so exam week so aptly fell right smack onto holy week, and what do you know? my very own walk down calvary. and aptly so, i finally break free from the reins of exams on saturday morning. funnily, it's business processes, my cross for almost every monday night of the term!! (long story). and on saturday night, i will celebrate the easter vigil mass. and it'll be kind of like a resurrection for me too.
this whole period of lent. wow. really zoomed by just like that. sundays during lent, i'm sitting in church. it's the 1st sunday of lent. and suddenly it's the 5th. then suddenly, palm sunday comes and we're all holding up our palms (as in the leaves, the really poky ones) and kids are poking their parents and siblings with them and lent is over. just like that.
yet, as i look back over these weeks of lent, so much has happened, within and without. and it's amazing how it all happened in like what, 6 weeks?? how a prayer answered turned my world upside down and left me feeling almost totally deserted at some point and then, soon enough set my heart burning more than it ever did before. yes, in a way, it was my own 40 days in a desert. my own journey like the shepherd boy in the alchemist. the desert...has always fascinated me. how something so barren can enrich and nourish the soul. have you ever seen a desert? for real? i think i mentioned before that i once did. from the plane. and i was totally in awe. because seeing it from that level allowed me to see just how vast and bare it was. it was an awesome sight. like a golden ocean that stretched forever. i could see no beginning and no end. i'm learning to appreciate the beauty of the deserts in my life. there is nothing there, and yet it is ALL there.
so straight after this period of recharging my ammo and this whole process of discovery begins another. again, so apt. a new adventure if i may call it so. next wednesday, i leave for germany. and then, the states. that's 4 months away from home! and my whole summer vacation! i am scared, excited, sad, relieved, stressed, happy, apprehensive, curious, one helluva rojak inside! oh, all the things i have to pack!!!
you know, when i was young, and when we said all those "when we grow up things", i said i wanted to be an adventurer. when i made my brothers act in little skits we put up for fun, i always played the adventurer. shireen the adventurer. i guess i never left that behind. and now i'm 21, an adult so they say, but i'm still shireen the adventurer. and everyday, is nothing short of an adventure. some people ask me how's my day. and if you really got me talking, it's hard fo me to tell you it was just great or ok. so much goes on in a day, in me, around me. by the end of each day, i'm full of stories to tell, as though i just came back from some long expedition. everything has the power to inspire, to speak to me and touch something in me. especially when i let my heart be open. she told me, that my heart, my mind, my life were flowers, all the same one flower. she told me to let it open and see how beautiful it was. i recall that message from time to time and everytime i recall it, i learn something new because of all that has gone on in between.
today, i got home and they said i had a parcel. i was sooooo happy. i love it when i get mail. except that i hardly ever do! except for bank statements. and well this time, i didn't just get a postcard or one of those. i got a parcel!!
all the way from japan! thanks (japan) adrian!! i will not throw away the parcel wrapper for sure!!
ok i want to go on and on and on because my mind is so alive now and i want to talk about everything! but it's 346am and a little (not that little maybe) chimpanzee-by-day-werewolf-by-night might end up looking like a panda because of me if i don't sleep now!
so.......i won't hold these thoughts. i'll let them go for now. but should they ever come again...
so goodnight, world! :)
Friday, April 14, 2006
Saturday, April 08, 2006
i was at the stations of the cross yesterday. a few things struck me...
usually, a feeling of weariness and impatience creep over me even before the stations begin. i just think about all the kneeling and the standing that is to come and how it is not just one but FOURTEEN stations i have to go through. i think about the seeming dreariness of it all and what i'll be doing after that as a reward for going through it. something like the feeling i used to have before netball trainings, just that the only difference was, for stations, i still WANTED to go back. i wanted to go back not because anyone forced me to or i felt obligated to. i want to go back...only because i am in love.
and there i am, sheltered from the rain in an air-conditioned church. the bright lights above illuminate our little stations books so that we read out his passion. cushioned pews make kneeling slightly more merciful. and for 30 minutes, just 30 minutes, i relive his passion, trying to see what he saw, what he heard, how he felt...what they saw, what they heard, how they felt. except that, i was not the one who felt the stinging blows of the cruel whip, who wore that crown of thorns,who carried that cross, who fell three times, who sipped the vinegar, who spilled crimson as the nails tore into flesh and bone. no, i was not the one who hung there, stripped and emptied. what is my tiredness? what is my feeling of dread?
and i think to myself. what if i were there then? would i have shook my head sadly as i looked at that man with those crazed eyes, burning like fire? would i have been one of those who said, "ah, poor, crazy man. he was a nice guy. if only someone had talked him into his senses. all these son of god stories. ah, what a crazy world"? and then, would i have just walked on home, be sad for a while about the state of things in the world outside, and then just gone on with life, tending to my sheep or drawing water from a well? the way i do when i watch CNN and get greeted by statistics about fatalities of a bomb explosion in iraq?
or would i have followed this man, with those eyes burning like fire, even unto the folly of the cross?
it was one helluva gamble he took. who would have taken him seriously? would i have? are you kidding? what a crazy thing he said! what a crazy thing he did! things! but...i have fallen in love nevertheless. he loved me first, even before i knew him.
and this love, it defies all reason. reason is only as far as i can see. it limits life, and my view of it. love is infinite and has no boundaries.
i look upon the love of my parents for me and how they knew and loved me even before i saw their faces in my human form. how they were with me, whether i was bathing in the glory of my successes or rolling in the mud of my defeats. and there, i see how he has loved me.
a boy looks at a girl and feels her eyes connect to everything in him and his heartbeat falls into a beautiful and chaotic rhythm. and there, i feel his infinite power and love in his one infinite gaze.
a man dies on a cross for someone who doesn't even care. oh, the folly of that cross. and there, i see how love has conquered death and all logic.
birds do it, bees do it,
even educated fleas do it,
lets do it, lets fall in love!
because we can't help but fall in love. so stop trying to resist! hee. =)
usually, a feeling of weariness and impatience creep over me even before the stations begin. i just think about all the kneeling and the standing that is to come and how it is not just one but FOURTEEN stations i have to go through. i think about the seeming dreariness of it all and what i'll be doing after that as a reward for going through it. something like the feeling i used to have before netball trainings, just that the only difference was, for stations, i still WANTED to go back. i wanted to go back not because anyone forced me to or i felt obligated to. i want to go back...only because i am in love.
and there i am, sheltered from the rain in an air-conditioned church. the bright lights above illuminate our little stations books so that we read out his passion. cushioned pews make kneeling slightly more merciful. and for 30 minutes, just 30 minutes, i relive his passion, trying to see what he saw, what he heard, how he felt...what they saw, what they heard, how they felt. except that, i was not the one who felt the stinging blows of the cruel whip, who wore that crown of thorns,who carried that cross, who fell three times, who sipped the vinegar, who spilled crimson as the nails tore into flesh and bone. no, i was not the one who hung there, stripped and emptied. what is my tiredness? what is my feeling of dread?
and i think to myself. what if i were there then? would i have shook my head sadly as i looked at that man with those crazed eyes, burning like fire? would i have been one of those who said, "ah, poor, crazy man. he was a nice guy. if only someone had talked him into his senses. all these son of god stories. ah, what a crazy world"? and then, would i have just walked on home, be sad for a while about the state of things in the world outside, and then just gone on with life, tending to my sheep or drawing water from a well? the way i do when i watch CNN and get greeted by statistics about fatalities of a bomb explosion in iraq?
or would i have followed this man, with those eyes burning like fire, even unto the folly of the cross?
it was one helluva gamble he took. who would have taken him seriously? would i have? are you kidding? what a crazy thing he said! what a crazy thing he did! things! but...i have fallen in love nevertheless. he loved me first, even before i knew him.
and this love, it defies all reason. reason is only as far as i can see. it limits life, and my view of it. love is infinite and has no boundaries.
i look upon the love of my parents for me and how they knew and loved me even before i saw their faces in my human form. how they were with me, whether i was bathing in the glory of my successes or rolling in the mud of my defeats. and there, i see how he has loved me.
