have attended and will be attending, the thailand trip i will be going for (yes, i'm going again), my driving...and other little things in between...

i was expecting a really slack 3-4months of holidays considering i didn't take on a job but it doesn't seem to be that way. but i realised that every single one of those things mentioned above really helped me to grow and learn so much this holidays. and realising this, i started to look forward to everything else because it feels like i'm going places and i love adventures and going places. i feel alive!

oh yea, and i also realised my two strongest weaknesses are fear and laziness. and these are my strongest weaknesses because i allow them to be my masters and stop me from doing things. i was so tempted to leave so many things halfway. but this holidays, i really wanted to challenge myself and pressed on despite the inertia. and what did i get out of it? i realised all these things were just what they were and nothing more. i could still go on knowing they were there and despite them. not to hide them but accept that they are there and stare them in their eyes as i march on ahead.

and i realised it's about choices. what do you choose to do? how do you choose to do it? what attitude do you choose to have? how do you choose to see it?

there's one thing i need to get down to though....the mountain in my wardrobe....groooooan...

i've been sleeping pretty much the whole day. was awake for maybe like 4 hours and the rest was spent drifting in and out of sleep. i don't know why i'm so tired. maybe it's the hangover from last night. but i don't think i drank so much, did i? i overslept bigtime and missed my jc class reunion. my head still hurts and my jaws are aching and my left shoulder needs a good massage. was i wrestling yokozuna in my sleep or what??

"come waste your time with me...."

that song (waste) by phish is stuck in my head and i can't, for the life of me, get it out!!

i'm so glad i told the truth. the truth really sets us free and love delights in truth. i feel more free than i've felt in a long time. i still think about alot of stuff but not in a way that entraps me anymore. i feel as though my heart can finally fly for the first time in a long time. the cage was always open. i just never knew i could fly away..ain't that always the case?

so once again, the night is an open slate. i love this open space. the loneliness and the quiet seem almost sacred. where shall i go? what shall i do?

you can take away anything you want from me. you can take away my clothes, my money, my heart sometimes. but you can never take away my self-worth. i will always have that. i will always be a child of god. i will always be who i am inside, where god lives in me and where he is the only constant. he lives in my middle and this is why i have purpose and truth and love, just like all else.

i think wisdom is wisdom only if it is rooted in love. on sunday evening, jeevan (my brother) seemed to have been transformed right there in front of me, or maybe, my eyes were being opened. or both. either way, god was making his power known to us through love that evening and as i sat there listening to my brother because there was nothing else i could do but listen, i was in awe of how love had transformed him and made him wise beyond his years. and i was humbled at once, realising how much i didn't know.

it's a really long story. jeremy said he should film a video of my family but as i told him, i think the most beautiful moments in life are usually never really caught on video. like the time i was in thailand, diving into the waterfall. or the time i was dangling my legs over the edge of the boat as the waves splashed below my feet. or like the time i was flying to italy and saw the most stars i had ever seen in my life. or the times when i cycled or jogged to my secret river (which isn't really a secret). and those times when i take reno for walks in the nights, singing to the stars. or those times at night when it is all quiet and i am just about to sleep and i look out of the window and see the most beautiful moonrise...and especially those times in life when you are with certain people and there is that spark or connection and your heart bursts, and those times of deep prayer and that mysterious but magical connection with god...noone can ever get those on tape. we could try but we wouldn't get too far and too near the experience. and those are the moments i will always try to remember and carry in my heart.

was chatting with a friend whom i hadn't spoken to for a while and he was saying how some of the things which feel so natural can feel so wrong and forbidden. and i told him i understood because that's how i'm starting to feel. but i don't say this with a heavy heart. i say it with a confused one. i keep telling myself the door is closed and it's all over and there is no chance. but why do i feel that the opposite is happening? like the gate has been unlocked but the door is still shut tightly except that once i knew it was locked but now i'm not so sure anymore. maybe the opposite really is happening but i know that it probably won't get far because i've been building my walls by the minute. and as what i thought would never happen seems to be happening, i'm further reinforcing the walls. because i don't even dare think about what i'm tempted to think. i don't read so much into anything, or even at all. like i've learnt how to put it all aside. but that small little voice whispering in me...it's starting to become more than a whisper...not sure what all this means. so that's all i'm gonna say about it for now.

phaemie, you probably know what i mean. can't wait..