i wanted to start this post with something ...whoa....you know? to capture the whole day and all these feelings in my heart. but well, this is it i guess. haha.

see, i wanted to find a word that rhymes with blues to replace blues in "monday blues" but i wanted it to be a happy word. can someone think of a good alternative? i decided i'd just get straight to the post. 2 paragraphs and i'm still beginning the post. haha. okok. shut up and talk(type)!

i feel like i'm in my essence today. somehow, i feel hopeful yet again. it's been a long time since i've felt this way, alive and brimming with the joy of just being. term break is over and maybe that's a good thing though all SMU students must think i'm nuts for saying that. and today as i was going to school for my first conflict resolution class, i just knew, like really knew in my heart, that everything was going to be alright...no matter what. more importantly, i simply knew i was on the road to joy. funny i was thinking that because jack johnson's rainbow from the thicker than water album happened to be playing on my player.

Well I woke up this mornin',
Rainbows filled the sky,
Yes I woke up this mornin',
Rainbows filled the sky,
And there was god,
Tellin me,
"Everything.. Everythings gonna be alright"

i had been telling myself for some time now that i had to snap out of this sadness. the only reason i didn't was because i was too stuck in my ways. in my reply to janice's comment in the last post, i mentioned a bit about how sadness had become addictive. psycho alert! but really, do you ever indulge in misery? do you like to stay in a sad mood longer than you know you should? if you are no stranger to this blog and to me, you are probably no stranger to my blackhole theories. when you are in blackhole, you are sucked into an illusion which seems to create the reality you live in. and everything that enters your sphere of being gets sucked into it as well. you really believe you are weak, powerless, unworthy, unlovable and whatever else you are creative enough to imagine. seriously, there is no truth in these words you tell yourself when you are in such a place, but you believe with all your heart as if it's THE truth. and believe you me, i am one rather creative piece of creation.

why was i so happy today? do you know what it feels like to see things AS THEY ARE? world, this may be no big deal to you but to me, it is mind-blowing. i took the double-decker 147 home today and did something i haven't done in a long time. as i reached the upper deck, one of my blog posts about how i sat right in front of the upper deck of a double-decker one day came to mind and no prizes for guessing where i ended up. as i sat there, i just looked and looked and looked! there was so much to see! and i realised that for once, i was looking without all these things caught in my mind. it was such a pleasure to look really. i looked at the buildings, i looked at the cars, i looked at the drivers, i looked at passengers sitting on upper decks in other double-decker buses, i looked at a man starting up his motorcycle and putting on his helmet, i looked at the huge advertisements on sides of buildings, i looked at the skinny old man cycling his bike across a busy road as though he was the king of it, oblivious to the fact that all the cars were turning onto that road, i looked at the drains, i looked at the grey skies, i looked at the branches of trees and marvelled how they were literally reaching up to the sun, i looked at the old man in his wheelchair sitting at the lobby of the hospital with his caretaker staring blankly at traffic on the road and wondered what was going through his mind, i looked at the windows and doors of flats and wondered who live behind them, i looked and looked and looked and i never felt so happy just simply...looking! everything seemed clearer, more alive, brighter, more hopeful....or maybe it was just me. being in blackholes makes the world so small and dark and you can't really see what is outside. being inside so long makes this experience today feel so new and awe-inspiring, as though i've just been let out of prison, as though my eyes are adjusting to the brightness of the sun after being cooped up in a dark room for so long.

i had to take a picture, you know me. so there i am sitting right infront of the bus with my camera poised to take a picture of some road with trees lining it and it makes me laugh inside thinking what the other passengers must have thought of this.

