Today

These last few years, I've been growing more silent on the surface. The irony is that I actually have so much more to say, so many answers to my questions and wonderings, some of which I placed here, so many more questions that came as answers. 

These last few years, I dove deep into the waters of my heart. Well, sometimes life kind of held my head under these waters and I often felt I was going to drown inside of myself and never see the end. The deeper I dove, the more there was to be said, and at the same time, the less there was to be said. 

These last few years, there was so much to be said, there is so much to be said, more than ever. The stripping away of protective winter layers dangerously approaching the bare nakedness of my being. Silence, the curtain falls as the show begins to start, she feels the lights go out. In this darkness and solitude, there is terrible fear and loneliness. But she is not alone for kind eyes too roam the world, kind ears, kind hands, kind hearts. They hold her in their gaze when she can't bear to look. They hold her gaze. 

These few days, a certain kindness and light has entered her own eyes. Just the other day, she found her sniffles exploding into grief. "It's ok," she said. "You are sad," she said. "Cry."

These few days, she forgives herself more. Laughs with herself. Listens to herself. Converses with herself. She is surprised to find some of that unaffected youth return to her heart. She still often makes mistakes, people still get mad at her sometimes, but she knows she is not her mistakes. She knows she can do better. She knows she is strong, brave, kind. And she knows that she does not need others to believe this for it to be true. 

Today, she still wrestles with the voices of shame. The icy waters of sadness and loneliness. The hunger to be seen, seen and loved completely. Today, she knows that the presence of these familiar friends no longer means she has no other choice. Today, she does not choose them. She chooses to stay in the game because she deserves a chance and she is worthy of love, just like everyone else. She wants to love from a place of strength, not fear.

Today, and everyday, she will probably have to keep making this choice. I will have to keep making this choice. 

Today, this is what I chose to say. 

it stung like a violent wind, that our memories depend, on a faulty camera in our minds / the last moments

i came to say goodbye to you. as with most other goodbyes, i pray it isn't, it wasn't, the last. chatter steadily filled the room as more people entered. our conversation dissolved into theirs. they were asking me all these questions and i was giving them all these answers, but my gaze was on yours. yours was on things not seen, but most definitely felt. a tear broke free from your right eye and poetically traversed down the lines on your face. you summoned what little strength you had then and uttered the next few words slowly and purposefully.

"shireen. i feel very sad. you are leaving." i wiped your tear away, that precious tear, and told you that i would come back and that i would see you again.

"mmm," your standard reply as you signalled your acknowledgment. it took too much for you to talk these days, i treasured every word you spoke. i treasure every word you speak now.

the truth is, we both didn't know whether that was the truth. the truth is, my heart was breaking through my reassuring smiles. i don't know who i was trying to reassure.

but you let me go anyway and we promised to always say a prayer for each other. i gave you a hug and kissed you. it was time to leave, there were bags to pack and a plane to catch.

i replay this scene over and over in my head now, fiercely clinging onto, protecting, preserving, every moment we shared. time plays tricks on us and memories always seem to blur into one, but i resolve to never forget you.

i walked into a beautiful church the other day. i remembered your words. "light a candle for me whenever you enter a church." the grandeur of the church and the simple candle set alight, it couldn't have been more fitting. our insignificance is, in reality, surrounded by and drenched in divinity. a simple prayer for a beloved grandmother wafted into heaven then. three days later, they tell me you're unconscious and haven't stirred since. yet, there's a quiet calm because i know that heaven is with you in that silence.

but one thing is true and this is for certain. i love you, amama. thank you for everything. you couldn't have been more perfect and you did good. you did great.

i pray these words will somehow reach you. i pray that God preserves your beautiful heart, clothing it with peace and his glorious love, even as your life here slowly fades.

again, i love you. i love you. thank you.

remembering and forgetting

i don't have to be sad, i don't have to be like you, to feel like i love you, to show you that i love you. there's too much love out there, too much beauty and life and fun, too much awesomeness all around and within me, to be sad for more than an hour or maybe even thirteen minutes. eye-bags aren't that cool anyway and you can't put loose change or breathmints in them even, they serve no purpose other than to remind you that you've spent far too much time ignoring and avoiding total...awesomeness.

there's so much to say, but right now i feel that these things won't really matter for much longer. i cried for maybe sixteen minutes. it was highly necessary, the tears dissolved into a glorious epiphany, that i was wasting all these tears and time crying over...this. then I cooked the best baked alfredo pasta i had ever eaten, cleared the wardrobe which would've swallowed my room up in time, played lots of online poker and had the most refreshing shower ever.

i get so busy healing myself of you that i always forget who loved me first. when i remember, it changes everything and i don't have to be that scared little girl anymore.

falling in love with the most unlikely subject

all said and done, i would still choose to be me if i had to live my life all over again. the flipside of those woeful emotions that befall me is an amazing richness and depth in the way i experience beauty, love, joy, faith, magic, peace, passion, life....and i wouldn't trade that for anything (well, hopefully with a little more self-control on the angry-sad-hate side). it's really a package deal, take it or leave it. but just so you know, i love myself, i love being me, and,

i actually don't think there's anything wrong with that.

the perfect remedy

as cheryl (probably heaven's salesgirl of the year) shared about how she shared her secret remedy to a woman whose husband was was in the pits of depression, going from doctor to doctor, trying to find something that would remove that heavy piece of stone from his heart, i couldn't help but feel inspired to try that remedy myself. it was a remedy i had once faithfully gone back to over and over again before disillusionment and cynicism drove me to dump it aside together with my bible for later use and occasional tuesday nights.

it's probably no longer a secret that i've been depressed for the longest time. where i once used to carry this heavy sadness in my heart, i now even wear it. it's not hard to tell really. the lack of energy and drive to do things, the tired eyes and old demeanor even though i've only just turned 23, the anti-social behavior, the short temper and excess of emotions, the resistance to forgive and let go, to hold on to every single grievance caused to me and remember it for dear life...what a load to carry around, no wonder this heart is so tired, no wonder death sometimes seems like such a welcome respite.

tonight was no different from the past few nights for the past few weeks. the usual upsets, the usual loneliness, the usual desire to want to curl up on my bed and cry to nobody. but then i thought about cheryl and how in the deepest darkest crevices of loneliness and pain she can find the grace to pray and pray and pray, how she can find it in her to love me and all the people around her, not just friends or family but complete strangers. and i felt inspired to pick up that remedy from that dusty shelf once more.

i can't begin to describe how beautiful it was. as i sat there and quietened myself, being mindful that i was tuning myself into god's frequency, i started to feel calmer and allowed myself to be vulnerable to god. even now as i close my eyes from time to time to recall that experience, a wave of calm washes over me. it makes me feel thankful for my humanity and the experience and purification of faith and love through it. the encountering of jesus through the depths of my human pain and the amazing love that greets me and transforms me.

at that point, i was struggling with anxiety and unforgiveness, my body felt bruised and battered because i was just so tired and anxious and sad. i now know that being old is not having lived a certain number of years or walking slower than before. being old is really being weighed down with disillusionment, unforgiveness, cynicism and sloth, to name a few. i picked up henri nouwen's "inner voice of love" which cheryl gave to me and read a chapter which spoke about the two selves, the one you left behind because you were fearful and the one you became to appear formidable and how while you long for your old, intimate self, you push it away just so you'd survive. but you were only surviving without living. that's really how i feel these days. from wanting to be "jesus" to everyone, i got tired of being trampled on and took on the opposite form, shooting my mouth as soon as i was hurt, harbouring unforgiveness like a sacred treasure and doing pretty much whatever the hell i wanted. i was rebelling with a vengeance. henri nouwen wasn't far off when he penned down this reflection. he noted how that little, fearful self shouldn't be forgotten and pushed away but be made to become part of us again and that if we only allow ourselves to live with it, how much we would learn, how we would find that jesus is dwelling in that weak, fearful, human self. with all these thoughts forming in my mind, i picked up my journal which i had neglected for almost a year and instead of penning things down, i started flipping through, and i was deeply awed. i had experience those same emotions, those same thoughts then, and through those writings and my little tete-a-tetes with god, i realised how much that old, fearful self had so much to teach my now "formidable" self, how you really are your closest and most intimate friend. i was tearing when i read about the sufferings of shireen then and how i wish i could have warned her, pulled her out of it but as i read on, i was more amazed by her faith, her eagerness to forgive, to obey and to love. and i was inspired once more.

