last night, when i came home, i found a warzone awaiting me at our family area on the third floor. apparently, you could hear them gnawing and scurrying about even before you reached the third floor. like the sound of a machine. like the sound that crackling candy which i used to eat sounded when they crackled in my mouth. we had been invaded by termites!!!

the discovery of this warzone was triggered off by this weird coccoon like thing i saw getting longer along the corner between two walls above the staircase when i went downstairs in the middle of the night sometimes. turned out it was a termite nest and that these termites travel under the paint along the walls. the pesterminators told us that the termites' nest were probably some great distance beneath the house. little did we know how near we were to it.

then yesterday, as aunty was cleaning the family area, she decided to attack the lowest section of the bookshelf first. but you see, there are two bookshelves there which have cupboards on the lowest rungs. because the weight of the books above were so great, it had caused the cupboards to get stuck somehow and thus, noone bothered to open them for the longest time. and when aunty finally did yesterday, it was thriving with termites! there were big holes in everything! they were merciless! holes in the walls of the shelves, big ones! termites in the computer scanner! half-eaten photographs! carrom seeds! i don't know what else. there was powder all over, mini termite sand dunes. all joined together all around the bottom of the shelf. who would've thought such small things could create such havoc and destruction??!!

but it was really fascinating! the sound these termites made, the amount of wood they chewed into and wrecked, the big holes they left behind, the amount of dust and powder they had created....all this from such small, teeny weeny, white thingies...

when i got home, i went to examine the wreckage and my brother (pravin) was telling me about how my mom was crying when she learnt about this termite occupation in our house. he did quite a funny immitation of that haha. because of this discovery of the termite nest, we had to vacate the rest of the contents from the shelf. so lying all around in the family area were old photo albums. and we started picking them up and looking at that one by one. it was such a delightfully funny moment. looking at how cute we used to be, the bad hair, the bad fashion, the funny faces we made, the awkward smiles we tried to put on when taking photos, the funny and silly times, the holidays, the parties, the cousins, the weddings, people who had passed on, how skinny we used to be...so many things. my brothers, aunty and i were just standing there, glued to the albums, laughing heartily photo after photo. all this was happening while we were standing right next to the termite nest. we were making so much noise teasing each other and laughing and my mom was downstairs telling us to pipe down but we ignored her. i think she was sore that she couldn't come up and join in what was going on because she was too scared of the termite nest. but she finally came up and joined in too.

this morning, the pesterminators came and my mom told me to wake up because they were going to treat the whole third floor. i didn't wanna wake up yet so i went down with my eyes barely opened and knocked urgently on my brother's (jeevan's) room door to let me go in and sleep for a while. as i was trying to resume my sleep on the floor, my parents and one of the pesterminators walked into the room and i was like ..@!^@*&()! haha. then my dad said to the pesterminator, "don't mind this thing! it's just a big pest." then i rolled the blanket up over my face but it wasn't so nice sleeping like that with the poor guy trying to do his job in the room and me sprawled out in the middle of the room on the floor...so i shifted location and decided it was time to take a shower and head down for my music practice. and whaddaya know! mama let me drive haha. jeevan said i was good! thanks, jeevan! it was such an honour being able to drive people around. =)

it's been a long day but i don't really feel the weight of it. every yesterday seems like a century ago. and somehow, when i fall into the present moment, i don't seem to regret a single yesterday. right now at least. sure there were unpleasant things that happened which i wish i could erase and somehow have to a certain extent. and there are things i know i must and want to do differently. but i am where i am now and i love it (it is far from perfection and yet, perfect) and it's those yesterdays that brought me here.

i was thinking about what happened yesterday (yesterday is still wednesday to me) and the more i think about it, the more i feel that though what happened was unpleasant, it was a was really a wonderful opportunity for me to grow. in case you're wondering what happened, well, to cut it short, i had met that same guy again and his intentions weren't all that pure. but somehow, after the fear and initial anger subsided, i still felt sorry for him. loneliness and rejection for years had turned him into who he was. and while he did have a choice on how he would respond to his losses and hurts, we all had a choice too. the people around him had a choice too. they could have chosen to stay, to love him, to help him. there's always something we can do. it's not always the things we do that hurt others. sometimes the things we do not do have greater consequences than we ever imagined. i don't think it's safe for me to go back there alone and it's sad because i think that's how it's been for him. people get scared and run away. a viscious cycle that feeds on itself. but i'm not really scared of him now though just a few hours ago, i was still feeling freaked out about it. i don't want to be another who contributes to the darkness in his life. god, please guide me...