(looking at this sight just filled me with an inexplicable feeling of something like hope)

upon reaching home, i could not help but recognise that familiar bounce in my step and i could not help but smile. ever smiled for no reason? cuckoo! well, in the words of sheryl crow, if it makes you happy, it can't be that baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.....

and just now, mervin and i were going to the minor seminary adoration room for a while to pray. on the way, we stopped at hougang mrt for mervin to top up his card or something and we had to pass by the fair again! i've been dying to go on the ferris wheel, perhaps cos i miss how often we used to go on the rides at moreys piers. but we ended up on the challenger instead!!! haha, it was pretty fun. scary but not that scary. i still decided to scream just for the sake of it and made sure i kept my eyes open throughout, if not, what's the point right?? then i bought some boiled peanuts from the HUUUUUUUUUGE pasar malam (night market) and while waiting for mervin to draw money at the atm, my itchy fingers reached for a $1 coin in my pocket and i put it into the slot machine and turned the knob and bought myself a CLAPBALL. i had no idea what in the world that was and i just needed to know. and my gosh! clap it did!! hahaha. what you do is that you just throw it on the ground and this small little thing makes one helluva noise!! boy was i thrilled! and finally, like two small kids (though mervin says i should say one but whatever!), we headed to the ado. it was a cool experience. i was sitting there reading the gospel of luke and imagining jesus saying those words and doing all those things he did and when i looked up, he was also there in the eucharist right infront of me. 2000 years later, and he's still there, here, even in this little dot of an island in between some hdb blocks, still speaking to me, still working miracles, still forgiving, still healing, still loving...

later on, we took a short walk to punggol park next door so that we could enjoy the boiled peanuts under the clear, starry sky and when we looked up, we saw that a moon corona had formed again, only this time, the ring around it was red, unlike the rainbow one we saw the last time. and it was funny because then it started to look like a pair of lips with a piece of mentos in between and then, it morphed into a monkey's head with a pair of really thick red lips and the mentos still between them. i tried to take a photo but the phone camera wasn't good enough so too bad. as we walked back to the car, we paused a while to look at the reflection of the lights from the hdb blocks nearby in the pond/lake/whatever because for some reason, it just looked beautiful today. here's a picture...

while walking back to the car, we saw this cat lazing on the hood of someone's car and found it pretty funny. the cat just continued posing for this shot (i took pretty long to take it cos it was so dark)...cats...pfft!

and finally, we called it a day. on the way back, we stopped by 7-11 so that he could buy bread and my mocha. and now, i'm back home typing this post so that i won't forget this day. and can i just add a picture of cute little sarah-ann smiling because it would be a crime to not do so? (that's her mommy carrying her and she happens to be my godmama as well.)
and you know during lent, how we decide we want to give up a particular something? i decided what i want to give up (yes i know lent has aready started). i want to give up this bad addiction of mine, this addiction to misery. i don't care anymore why or how i got this way. i just know it's not working and it sure has a way of disconnecting me from god from community from life from love. it is totally disempowering, not just for me but for those around me as well. lent is supposed to be solemn right? for me, it will be a period of joy, of new life and transformation. and when it is over, my old wine skin will be made new to hold the new wine of christ and i will be a new being. i am giving up being sad. (yay!) and i have an action plan for it too. the most important part of this plan...prayer! if there's one thing i've learnt throughout this time of being in this dessert, it probably has got to be something to do with faith. i can't tell you i'm totally enlightened and i know all the answers now, but i can tell you that faith really does move mountains and creates paths where none appear to exist. i knew, yesterday, that i desired to be happy. i didn't know how. but i prayed and i just knew that no matter how tall this request seemed, he would grant me it. and today when i woke up, i didn't have to check whether i had it. i already knew it the moment i prayed.

if the past few weeks, this dessert and the gospel of luke lectures have taught me anything, it is this: lord, i'm not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and i shall be healed.

it's so wonderful to be able to google your own blog!

those close enough to me will know that i have been pretty down and out for quite some time now, such that being sad has become a weekly routine. as usual, i always ask why. as usual, i always analyse and turn into my own psychologist. well, i think i'm better as a story-teller than as a psychologist because i am able to come up with millions of theories that all fit the state i am. the problem is, i don't know which one is the right one. and so now i think, perhaps the question shouldn't be "why" anymore. and perhaps, it shouldn't be me answering it anymore. what's funny is that though i feel i've changed these days, straying farther away from the bubble of joy i believed i used to be for a while, these emotions i experience now and the way i experience them feel so....familiar. as though it's the most normal thing in the world, as though i'm a pro at this, as though i've always been like this!