prayer is a beautiful thing. through that little prayer time just now, i found myself transforming from a person of bitterness and anxiety to one of love and forgiveness. i found myself being able to separate myself from experiences and hurt and to forgive and love those who would not understand or love me the way i wanted them to. i found myself wanting to not only pray for myself but for others. each time i worried about the reactions of others at my attempts to make peace and forgive, thinking, what if they reject me or think me a fool, i was reminded that my inclination to forgive was really between me and jesus and not because of the person in question. his/her willingness to forgive would be between him/her and jesus too. so instead, i thanked jesus for the grace to forgive.

it was indeed a beautiful time of prayer as i just allowed myself to be still, to converse with god and to write as i once used to. i recalled the words of cheryl when i told her about how i marvelled that she was always praying. and she told me that she just felt that jesus had so much to tell her. and i'm smiling because i know jesus has so much to tell me too. i feel like i've found an old friend and it's great to be back again. i pray for the grace to be disciplined in sticking to this remedy. prayer really soothes the ailing heart like nothing else can. also, i actually feel my aches gone and i do feel lighter and a little stronger. i'm actually smiling! you gotta try it if you haven't!

p.s. thanks for that forgiveness "mail", papa.

mama, harold and kumar

i swear my eyes are gonna pop out from playing this crazy "who has the biggest brain" game on facebook. i can feel it. i'm slowly turning into a zombie, with my eyes all spaced-out, staring in one direction, transfixed and relentless! so much for school being out, i'm drowing myself in math and memory tests!

watching harold and kumar with mama was so much fun! how it all started was hilarious. we were sitting side by side getting our pedicures done on thursday when i told her i was arranging with some of the msc dudes to watch harold and kumar the next day to which she replied, like a needy teenage girlfriend (yes, my mom), "i also want to watch!!!", complete with furrowed brows and pout. she had gotten the idea that it was going to be one of those chevy chase national lampoon kinda movies, don't ask me why. pravin and jeevan had come back with raving reviews about it and she decided this was a show she couldn't pass up on. now, any kid would say no to watching such shows with his or her mom, riiiiight?

wrong! before i found out (after the movie was over) that she thought it was a national lampoon knock-off, i genuinely thought that my mom was starting to become more adventurous. i mean, she seemed to be living out her second teenagehood these few days, sometimes to the point where i'd feel i was more like the mother and she, the daughter. it got me really curious as to how my mom would react to such a show and i immediately said yes! and she told me just now before leaving work, she was actually boasting to her colleagues that she was going to watch "harold and kumar!"

so we just watched the show a few hours ago and it was so incredibly fun watching with her! she was actually laughing hysterically. at some scenes though, she would go, "you mean jeevan (my youngest bro turning 18 in a few days time) watched this?? how can jeevan watch this??" of course, she came out shaking her head but i'm sure she secretly enjoyed it and i told her so.

i have more things to say. but i'm going to put it in the next post, right after this one! now!

p.s. i actually thought the "square root of three'' poem was pretty smart. i loved it! here it is! don't read on if you want to preserve the surprise factor!

The Square Root of 3 by Dave Feinberg

I’m sure that I will always be
A lonely number like root three

The three is all that’s good and right,
Why must my three keep out of sight
Beneath the vicious square root sign,
I wish instead I were a nine

For nine could thwart this evil trick,
with just some quick arithmetic

I know I’ll never see the sun, as 1.7321
Such is my reality, a sad irrationality

When hark! What is this I see,
Another square root of a three

As quietly co-waltzing by,
Together now we multiply
To form a number we prefer,
Rejoicing as an integer

We break free from our mortal bonds
With the wave of magic wands

Our square root signs become unglued
Your love for me has been renewed

i can't sleep.

i sometimes wonder, what is it like to go to sleep with a big smile on my face? i'm sure i must have done so before. but it feels like it's been too long, so long that i've forgotten what it's like.

as i lay my head on the pillow, i wonder whether i will get lonelier and lonelier from this day on. i start planning when i want to secure a job and what i should do for income till then and then i'm hit with the realisation: who am i going to enjoy with? i think about what i'm going to do when (if) i wake up tomorrow and i can't even get past the morning without feeling empty. bit by bit, i feel the walls caving in on me till it is just me. no voices, not even the sound of static or the universal hum. just my breathing.

some people said today (not for the first time), "i come to your blog, i read the first line and i want to off my computer," as a humour-intended passing comment about the length of my posts. "i don't understand what you are writing, i don't know whether you are happy or sad". i don't know either sometimes. but the irony of their jabs, what they didn't know, and will never know, because they probably never will get to this line, is that that's pretty how much i feel about my life these days. i feel like i'm just shrinking, shrinking, shrinking. till i'm not even worth a glance or ear anymore.

i could probably get used to it. i don't think so. i'm gonna try to get some sleep.

talk

i suddenly feel so tired. so tired of small talk. so tired of all talk. talking about internships talking about cute guys and summer scandals and exchange, about injustice and hurt and blame. i'm tired of talking about my problems and dreams, about love about life, about things i know nothing about, about the things of my secret garden as though they were merely weeds to be trampled on, ordinary, meaningless, mere coincidences. tired of talking about why i'm sad, about what makes me happy, about myself, about you, you and you. tired of talking to fill up the space, talking to connect, to belong, to be noticed, to not be alone. man i'm tired of talking about talking. i'm just so. tired. of. talking. what's the point.

it's funny, it really is, how you sound sick, like you've got a cold, when you've lost all drive to talk.

raw

i wonder, no. i know, that i seem to place a lot of importance in pleasing people. it's pretty funny, and maybe even pretty insane.

like take for instance, i was at this retreat from monday to wednesday at the canossian spirituality centre where i happened to pick up a few books from the library about dying. and some other books not about dying as well. took the whole stack and sat outside my room along the balcony/corridor facing the bukit batok nature reserve. the australian priest who stays there comes along as his office is nearby my chosen spot. he asks what book i'm reading and i tell him, "life after death" by raymond moody and he says something about how we should be reading books about and focusing on this life first and it's my response to this that perplexes me. i look like i'm there talking with evelyn and cheryl anne and we've gone on to other subjects and are laughing about other things and the priest has already gone into into his office but in my mind, i'm still stuck on the same one subject. "what's wrong with this book i'm reading? what's wrong with me? does the priest think i'm not very wise? i hate that he thinks i'm foolish. i hate that maybe i've been foolish all this while. i don't want to be foolish. i don't want him to think i'm foolish. i want him to think i'm special. i want him to like me. blablabla."

and then i started thinking, how nonsensical these thoughts are. firstly, i'm shireen. secondly, i'm interested in this dying thing, in those spectacular, intense, scary, beautiful, unpredictable moments separating one life from another and, so what? thirdly, why do i care so much about what this priest thinks about me? i am who i am and i love who i was made to be.