yes, as crazy as it sounds, i'm thankful for yesterday because it opened the eyes of my heart to some very big things. could i love murderers and rapists and grumpy bitchy teachers and egoistical bullies just as i love my friends and family and the friendly shop-keeper and the bubbly little nun and my cute lil dog? could i still love the people who deceive me and hurt me and take advantage of me and run me to the ground especially when all i had were good intentions for them? would my anger and hate and ugly thoughts and words and actions be justified by the hurt others have placed upon me? is revenge really sweet? are nonchalance and apathy really resilience? are people who hurt me really people i should run away from and avoid and ignore or is the fact that they are in my life really a calling for me to love them and be a light for them in their darkness? likewise, who am i hurting and whose flame am i killing? do i only love when it's easy? does my love come with a price-tag and conditions attached?

i don't think that what happened was really as bad as it seems (what with all these questions and thoughts it triggered off) but it was enough. i know i was being looked out for and watched over and all i was there for was to learn and to love. and love was covering me and i had nothing to fear. even if something worse happened, it wouldn't take away that fire inside. temporarily, the flame might flicker. but only temporarily.

thank you so much for this day, this moment, this music, these words, these thoughts, these experiences, these blessings, the cool air, this roof over my head, these clothes to cover me and keep me warm, these hands to type these words, these eyes to see, these ears to hear, this computer, this bed i'm lying on, my family who loves me, aunty, reno, being able to go to school, a driving licence, food to fill my stomach, water to quench my thirst, and so much more...

and yet, even if i do not have all these, i still thank you for loving me and knowing me and choosing me to have life and to breathe...and with my one typing breath left, i say thank you... =)

(p.s. in another breath, where are you? i hope you are fine. you should know who you are.. =P)

well, well, so i passed driving. it was all so surreal and over so soon. i didn't even make a u-turn. and i didn't stall at all! but i still can't legally drive yet because i hated the instant photo i blew 9bucks on at the centre. so i'm going back later with a shot i got taken professionally last time. c'mon! it's my driving licence! it better look good after all this...

anyway, a big thank you to everyone who prayed for me and supported me. and my parents who paid for my lessons. and of course, aunty helen! i'm sure gonna miss having lessons with her. it was fun and lovely to the very end...

before the test, those who were to take the 245pm test were made to sit in the test reception area and be matched to their testers and test routes by a balloting process. a very nervous lady took a seat next to me while waiting. she turned out to be a housewife who was taking manual lessons so that she could go around more and be able to fetch her children around as well. there was a lady sitting across who seemed to be the life of the room. i think it was her 2nd or 3rd time taking the test. when the ballot results were out, she created quite a racket because she got route 6, which according to what she heard, was the worst route together with route 7. everyone seemed to be really friendly with each other though we hadn't met one another before, perhaps because we were all so nervous and anxious. somehow, i wasn't so nervous in the end. i managed to convince myself that the tester was just a normal human being and it was going to be an honour having him sit beside me as my first official passenger and that i was to treat him well. haha. i was supposed to lead him to the car and i walked almost with a skip even. and before i knew it, the test was over! then they made those who passed watch a video. i made friends with some of those who passed and they were really nice people. one of them was so funny. she was deciding whether to sms her crush to tell him that she passed. i wonder whether she did.

haha i'm having a voice conversation with joyce khoo on msn and i'm calling her all variations of a chicken. this whole thing is sooo weird!

argh. i'm having a headache and my stomach feels bad. i'm having a headache because we were watching videos we took while we were on holiday in italy last year. but what triggered the headache was the terrible video-taking skills ( i won't even call that SKILL) my family possesses!!! zooming in and out, here and there, everywhere, at the speed of lightning! i thought i was going to pass out with giddyness! i mean, 3 minutes on an amusement park ride is alright. but 1 hour plus of that is just insane. and we have more tapes to go. and we insist on watching everyone. so we just sat there commenting and laughing and trying to guess who the bad camera man/woman was and making ourselves sick with the poor filming. my stomach feels bad because i think i ate tooooo much in the last few hours and there are too many things mixed up in my stomach and i just feel like cutting open my stomach and emptying it! aaaaaaaargh!