i was bored and started to google certain words in my blog just now. fireworks, raymond (are you honoured?? i figured there would be some funny entries) and a few others words. and all these entries brought a smile to my face. how happy i sounded then, how unjaded and excited, how light, and sometimes even wise. i wondered whether i would be able to write such entries now and remembered the words a friend had typed in a mail to me, telling me that day by day, it seemed as though i was changing, leaving the little shireen behind. so then, i decided to google the word "sad", knowing i must have used that word in many entries before, considering how sadness seemed to feel like my companion recently. and the results were amazing!

i felt i had found a friend. a friend who totally understood what i was going through and what i was feeling, a friend who understood the loneliness and silence that has been plaguing me for so often now, a friend who had fallen deep into blackholes and crawled out of it. for those who are confused, i'm talking about this girl (especially towards the bottom). yes, i was right. this is not the first time and perhaps it is not that i have changed, i have just stayed in this place longer than i should. reasons and triggers may have changed but what i am going through is nothing new. i've just been telling the same story of this experience in different words and different ways and all it's done is confused me terribly, i've fallen into a mess.

isn't it amazing? google helped me to find myself! haha. ha.

i'm not done yet. there is one more thing. I HAVE FORGOTTEN TO PRAY. and i think this is the most important part. i'm not talking about forgetting to pray for good things and to be happy. that is really more like asking. i'm talking about how i've disconnected myself from god so much, no different from how i've disconnected myself from so many people in my life at this moment. and i'm not just talking about plain talking. i'm talking about how the reception has become like static noise on the radio when the connection is poor, cluttered and almost totally out of the required frequency. i'm talking about how bit by bit, day by day, i've been tuning out.

i think i've rolled in the mud long enough for now.

thank you ...

(here, they cannot wilt away and i'm still as young as yesterday.)

not just for the roses (they're beautiful). and not just for being the reason i had to wake up at 7am this morning. but also, and more importantly, for the love you lavish so generously on me. it's something i sometimes find so hard to understand; how deep and constant your love for me is. so many times, i get so caught up in the little things. what you didn't do, what you should have done, whether your actions are enough, is what you are going to say or do gonna hurt me, bla and bla and so on and etc. ah, if only i had really looked carefully, i would have seen, in all those moments, that no matter what you said i said you did i did they said they did, you were really loving me the same through it all, just like you always told me. it's not that you never told me, i just find it hard to believe. i'm starting to.

you love me in your own way, whether this is the way the world loves or not. please forgive me, it's just that i had certain expectations and notions of what love was. as though there was some mould your love had to fit or else it wouldn't classify as love. i found it hard to accept then. i'm starting to.

i was silent in the car as you drove me home today because i caught myself getting caught up in the small things again. and as you were turning in onto my lane, i told myself i wasn't going to fall into that blackhole with these things swimming in my mind and i wasn't going to pour it all out on you while you patiently take it all in. i had realised, as you were driving me home today, that even in my silence which can really sting at times, you didn't seem to love me any less. and from then till now, i've been doing some thinking. and this is just what i wanted you to know.

i struggle with coming across as mushy i'm supposed to roll my eyes or make a spoof out of romance and mock valentines day and definitely not type such things for everyone to see faint!!! but anyway, the other thing i wanted you to know (though you'll tell me you already know) is that.

i love you. alot. :)

(cue to faint)

i just saw a moon corona! this is what i saw...


well this is not the exact picture of what i saw (my phone camera wasn't good enough). i got it from this site. but i saw something that looked exactly like this as i was walking from the car to the gate about 45 minutes ago (around 1am, something's wrong with my blog's time settings)! at first i thought it was a moonbow. mervin told me about moonbows before and i got really excited cos i thought i was really coming face to face with one! of course, i got straight to googling it while sitting on my royal throne and that's when i discovered the world of moon bows, moon dogs and moon coronas! how fascinating!!!

you know, at times like this, i feel as though the whole universe is conspiring to make me smile. all this just for me. thank you. =)