take another example for instance. i was leading praise and worship for session today and i was pretty nervous. i know i prepared and i prayed and i reflected. i know that what i typed out on those pieces of paper was real and genuine and not just plain fluff. then it was time to start. i stood there, looked around at the faces of my friends as i was sharing, praying, leading, and i would see what i thought was a blank face and i'd start thinking about what this person is thinking. "oh, why is she so long-winded? can she just get to the song already? i want to sit down. ok, good try leading, shireen. at least, she tried." and then i'd start thinking, "oh man, am i really lousy at this? do they think all i said is fluff? maybe it is. who i am kidding? it probably is. blablabla."

and then now i think about it. and it's just plain rubbish again. these thoughts. how sad it is that i discount my own experiences and identity because of the fear that others may not like or agree with me. these thoughts get so loud and in-my-face i sometimes get bored and nervous about the sound of my own voice when i'm talking to others.

see, it's not the priest. i have nothing against him. i rather like him, he could be santa if he had a long white beard and snowy locks. it's not my friends who just happened to look the way they do. it's just that i've been like this as far as i can remember. i want to please people. i want people to like me, to say good things about me....but ultimately, it's because i want to know i'm not wrong, that i didn't make the wrong choices, that i'm a good person, that i'm lovable. like, i have to be a certain way to be lovable, to prove to you that i'm lovable. which is just crazy because i know i'm a good person. i know who i am. i know i love who god has made me to be, just the way i am. i know this. and yet, why do i need to prove it to anyone?

i guess i'm beginning to understand why. i grew up like this. i don't blame anyone. but i somehow learnt that to avoid being blamed and hated and shunned and misjudged by the people closest to me, i had to make myself liked by them. because i paid a price when i was disapproved of. i found myself feeling guilty and disgusted with myself when i was disapproved of. maybe it was their words, maybe it was my need to feel loved and accepted, maybe it was their insecurities, maybe it was my need to prove to them i was a good person and they could trust and depend on me, that i wasn't the monster they said i was, that i didn't deserve to be called and labeled all the things they called and labeled me as, maybe i just wanted them not to give up on believing in life and its goodness. alot of maybes. i bent over backwards and bit my lip so many times for it. it ate me up inside. i could handle it though. i was strong. i trusted and believed. i loved.

but these days, every little sign of disapproval or disagreement or lack of interest in me seems to get me feeling edgy and worried, like i failed something. and i'm not so nice about it anymore. i don't just take it in anymore like i used to. initially, i still might, but then i hate patronising people and i hate living in a bubble of untruth. i want to make people pay for it, to show them that they made me feel this way, to make them feel the same way i feel, or just to assure me that i'm still loved. or i just believe what they say about me and fall deeper into my doubts about myself. i'm short on love and high on impatience and anxiety. i'm slow to love but fast to get angry and upset. i show everything opposite of what paul says about love in corinthians. impatient, rude, angry, jealous, insecure, keeps account of wrongdoings, you name it, you got it.

that's not all. i start to feel i've failed and not done my duty as a good person when i see all this suffering around me and can't do anything about it or don't know how to. i feel so disappointed in myself, i feel i don't have a right to be so happy, all these things. it all somehow links with all the misery i inflicted upon myself when others inflicted their own misery on me. i felt i didn't have a right to be so happy then. that if they were miserable, then i should be too. maybe all this, this whole post, it all sounds crazy. but i don't think i'm alone in having thoughts like these. i think we all have them, some of us, more, and some, not so much.

well not every uneasy feeling is bad. sometimes, restlessness is a sign that one needs to be spurred to take action about something important. but i won't talk about that now though some of the uneasiness i feel now is about that too. and some of the uneasiness i feel now also has to do with a whole lot of other stuff as well. but i'll probably never get round to sleeping and just end up with a very bad headache if i try to think it ALL out now...

well, at least now i can put a finger on it more clearly. i don't think i'm spiralling into a black-hole just yet. actually, i think i have been in one for some time (don't need to be surprised, most people never show it). but i guess i'm kinda trying to make my way out and i'm aware i am/was(?) in one. i think i've pretty much become a baby again, in loving, in believing. but i still love, and i still believe. i think i've fallen many steps behind but i know it's not the end, it's not everything and i know it's time to humble myself and take those baby steps. i feel like i am starting from the beginning all over again and progress is slow, oh how i stumble and fall again and again. how i throw my tantrums and become a lump of hopelessness (i'm sorry and thank you for your patience). but i am taking those baby steps determinedly, with thanks and praise in my heart. baby hope, baby faith. but still hope and faith nonetheless. don't let me let go.

today's song is dire strait's "so far away". i love it! the starting bassline, the way the chorus comes in, the deep vocals, the instrumentals, the lyrics. it has this really classic, carefree, bittersweet feeling and like new order songs, brings me back to sunday afternoon drives. papa always plays these cds and the music resonates through the speakers straight into my heart. and when i called home just now, he told me that he had another version of eleanor rigby which he would let me hear soon and was listening to currently. i wonder just how many versions there are. i was looking for it on youtube and heard all sorts of versions ranging from pop rock to jazz to heavy metal and techno. amazing.

my last few days in dunedin, today will be my second last and i'll spend it with pravin who'll be touching down in dunedin in approximately 12 hours or so. can't believe it. my life in singapore is like a whole other world and it'll be so strange to have someone cross over from that world into this one. it'll be strange to see him walking the streets of dunedin, sitting in my car, staying in backpackers together. it just feels like it's been forever since i was here and yet, i will be home in about a week or so.

shanny and i were just reflecting today sometime in the middle of our bimbo tai tai escapade (hey it's possible alright!) today that we might be thinking right now about how we wish we had done so many things earlier or more often or both. but we agreed that it was not really about that. the fact is, things always feel different in the last few moments. every moment takes on a different, more brilliant hue. there's a sense of urgency, revelation, intensity, a certain burst of energy and life, and no matter how many times you've touched the mimosas and watch them close as you stroll on the fields on your way home, no matter how many times you've held the hand of the one you love, no matter how many times you've sat at the same spot staring out of your window at the cars and the trees and the clouds and the people each day, these moments will still feel different when you become aware that those moments may be one of the last ones you'll have.

we were also thinking about how the most intense and extreme experiences are necessary in order for life to progress. we might be mothers one day and we might have to experience labour and the pains of childbirth to bring another life into the world some day. i can't imagine it and yet, it's universal. everyone will have to die one day, and what is more extreme than death in this life? just think about it, as insane and intense as these experiences may seem, everyone must and will go through them. you can choose to skydive, you can choose to bungy, but you can't choose to not die, which is way scarier and more thrilling than any other activity you can conjure. and no coward or hero can ever run away from that.

i know i keep getting all emo and blogging about goodbyes and the last moments and life and death. it's just that these moments inspire me the most, they awaken something in me, they teach me so much more, they put music in my heart and paint all sorts of colours i've never seen before but continually fall in love with. and i want to share this with whoever i can. grab hold of these moments, think about the awesomeness and fragility of this beautiful transient existence and what a miracle each day, each breath is. no matter how boring you feel your life is, no matter how sad an existence you think you lead, no matter how hopeless your future may seem, no matter how mundane your days have been, look beyond it all, be thankful for each and every moment you are presently in. (i really believe that a joyful heart is one that is sincerely thankful.) and love like there's no tomorrow. love like your heart is on your fire and you could just explode from it.

well, i haven't been updating much recently and i doubt i might in the near future since i'll be leaving dunedin this sunday for good, after which i will be roadtripping with pravin and shanny. and soon, i'll be back home. people keep asking me, am i sad to leave? i have this to say. i'm happy i was here. i'm happy i'm here. i'm happy i'll be home soon. i don't wish anything different from what is given to me now. in fact, i'm grateful and i trust even more that i don't have to wish things to be different at all, ever, simply because i know that i'm always given what's best for me. love always wants the best for us. and i trust completely in that love. and if i ever forget, which i so often do, please be patient with me and remind me. shake me up and pinch me silly if you have to, just don't ever let me forget.

day 3, 26th august 2007: taupo to rotorua, the shrillest highs and the lowest lows

the night before, before i went to sleep, i said a short prayer. i said, "god, i don't know how i'm gonna go for mass tomorrow, but only you know how much i want to. you'll find a way for me." this morning, shanny comes into the room while i'm packing my bags and tells me that worship is going on next to the kitchen. my heart bounces. what on earth are the chances?? in this little backpackers' in taupo?? true enough, i walk to the kitchen and a group of filipinos have gathered for a sunday morning worship. i stand there, dumbfounded and smiling from ear to ear. it's always a joy to see a group of people come together to praise and worship god in song, doesn't matter who or where. they were really welcoming towards me and eugene and offered up their seats to us, inviting us to join them as they broke the word together. yea, it wasn't mass. but i couldn't ask for more. i had only thanks to give. and how apt because shortly after that, glen, shanny, gavin and i were whisked off in a limousine to go...