i was kinda disillusioned today and it left me with a sick feeling in my stomach. besides the sick feeling the food left in my stomach. but alanis morissette once thanked disillusionment and my dad once said that disillusionment is a good thing. i felt a bit angry and cheated at first. but i remembered what someone else once said. people are essentially good. sometimes we just make the wrong choices.

teary eyes and a hearty yawn call out for sleep...

tuesday was a good day.

2 hours driving in the morning was just too much though. i was making the seat too hot for my own butt's comfort and my left leg was so tired from depressing and releasing the clutch pedal until there were a few instances where i almost totally released to stretch my leg for a while when the gear was still engaged! anyway, my driving test is today at 2.45pm!!! and before that, another 2 hr lesson. which means more than 2hrs of driving! but don't complain, shireen! you need the practice! PLEASE LET ME PASS!

after that, headed down to school and i enjoyed the bus and train rides because i had alot of time to spare and good music streaming into my ears and no heavy laptop or adaptor to carry and a pretty relaxed day ahead with not a single project meeting in sight!! which meant i could spend the day however i wanted to and go home early even!

marketing class was spent savouring my mocha rumba frapuccino from starbucks, chewing gum, making paper aeroplanes using the gum wrappers, sketching my prof, an island in the sun, my paper aeroplane and the starbucks cup, all on the starbucks paper napkin, exchanging smses with my mom, alvin(about my video cam), merrill(about sharing and driving) and one guy who is my brother's friend whose sister, i just found out, was sitting 2 rows behind me in class just now, and of course, paying attention to what the prof was talking about. there were some good laughs in between.

after marketing class, spent a good hour or so in the library having hell with the computers and printers! some friends thought i was mad because i kept walking past them so many times as i was walking to the printing room. files were deleted, wrong printer, attachment couldn't be open on a different computer, alot of other nonsense...but all's well cos i managed to get them all printed in the end.

then, i finally got the chance to head home! it was a priceless feeling. and as i was walking out of the library building, bumped into zhi and marcus and i think i looked like a crazy happy moron and i explained that i was going home early for the first time in a long time. haha, coming from someone who used to love going home late and would rather go out and walk around or watch a movie or go to borders before going home.

and i must say, i really enjoyed the ride on the way home. i got to sit right infront on the double-decker 147 and i love the view from the front seat because it's like a relaxing amusement park ride and you get to see so many things. after choosing the perfect seat, or so i thought, i plugged in my earphones, took out my BOOST chocolate(YUMMY!) and my storybook and had a really pleasant journey home until...

until i suddenly felt something wet and cold on the sole of my left foot. i looked down and saw that a puddle had gathered below my seat due to rain water from i don't know where and had swished onto my slipper when the bus made a sudden jerk. it was such a disgusting feeling because the slipper felt so slimy after that. but, well, i just adjusted my seating position to avoid the puddle and it was soon forgotten.

as i was reaching my house busstop, i made a split-second decision and before i knew it, i was boarding another bus to svdp to go for mass. and i was really quite early cos it was only 515pm and mass was at 6. but i was happy about this. it meant that i would have time to visit the adoration room there and just pray quietly and rest. something i haven't been doing for a while now.

and the time i spent there was really wonderful. as i was walking in, i saw a mini book on the shelf of books at the entrance and decided to have a look at it. it was about "spiritual hangovers", which, as described in the book, are simply the consequence of over-self-indulgence in our own thoughts and emotions, just like the over-consumption and over-indulgence of alcohol or drugs or whatnot. it talks about how comfortable we become with this spiritual hangover and don't bother to get out of it. i got reminded about my blackhole theory and about how it's so easy to get so comfortable in them and to indulge in anger or depression or whatnot.