IT and the law class on wednesday opened up a whole new world to me. excuse me for being slow but world, do you realise the wealth that awaits us at project gutenberg?? (please keep it alive!) so anyway, i started reading jane eyre by charlotte bronte and nothing could tear my eyes away from the computer screen. strange since i do not have the stamina to keep up with these so-called classics whose average sentence spans 3 or more lines to a whole paragraph at times! and the next day, in oh-so-dreadfully-boring strategy class, i was all the while in this other world where jane eyre resided and while others were struggling to connect to msn or just to stay awake, my heart was beating excitedly as i hungrily devoured the words of charlotte bronte. i think i'm starting to blog that way too. it's so funny because when i was typing out my study plan for my exchange application, i found myself starting to sound as impassioned and long-winded as one of these novelists! how impressionable i am! and how i cannot stop typing this way now! shireen, return henceforth!!!

so this paragraph below talks about how jane eyre, a girl mistreated and abused before, is in awe as she watches helen burns being bullied and picked on by miss scatcherd. jane cannot believe that anyone can accept such injustice and abuse so calmly.

'The only marked event of the afternoon was, that I saw the girl with whom I had conversed in the verandah dismissed in disgrace by Miss Scatcherd from a history class, and sent to stand in the middle of the large schoolroom. The punishment seemed to me in a high degree ignominious, especially for so great a girl -- she looked thirteen or upwards. I expected she would show signs of great distress and shame; but to my surprise she neither wept nor blushed: composed, though grave, she stood, the central mark of all eyes. "How can she bear it so quietly -- so firmly?" I asked of myself. "Were I in her place, it seems to me I should wish the earth to open and swallow me up. She looks as if she were thinking of something beyond her punishment -- beyond her situation: of something not round her nor before her. I have heard of day-dreams -- is she in a day-dream now? Her eyes are fixed on the floor, but I am sure they do not see it -- her sight seems turned in, gone down into her heart: she is looking at what she can remember, I believe; not at what is really present. I wonder what sort of a girl she is -- whether good or naughty." '

later on, jane gets a chance to speak to helen and asks her why does she not speak up or defend herself and does she not agree that so-and-so are bad people and so on and so forth. helen shares what keeps her going and i can imagine myself in awe of her as jane would have been.

' "Love your enemies; bless them that curse you; do good to them that hate you and despitefully use you."

"Then I should love Mrs. Reed, which I cannot do; I should bless her son John, which is impossible."

In her turn, Helen Burns asked me to explain, and I proceeded forthwith to pour out, in my own way, the tale of my sufferings and resentments. Bitter and truculent when excited, I spoke as I felt, without reserve or softening.

Helen heard me patiently to the end: I expected she would then make a remark, but she said nothing.

"Well," I asked impatiently, "is not Mrs. Reed a hard-hearted, bad woman?"

"She has been unkind to you, no doubt; because you see, she dislikes your cast of character, as Miss Scatcherd does mine; but how minutely you remember all she has done and said to you! What a singularly deep impression her injustice seems to have made on your heart! No ill-usage so brands its record on my feelings. Would you not be happier if you tried to forget her severity, together with the passionate emotions it excited? Life appears to me too short to be spent in nursing animosity or registering wrongs. We are, and must be, one and all, burdened with faults in this world: but the time will soon come when, I trust, we shall put them off in putting off our corruptible bodies; when debasement and sin will fall from us with this cumbrous frame of flesh, and only the spark of the spirit will remain, -- the impalpable principle of light and thought, pure as when it left the Creator to inspire the creature: whence it came it will return; perhaps again to be communicated to some being higher than man -- perhaps to pass through gradations of glory, from the pale human soul to brighten to the seraph! Surely it will never, on the contrary, be suffered to degenerate from man to fiend? No; I cannot believe that: I hold another creed: which no one ever taught me, and which I seldom mention; but in which I delight, and to which I cling: for it extends hope to all: it makes Eternity a rest -- a mighty home, not a terror and an abyss. Besides, with this creed, I can so clearly distinguish between the criminal and his crime; I can so sincerely forgive the first while I abhor the last: with this creed revenge never worries my heart, degradation never too deeply disgusts me, injustice never crushes me too low: I live in calm, looking to the end." '

wow.