SKYDIVING!



i felt a special connection with my tandem instructor, not because he was crazy (oh believe you me, he was a nutcase, he was perfect!), but because he had the same name as my darling. not mervin la. reno. haha.

check out the video of my experience below!! a bit tak glam (not glamourous), but what to do. you can't really think about all that fluff when you're 15000ft above ground, falling off an airplane in the middle of god knows where, with a crazy man shouting into your ears!




yes, what cornier song could i have chosen than eye of the tiger right. haha. damn.

the whole experience was rather intense. the first few seconds was such a blur. i was hanging out of the plane one second, and the next thing i know, i'm spinning wildly in the sky, with my ears popping like, i don't know, a popping thing. pop, pop, pop. scream. spin. a glove falls to the earth. scream. spin. wonder what the hell you're doing falling through the sky. fall. fall. fall. sudden realisation that you are actually skydiving. look at mountains and coastlines and fields and hmm, i don't think i saw any birds. suddenly, everything becomes slower, and calmer. the canopy has opened. this is the part i start flailing my arms and my legs as we gracefully descend to the ground, imagining myself to be a bird. this is where i look at the cars below, oh how small they are, and that feeling is perfect. i'm flying!

was it all that scary? i don't know really. i don't think i felt fear. it was more like, what the hell!!!! insanity, perhaps. fear? that would be looking over the edge of a cliff and taking that step to plunge down to the rocks, suspended by a mere cord. i think the consciousness of what you are doing contributes alot to the fear you feel. and in TANDEM skydiving, you don't make that conscious decision. someone makes it for you. that is why, one day, my dear friends, i will learn how to do it alone. that's when i'll really be afraid. that's when i know i have to do it! crazy la this girl.

moving on.

next stop was huka falls. no, it's not a hippie hideout where you smoke hookah the whole day. it's a series of rapids leading to a waterfall. over here, i don't know whether it was just me but i had an urge to jump into the water and let it carry me to wherever. i have a weakness for water-slides and water-rides. you can't blame me. the water was so clear and blue and looked like something you'd find in fantasy island (water theme park which got closed down in singapore). i swear eugene is trying to kill me, whether it's by pushing me into a whirlpool or giving me a heart-attack everytime he suddenly appears at my house or his cockiness when he plays bridge. OOOOF!!!

still not satisfied for the day. we headed on towards craters of the moon, where the earth was literally fagging because the crust there is so thin. it's so insane. some crazy person pointed out that the place looked apt for the setting of a martial art movie and soon, we got to work.







YOU SO HAVE TO WATCH THIS!! presenting eugene vs dias...


with enough done for the day, we headed on to rotorua where the fragrant smell of sulphur resided permanently. it was here at cactus jack backpackers, when the others had gone to play bridge, where i received the awful news that reno had been put to sleep. the phone was passed around from papa to mama to pravin to jeevan to aunty and
my heart broke as i heard the sadness in the voices and let the reality sink in that reno no longer was. it was a strange call now that i think back.

shireen: i went sky-diving, and my instructor's name was reno!!
papa: synchronicity.

and then he had to break the news to me. who knows what to make of such a day as this? you can't be totally happy, and yet, you can't be totally sad either. i guess, in all moments, it's always important to be thankful. and i should know that. there's lots to be thankful for.

synchronicity indeed, this is the song playing on my iTunes now...

I am thinking it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images and
When we kiss they're perfectly aligned

And I have to speculate
That God himself did make us into
Corresponding shapes like puzzles pieces
From the clay

True, it may seem like a stretch
But it's thoughts like this
That catch my troubled head
When you're away, when I am missing you to death

When you were out there on the road
For several weeks of shows
And when you scan the radio
I hope this song will guide you home

They will see us waving from such great heights
"Come down now," they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now," but we'll stay

I've tried my best to leave
This all on your machine
But the persistent beat
Sounded thin upon listening

That frankly will not fly
You will hear the shrillest highs
And lowest lows with the windows down
When this is guiding you home

They will see us waving from such great heights
"Come down now," they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now," but we'll say...

-Such Great Heights by The Postal Service

edit: ah yes, we went to the mitai maori village at night but i kinda ended the post already, so, once again, just refer to shanny's blog. and look out for owen! haha. i seriously felt i was at some gigolo show sitting between shanny and bavani who were giggling like little girls and drooling as the almost-naked maori men pranced around crazily on stage. i quote bavani, "i'm in heaven." once again, i hope none of your boyfriends come here! haha.

prison

it was so hard to wake up this morning because i was stuck in a dream which was hard to separate from reality. ever experienced that feeling while dreaming? i dreamt that i was sent to a prison in singapore, together with 3 other friends. it was quite a strange kind of prison. you had times for nap, using the internet, watching dvds. then, there was also physical training and we were warned that if we went out of the trail we would be shot immediately. the prison was by the ocean and it increased my sense of isolation as i recalled how free i was before that in new zealand. it amplified the ache in my heart because i was away so long and still nowhere near home and missing everyone like mad. i was put there so suddenly i had no time to even inform anyone back home and by the end of the day, was so tired, i just didn't do it. funny how the whole place suddenly resembled a backpackers concept. i know raymond was one of the 3 other friends with me and he was actually excited. as though we were attending some conference or camp together, as though the whole thing was a faith experience for us, especially since the crimes were so small i.e. traffic, parking offences. and the worst part is i was to be there for 300 days! i tried to talk to one of the wardens, that there must be some mistake about it. at first she didn't want to talk to me because she wanted to go sleep. i guess it was because she saw the desperation on my face and knew it would require effort to talk to me. i told her i wanted to talk to her about facts, not emotions. she agreed. i told her there must be a mistake. she comforted me by saying they were considering giving us all a 10-day off period, and for a few seconds, raymond (who suddenly appeared again) and i, were so happy and jumping up and down. and i became sad again when it hit me that my stay was not shortened to 10 days, but 290 days. and i just had to get out...and i woke up. relieved. confused. disoriented. still feeling like i'm in prison.

what's funny was that travelling and being in jail made me feel the exact same thing in that dream, imprisoned. how is that possible?? i can only conclude it was the sense of isolation from my loved ones, from missing them. even when i'm surrounded by people i know. yet, it's always not so bad when i wake up, only in my dreams it is. and it's funny that i've had this same dream before and it felt just as real. something tells me i better obey all traffic rules to the core!

bringing my car for a warrant of fitness check with dias later. it's required here in new zealand. while waiting we might check out this cosy little cafe they keep going on about which i've never seen. will probably bring some work. please let me finish some work so that i can feel like i deserve all this!!! =/

41 days
(click on pictures for enlargement)

that's how long its been since i left home.