mass after that was a really peaceful, beautiful and intimate moment for me and i felt happy and safe and on fire with love inside, a fire burning to fulfil my calling to love everyone and everything no matter what, a desire to be the smallest and the last if that's what it took. the whole hour there at svdp just brought me back home and calmed that restlessness in me. and it was all the consequence of a split-second decision. that's why i once said, sometimes you just do things and you don't know what made you do them but you know you just have to do them anyway, like you were meant to....this was just one of those moments.

and as i was sitting at the svdp busstop, waiting for the bus home, a man who had been sitting two rows behind me in church came and sat next to me. his clothes looked loose on him, his hair was a bit messy and his teeth were really yellow. he had given way to me during communion. so there he was sitting next to me and i could sense he was looking at me and i get very shy when people look at me but it was weird to keep pretending to stare into the space infront of me so i returned his look and he smiled and me and nodded, so well, i smiled back and nodded. and he did that a few more times. and finally, he stretched out his hand to shake mine and asked me what my name was while introducing himself. so i told him i was shireen. and then, he told me his sister and mom and had died and he was living alone. and i was a bit bewildered because i didn't understand why he was telling me this out of the blue. so i asked him when and he said 2 months ago. and we talked a bit. then he showed me a consultation card and i tried to decipher what it read but i couldn't find anything much and felt it wasn't so important to know what was wrong wrong with him(cos i was expecting it to be an institute of mental health card or something) so i handed him back the card. i just felt sad for him because he looked so sad and he would suddenly gaze into the distance every time he said he was living alone. then he told me the name of his sister. and his bus arrived. and he waved goodbye many times before he finally left. my bus arrived just after his and i got on. i passed a busstop and saw that he had gotten down there and he saw me on the bus and waved again...all the way home, i kept thinking about this mysterious lonely man and how much he needed a friend and needed to be loved. is there something i can do? i'm sure there is...and there are so many like him out there....mother teresa once said, "there are many in the world dying for a piece of bread, but there are many more dying for a little love."

but i did not return home feeling sad. i felt joyous still for having met a new friend. he may have been weird and a bit messed up overall, but he treated me with dignity and warmth. and he deserves to be loved anyway. i hope he is alright.

at night, i went for my regular tuesday night sharing and it was pretty nice and cosy cos there were so few of us. we had to restart the song a few times cos we kept singing out of tune and it was so funnY! this never happened before! i think...

supper was great! because of the great company and the hilarious conversations....and the night was then topped off by a heart-to-heart talk with melt. mel tan is a really beautiful and special girl and i love her to bits!!!

yeap, tuesday was good.

driving test, here i come!

(courtesy of Joyce Khoo)
Rules of the game: Post 5 Weird and Random Facts about yourself, then at the end list the names of 5 people who are next in line to do this.

1) i do alot of the things that i enjoy doing while sitting on my toilet bowl like daydreaming, surfing the net, reading books, studying or playing the guitar while seranading to myself. sometimes, i can do a few of those at once or i'd think of new and interesting things to do or read or look at. i think that's where i concentrate best and am really creative. it never gets boring but sometimes, i get carried away and stay for too long...once i even tried to bring the whole yamaha keyboard inside. did i just say that??

2) when eating grapes, i like to use my teeth to peel of the skin first. after eating the skin, i eat the naked grape and it feels great in my mouth! err...

3) i almost drowned my brother, pravin, when i was 5. we were at the deep end of the pool and my swimming coach was signaling something to me from the other end. i thought he wanted me to bring my brother across ala baywatch style. so i slung my arm around my 3-year-old brother and tried to drag him across while swimming at the same time. but after a few strokes, we both started struggling and my brother was panicking and the coach came over and gave me one big scolding. but..but..i was only trying to help...

4) i once stuck a few straws in my hair, carried a bottle in one hand and a piece of paper in the other so that i'd look like the statue of liberty and walked up to a table full of americans at a cafe at the cornell glass museum in US and asked them, "So, what do you think of my new hairdo?" as a dare.