a boy looks at a girl and feels her eyes connect to everything in him and his heartbeat falls into a beautiful and chaotic rhythm. and there, i feel his infinite power and love in his one infinite gaze.
a man dies on a cross for someone who doesn't even care. oh, the folly of that cross. and there, i see how love has conquered death and all logic.
birds do it, bees do it,
even educated fleas do it,
lets do it, lets fall in love!
because we can't help but fall in love. so stop trying to resist! hee. =)
Thursday, March 30, 2006
the smallest things can trigger memories of ancient times. ok, maybe not ancient, considering i'm just shy of turning 21.
small things, like taking a walk in a familiar park i used to frequent with my family when i was younger. bishan park. on weekends, we'd go there. my brother/s and i would try to outbeat each other and be the "leader" on our 4-wheel bikes, which we would spend time choosing carefully at the bicycle kiosk. and we'd make stopovers at the 2 different playgrounds and when we ended our journey and reached the bicycle kiosk, we would wait there for papa to finish his jog. and then, i also recalled the time when papa first taught us how to ride a 2-wheel bike. i remember the adrenaline rush and the fear. but most of all, i remember how he ran alongside us, holding on to the bike, sweating like mad but determined that we ride that bike. i wonder how he felt when he first saw me ride that bike without him having to hold on to it. i know that after that, riding a bicycle was never the same again. it was a whole new experience, one that was worth every fall and drop of fear.
you know, small things, little things like drinking this bottle of lime juice now. not just any lime juice but "RIPE" lime juice (RIPE is a brand by the way). it brought me back to those evenings when i'd just suddenly decide i wanted to go for a run. and just like that, i'd get off the couch or away from the window i was staring out from for the past hour, change into some running attire, put on my shoes, stretch a bit and be on my way. i didn't run for health reasons, though it may have been a side-effect. i ran because i wanted to, because i needed something to hit me and wake me up, something to make me feel alive. the aches, the panting, the sweat, the mental and physical agony. i wasn't sure where i would run to but i knew i would get somewhere. i'd take my buscard along with me in case i ran too far or got lost or injured. sometimes i just put a few coins in my shoe or in my shorts pocket. and when i thought i had run far enough, i would usually take a very slow walk back, looking at life and all the living going on around me as the day drew to a close and the sun was setting. and the lime juice. i'd usually run various long-winded, exciting routes that ultimately brought me to serangoon gardens. and when i reached, i would buy RIPE lime juice from NTUC or Shell's Select and savour it as i walked back home. you can't imagine how good RIPE's lime juice tasted at those points in time. like little drops of heaven to my parched mouth. but that whole experience of the run, the walk, the lime juice, the thoughts, the things i saw, the things i heard, the tiredness, the exhiliration, the....they were like drops of heaven to my parched soul then...funny how a sip of lime juice can rekindle so strongly those days. i'd still like to do it again sometime.
and as i started this post, funny how a familiar song in a foreign language started playing from my media player...
vaase to
ghade ye bargam
pishe to
razi be margam
...bringing back soooooo many beautiful memories, but mostly in the form of words, cos that's really all that kept it alive, whatever it was. will there be just one more word? or was that the last? i really don't know.
it was the last day of lessons for the term today and we were the last group to present in class. it's not over yet though. there are still at least 3 reports to complete and there are the exams coming up. and immediately after, i'll be leaving on a jet plane. my bed at home will not be slept on for about 4 months as i hop from place to place...germany, czech, hungary, US. it all seems like such a blur now. this sunday's party will go by as fast as it comes. the study break will come and go. then holy week will arrive, bringing with it the agony and excitement of exams and 3 days later, i'll be watching the street lights of singapore shrink to little specks and disappear as the plane carries me away. i can't deny i feel a bit sad because i have been recently overwhelmed with a wave of love for all the people in my life, old and new. but i am thankful, always thankful. and i would rather leave drenched with this love than the lack of it. i will carry it with me and i hope i never forget it or leave it behind.
this term has been amazing, nothing short of. with all my heart, thank you.
small things, like taking a walk in a familiar park i used to frequent with my family when i was younger. bishan park. on weekends, we'd go there. my brother/s and i would try to outbeat each other and be the "leader" on our 4-wheel bikes, which we would spend time choosing carefully at the bicycle kiosk. and we'd make stopovers at the 2 different playgrounds and when we ended our journey and reached the bicycle kiosk, we would wait there for papa to finish his jog. and then, i also recalled the time when papa first taught us how to ride a 2-wheel bike. i remember the adrenaline rush and the fear. but most of all, i remember how he ran alongside us, holding on to the bike, sweating like mad but determined that we ride that bike. i wonder how he felt when he first saw me ride that bike without him having to hold on to it. i know that after that, riding a bicycle was never the same again. it was a whole new experience, one that was worth every fall and drop of fear.
you know, small things, little things like drinking this bottle of lime juice now. not just any lime juice but "RIPE" lime juice (RIPE is a brand by the way). it brought me back to those evenings when i'd just suddenly decide i wanted to go for a run. and just like that, i'd get off the couch or away from the window i was staring out from for the past hour, change into some running attire, put on my shoes, stretch a bit and be on my way. i didn't run for health reasons, though it may have been a side-effect. i ran because i wanted to, because i needed something to hit me and wake me up, something to make me feel alive. the aches, the panting, the sweat, the mental and physical agony. i wasn't sure where i would run to but i knew i would get somewhere. i'd take my buscard along with me in case i ran too far or got lost or injured. sometimes i just put a few coins in my shoe or in my shorts pocket. and when i thought i had run far enough, i would usually take a very slow walk back, looking at life and all the living going on around me as the day drew to a close and the sun was setting. and the lime juice. i'd usually run various long-winded, exciting routes that ultimately brought me to serangoon gardens. and when i reached, i would buy RIPE lime juice from NTUC or Shell's Select and savour it as i walked back home. you can't imagine how good RIPE's lime juice tasted at those points in time. like little drops of heaven to my parched mouth. but that whole experience of the run, the walk, the lime juice, the thoughts, the things i saw, the things i heard, the tiredness, the exhiliration, the....they were like drops of heaven to my parched soul then...funny how a sip of lime juice can rekindle so strongly those days. i'd still like to do it again sometime.
and as i started this post, funny how a familiar song in a foreign language started playing from my media player...
vaase to
ghade ye bargam
pishe to
razi be margam
...bringing back soooooo many beautiful memories, but mostly in the form of words, cos that's really all that kept it alive, whatever it was. will there be just one more word? or was that the last? i really don't know.
it was the last day of lessons for the term today and we were the last group to present in class. it's not over yet though. there are still at least 3 reports to complete and there are the exams coming up. and immediately after, i'll be leaving on a jet plane. my bed at home will not be slept on for about 4 months as i hop from place to place...germany, czech, hungary, US. it all seems like such a blur now. this sunday's party will go by as fast as it comes. the study break will come and go. then holy week will arrive, bringing with it the agony and excitement of exams and 3 days later, i'll be watching the street lights of singapore shrink to little specks and disappear as the plane carries me away. i can't deny i feel a bit sad because i have been recently overwhelmed with a wave of love for all the people in my life, old and new. but i am thankful, always thankful. and i would rather leave drenched with this love than the lack of it. i will carry it with me and i hope i never forget it or leave it behind.
this term has been amazing, nothing short of. with all my heart, thank you.