sunday, 1st july

boarded the flight to christchurch. it's funny how you look forward to something so much but when it comes you get cold feet. you're bombarded with "what if"s and "did i do the right thing"s and all that other nonsense. yes, nonsense. it's then that you really have to tell yourself, focus, shireen, or mary jane or mutu or whoever.

look back and you turn into stone or a pillar of salt (from your tears maybe) like lot's wife. no, look forward instead, life is waiting for you!

and the same things which made my heart ache with the pain of goodbye gave me strength. the loves of my life. family, friends,aunty, mutu (haha)...they were with me to the very second the glass doors of changi airport separated us. but even then, nothing could separate their love from me.

i was practically running to my flight though! paid about $200 or so (that was a heavily bargained price by the way!) for overweight luggage (42kg!!! max was 23kg.) by the time we got all that sorted, prayed and did all the hugging, i had like minutes left to board my flight!

monday, 2nd july

the sight of the southern alps on south island new zealand welcome me. i'm one of the last to leave baggage claim and clear customs because i'm waiting for my guitar. at the baggage desk, a young guy looks stressed. i overhear his conversation. his luggage is lost and he has been travelling for days, from hungary to germany to singapore to new zealand. plane delays, lost luggage. i see my guitar and walk on to screen my 42kg and slightly more worth of luggage. (they screen luggage and practically empty your bags to make sure you don't bring in any unauthorised foods). i was praying that they wouldn't open my luggage not because i brought my whole fridge from singapore (i didn't, just instant noodles, chicken rice chilli, blabla), but because packing was KILLER seriously! and praise god, they asked me to proceed to the xray machines instead.

there, yan, my dad's friend's sister, met me (it was the first time in my life i ever saw her or spoke to her! and many more people to come.) and i was worried about the excess baggage allowance for my connecting flight to dunedin. and she offered to bring down the excess for me because she was going to be driving around south island in a few days and would be stopping by dunedin! thank you god! thank you yan! so there i was unpacking and repacking at christchurch airport, my belongings a mini-musuem for the world to see. then yan drove me around and brought me back like 10 minutes before my flight was bound to take off! story of my life these 2 days. she wasn't panicking so i thought i didn't have to either.

funny thing is, i get on the flight and guess who's in my row? the hungarian guy i saw earlier. an old lady sits between us and we 3 get quite friendly with each other. then i find out that the hungarian guy is also bound for exchange at the university of otago and he tells us his whole unfortunate story again (which i actually heard earlier). the old lady buys us cookies (because the plane didn't have proper food) as we had both not eaten for a while and as we part ways at dunedin airport, she blows me a flying kiss and i am wowed!

hungarian guy and i almost miss our bus to our accomodation because he is busy looking for this person and that counter to sort out his luggage dilemma but to no avail. i make a call to the transport company and the lot come back to fetch the 2 of us. (oh my gosh!! how will i finish this post if i go on at this rate??soo....will fast forward some bits!)

so i checked into my acommodation, toroa international house. nice flat, nice flatmates, pretty much a nice place to stay. but i won't talk about it much here. i'll put up another post about life in dunedin sometime. and the hungarian guy, keep bumping into him around school and in funny situations. he finally got his luggage haha.

saturday, 7th july


my first trip here was to moeraki with a bunch of singaporeans i met here (all from NUS!). nice bunch. moeraki was beautiful. i just wanted to stay there and imagine i was all alone and there was nothing but the sea and me and these strange round boulders and who knows how they got here (i guess there's an explanation but i like to make things sound mysterious and dramatic). i walked along the shore looking for shells, remembering those wildwood days last year and the special shells i found meant only for me. i admired the greenness of the sea and let the wind mess up my hair. saw a little boy sitting on one of the boulders who refused to leave and get down even after his family walked pretty far away. as though it pained him greatly to leave this rock he claimed as his own.

old train station in oamaru, shanny (un)intentionally poses

after moeraki, it was still early so we decided to check out oamaru. it's this little town where we got a really magnicifent view from a hilltop overlooking the coast and the town. there, we were starving and couldn't find a proper place to eat as it was saturday and most places don't function here on weekends, what more a small town! we had some heavenly milkshake here. they ran out of chicken. damn.

top(from left): shanny, me

bottom(from left): eugene, dias, leonard (johnson didn't join us and bavani wasn't in nz yet)

fri, 13th july to sun, 15th july

the next roadtrip involves eugene, shanny, a ford focus and me (and later ron, shanny's darling and the catalyst for the trip). we headed to christchurch to fetch shanny's boyfriend. what a character ron is! haha. the trip to christchurch was lovely. great weather (clear, blue skies), great views (mountains, rivers, ocean), great food (budget new world stuff really, cookietime!!!, and yummy mongers fish and chips at night) and great company.



it was also the first time i pushed a caravan out of snow before. we had made a pit stop while we were driving along the scenic route to play with snow along the roadside. while frolicking in the snow, we see a camper van in distress and the ever helpful eugene walks over to investigate the situation and the next thing i know, we're all pushing the van together out of the snow!

eugene made us walk so much at night i tell you! all because of his beer! haha. walked and walked and walked, i just wanted to go back and plonk into bed.

next day, we headed to the airport to fetch ron (lucky shanny!!). then, we began our roadtrip to the outskirts of christchurch. i really loved those places and they're on my lists of places to go back to again some day. if i have the chance, i would really love to take you and you and you and you there (the you thing inspired by joyce unkhoo).

view en route to akaroa, didn't know where to aim! haha.

akaroa was really lovely and i could imagine just rowing a boat in the lake or whiling the hours away by the dock, just reading a book or playing my guitar or having a cup of coffee and some good ol' conversation with someone i love. or just being quiet and listening to the gulls, the gentle waves, or even just the sound of silence. didn't take a photo because again, i didn't know where to aim the camera. i've resorted to taking videos whenever i'm lost for choice now! i'm compiling them for my own lonely planet kind of video. it's in the works.

next, we drove through clouds (i'm not kidding!) to little akaloa. we found it by accident and curiousity. i really love this place too! it was a little inlet or bay or whatever you call it between two cliffs, with the big wide ocean outside. quiet little place with nice little houses and these old school boats and an abandoned tyre and clean air and the sound of the waves again. little akaloa, goes on the list too.

at little akaloa. i somehow had an affinity for this tyre. god knows why.

after a whole day on the road, we headed back to the hostel to rest for a SHORT while before going for our ALL BLACKS GAME!!! haha, yes you read it right. main reason why i came on the trip actually (not ron! haha, that's shanny's.) we met yan and her friend, hansel, again, for dinner, then briskwalked to the game cos the buses were all not stopping (too full!). i got alot of stares and comments because well, you see, i was wearing quite a ridiculous-looking hat. refer to pic. i gotta admit, i'm really a fake all blacks fan and i hope some crazed all blacks fan doesn't come to this blog and start cyber-stalking me and spamming my comment box with hate msges. because well, kiwis take their rugby really seriously.

the haka (dance of challenge) was awesome though. and haka is the name of my flat so i have an affinity for it. and the atmosphere was really electrifying. i know nuts about rugby and didn't give a damn who won but i just cheered anyway. loudly for the all blacks of course. (and silently for the south african springboks.)

the drive back the next day saw us on the scenic route again. shanny wanted ron to see the mountains and the snow up-close. we decided to go explore a lake on the way, thus taking an off-beaten track (one of the many taken and many to come) to find our way there. it was an adventure reaching the lake but better left unelaborated. i was picturing myself taking a sip of natural springwater from the lakes and smacking my lips in satisfaction. but when we got there, the lake(s) were all frozen!!! haha. there were actually people ice-skating on it and i really wished then that i had brought a pair of ice-skates (not that i have a pair to start with) along because hello, it's not like i get the chance to ice-skate on a real-life lake everyday, what more, surrounded by mountains! and also because, a few days before, toroa had organised an ice-skating night with a retro theme and i had put on my most retro outfit and learnt how to ice-skate and was RACING others by the end of it! gave me such a kick!