5) i like to go downstairs at weird hours of the night and find a nice movie on tv to watch and have a good cry over it and sit there in awe for a while after that as the credits are rolling.

so now, i have to tag 5 other people to do this right? so i tag...PRAVIN, TERENCE LEONG, PHAEMIE NG, MARS and GRACIE. i don't really know whether all of them read my blog anyway but since i have to tag 5 people, YOU'RE IT!

i'm lying in bed again for the 2nd friday night in a row. haha. but it's not like i can go anywhere anyway. my left knee's busted and my back is really in pain. took part in smu travel club's "Amazing Race" today and i think i almost died haha. we ran from beginning to end. and when we reached the first station, i think i was about to drop to the floor and faint already haha. but it was all good cos we were leading in the beginning. unfortunately..we went to the wrong place for the second station, allowing the another team to catch up. and then, my knee started giving way. and after a while, i couldn't even walk..don't talk about running. and then, when we were on our way to the last station, both my calfs started cramping like crazy and it felt like something was biting them. i just couldn't move and felt paralysed. and can u imagine??? jeremy carried me!! he piggy-backed me and i think it probably felt like he really was carrying a few pigs on his back!!! and then, as we proceeded, my calfs cramped so badly then i couldn't stand it and just fell to the ground. and i was sitting dangerously at a roadside, squirming in pain until jeremy told me to get in. and he tried to help me massage and stretch my calfs and it helped. but after running for another stretch, as we were getting nearer, the calfs cramped up soooo badly again that i just crashed to the pavement again, and this time, i didn't hold back on the expletives.=P

poor teammates. they were trying to help me get rid of the cramps. and they were so nice and patient about it. but i knew that they knew how close we were to winning and yet how far we now seemed. and just across the road, we saw another team catching up. and they reached the station only a split second before us and that was the last station. so they got the headstart back to school first. aargh..so close, we were.

but i really want to thank my teammates! vincent (ng is it?), adrian h'ng and jeremy seah! they were really wonderful and patient and i'm really sorry i was lagging so much and was so unfit! haha. ok fine, i really was a liability. there was some truth in your joke yesterday, jeremy seah! but these three guys were always encouraging me and waiting for me and checking to see wheth....

ok...that's where the post ended. what happened was, i typed out a really really long post. included stuff about the day, the race, my busted knee, my back, my journey home, winning some stuff because i happened to be daydreaming in the right place at the right time, and other miscelleneous stuff. BUT most importantly, i had typed out alot of "thank you"s to various people who i felt like thanking today. and not just regarding the race. very random thank yous but very sincere ones. and it all got deleted cos i accidentally clicked something and till now, i don't even know what i clicked! and this is not the first time!!!!!

but anyway, that post contained alot of thank yous to people who i think don't even read or know about this blog. but i wanted to tell the world about them and how special and wonderful and beautiful they were. i guess, maybe i should tell them directly how much i appeciate them and acknowledge who they are and have been. but i guess typing out the post made me reflect and look into my life to see how blessed i am despite all the stinky poo stuff and to remember the goodness these people bring into my life and the world. it would've been nice to have shared it with whoever reads my blog but well, shit happens. and you know shit has to happen sometimes...

alright...the post started off by saying it was friday night but now it's saturday morning. and i'm going to say...good night...

i was looking through some past entries and came across this one i typed out in april and read a comment there which i had never seen before. it was posted by, whaddaya know, another shireen! and it was a beautiful post. it's so funny...of all times and all previous entries, i click on that particular post today, 15 October 2005, at 1.08am.

hey shireen, nice name i agree!! haha. =P if you still do come here, do leave a shout out alright? =)

some friends are over at neily's house jamming (or attempting to or talking abt it) and playing "i never" drinking games. some others are probably having supper together. me? i'm just sprawled out on my bed at home and it seems like time has stood still on a friday night. sometime during my nap in the afternoon (towards evening), i sprang out of bed and rushed to the toilet to puke out the $12 meal i had for lunch. it felt terrible and gross and exhilirating and liberating all at once. and i didn't know what else to do so i went back to bed, as though there was nothing to do on a friday evening.

some friends called but i was in such a groggy and delusional state that half the time, i didn't know whether the names flashing on my phone or the ringing of my phone were real in the first place. my room was all dark already but i didn't know whether it was night or day and whether i was in my dream or awake. people whose names were flashing on my phone started appearing in my warped dreams. and warped they were!

i feel so far away from the world tonight, floating around in my own little bubble. it's so strange but it feels like the most normal thing right now...