Friday, March 17, 2006
I'll lose some sales and my boss won't be happy
but I can't stop listening to the sound
of two soft voices blended in perfection
from the reels of this record that I've found
every day there's a boy in the mirror asking me:
what are you doing here?
finding all my previous motives growing increasingly unclear
I've traveled far and I've burned all the bridges
I believed as soon as I hit land
all the other options held before me
would wither in the light of my plan
so I'll lose some sales and my boss won't be happy
but there's only one thing on my mind
searching boxes underneath the counter
on a chance that on a tape I'd find
a song for someone who needs somewhere to long for
homesick because I no longer know where home is
-Homesick, Kings of Convenience
just got back from the kings of convenience concert, dinner, a chat, a drive and some quiet time at the ado.
the lone drive home with a familiar song (not the one above) being resurrected through the speakers made my mind drift off to another place and another time. i paused to wonder for a while, but a voice said, drive on. i drove on. but the thoughts darted furiously nevertheless. patience, have faith, it said again. and i told myself to breathe.
i hope you are ok. if not, you know what to do...
but I can't stop listening to the sound
of two soft voices blended in perfection
from the reels of this record that I've found
every day there's a boy in the mirror asking me:
what are you doing here?
finding all my previous motives growing increasingly unclear
I've traveled far and I've burned all the bridges
I believed as soon as I hit land
all the other options held before me
would wither in the light of my plan
so I'll lose some sales and my boss won't be happy
but there's only one thing on my mind
searching boxes underneath the counter
on a chance that on a tape I'd find
a song for someone who needs somewhere to long for
homesick because I no longer know where home is
-Homesick, Kings of Convenience
just got back from the kings of convenience concert, dinner, a chat, a drive and some quiet time at the ado.
the lone drive home with a familiar song (not the one above) being resurrected through the speakers made my mind drift off to another place and another time. i paused to wonder for a while, but a voice said, drive on. i drove on. but the thoughts darted furiously nevertheless. patience, have faith, it said again. and i told myself to breathe.
i hope you are ok. if not, you know what to do...
Thursday, February 23, 2006
love may be severe, but never cruel...i think these are the words i've been searching for these past few days. too many times, i do not where to draw the line. i think i am being kind but i confuse "niceness" with "kindness". i'm sorry if i've patronised anyone. i'm sorry if i said yes to anyone with skewed intentions. i really am.
a familiar restlessness stirs in me again telling me that in spite of all the late nights of sharing that's been going on and all the time i've spent in church, i still seem to be kind of missing the point. i don't think i'm being too hard on myself, maybe too soft even.
is it because i have become lukewarm? i can't bear to be lukewarm. the more stagnant these waters become, the more torrential the rains become inside.
moments of inspiration burst forth like lightning, enlightening and lightening. but as fast as lightning fades, so do they. but to leave a scar on my heart forever, lightning must pierce it. it may singe initially, but i know it's worth it. love may be severe, but never cruel.
it feels like i'm trying to win back something i keep losing. i don't know why i need to do that. i don't even want those things. but i am proud and weak. sometimes, i allow desire to get the better of me and i create and play games where i feel the need to win, just so that i will not feel so lousy about myself. i am scared of losing again but why should i be when there was no game to play in the first place? and the games i lost were the ones i created anyway. the real game is in fighting the urge to create these games and play them (i think that is what i'm trying to fight so hard right now). yet, i create them as though i were giving myself another chance to win. like a compulsive gambler who doesn't know when to stop, thinking to himself, just one more, give me just one more shot, this might be the one i win! and who knows whether he'll treasure his winnings or not. he just needs to know that he wasn't that unlucky, that life wasn't at odds with him, that even he had a shot. but it's not going to stop, it's not going to stop till i wise up (thanks miss aimee mann). i will keep fighting and keep losing, keep fighting and keep losing, again and again, until i learn, until this lesson pierces my heart (and not just my thoughts); that i don't have to play that game and i don't have to prove that i am not lousy and that i am worthy. it will never stop until these words are engraved deep into my heart and not just rolling freely from the tip of my tongue or fingers....
"i may be able to speak the languages of human beings and even of angels, but if i have no love, my speech is more than a noisy gong or a clanging bell. i may have the gift of inspired preaching; i may have all knowledge and understand all secrets; i may have the faith needed to move mountains - but if i have no love, i am nothing. i may give away everything i have, and even give up my body to be burned - but if i have no love, this does me no good.
love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. love never gives up; and its faith, hope and patience never fail.
love is eternal. there are inspired messages but they are temporary; there are gifts of speaking in strange tongues, but they will cease; there is knowledge, but it will pass. for our gifts of knowledge and of inspired messages are partial; but when what is perfect comes, then what is partial will disappear.
when i was a child, my speech, feelings and thinking were all those of a child; now that i am an adult, i have no more use for childish ways. what we see now is like a dim image in a mirror; then we shall see face-to-face. what i know now is only partial; then it will be complete - as complete as god's knowledge of me.
meanwhile, these three remain; faith, hope and love; and the greatest of these is love."
wow, i was merely thinking about how love is not jealous or proud or conceited (the way i feel so tempted to be these days and yet have the nerve to think i am not) and thought about this passage. and as i was typing it out, every line captured perfectly the thoughts darting fast and furiously in my mind these past few weeks. the restlessness that stirs from the nothingness of my being where love is lacking. the selfish pride that consumes me at times. even the blissful thoughts i described to be like lightning, only temporary. the partiality of all i know or want to know. and yet, possessing the hope that stems from my conviction that all that is hidden will be revealed.
i'm not sad but i sense a nudge, or a tug on my sleeve prompting me to tense my muscles that are slackening. it usually comes in the form of this restlessness and i am always thankful for these moments.
but it doesn't end there. how can one not be in awe? how can one not be touched? as i was typing the previous paragraph, i suddenly remembered something i had read in one of my currently overdue library books, "manual of the warrior of light" by paulo coelho. and as i was randomly flipping through the book looking for the line i wanted to recall, every single page i randomly flipped to seemed to reflect everything i was thinking and/or typing here, in the exact words as they were in my head. and i am filled with a certain conviction that my prayers never go unheard no matter how small and trivial or how dramatic and complicated and that my questions will all be answered in time. we can hear this voice of love, speaking through us through all of creation for what is creation but an act of love.
i could go on and on, i really could! where could i run where i cannot feel your love? don't let me start with the miracle of the taxi this morning where with a really doubtful heart, i prayed against all odds and the peak hour traffic and the unstrategic location i was waiting at, uttering only the first few words of my prayer before seeing a taxi suddenly swerve from the third to the first lane while approaching the traffic light in the distance and finally stop right infront of me without me hailing it. or about how you taught me, patiently and persistently, through all the moments of my life, leading to this moment, how to finally say no and find the courage to tell the truth. you had to be severe, but you remained faithful still. and the people, oh how you loved me through them and how you nourished me with that love to help me grow. some of them had to be the bad guys, and while it was a lesson in their own journeys, it was also one in mine. how ingenius! those eyes blazing like fire, your voice like a roaring waterfall...
"warriors of light always have a certain gleam in their eyes.
they are of thisworld, they are part of the lives of other people and they set out on their journey with no saddlebags and no sandals. they are often cowardly. they do not always make the right decisions.
they suffer over the most trivial things, they have mean thoughts and sometimes believe they are incapable of growing. they frequently deem themselves unworthy of any blessing or miracle.
they are not quite sure what they are doing here. they spend many sleepless nights, believing their lives have no meaning.
that is why they are warriors of light. because they make mistakes. because they ask themselves questions. because they are looking for a reason - and they are sure to find it."
i think we are all called to be warriors of light. i am constantly searching, i get tired and restless, i fight many battles day in day out, dark rings form under my eyes, but there is a gleam in those very same eyes. i am hopeful always, i am rejoicing always. is it my way of lying to myself just to console myself? am i in denial? maybe, once upon a time, when i forgot everything. but now, i'm starting to remember.
and well, i think i should end this post for today. but before i do, this is my prayer. jars of clay, i hope you don't mind...