saturday, 21st july


the office for international students at otago makes up to us for our cancelled peninsula trip by organising another for us. so off we go in 3 busloads to the otago peninsula to spot penguins and albatrosses. we saw none. but we saw some really gorgeous sights. the most gorgeous ones i couldn't capture on camera because my camera battery died. and just as well because i was battling wind, rain and hail. but i saw the most beautiful rainbow i've ever seen in my life. it was at this beach (i don't even know what it's called) and there were 2 rainbows actually! full ones! one end touching the water, the other, the rocks on land. and what a sight to behold! i walked backwards after every 3 steps while leaving because i just had to get as much of it as i could! the beach itself was beautiful, with hidden caves here and there and a huge rocks scattered all over. aaah. and of course, the bbq dinner after that was heaven! free as well! haha. went home to thaw though cos i got really wet at that rainbow beach and i've been falling in and out of sickness since then!

saturday, 4th august
we had our toroa ball. the theme was masquerade and the ticket was a mask which we had to decorate. i think mine looked like something fit for a chinese wayang (opera)! it was accidental. people seem to take balls really seriously over here. so well, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em right? so we all dressed up, carried our masks to the ball (at otago musuem), took lots of pictures (i took some too because everyone was taking pictures and i felt quite awkward just sitting at the table and drinking water because food was not ready yet, i was starving i tell you!), oooh and aaaahed at people's outfits and whatever, ate like there was no tomorrow (i paid the price the next day), danced like we were in a club to music that skipped and we tried to like (but well, when i dance, the music doesn't really matter. dancing alone gets me high, really! i realise that there were times when i was sad and alone in my room, and i'd just start dancing to a song on my player and find myself feeling happy and optimistic very soon! maybe i should dance more when i'm alone! on the street, in the bathroom, in my sleep, cooking!). but i missed you alot.

oh yes, i haven't introduced bavani. she's a really cute little package, methinks. we had to look for her and leonard on a mountain (ok, hill) at night because they got lost. i suspect she was going ooh and aaah looking at stars or something and he must have been fidgeting with his camera and when they got back to reality, found the whole group vanished into thin air. it was quite a walk that one. we joined the tramping club for this trek and because bavani, dias, winnie (my flatmate) and i reached late, they had started without us and we spent the whole uphill portion totally breathless and wanting to die trying to catch up with them. i seriously wanted to let myself go and roll down the hill. when we reached the part with no lights however, it was really amazing. i could see soooooo many stars! and then, dias would turn to us once in a while and his head light would totally blind me. dias is real up-to-date with all these gadgets. he's the man when it comes to these things. the trek down was a surprise! muddy, steep...i slipped once even. this was the part where we found those 2 missing! and everyone had gone ahead, even the tramping club members! long story short, they were found and we're all safe now. i felt bad for asking winnie to come, after all that chaos and the tiredness and craziness of it all. furthermore, it was a really last-minute thing. but she actually enjoyed herself thank god! and i actually enjoyed myself too, in some weird way. it was a really new and different experience. washing our shoes after that was a whole other challenge.


so bavani, i knew i liked her the moment i met her and even more so, when i went over to her house (she lives near me, in toroa, woohoo!) the first time to finish up her chicken curry leftovers! since then, i've been a regular at helping them to clear their plates!

so this was us fending off the paparazzi (whom we kinda imposed on to hound us for these shots).


well, this is pretty much what i've been up to in pictures. other than that, been up to alot of other things as well. meeting people, going for mass (the church is nearby, yay! it's called holy name), getting introduced to yummy hot chocolate, eating lotsa sushi, buying $1 books at a booksale in an old theatre, shopping, chilling out at friends' places, planning trips, getting a car, cooking, cleaning, grocery-shopping, playing guitar, composing some songs, jamming with some people randomly, potlucks, being quiet, spending too many hours on the computer, reading, laughing, crying, stoning, sighing, so on and so forth. oh yes, and of course, studying and finishing assignments as well. for real! but i'll talk more about all this in that post about my life in dunedin. i've kinda been on this post for HOURS! i'm done now and can't really end with anything philosophical or life-changing or sappy.

i miss you alot though. it's harder this time, but i'm holding firm. i love you.

p.s. please keep melt's late grandma in your prayers. melt, if you read this, hang in there! i love you! god bless. (hug)
p.s.2. happy (belated) national day! i couldn't watch the live telecast here. hate it that i'm missing fireworks!
p.s.3. at times when i fail to blog, you can always refer to shanny's or eugene's blogs (refer to sidebar) for updates. shanny's more frequent at updating though. good on ya, mate!
p.s.4. these p.s.'s remind me of something familiar. hope you're fine.

i just wanted to say...

ever since i came to new zealand, i've been continually surprised by a certain realisation...loneliness doesn't seem to touch me here. and another funny thought has been rolling around in my mind, bittersweet, sharp and mild, like a super-cola sweet in the warm coccoon of my mouth...only two things make me cry here, onions and.

and then yesterday, i had forgotten to change my sim card to my new zealand one the whole day (maybe i forgot on purpose cos i was waiting for. (punctuation intended, explanation perceived as necessary for my greek blogging) (does this not look almost like a maths equation/problem?)). so at 745pm, i get a call and in 10 minutes, i was all dressed up and ready to go watch harry potter. tickets were booked for me since morning, i had no idea. they were trying to contact me the whole day day, i had no idea. i was feeling totally sick the whole day, and i predicted a night of lying in bed or staring at my laptop (waiting some more, thank god it was not so). next thing i know, i was whisked away in a little car to watch a glasses-wielding young wizard try yet again to defeat he-who-must-not-be-named, followed by late night supermarket shopping (hey, there was a car and i know a good opportunity when i see one). and i was thinking to myself, how life can change with just one phonecall (don't some of us just know this too well). or the change of a sim card. and i cut my connection with one whole part of my life. and begin one (sometimes, again) with another.

when the skies here are blue, they are very blue. and at night, when the sky is clear, i see more stars than i've seen anywhere else in the world (though the kiwis don't seem to see what's the big deal as they say i ain't seen nothing yet). and it just blows my mind, that something so limitless can exist. again and again, it just blows my mind.

we were driving along the outskirts of christchurch, rolling hills, blue blue lakes, snow-covered mountains, and at times i wondered, why wasn't my heart beating so fast? it usually would. and i realised, it's cos it all seemed too easy. me being there. it was just too easy. how could i just...be there...like that? by accident (there was no accident! i feel like this whole post is filled with unintended puns!)...unplanned...in a little blue car...hour after hour, how could there be more and more?? it just seems so unreal sometimes. all this. how can there be a new gorgeous place to see weekend after weekend? insane!

and providence. from the moment i left singapore. each step of my way, each day, each meal, each..everything, it's pretty hard to explain. and it's probably the reason why i'm pretty cool about everything, no worries. i know, i mean, i really just KNOW, that god's hand is upon me. i know his angels are doing a real kickass job. oh you won't believe! and i know that there are many people who love me and are praying for me everyday. and like all those other times when i've gone for mass in foreign countries, it's no different here. i love it! it really makes me appreciate the eucharist more and it really becomes the highlight of my sunday. there's just me anyway. i tried to ask certain catholics i had met here whether they would like to go for mass with me on sundays, but it appears that catholics don't go to church anymore! haha. and of all people, my hindu flatmate, whom i hadn't even asked, said she would accompany me some sundays because she finds it very peaceful just being there.