***

i also want to talk about one more thing. we don't have to keep defending ourselves and our egos. IT'S NOT THE MOST IMPORTANT THING IN THE WORLD. seriously. you can complain all you want to me, you can pour out all your emotions on me, you can call me and preempt me before the other party strikes. but i am not the judge or the jury and i don't care about who's right or wrong. all i care about is that you guys are willing to address this and work something out together. that's all.

to a hypothetical you and the specific you

i'm writing all this here because you can't even bear to look at me, like a thing which should be despised. you don't have to take a single word here seriously. after all, you've already made your mind up about who you are, who i am and who everyone else is. i've been doing some thinking this week and here's what i figured whether you care to know or not.

i'm done with bashing myself up and apologising for not being the way you want me to be. you know what? too bad. go ahead, call me all sorts of things. push all the old buttons. try new ones if the old ones aren't getting you the results you want. tell another story about something which happened years ago even after we've apologised for the 587th time. and yes, do remind us about all the things you've done for us. then go out there and act like only your day's been ruined and it's everyone else's fault. really, go all out. tell everyone noone understands you and then, do nothing to understand others. blog about the injustices of the world against you. use all sorts of four-letter words on whoever you please and act as though the world has come crashing down on you when someone says it to your face. i'm serious, go out there and label everyone as you see fit. hypocrite, emotional, punkass, plastics, girl with a load of psychology bullshit, first child who gets everything, whatever you please. then explode like an atomic bomb when even just one is used on you. no, i mean it, just go ahead. after all, it's your life, your words, your actions, YOUR choices.

and YOUR consequences.

you see, but are you really looking? you're hurt, but can you really feel? it's easy to feel sympathy for lonely old people and the victims of the blood diamonds craze when it's not you we're talking about. when it's not you who's to be blamed. it's easy to be blinded by anger when it's you injustice has occured against. it's not easy to immediately put yourself in the shoes of the ones you rage against. but so what if it's easy, or not easy?

for years and years and years.

but no longer. no longer will i be there to take it all in. anymore. from anyone. i'll talk to you still. i'll choose to understand you still. i'll love you still with no condition. but don't talk to me if you cannot respect me (you don't even have to like me). oh, and there's a difference between plain respect and authority.





new beginning new freshness.

i fell

today, i had a meeting in school at 5 and made plans to drive there (free parking after 5) but due to unforeseen circumstances, i ended up taking a cab there and reached pretty late. on the way, mr taxi-driver gives me an education about the IT business and CPUs and taoist funeral traditions and clans and what-not. finally we reach SMU and i whip out a 50 cos i have no small change (with a 2-day week, i don't really get to spend alot). he waits for me as i scramble to the meeting room to get something smaller. as i walk down the escalator to the 1st floor, i slip! i slipped on the escalator! there were 2 guys infront of me and 1 girl behind me and i think they were pretty shocked cos i slipped down a few steps and they looked really stunned and so was i. it was like in slow motion as the beads from my slipper scattered in all directions. still stunned, i just continued walking to the cab to hand the driver his money and told him to keep the change because i just wanted to go somewhere and hide and regain my composure. that was a close call man. thank goodness i didn't hurt my back or anything. but i have blue-blacks on my knuckles. that's never happened before. i don't know why i'm blogging this.

random things in random order

there are these swings i walk past whenever i walk through the park to get to my house. i love particularly one swing there because it is a good height above the ground, perfect for a big baby like me (only i can call myself that!), and when you swing forward and up, you get this beautiful view above the bushes of the field and the sky infront. as i walked past it for the gazillionth time, i decided today was the day (that day). it was the perfect moment. the park was empty, the evening was cool and still bright, and i pretty much had all the time in the world. i put my bag and laptop down and i was up, up and away. not more than a month ago, i was doing the exact same thing by lake michigan (looks more like michigan ocean). i took this picture while on those michigan swings.