I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nail that still remains
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
Battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain,
And wash my feet and cleanse my pride
Take the selfish, take the weak,
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
My sin-soaked heart - make it yours
Take my world all apart,
Take it now, take it now
And serve the ones that I despise
Speak the words I can't deny
Watch the world I used to love
Fall to dust and blow away
I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nail that still remains
Steal my heart and take the pain
Take the selfish, take the weak
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
Take my world apart
Take my world apart
And I pray, and I pray, and I pray
Take my world apart
Worlds apart
-Worlds Apart, Jars of Clay
a familiar restlessness stirs in me again telling me that in spite of all the late nights of sharing that's been going on and all the time i've spent in church, i still seem to be kind of missing the point. i don't think i'm being too hard on myself, maybe too soft even.
is it because i have become lukewarm? i can't bear to be lukewarm. the more stagnant these waters become, the more torrential the rains become inside.
moments of inspiration burst forth like lightning, enlightening and lightening. but as fast as lightning fades, so do they. but to leave a scar on my heart forever, lightning must pierce it. it may singe initially, but i know it's worth it. love may be severe, but never cruel.
it feels like i'm trying to win back something i keep losing. i don't know why i need to do that. i don't even want those things. but i am proud and weak. sometimes, i allow desire to get the better of me and i create and play games where i feel the need to win, just so that i will not feel so lousy about myself. i am scared of losing again but why should i be when there was no game to play in the first place? and the games i lost were the ones i created anyway. the real game is in fighting the urge to create these games and play them (i think that is what i'm trying to fight so hard right now). yet, i create them as though i were giving myself another chance to win. like a compulsive gambler who doesn't know when to stop, thinking to himself, just one more, give me just one more shot, this might be the one i win! and who knows whether he'll treasure his winnings or not. he just needs to know that he wasn't that unlucky, that life wasn't at odds with him, that even he had a shot. but it's not going to stop, it's not going to stop till i wise up (thanks miss aimee mann). i will keep fighting and keep losing, keep fighting and keep losing, again and again, until i learn, until this lesson pierces my heart (and not just my thoughts); that i don't have to play that game and i don't have to prove that i am not lousy and that i am worthy. it will never stop until these words are engraved deep into my heart and not just rolling freely from the tip of my tongue or fingers....
"i may be able to speak the languages of human beings and even of angels, but if i have no love, my speech is more than a noisy gong or a clanging bell. i may have the gift of inspired preaching; i may have all knowledge and understand all secrets; i may have the faith needed to move mountains - but if i have no love, i am nothing. i may give away everything i have, and even give up my body to be burned - but if i have no love, this does me no good.
love is patient and kind; it is not jealous or conceited or proud; love is not ill-mannered or selfish or irritable; love does not keep a record of wrongs; love is not happy with evil, but is happy with the truth. love never gives up; and its faith, hope and patience never fail.
love is eternal. there are inspired messages but they are temporary; there are gifts of speaking in strange tongues, but they will cease; there is knowledge, but it will pass. for our gifts of knowledge and of inspired messages are partial; but when what is perfect comes, then what is partial will disappear.
when i was a child, my speech, feelings and thinking were all those of a child; now that i am an adult, i have no more use for childish ways. what we see now is like a dim image in a mirror; then we shall see face-to-face. what i know now is only partial; then it will be complete - as complete as god's knowledge of me.
meanwhile, these three remain; faith, hope and love; and the greatest of these is love."
wow, i was merely thinking about how love is not jealous or proud or conceited (the way i feel so tempted to be these days and yet have the nerve to think i am not) and thought about this passage. and as i was typing it out, every line captured perfectly the thoughts darting fast and furiously in my mind these past few weeks. the restlessness that stirs from the nothingness of my being where love is lacking. the selfish pride that consumes me at times. even the blissful thoughts i described to be like lightning, only temporary. the partiality of all i know or want to know. and yet, possessing the hope that stems from my conviction that all that is hidden will be revealed.
i'm not sad but i sense a nudge, or a tug on my sleeve prompting me to tense my muscles that are slackening. it usually comes in the form of this restlessness and i am always thankful for these moments.
but it doesn't end there. how can one not be in awe? how can one not be touched? as i was typing the previous paragraph, i suddenly remembered something i had read in one of my currently overdue library books, "manual of the warrior of light" by paulo coelho. and as i was randomly flipping through the book looking for the line i wanted to recall, every single page i randomly flipped to seemed to reflect everything i was thinking and/or typing here, in the exact words as they were in my head. and i am filled with a certain conviction that my prayers never go unheard no matter how small and trivial or how dramatic and complicated and that my questions will all be answered in time. we can hear this voice of love, speaking through us through all of creation for what is creation but an act of love.
i could go on and on, i really could! where could i run where i cannot feel your love? don't let me start with the miracle of the taxi this morning where with a really doubtful heart, i prayed against all odds and the peak hour traffic and the unstrategic location i was waiting at, uttering only the first few words of my prayer before seeing a taxi suddenly swerve from the third to the first lane while approaching the traffic light in the distance and finally stop right infront of me without me hailing it. or about how you taught me, patiently and persistently, through all the moments of my life, leading to this moment, how to finally say no and find the courage to tell the truth. you had to be severe, but you remained faithful still. and the people, oh how you loved me through them and how you nourished me with that love to help me grow. some of them had to be the bad guys, and while it was a lesson in their own journeys, it was also one in mine. how ingenius! those eyes blazing like fire, your voice like a roaring waterfall...
"warriors of light always have a certain gleam in their eyes.
they are of thisworld, they are part of the lives of other people and they set out on their journey with no saddlebags and no sandals. they are often cowardly. they do not always make the right decisions.
they suffer over the most trivial things, they have mean thoughts and sometimes believe they are incapable of growing. they frequently deem themselves unworthy of any blessing or miracle.
they are not quite sure what they are doing here. they spend many sleepless nights, believing their lives have no meaning.
that is why they are warriors of light. because they make mistakes. because they ask themselves questions. because they are looking for a reason - and they are sure to find it."
i think we are all called to be warriors of light. i am constantly searching, i get tired and restless, i fight many battles day in day out, dark rings form under my eyes, but there is a gleam in those very same eyes. i am hopeful always, i am rejoicing always. is it my way of lying to myself just to console myself? am i in denial? maybe, once upon a time, when i forgot everything. but now, i'm starting to remember.
and well, i think i should end this post for today. but before i do, this is my prayer. jars of clay, i hope you don't mind...
I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nail that still remains
More and more I need you now,
I owe you more each passing hour
Battle between grace and pride
I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain,
And wash my feet and cleanse my pride
Take the selfish, take the weak,
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
My sin-soaked heart - make it yours
Take my world all apart,
Take it now, take it now
And serve the ones that I despise
Speak the words I can't deny
Watch the world I used to love
Fall to dust and blow away
I look beyond the empty cross
Forgetting what my life has cost
And wipe away the crimson stains
And dull the nail that still remains
Steal my heart and take the pain
Take the selfish, take the weak
And all the things I cannot hide
Take the beauty, take my tears
Take my world apart
Take my world apart
And I pray, and I pray, and I pray
Take my world apart
Worlds apart
-Worlds Apart, Jars of Clay
Tuesday, February 14, 2006
well, well, i was just about to start this post after a sudden burst of inspiration which came forth from the 4 walls of my tv set and was all set to start typing when....
when i heard that familiar and heart-stopping noise. the sound of a beetle and if you know me, you'll know that i can't sleep knowing there's a beetle in my room because i mean, what if it makes a temporary home in my hair while i sleep? and the sound it makes, oh i can't begin to describe how it makes me feel. ihwejkjrekfb!!!! so i devised all sorts of plans to get it out..i rolled up balls of paper, and got myself into my ready stance, one hand holding the crushed up paper aimed at the beetle and the other on the light switch (i had already switched on the lights outside). i focused and with bated breath, i said "chaaarge!" in my mind and threw the paper at the beetle, switched off my room light and ran outside...but, the stupid beetle didn't move!!!! from being scared, i became bewildered instead. what a lazy beetle!!! so i repeeated my tactic a few more times, and still the beetle was unfazed. i finally decided it was time to use the cat stuffed-toy. i said a little prayer and with a sweep of the cat against the wall, i switched off the light again and ran outside. but i heard no sound, no beetle making awful beetle noises. no beetle flying out towards the light...so i peeked inside, all the while praying the beetle would not suddenly fly straight into my nose or something. and, the beetle was gone from the wall. but that made me worried because now i had no idea where it was....so i went back into the room and switched on the light and saw that, it had landed right next to where i was standing outside!!!! after a momentary gulp, it was time for the next move. to make sure the beetle didn't crawl back under my room door and also, i had to switch off the light outside. so mr. cat to the rescue again. i swept the beetle away with the cat, watching it slide just a few cm forward on the floor, sprinted to the light switch across my room for the lights outside, then raced back into my room without ever turning back. and only when i shut my door did i breathe a sigh of relief! turehjglkgedgfkldlm,fs!!!!