over here, i love to ask questions. i love to contribute in class. i make more effort to do readings and catch up on work and study a little harder. i don't know why. the strangest thing is there's no class participation point system here. and the stranger thing is, in SMU, when there's one, i just find it such an ABHORRING CHORE to participate. class participation points. yuck. i guess it's got something to do with intrinsic and extrinsic motivations and rewards. that theory about being more intrinsically motivated to achieve something or fulfil a task when the external gains are few, if any, and the higher the external gains/rewards, the lower the intrinsic motivation for the task or whatever, it's just extrinsic.

this post should have been a long one, full of pictures. i've been here almost a month. i've been away from home for almost a month! i feel like i've been here forever. sometimes, the past starts to feel like a dream. i remember things, i remember people, i remember reno's head on my lap, i remember waking up on my bed in the morning and opening my eyes to the blue sky and the purple walls, i remember walking on the field to the busstop under the hot afternoon sun, i remember driving the car around at nights, i remember alot of things, random things, sentimental things, bizarre things. but they're just memories, there are holes in them, blurs in some corners. guess because everything around me is so unfamiliar and foreign, and somehow, not. and i find i don't wonder about tomorrow. i don't know what tomorrow will bring and it doesn't seem to matter. i deal with tomorrows as they come. my mind is filled with less thoughts, consuming thoughts, thoughts consuming thoughts. and my head and heart seem to be where my feet is. there's a certain kind of peace that comes with that. until the part when i think about. then i blink my eyes and walk on. that's the part i don't know how to deal with. maybe sometimes i purposely think about it, i purposely remember it, i purposely get sad and all emo about it, so that i'd know it's worth coming back to again some day. i really don't know.

does it sound like i've gone cold or bonkers, like the winter here? far from it really. by the way, the last 2 days have been pretty pleasant. 15 degrees celsius. it's like all of a sudden, spring/summer invaded and the board shorts, tank-tops and slippers all suddenly appeared. i'm not kidding.

but don't worry. i will do it eventually. that long post. and oh, what a long post it will be!!! and it'll probably take me a few days..insane!!! just can't promise when. i'm pretty random like that. i like it like that. but i do know i've got lots to say, when have i ever not?

ever watched "crash"? sometimes i feel so afraid i'll turn into sandra bullock's character. angry, paranoid and unhappy for the longest time. we look at her and think, nar, we'll never be that anal. but you know what? it doesn't seem so impossible, at least for myself.

i didn't sleep much last night. i keep thinking and thinking. but this isn't really something new. everytime i'm about to leave the country, i get like this. i start thinking about goodbyes, all sorts of goodbyes. death, especially. i start thinking about all the relationships i have in life. i start thinking about things i should and want to do. have i flown a kite yet? have i eaten ba chor mee at 85 yet? have i had the conversations i've really wanted to have with certain people? did i make my peace with everyone? did i let them all know just how much i love them?

but late last night as i lay in bed, i felt disappointed and scared. i felt that my last days here would be bitter and rushed. i felt that i hadn't made my peace with some people. i felt that i had forgotten to love some people. i felt that i still hadn't been loved the way i want to be. i felt that i had failed to "get" some people and failed to be "gotten" by others. and i just cried helplessly into my pillow as though i were grieving for something.

time's running out for me here. i know it's not like i'm dying. but we can never be too sure about that. and being away from almost everyone you've ever known and loved, you just can't take chances here. that's why the moment between life and death is so intense. everything becomes brighter and bigger and i guess a sense of isolation also kicks in because the people around you can't understand that.

don't get me wrong. i love travelling. it made up most of my dreams when i was younger and still does. but there's a tricky part to travelling. two, actually. the goodbyes. and then, the hellos. (how do you start over? just.like.that.)

romance, friendships, break-ups, births, deaths, going away, coming home, life before death, life after death. you gotta admit, there's some travelling involved there. some hellos, some goodbyes. and the heart will undergo some extremities. intense pain, the aches seem almost unbearable. intense joy, as though you would just burst any second.

i just needed to say this, to who i don't know. we're all bursting with things we're dying to say, we all just want to be gotten. but there's lots to be thankful for too. and god forbid i ever forget to be grateful! i'm sad, but i'm also really alot of other things. so stay tuned for the next post...

i wanted to start this post with something ...whoa....you know? to capture the whole day and all these feelings in my heart. but well, this is it i guess. haha.

see, i wanted to find a word that rhymes with blues to replace blues in "monday blues" but i wanted it to be a happy word. can someone think of a good alternative? i decided i'd just get straight to the post. 2 paragraphs and i'm still beginning the post. haha. okok. shut up and talk(type)!

i feel like i'm in my essence today. somehow, i feel hopeful yet again. it's been a long time since i've felt this way, alive and brimming with the joy of just being. term break is over and maybe that's a good thing though all SMU students must think i'm nuts for saying that. and today as i was going to school for my first conflict resolution class, i just knew, like really knew in my heart, that everything was going to be alright...no matter what. more importantly, i simply knew i was on the road to joy. funny i was thinking that because jack johnson's rainbow from the thicker than water album happened to be playing on my player.

Well I woke up this mornin',
Rainbows filled the sky,
Yes I woke up this mornin',
Rainbows filled the sky,
And there was god,
Tellin me,
"Everything.. Everythings gonna be alright"

i had been telling myself for some time now that i had to snap out of this sadness. the only reason i didn't was because i was too stuck in my ways. in my reply to janice's comment in the last post, i mentioned a bit about how sadness had become addictive. psycho alert! but really, do you ever indulge in misery? do you like to stay in a sad mood longer than you know you should? if you are no stranger to this blog and to me, you are probably no stranger to my blackhole theories. when you are in blackhole, you are sucked into an illusion which seems to create the reality you live in. and everything that enters your sphere of being gets sucked into it as well. you really believe you are weak, powerless, unworthy, unlovable and whatever else you are creative enough to imagine. seriously, there is no truth in these words you tell yourself when you are in such a place, but you believe with all your heart as if it's THE truth. and believe you me, i am one rather creative piece of creation.

why was i so happy today? do you know what it feels like to see things AS THEY ARE? world, this may be no big deal to you but to me, it is mind-blowing. i took the double-decker 147 home today and did something i haven't done in a long time. as i reached the upper deck, one of my blog posts about how i sat right in front of the upper deck of a double-decker one day came to mind and no prizes for guessing where i ended up. as i sat there, i just looked and looked and looked! there was so much to see! and i realised that for once, i was looking without all these things caught in my mind. it was such a pleasure to look really. i looked at the buildings, i looked at the cars, i looked at the drivers, i looked at passengers sitting on upper decks in other double-decker buses, i looked at a man starting up his motorcycle and putting on his helmet, i looked at the huge advertisements on sides of buildings, i looked at the skinny old man cycling his bike across a busy road as though he was the king of it, oblivious to the fact that all the cars were turning onto that road, i looked at the drains, i looked at the grey skies, i looked at the branches of trees and marvelled how they were literally reaching up to the sun, i looked at the old man in his wheelchair sitting at the lobby of the hospital with his caretaker staring blankly at traffic on the road and wondered what was going through his mind, i looked at the windows and doors of flats and wondered who live behind them, i looked and looked and looked and i never felt so happy just simply...looking! everything seemed clearer, more alive, brighter, more hopeful....or maybe it was just me. being in blackholes makes the world so small and dark and you can't really see what is outside. being inside so long makes this experience today feel so new and awe-inspiring, as though i've just been let out of prison, as though my eyes are adjusting to the brightness of the sun after being cooped up in a dark room for so long.

i had to take a picture, you know me. so there i am sitting right infront of the bus with my camera poised to take a picture of some road with trees lining it and it makes me laugh inside thinking what the other passengers must have thought of this.