i like to take pictures of my shoes in different places. these shoes have been many places and seen me through so much. italy, india, germany, czech, hungary, america and wherever else i've missed out. i should begin a photo album just for these shoes.

this was in prague last may while paddling on the river.

maybe i'll put a link or slideshow here of last summer's photos. and melt and reenie goes to wildwood has been left with a hanging storyline...hmmmm...

back to swings in michigan. papa, jeevan and i had taken a morning stroll to the lakeshore that friday (i think). we found these swings by the lake and hopped on. this is a funny shot of jeevan and me!

jeevan flying off the swings.

the rest of the pictures we took in new york and chicago can be found on these photo slideshows below (click on the links for the full album).


The Mahtanis in New York Dec ’06


The Mahtanis in Chicago, Dec 06

ok back to the swings nearer home. if you walked past those swings that day, you'd have seen a girl taking pictures of her feet while swinging like a mad monkey! and this is what she captured...

enough about swings. lets move on to museums. last wednesday, my brothers came to fetch me from school in the evening and wanted a tour. little did we know that the tour would bring us to (into) the newly-renovated national museum. we were really, really, really impressed. and furthermore, we got in for free. it was a darn good deal. here are some random pictures. here you go, prav.

in the fashion gallery...


in the food gallery. the bottles contain all sorts of spices and if u see a flower like thing sticking out next to me, it's actually this cool contraption where you pull this ring and put your nose over the flower-looking thing and get to smell that particular spice.



there were other really interesting stuff there as well and for a while, we felt like we were back at MoMA (museum of modern art) in new york. great job!

and yesterday, my mom got back from the states. she brought back a whole lot of goodies. she actually went there for work but on the way back, even her boss had to help her hand-carry some stuff onto the plane! madness! but it's all good! and here's one of the treasures she brought back, kindly donated by a couple in san francisco (maurice and seana, if you ever come here, thank you!).

we present to you...


the TEN-POUND bar of belgium chocolate!!!


after deliberating for the longest time deciding what to do with it, we decided to eat it. we came up with an ingenius plan. we'd slice a few pieces each week and store the rest. i think this bar could last us till june!!! NOT!!! chocolate doesn't last long in the mahtani's fridge. we're like vultures around chocolate!

isn't this insane? with a chopping board and everything. it really takes alot of effort to do this...

aside from swings and museums and chocolates, i am feeling much better now. it's good that i realised the mess that was cluttering my mind and cleared it up. noone said springcleaning was easy.

there's a line from ub40's higher ground that keeps resounding in my mind. the more i learn, the less i know about before. these days, i feel lost. i feel like my magic carpet's been swept from under my feet and i'm the process of falling, floating between the sky and the ground and i haven't hit my head or cracked my ass yet on the cold concrete.

i realised that i have this constant need to know whether the things i've done are right or wrong. i need validation always. and what happens when validation differs from one person to another? what if i'm invalidated and told i should be someone else i find so hard to be? world, do you know what i've been doing? i make myself wrong and apologise for who i am. and with everyone telling me so many different things, can you just imagine how many times and for how many things i've apologised for? do i have a right to be angry? or am i wrong to be angry? do i have a right to say anything i want? or am i wrong for not considering that the one thing i say might hurt you as harmless as it seems to me. should i do this? or should i not? right wrong right wrong.

and what really is bugging me right now is this. without all these validations from all these validating people, who is shireen? what would shireen do? what would shireen choose? it's a scary thought.

and the other thing that bugs me is this. i could swallow all my pride, go to the ends of the earth for someone, allow someone to push my buttons like mad and call me all sorts of things and when i make one mistake or have a flaw pointed out to me of which i can do nothing about, at the end of the day, i find myself apologising for EVERYTHING, really believing that i was wrong all along. i gather evidence to prove it even. how crazy is that?

i am feeling very tired now. lost. confused. stoned out. and very alone. i don't know who to tell all this to. it's one of those days i really am not so sure who i am. and i have all these decisions to make. internships, exchange, my future, what i want. i don't really feel like being around anybody. i'm sick and tired of validating myself by other people's yardsticks. and you know what, i can even imagine right now certain people who might be reading this post later (if ever) who might be shaking their heads at how weak and emotional and silly i am, telling me this is all my fault, but you know what, i don't really feel like caring about what you think right now. just let me be.

yet, as angsty as this post may seem, i'm also thankful for these "jagged little pills". alanis couldn't have put it better. and now, time for some ub40 to end of this post on a bittersweet note.