so anyway. this wasn't the reason why i turned on my com. as i said, i was inspired. i was having my dinner just now after returning from school (1 plus am mind you, but that was my doing...so..well..)and i was desiring the company of a good tv program for my stoned out mind but there was nothing good to watch! and then i switched to national geographic and saw that the title of the documentary was "dehli in flames". the title alone was enough to interest me considering i had just been to dehli only 2 months ago but watching the way the firefighters had to deal with all the different situations in dehli left me transfixed for that half an hour or so. the way they had to battle the heavy (CRAZY) dehli traffic (it's no joke i tell you, and even the fire engines meet with accidents themselves!), search every nook and corner of the dehli train station and trains and the thousands of people there (that's also no joke!) when alerted of a bomb threat only to find that there is none and zoom off to the next scene of fire. and the way they had to go deep into buildings in extreme conditions to trace the source of fires and put them out from inside. and slums, the slums are the worst! paths not big enough for a fire-engine to pass through, hazardous flammable materials covering every surface, fire-traps in every corner, people uneducated about how their actions can lead to fires...and it's usually these places that experience the worst devastation when it comes to fires. and these firemen have seen it all first-hand and they know how merciless the fires can be then. so their best defence or offence is prevention and they walk through these slums educating the people and advicing them and pointing out to them what they should replace or change to prevent fires. their depth of wisdom concerning fires were really amazing. these firemen work 24-hour shifts on alternate days of the week, do yoga together about once a week or so, go through intensive training...simply amazing. what's more is that they don't even have the best equipment to fight fires especially in a place like dehli but they are amazingly resourceful and courageous and i guess, i'm just...inspired!
and also, really sleepy. night!! =)
when i heard that familiar and heart-stopping noise. the sound of a beetle and if you know me, you'll know that i can't sleep knowing there's a beetle in my room because i mean, what if it makes a temporary home in my hair while i sleep? and the sound it makes, oh i can't begin to describe how it makes me feel. ihwejkjrekfb!!!! so i devised all sorts of plans to get it out..i rolled up balls of paper, and got myself into my ready stance, one hand holding the crushed up paper aimed at the beetle and the other on the light switch (i had already switched on the lights outside). i focused and with bated breath, i said "chaaarge!" in my mind and threw the paper at the beetle, switched off my room light and ran outside...but, the stupid beetle didn't move!!!! from being scared, i became bewildered instead. what a lazy beetle!!! so i repeeated my tactic a few more times, and still the beetle was unfazed. i finally decided it was time to use the cat stuffed-toy. i said a little prayer and with a sweep of the cat against the wall, i switched off the light again and ran outside. but i heard no sound, no beetle making awful beetle noises. no beetle flying out towards the light...so i peeked inside, all the while praying the beetle would not suddenly fly straight into my nose or something. and, the beetle was gone from the wall. but that made me worried because now i had no idea where it was....so i went back into the room and switched on the light and saw that, it had landed right next to where i was standing outside!!!! after a momentary gulp, it was time for the next move. to make sure the beetle didn't crawl back under my room door and also, i had to switch off the light outside. so mr. cat to the rescue again. i swept the beetle away with the cat, watching it slide just a few cm forward on the floor, sprinted to the light switch across my room for the lights outside, then raced back into my room without ever turning back. and only when i shut my door did i breathe a sigh of relief! turehjglkgedgfkldlm,fs!!!!
so anyway. this wasn't the reason why i turned on my com. as i said, i was inspired. i was having my dinner just now after returning from school (1 plus am mind you, but that was my doing...so..well..)and i was desiring the company of a good tv program for my stoned out mind but there was nothing good to watch! and then i switched to national geographic and saw that the title of the documentary was "dehli in flames". the title alone was enough to interest me considering i had just been to dehli only 2 months ago but watching the way the firefighters had to deal with all the different situations in dehli left me transfixed for that half an hour or so. the way they had to battle the heavy (CRAZY) dehli traffic (it's no joke i tell you, and even the fire engines meet with accidents themselves!), search every nook and corner of the dehli train station and trains and the thousands of people there (that's also no joke!) when alerted of a bomb threat only to find that there is none and zoom off to the next scene of fire. and the way they had to go deep into buildings in extreme conditions to trace the source of fires and put them out from inside. and slums, the slums are the worst! paths not big enough for a fire-engine to pass through, hazardous flammable materials covering every surface, fire-traps in every corner, people uneducated about how their actions can lead to fires...and it's usually these places that experience the worst devastation when it comes to fires. and these firemen have seen it all first-hand and they know how merciless the fires can be then. so their best defence or offence is prevention and they walk through these slums educating the people and advicing them and pointing out to them what they should replace or change to prevent fires. their depth of wisdom concerning fires were really amazing. these firemen work 24-hour shifts on alternate days of the week, do yoga together about once a week or so, go through intensive training...simply amazing. what's more is that they don't even have the best equipment to fight fires especially in a place like dehli but they are amazingly resourceful and courageous and i guess, i'm just...inspired!
and also, really sleepy. night!! =)
it's a funny situation if i think about it.
i'm sitting on the floor on the third floor of the accountancy block (because i'm too tired to stand) trying to finish my quantitative methods coursework. i'm supposed to help poor old mr ted wasser decide what to do with the 140,000 square metres of land he bought. personally, i think he should build a mansion with water-slides all over the place, all for me (which is one of my crazy dreams...just a dream!!)
however, dreaming aside, say hello to reality. i'm sitting on the floor of accountancy because i couldn't find a single study room just now after they kicked us out of the library because it was closing!! and i thought i was the only one without a life and that everyone would be partying at the rock concert going on downstairs for patron's day or at home watching tv or something. people walk past and can't fathom what i'm doing on the floor. i can't either considering there are now empty study rooms since an hour has passed. a guy saw me and walked over to tell me i could use his room because he was done. and i thanked him politely but my butt stayed glued to the ground. then a few minutes later, i heard someone call my name. it was kelly, but for a few moments, my mind just couldn't register who it was! then she came over with her friend and they offered to help me move to one of the many empty GSRs (group study rooms), but i declined graciously and am still here on the floor. bands have gone on and off the stage blasting U2, guns n roses, skid row and what have you and i have been here listening to every single hit belted out, and also to the noisy emcees shouting their hearts out!!
what a strange, strange situation i am in. rock concert with crazy (drunk, tipsy people high on free beer (i didn't miss out on mine!)) downstairs, shireen with laptop and notes all over the floor upstairs.
ok, back to the reality of reality....
i'm sitting on the floor on the third floor of the accountancy block (because i'm too tired to stand) trying to finish my quantitative methods coursework. i'm supposed to help poor old mr ted wasser decide what to do with the 140,000 square metres of land he bought. personally, i think he should build a mansion with water-slides all over the place, all for me (which is one of my crazy dreams...just a dream!!)
however, dreaming aside, say hello to reality. i'm sitting on the floor of accountancy because i couldn't find a single study room just now after they kicked us out of the library because it was closing!! and i thought i was the only one without a life and that everyone would be partying at the rock concert going on downstairs for patron's day or at home watching tv or something. people walk past and can't fathom what i'm doing on the floor. i can't either considering there are now empty study rooms since an hour has passed. a guy saw me and walked over to tell me i could use his room because he was done. and i thanked him politely but my butt stayed glued to the ground. then a few minutes later, i heard someone call my name. it was kelly, but for a few moments, my mind just couldn't register who it was! then she came over with her friend and they offered to help me move to one of the many empty GSRs (group study rooms), but i declined graciously and am still here on the floor. bands have gone on and off the stage blasting U2, guns n roses, skid row and what have you and i have been here listening to every single hit belted out, and also to the noisy emcees shouting their hearts out!!
what a strange, strange situation i am in. rock concert with crazy (drunk, tipsy people high on free beer (i didn't miss out on mine!)) downstairs, shireen with laptop and notes all over the floor upstairs.
ok, back to the reality of reality....