strange...

not sure what happens inside me sometimes these days. contrary to the past, i don't really put meanings to most things these days. but yet, i think i subconsciously do. consciously not doing it while knowing that you subconsciously know what that meaning is, well, it has a numbing effect that makes me walk around with my eyes staring into a distant space at nothing or at things that are barely important at all. makes me feel a sense of relisience and strength, but i can't help but feel in the part of me that still feels and thinks, that maybe it's just pure indifference. it scares me to get thoughts like these especially when i think i've gotten a bit further from where i used to be. it's scary to find you haven't moved anywhere, or worse, fallen behind. i don't know whether i have though.

so i loiter downstairs sometimes at 1, 2 in the morning, not really thinking. plonking myself on the sofa, i channel-switch and hope for something better to come up on the screen with each flick. i smile a little watching a favourite sitcom or cartoon or music video, whatever. sometimes, maybe tear a little. after a while, i turn off the telly and go back up to my room, again not really thinking about anything. a part of me which is always hoping for something better thinks that it's only because i am living in the present. finally. but, as scary as it seems to know it and admit it if it really was the case, why do i feel like i am running away from the present by being so involved in it?

the restlessness stirs in my heart once again and i can sense under the jovial chatter and bright smiles, that something is amiss or off-balance within me. it's time to go home again...

there are some mysteries in life...questions yet to be answered...like...where do all the pigeons disappear to at night? or are there other life forms out there? or what is love?

or when will shireen ever complete her TWC (technology and world change) review paper??

a wise man once said, "the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step." and a girl who tries to be wise has been known to say, "the essay of a thousand words begins with a single word." i need more than just a single word to stay on this journey which ain't even a thousand words but double-spaced, font 12, times new roman, 2 pages long!

so this foolish girl afore-mentioned decided monday afternoon would be the afternoon that she'd last have to worry about the review paper. but monday afternoon came and went. monday night i'm gonna getcha! she said. and monday night strolled along and strolled on by. and then, monday was gone...

and as the wee hours of a tuesday morning slowly spill over, will shireen or won't she?

ah, the mysteries of life. what a headache.

DO IT! DO IT, I SAY!!

as i lie awake, waiting for something unknown to happen, some thoughts drift across my mind. sometimes, i liken my mind to mary poppin's handbag. where does it start or end? what will come out of it next??

this?

anger and hate aren't solutions. they aren't the armours they appear to be either. seems like the easier way out but really, it's none other than a faster and surer way down....down....down....into that blackhole you call a life....

we learnt during marketing class that bad news travels faster than good news through word of mouth. (skipping a few steps in between..) so fear has a stronger grip on humans than love, aye? "it's in line with evolution!" "survival!!" "bla bla bla!"

the opposite of love is not hate. i believe it's fear...and fear stinks! all this talk about wanting to be free and being free. let us not kid ourselves that we are free and happy little birdies when we live in the shadow of fear, hiding behind hate and anger and all those other supposed lean mean fighting machines and then thinking it is us, powerful and invincible. we will be ruined in no time, if we aren't already. oh what a mess, what a mess it'll be...

put on love as your armour. you will find that the real battle is not with your neighbour or the guy you call a #%$@*#. it is within...

i was walking home just now and from a distance, observed a lady walking her owner's dogs. one was on a leash. and another was walking beside her. ( it didn't need a leash) and as i walked on further, i saw the third dog. it was a schnauzer. it, too, didn't require a leash but it was lagging way behind. as though it were lost in its own world but knew where it was anyway. it seemed to have its own distinct personality, and its eyes were bright and sparkling. as i walked nearer, a smile burst onto its face and it walked towards me. and suddenly, there was fireworks in my heart and i smiled to myself all the way home while the lady beat her stick on the ground, causing my five-second-companion to run ahead and catch up with the rest.

they say redbull gives you wings. if redbull gives you wings, then vodka with redbull must give you wings with an f16 turbo engine! i was so alert i was doing CAT till 6am. and woke up a few hours later and did more CAT. no hangover whatsoever even. it's never had such an effect on me before. amazing stuff!

ok, time to get some sleep. 2.41am and a loooong day ahead! whooooopie!