Moon and stars sit way up high
Earth and trees beneath them lie
The wind blows fragrant lullaby
To cool the night for you and I
On the wing the birds fly free
Leviathan tames angry sea
The flower waits for honeybee
The sunrise wakes new life in me.

And every hour of every day I'm learning more
The more I learn, the less I know about before
The less I know, the more I want to look around
Digging deep for clues on higher ground

The fishes swim while rivers run
Thru fields to feast my eyes upon
Intoxicated drinking from
The loving cup of burning sun
In dreams I'll crave familiar taste
Of whispered rain on weary face
Of kisses sweet and warm embrace
Another time another place

And every hour of every day I'm learning more
The more I learn, the less I know about before
The less I know, the more I want to look around
Digging deep for clues on higher ground

yesterday, i was on the train and i heard the opening guitar riff of this song before my ipod died on me. snow patrol's somewhere a clock is ticking. the song died before the words could be sung and i found myself continuing the song in my head. only thing was, i was singing one line over and over again...

"in slow motion, the blast is beautiful.."

like a record that got stuck somewhere and kept repeating a particular line over and over again.

the day still looked gorgeous and i couldn't wait for the rest of it. perhaps i'd go play on the swings before i walk home, maybe wave at mervin as his bus passes me by, even a nice drive with amama and my brothers later on, followed by a nice chat with mervin later...

then, i really have no idea how it got so bad. i didn't want it to get so bad. the only thing i wanted was for you to stop. i didn't care about the car anymore. i didn't know why you were saying the things you did and you could see it was making me mad but you just didn't stop. i threw the plate on the floor (i didn't want to throw it at you, i just needed to bang something, make a loud noise), i shouted a string of words of which i don't remember a single one except F and i ran out of the house.

"in slow motion, the blast is..."

i just wanted you to stop. your words really cut me, they were so uncalled for. it was just a bloody car. but still, i could have handled it better. i already said it to you but i'll say it again. i shouldn't have thrown that plate, i shouldn't have used vulgarities and now, i think, i shouldn't have run away. i acknowledge what i've done. and i acknowledge that because of what happened, a line of other upsets occured of which i really never intended to happen. while i am sorry for the things i've done, you know that all our hands are stained in this because not one of us chose to be loving or gracious. and right now, it really doesn't matter anymore who's right and who's wrong because at the end of the day, you'll believe what you believe and i'll believe what i believe and he'll believe what he believes. peace won't be attained through persuasion and blame. only through building bridges together. whether it is the iraq war or just a stupid petty sibling fight over some metal and leather.

what happened has already happened. i can't take back my disgusting words or rewind the motion of the metallic plate hitting the marble with the mutton bones flying everywhere. you can't take back your words or your actions either. life is not a blog where we can delete a badly-written post. things happen and people are the way they are and the grass is green the way it is green. i accept everything you are and are not. lets be friends (all of us). i'd love you to be mine.

p.s. and to mervin, papa, jeevan and aunty who were also upset as a result of all this and my actions, i am truly sorry and thank you for being so patient with me.

don't laugh. i mean it. according to yesterday's post, i should be in dubai by now, probably. so can someone tell me why i'm sitting on my bed at home in our not-very-sunny-nowadays island of singapore???

ok i'll tell you.

yesterday morning, i woke up and glanced at my handphone to read an sms from mervin asking what the transport plans to the airport at night were gonna be like. so i called up my mom..

me: mom, how are we going tonight?
mama: where are we going tonight?
me: what do you mean "where are we going tonight"?? aren't we flying off later??
mama: no lar, tomorrow night lar!
me: what! no 21st 1am right??
mama: ok now you're making me worried. go check the tickets...