Monday, February 13, 2006
i can't believe a week has passed already and yet it feels more like a year. like a bolt of lightning, like a car crash, like an electric shock, like a twist at the end of an m. night shyamalan movie...that's what some days are like...
sometimes, we want so much to believe that something really is the way it is and then, the truth (i don't say reality) jolts us and sweeps the magic carpet from under our feet and we lose our balance. and the few seconds of free falling dash by so fast and before you know it, you've hit the ground. but as you are falling and as you finally lie on the ground, you begin to see things from new perspectives. and so now, you wipe the dust from the past off and walk off in a new direction. it feels weird at first because everything feels new and unfamiliar, but you have to keep going, you must. your friends might think you're suffering from multiple-personality disorder, your brother might think you've really lost it this time, your cousins are not used to you actually talking about something besides music, your neighbour isn't used to you smiling at her, your parents are worried when you start asking them weird questions...it's unnerving alright, not just for them, but especially for you. you might find yourself clawing back for the old because it is so tempting to want to go back to the old life. isn't it amazing the things people can get used to, the way darkness can feel like home? time to move house, baby...
and you know what else? don't be surprised to find yourself all alone when you fight these battles. the toughest and most real battles of our lives are fought inside and they are fought alone. your mother, your best friend, your coach....they may be there cheering you on, waving the poms poms or giving you advice, but ultimately, noone is going to fight that battle but you. fear is not your friend, but love will see you through. love is truth and is perceiving something just as it is, it is devoid of illusion. isn't that actuality? (and there is only one who is totally in a state of actuality and the one who is with you always) fear, fear is full of illusions, it deceives. and as i am typing these thoughts, i get a message from a dear friend who quotes a line in star wars: fear, makes cold colder and makes dark darker.
so i thank you for this week, for the solitude, for the moments of contemplation, for the pain, for the things you have chosen to reveal, for the love you have blessed me with, for the honesty, for the trials and temptations, for the confusion and disillusionment, for the tears, for the turmoil, for the shocks, and also, for the beautiful walks home and the golden hue of sunset upon the trees and fields, for the song-filled busrides, for the books so rich, for the lovely dinners cooked by my mom, for the messages of care and concern and warmth, for the good cheer of friends and family, for the tuesday night sky sprinkled with stars, for the kind samaritan soul of my brother with a cast on one arm who brought an umbrella to the busstop to shelter me from the rain, for every single moment that i breathe, every single beautiful moment in which love is brought to perfection.
you know my heart. you know i am fearful and anxious about so much, far too much. but you know how much i hope in you and your goodness and how my heart yearns to trust in you. and with this hope, you know how my heart rejoices every moment, through gentle breezes and stormy weather. teach me, mould me, use me, guide me. i surrender this week and all it holds. i surrender this heart and all it holds.
sometimes, we want so much to believe that something really is the way it is and then, the truth (i don't say reality) jolts us and sweeps the magic carpet from under our feet and we lose our balance. and the few seconds of free falling dash by so fast and before you know it, you've hit the ground. but as you are falling and as you finally lie on the ground, you begin to see things from new perspectives. and so now, you wipe the dust from the past off and walk off in a new direction. it feels weird at first because everything feels new and unfamiliar, but you have to keep going, you must. your friends might think you're suffering from multiple-personality disorder, your brother might think you've really lost it this time, your cousins are not used to you actually talking about something besides music, your neighbour isn't used to you smiling at her, your parents are worried when you start asking them weird questions...it's unnerving alright, not just for them, but especially for you. you might find yourself clawing back for the old because it is so tempting to want to go back to the old life. isn't it amazing the things people can get used to, the way darkness can feel like home? time to move house, baby...
and you know what else? don't be surprised to find yourself all alone when you fight these battles. the toughest and most real battles of our lives are fought inside and they are fought alone. your mother, your best friend, your coach....they may be there cheering you on, waving the poms poms or giving you advice, but ultimately, noone is going to fight that battle but you. fear is not your friend, but love will see you through. love is truth and is perceiving something just as it is, it is devoid of illusion. isn't that actuality? (and there is only one who is totally in a state of actuality and the one who is with you always) fear, fear is full of illusions, it deceives. and as i am typing these thoughts, i get a message from a dear friend who quotes a line in star wars: fear, makes cold colder and makes dark darker.
so i thank you for this week, for the solitude, for the moments of contemplation, for the pain, for the things you have chosen to reveal, for the love you have blessed me with, for the honesty, for the trials and temptations, for the confusion and disillusionment, for the tears, for the turmoil, for the shocks, and also, for the beautiful walks home and the golden hue of sunset upon the trees and fields, for the song-filled busrides, for the books so rich, for the lovely dinners cooked by my mom, for the messages of care and concern and warmth, for the good cheer of friends and family, for the tuesday night sky sprinkled with stars, for the kind samaritan soul of my brother with a cast on one arm who brought an umbrella to the busstop to shelter me from the rain, for every single moment that i breathe, every single beautiful moment in which love is brought to perfection.
you know my heart. you know i am fearful and anxious about so much, far too much. but you know how much i hope in you and your goodness and how my heart yearns to trust in you. and with this hope, you know how my heart rejoices every moment, through gentle breezes and stormy weather. teach me, mould me, use me, guide me. i surrender this week and all it holds. i surrender this heart and all it holds.
Sunday, February 12, 2006
this post is long overdue and yet too pre-mature and definitely far too short and incomplete. nevertheless, i dedicate this to my mom who knows no limit or end when it comes to giving....
when i was younger, i used to be scared of her. she had a stare that could send shivers down your spine (she still does, ask some of our friends =p) and her words could be sharp. but somewhere at some point in time, i stopped being so scared of her and learnt to appreciate her for who she was. in my eyes, she ceased to be the woman who said "no" to everything and spoilt our fun. instead, i saw this brilliant woman who had a very free and adventurous spirit, something that she carried in her since she was a child. she saw me through, breakdown after breakdown, as i poured out to her my tragic tales of love and life, and she amazed me with her depth of wisdom and understanding...and her resilience. whenever we were sick or needed something, she would run (or rather, drive) all over the place for us without hesistation. even if she hesitated, she would think of us first. sometimes, she did so much until she got so tired. that's the thing...what amazes me most about this woman is how she can keep giving and giving!
recently, aunty (my maid) went back to india for 2 weeks to look after her mother who was sick. and my mom decided to look after us and the whole house...and she did it so well! even when i wanted to help, i would find things were done already! well, that's something inherent in her, the need to keep everything in order and be busy haha. and on sunday, i had gone through a pretty rough time and she sat with me and tried to console me even though my actions had caused so much trouble for her. and i noticed that whenever i got back from school this whole week, i would find my room really neat! and every morning, she would pack a nice breakfast for me. and she'd drop me in school, knowing how tired i was, and even when i wasn't. and on monday night, she even called me when i was having dinner after staying back to finish my reports and drove all the way to school to fetch me. she was just giving and giving and giving. and she didn't complain and didn't ask for anything in return, it was as though she just wanted us to be happy! what is that if it is not love? it's really sad that sometimes she gets so much crap from us in return whenever she makes a slight mistake, that is such a crime! shame on us!
and what inspired me to put a post about this right now even though i've so much to study for my BP exam tomorrow (exam on a sunday!) is the phonecall i received from her just now. she went to buy dinner for me and called me to ask whether i wanted sushi after she bought my dinner. and i felt so touched that she wanted to do that for me knowing how much i liked tuna sushi. it was such a simple thing but i'm talking about a woman who does things like this all the time!!