little miss not-so-smarty pants shireen got the wrong date. but let me give you a prelude. yesterday morning, when i woke up, the first thing i did as i always do was to look at the clock on the wall. and it showed 1240!! i was extremely puzzled because i couldn't figure how i could've slept that long and was trying to figure out whether i had woken up in between to go back to sleep. worse, i was panicking because i really really believed i was leaving that night and there was tons to do now. that's when i checked my phone to read my smses and saw something else that puzzled me even further. my phone clock showed 930am! it took me a while to try to figure out which timezone i was currently in and was relieved that it really was 930am. it's like time had turned back 3 hours for me.

and so, when i found out that we were really leaving the next day (which is tonight as i type this), i was even more relieved. it's like a doctor telling you today is your last day to live and then you are given another day more to live! haha. i was immediately reminded of veronika in veronika decides to die. the doctor told her she was going to die (when she was perfectly ok) and even gave her a timeframe. such that each day after she passed that timeframe, she couldn't believe she was still alive and lived and rejoiced as though she was going to die the next day. and funny that i just blogged what i did last night as well. and here i was now, with all the time in the world (ok just one more day) to do all my "last things" without the panicky "last things" feeling.

i got to visit uncle ishu, get my pedicure and hair treatment, go for mass, have a nice dinner and evening with mervin (especially after my foul mood last night)...

i even had time to go see jeremy and joyce off at the airport.


i didn't have a chance to see them before that. and they're gonna be away for soooooo long!!! so, seriously, thank god for the extra day!

you'd think that at 1130pm, time would no longer play mid-december-fool jokes on me. but noooooooooo, you are sooooooooo wrong. so there i was with mervin, just talking and enjoying the seabreeze, and i remember glancing at my watch and realising it was only 1130pm. ok, i thought. quite a while passed and decided it was time to look at the watch again. mervin said something about it coming close to 1210am. i was kinda puzzled again because my watch read 1130. i didn't know what to make of it. i mean, how many times in a day??? what were You trying to tell me??

i guess Time was your gift to me yesterday. i mean, it's your gift to me everyday, but even more so yesterday. and i remember, yesterday, as i was hailing a cab by the side of the road, the thought crossed my mind that it was really so easy for me to throw my days away procrastinating. and i was thinking, if god had given me one more day to live, it would really be so easy for me to give up when something takes too much effort and then make up a really solid excuse for it. and seriously, what a sad waste that would be.

and it's funny i say "if god had given me one more day to live". because, what am i thinking?? everyday i wake up, god IS giving me one more day to live. so what am i doing with my life??

head knowledge. head knowledge. i need all this to singe my heart.

(wednesday 1am, actually)

i wonder, if everyone were to blog about goodbyes, would it all read the same? would we all write about how everything seems brighter, bigger, happier, sadder...? would we talk about all the "last times", last breakfast, last walk to the grocery store, last kiss, last bus ride, last swim, last....whatever? would we all talk about the things our hearts left behind and the things they now carry forward? i figure it would all sound the same, especially at that "final goodbye".

please excuse me. reading about z's last days on exchange, recollecting my own in wildwood, jeremy and joyce leaving tomorrow, fanglong leaving next month, me leaving tomorrow night (only for 2 weeks lar), people dying...it all just, you know, makes me wonder...

on another note, it has been raining incessantly! and now, there's this hole in my ceiling and the rain has sneakily found its way there. and THROUGH there. i realised putting a pail underneath would be pretty futile because the water splashes in all directions once it gets through that hole. so, little miss smarty pants shireen decided to put a plastic bag right under the hole, with the help of jeevan MUTTON-NI!


here's a close-up of the ingenius contraption.


a blue plastic bag and a whole army of wristbands from moreys piers. god only knows how useful those things were.


and we can only hope that as i sleep tonight, the bag will not come loose and release a torrent of cold rainwater onto my face. tonight, the wristbands of morey's will be put to the test. yes, tonight, we will see.

alright, time to sleep. think i should be able to blog from the states. pravin, be good. i'll miss you. seriously.