she may be impatient at times, too harsh with her words, say the wrong things sometimes, become depressed at other times....but don't we all? even in spite of all this, her love and resilience shine through and you wonder what you did to deserve it and your heart is bursting with millions and billions and gaijllions of songs of praise and thanks...
thank you, mama....you know i love you!! =)
when i was younger, i used to be scared of her. she had a stare that could send shivers down your spine (she still does, ask some of our friends =p) and her words could be sharp. but somewhere at some point in time, i stopped being so scared of her and learnt to appreciate her for who she was. in my eyes, she ceased to be the woman who said "no" to everything and spoilt our fun. instead, i saw this brilliant woman who had a very free and adventurous spirit, something that she carried in her since she was a child. she saw me through, breakdown after breakdown, as i poured out to her my tragic tales of love and life, and she amazed me with her depth of wisdom and understanding...and her resilience. whenever we were sick or needed something, she would run (or rather, drive) all over the place for us without hesistation. even if she hesitated, she would think of us first. sometimes, she did so much until she got so tired. that's the thing...what amazes me most about this woman is how she can keep giving and giving!
recently, aunty (my maid) went back to india for 2 weeks to look after her mother who was sick. and my mom decided to look after us and the whole house...and she did it so well! even when i wanted to help, i would find things were done already! well, that's something inherent in her, the need to keep everything in order and be busy haha. and on sunday, i had gone through a pretty rough time and she sat with me and tried to console me even though my actions had caused so much trouble for her. and i noticed that whenever i got back from school this whole week, i would find my room really neat! and every morning, she would pack a nice breakfast for me. and she'd drop me in school, knowing how tired i was, and even when i wasn't. and on monday night, she even called me when i was having dinner after staying back to finish my reports and drove all the way to school to fetch me. she was just giving and giving and giving. and she didn't complain and didn't ask for anything in return, it was as though she just wanted us to be happy! what is that if it is not love? it's really sad that sometimes she gets so much crap from us in return whenever she makes a slight mistake, that is such a crime! shame on us!
and what inspired me to put a post about this right now even though i've so much to study for my BP exam tomorrow (exam on a sunday!) is the phonecall i received from her just now. she went to buy dinner for me and called me to ask whether i wanted sushi after she bought my dinner. and i felt so touched that she wanted to do that for me knowing how much i liked tuna sushi. it was such a simple thing but i'm talking about a woman who does things like this all the time!!
she may be impatient at times, too harsh with her words, say the wrong things sometimes, become depressed at other times....but don't we all? even in spite of all this, her love and resilience shine through and you wonder what you did to deserve it and your heart is bursting with millions and billions and gaijllions of songs of praise and thanks...
thank you, mama....you know i love you!! =)
Thursday, February 09, 2006
my heart is bursting!
(i shall quote myself from my dialogue with prof mel.)
sometimes, no, not sometimes. always. the simplest and most obvious things always blow our mind and make us go WHOA! philosophers formulate and put forth arguments century after century in search of these things. thick, complex books with big words (sometimes too big for my baby mind) ironically are attempts to strip away the utter complexities of life in search of these most obvious and simple things. people go through mid-life crises and give up whole fortunes and empires for these (i use "these" but it could very well just be "this", as i am leaning towards believing). monks meditate on mountaintops in solitude and the harsh, cold, biting winds to seek IT (so, i chose "this" after all.) people have killed themselves because they didn't know where or how to find it. people fall in and out of relationships in a certain desperation for it. i guess you get the idea...
the strangest (and yet, not even strange at all) thing is that IT is right in our faces! why is there suffering? what is life? what is love? what is my purpose? these are questions as old as time, and as young, for time exists forever and yet doesn't exist at all. consider this, what if all these questions ultimately lead to one answer? what if this one answer was the solution to all equations? and if this is the solution to all equations, then it is EVERYWHERE! because all things are equations containing this..thing. and that's what we're doing, trying to solve equation after equation in an attempt to figure IT out. in the process, sometimes the equation gets factorised and simplified and sometimes, it gets even more complicated and it seems as though there are a billion solutions. sometimes, we think we've found an answer only to realise that it doesn't work. and sometimes, we even have to change our whole way of tackling the equation and it gets tough because we got so used to one way and we wanted so much to believe it was right and oh my gosh how would we face the world if we admit we were actually wrong from the start??
so, why do we even need to solve the equation? do we even have to? well, if you ask me, i'd tell you right now that no, we don't have to. but to me, that would mean we'd have stopped living because we were just standing outside and looking at all these equations. so, all we'd be doing is looking but when we're not engaged in them, we're as good as dead. we find the need to solve these equations because we are ultimately seeking for that thing which makes us all ONE and WHOLE. that is the solution to the seemingly incomplete equations of our own lives. and we can't solve the equation by looking at it, we have to get wholy into it and do our workings, some erasing here, some additions there, some factorising here, some calculations there, some subtraction here, some multiplication there....
so if it is right in our face, why do we have to search so hard and work so hard to find it?? i'm not so sure. but maybe it's because we don't know how to see it? or have merely forgotten how to? or is it that we have built equations after equations over those that already exist? or did we have the solution all along, from the beginning, only to forget where we placed it? you do the math.
well, i was walking past this bookshelf which i always walked past and wanted to stop at but never did while walking to my new favourite place in the SMU library to wait the rain out. only this time, i stopped. and i picked out some books and one of them was about st. augustine and his works. i was just browsing through the introduction and my eyes chanced upon these paragraphs. i didn't read more before or after it but it seems to say alot about what i'm (not very concisely) trying to say.
"two realities dwell in the center of augustine's thinking: blessedness (beatitudo) and word (verbum). it is commonly recognised in augustinian scholarship and evident in augustine's writing that blessedness is a, if not the, magisterial idea. but before blessedness is an idea, thought or a word spoken, it is the object of irrestible, universal human desire. human spiritual life is at center, for augustine, a matter of will; and will is first of all desire. and finally, the willing or desiring of blessedness is so central and all pervasive that it informs and drives every single act of willing or desiring. whatever and whenever, according to augustine, we desire, we seek blessedness. human becoming is desiring; and all desiring, wittingly or unwittingly, is the desiring of blessedness, namely of human-being. desire, then, is equivalent with human activity in time, and both are defined by their inevitable and only appropriate object; blesseedness. so, too, word is quivalent with human activity. augustine imagines every human activity, which is to say, every human willing and desiring as the uttering of the word. human becoming in all its moments and metamorphoses unfolds toward these two realities: blessedness and the word. "
and somewhere else on the same page...
"blessedness, as aristotle understands it, is inseparable from being, and being is inseparable from activity. to be blessed is simply to BE full, to be fully real in accord with one's nature. to be blessed is to be bless with and in the fullness of one's being, the fullness of one's reality. becoming represents a condition of desire, unreality, and possibility; noone is blessed within the condition of becoming. to be blessed is to be fully actualised, to be without desire in the midst of one's full human realisation. blessedness is being and being is being-in-act (energeia). thus these three question - what is human blessedness? what is human being? what is human activity? - are all one convergent central question for aristotle."
ok, then it goes on to talk about all those questions. and a whole lot of other things....well, it does lead me to another thought. that, what if we have been given the solution time and again? but perhaps, why we still don't know it is because we are not experiencing it..? and as a school of thought flows, to know something is to experience it. so, perhaps it is not just discussing the solution or formulating theories about it (though i believe they are nevertheless significant). it is fundamentally about, well, experiencing it...to BE.
well, i really have to go pee because i've been controlling like crazy in the process of typing this loooooooong (perhaps the longest i've ever posted) post so...the end. thank you for reading!
god BLESS!
(i shall quote myself from my dialogue with prof mel.)
sometimes, no, not sometimes. always. the simplest and most obvious things always blow our mind and make us go WHOA! philosophers formulate and put forth arguments century after century in search of these things. thick, complex books with big words (sometimes too big for my baby mind) ironically are attempts to strip away the utter complexities of life in search of these most obvious and simple things. people go through mid-life crises and give up whole fortunes and empires for these (i use "these" but it could very well just be "this", as i am leaning towards believing). monks meditate on mountaintops in solitude and the harsh, cold, biting winds to seek IT (so, i chose "this" after all.) people have killed themselves because they didn't know where or how to find it. people fall in and out of relationships in a certain desperation for it. i guess you get the idea...
the strangest (and yet, not even strange at all) thing is that IT is right in our faces! why is there suffering? what is life? what is love? what is my purpose? these are questions as old as time, and as young, for time exists forever and yet doesn't exist at all. consider this, what if all these questions ultimately lead to one answer? what if this one answer was the solution to all equations? and if this is the solution to all equations, then it is EVERYWHERE! because all things are equations containing this..thing. and that's what we're doing, trying to solve equation after equation in an attempt to figure IT out. in the process, sometimes the equation gets factorised and simplified and sometimes, it gets even more complicated and it seems as though there are a billion solutions. sometimes, we think we've found an answer only to realise that it doesn't work. and sometimes, we even have to change our whole way of tackling the equation and it gets tough because we got so used to one way and we wanted so much to believe it was right and oh my gosh how would we face the world if we admit we were actually wrong from the start??
so, why do we even need to solve the equation? do we even have to? well, if you ask me, i'd tell you right now that no, we don't have to. but to me, that would mean we'd have stopped living because we were just standing outside and looking at all these equations. so, all we'd be doing is looking but when we're not engaged in them, we're as good as dead. we find the need to solve these equations because we are ultimately seeking for that thing which makes us all ONE and WHOLE. that is the solution to the seemingly incomplete equations of our own lives. and we can't solve the equation by looking at it, we have to get wholy into it and do our workings, some erasing here, some additions there, some factorising here, some calculations there, some subtraction here, some multiplication there....
so if it is right in our face, why do we have to search so hard and work so hard to find it?? i'm not so sure. but maybe it's because we don't know how to see it? or have merely forgotten how to? or is it that we have built equations after equations over those that already exist? or did we have the solution all along, from the beginning, only to forget where we placed it? you do the math.
well, i was walking past this bookshelf which i always walked past and wanted to stop at but never did while walking to my new favourite place in the SMU library to wait the rain out. only this time, i stopped. and i picked out some books and one of them was about st. augustine and his works. i was just browsing through the introduction and my eyes chanced upon these paragraphs. i didn't read more before or after it but it seems to say alot about what i'm (not very concisely) trying to say.
"two realities dwell in the center of augustine's thinking: blessedness (beatitudo) and word (verbum). it is commonly recognised in augustinian scholarship and evident in augustine's writing that blessedness is a, if not the, magisterial idea. but before blessedness is an idea, thought or a word spoken, it is the object of irrestible, universal human desire. human spiritual life is at center, for augustine, a matter of will; and will is first of all desire. and finally, the willing or desiring of blessedness is so central and all pervasive that it informs and drives every single act of willing or desiring. whatever and whenever, according to augustine, we desire, we seek blessedness. human becoming is desiring; and all desiring, wittingly or unwittingly, is the desiring of blessedness, namely of human-being. desire, then, is equivalent with human activity in time, and both are defined by their inevitable and only appropriate object; blesseedness. so, too, word is quivalent with human activity. augustine imagines every human activity, which is to say, every human willing and desiring as the uttering of the word. human becoming in all its moments and metamorphoses unfolds toward these two realities: blessedness and the word. "
and somewhere else on the same page...
"blessedness, as aristotle understands it, is inseparable from being, and being is inseparable from activity. to be blessed is simply to BE full, to be fully real in accord with one's nature. to be blessed is to be bless with and in the fullness of one's being, the fullness of one's reality. becoming represents a condition of desire, unreality, and possibility; noone is blessed within the condition of becoming. to be blessed is to be fully actualised, to be without desire in the midst of one's full human realisation. blessedness is being and being is being-in-act (energeia). thus these three question - what is human blessedness? what is human being? what is human activity? - are all one convergent central question for aristotle."
ok, then it goes on to talk about all those questions. and a whole lot of other things....well, it does lead me to another thought. that, what if we have been given the solution time and again? but perhaps, why we still don't know it is because we are not experiencing it..? and as a school of thought flows, to know something is to experience it. so, perhaps it is not just discussing the solution or formulating theories about it (though i believe they are nevertheless significant). it is fundamentally about, well, experiencing it...to BE.
well, i really have to go pee because i've been controlling like crazy in the process of typing this loooooooong (perhaps the longest i've ever posted) post so...the end. thank you for reading!
god BLESS!
Saturday, February 04, 2006
Goodnight, to every little hour that you sleep tight
May it hold you through the winter of a long night
And keep you from the loneliness of yourself
Heart strung, is your heart frayed and empty
’cause it’s hard luck, when no one understands your love
It’s unsung, and I say
Goodnight, my love, to every hour and every day
Goodnight, always, to all that’s pure that’s in your heart
Goodnight, may your dreams be so happy and your
Head lite with the wishes of a sandman and a night light
Be careful not to let the bedbugs
Sleep tight nestled in your covers
The sun shines, but I don’t
The silver rain will wash away
And you can tell, it’s just as well
Goodnight, my love, to every hour and every day
Goodnight, always, to all that’s pure that’s in your heart
-Farewell and Goodnight by The Smashing Pumpkins
i like this pumpkins song. boy do they know the perfect recipe for melancholy.
but mopey melancholy aside, this song brings to mind the little child in each of us who so foolishly believes in and hopes for a better world, a world where everything is pure and good and malice is nowhere to be found. and so that child in us closes its eyes to the world and with this lullaby, is carried away by its dreams into a perfect one, one that is good and whole.
did i say "foolish"? yes, it may be foolish to believe in such a world but i know it exists (was that a circular argument?). perhaps the real foolishness comes when i choose to close my eyes to what is. but today, i think i just want to sleep. and when i close my eyes, i don't want to be angry anymore. begone you bugs of misery nestled in my hair. when i close my eyes, i just want to remember all that is pure that is in my heart.
thy kingdom come, thy will be done.
May it hold you through the winter of a long night
And keep you from the loneliness of yourself
Heart strung, is your heart frayed and empty
’cause it’s hard luck, when no one understands your love
It’s unsung, and I say
Goodnight, my love, to every hour and every day
Goodnight, always, to all that’s pure that’s in your heart
Goodnight, may your dreams be so happy and your
Head lite with the wishes of a sandman and a night light
Be careful not to let the bedbugs
Sleep tight nestled in your covers
The sun shines, but I don’t
The silver rain will wash away
And you can tell, it’s just as well
Goodnight, my love, to every hour and every day
Goodnight, always, to all that’s pure that’s in your heart
-Farewell and Goodnight by The Smashing Pumpkins
i like this pumpkins song. boy do they know the perfect recipe for melancholy.
but mopey melancholy aside, this song brings to mind the little child in each of us who so foolishly believes in and hopes for a better world, a world where everything is pure and good and malice is nowhere to be found. and so that child in us closes its eyes to the world and with this lullaby, is carried away by its dreams into a perfect one, one that is good and whole.
did i say "foolish"? yes, it may be foolish to believe in such a world but i know it exists (was that a circular argument?). perhaps the real foolishness comes when i choose to close my eyes to what is. but today, i think i just want to sleep. and when i close my eyes, i don't want to be angry anymore. begone you bugs of misery nestled in my hair. when i close my eyes, i just want to remember all that is pure that is in my heart.
thy kingdom come, thy will be done.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
stocks. growth rate. growth opportunity. retained earnings. 20%. discount rate. dividends. yadda yadda. ying yang wala wala bing bang. EPS. earnings per share. crick crack neck cracking. oh my gosh what is going on. oh my gosh i can't wait to go home and sleep in my bed in....TWELVE HOURS time!!!!!!
my future clearly does not lie in finance. that's the only thing i'm sure about in finance class right now.
my future clearly does not lie in finance. that's the only thing i'm sure about in finance class right now.