(looking at this sight just filled me with an inexplicable feeling of something like hope)

upon reaching home, i could not help but recognise that familiar bounce in my step and i could not help but smile. ever smiled for no reason? cuckoo! well, in the words of sheryl crow, if it makes you happy, it can't be that baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad.....

and just now, mervin and i were going to the minor seminary adoration room for a while to pray. on the way, we stopped at hougang mrt for mervin to top up his card or something and we had to pass by the fair again! i've been dying to go on the ferris wheel, perhaps cos i miss how often we used to go on the rides at moreys piers. but we ended up on the challenger instead!!! haha, it was pretty fun. scary but not that scary. i still decided to scream just for the sake of it and made sure i kept my eyes open throughout, if not, what's the point right?? then i bought some boiled peanuts from the HUUUUUUUUUGE pasar malam (night market) and while waiting for mervin to draw money at the atm, my itchy fingers reached for a $1 coin in my pocket and i put it into the slot machine and turned the knob and bought myself a CLAPBALL. i had no idea what in the world that was and i just needed to know. and my gosh! clap it did!! hahaha. what you do is that you just throw it on the ground and this small little thing makes one helluva noise!! boy was i thrilled! and finally, like two small kids (though mervin says i should say one but whatever!), we headed to the ado. it was a cool experience. i was sitting there reading the gospel of luke and imagining jesus saying those words and doing all those things he did and when i looked up, he was also there in the eucharist right infront of me. 2000 years later, and he's still there, here, even in this little dot of an island in between some hdb blocks, still speaking to me, still working miracles, still forgiving, still healing, still loving...

later on, we took a short walk to punggol park next door so that we could enjoy the boiled peanuts under the clear, starry sky and when we looked up, we saw that a moon corona had formed again, only this time, the ring around it was red, unlike the rainbow one we saw the last time. and it was funny because then it started to look like a pair of lips with a piece of mentos in between and then, it morphed into a monkey's head with a pair of really thick red lips and the mentos still between them. i tried to take a photo but the phone camera wasn't good enough so too bad. as we walked back to the car, we paused a while to look at the reflection of the lights from the hdb blocks nearby in the pond/lake/whatever because for some reason, it just looked beautiful today. here's a picture...

while walking back to the car, we saw this cat lazing on the hood of someone's car and found it pretty funny. the cat just continued posing for this shot (i took pretty long to take it cos it was so dark)...cats...pfft!

and finally, we called it a day. on the way back, we stopped by 7-11 so that he could buy bread and my mocha. and now, i'm back home typing this post so that i won't forget this day. and can i just add a picture of cute little sarah-ann smiling because it would be a crime to not do so? (that's her mommy carrying her and she happens to be my godmama as well.)
and you know during lent, how we decide we want to give up a particular something? i decided what i want to give up (yes i know lent has aready started). i want to give up this bad addiction of mine, this addiction to misery. i don't care anymore why or how i got this way. i just know it's not working and it sure has a way of disconnecting me from god from community from life from love. it is totally disempowering, not just for me but for those around me as well. lent is supposed to be solemn right? for me, it will be a period of joy, of new life and transformation. and when it is over, my old wine skin will be made new to hold the new wine of christ and i will be a new being. i am giving up being sad. (yay!) and i have an action plan for it too. the most important part of this plan...prayer! if there's one thing i've learnt throughout this time of being in this dessert, it probably has got to be something to do with faith. i can't tell you i'm totally enlightened and i know all the answers now, but i can tell you that faith really does move mountains and creates paths where none appear to exist. i knew, yesterday, that i desired to be happy. i didn't know how. but i prayed and i just knew that no matter how tall this request seemed, he would grant me it. and today when i woke up, i didn't have to check whether i had it. i already knew it the moment i prayed.

if the past few weeks, this dessert and the gospel of luke lectures have taught me anything, it is this: lord, i'm not worthy to receive you, but only say the word and i shall be healed.

it's so wonderful to be able to google your own blog!

those close enough to me will know that i have been pretty down and out for quite some time now, such that being sad has become a weekly routine. as usual, i always ask why. as usual, i always analyse and turn into my own psychologist. well, i think i'm better as a story-teller than as a psychologist because i am able to come up with millions of theories that all fit the state i am. the problem is, i don't know which one is the right one. and so now i think, perhaps the question shouldn't be "why" anymore. and perhaps, it shouldn't be me answering it anymore. what's funny is that though i feel i've changed these days, straying farther away from the bubble of joy i believed i used to be for a while, these emotions i experience now and the way i experience them feel so....familiar. as though it's the most normal thing in the world, as though i'm a pro at this, as though i've always been like this!

i was bored and started to google certain words in my blog just now. fireworks, raymond (are you honoured?? i figured there would be some funny entries) and a few others words. and all these entries brought a smile to my face. how happy i sounded then, how unjaded and excited, how light, and sometimes even wise. i wondered whether i would be able to write such entries now and remembered the words a friend had typed in a mail to me, telling me that day by day, it seemed as though i was changing, leaving the little shireen behind. so then, i decided to google the word "sad", knowing i must have used that word in many entries before, considering how sadness seemed to feel like my companion recently. and the results were amazing!

i felt i had found a friend. a friend who totally understood what i was going through and what i was feeling, a friend who understood the loneliness and silence that has been plaguing me for so often now, a friend who had fallen deep into blackholes and crawled out of it. for those who are confused, i'm talking about this girl (especially towards the bottom). yes, i was right. this is not the first time and perhaps it is not that i have changed, i have just stayed in this place longer than i should. reasons and triggers may have changed but what i am going through is nothing new. i've just been telling the same story of this experience in different words and different ways and all it's done is confused me terribly, i've fallen into a mess.

isn't it amazing? google helped me to find myself! haha. ha.

i'm not done yet. there is one more thing. I HAVE FORGOTTEN TO PRAY. and i think this is the most important part. i'm not talking about forgetting to pray for good things and to be happy. that is really more like asking. i'm talking about how i've disconnected myself from god so much, no different from how i've disconnected myself from so many people in my life at this moment. and i'm not just talking about plain talking. i'm talking about how the reception has become like static noise on the radio when the connection is poor, cluttered and almost totally out of the required frequency. i'm talking about how bit by bit, day by day, i've been tuning out.

i think i've rolled in the mud long enough for now.

don't laugh. i mean it. according to yesterday's post, i should be in dubai by now, probably. so can someone tell me why i'm sitting on my bed at home in our not-very-sunny-nowadays island of singapore???

ok i'll tell you.

yesterday morning, i woke up and glanced at my handphone to read an sms from mervin asking what the transport plans to the airport at night were gonna be like. so i called up my mom..

me: mom, how are we going tonight?
mama: where are we going tonight?
me: what do you mean "where are we going tonight"?? aren't we flying off later??
mama: no lar, tomorrow night lar!
me: what! no 21st 1am right??
mama: ok now you're making me worried. go check the tickets...

little miss not-so-smarty pants shireen got the wrong date. but let me give you a prelude. yesterday morning, when i woke up, the first thing i did as i always do was to look at the clock on the wall. and it showed 1240!! i was extremely puzzled because i couldn't figure how i could've slept that long and was trying to figure out whether i had woken up in between to go back to sleep. worse, i was panicking because i really really believed i was leaving that night and there was tons to do now. that's when i checked my phone to read my smses and saw something else that puzzled me even further. my phone clock showed 930am! it took me a while to try to figure out which timezone i was currently in and was relieved that it really was 930am. it's like time had turned back 3 hours for me.

and so, when i found out that we were really leaving the next day (which is tonight as i type this), i was even more relieved. it's like a doctor telling you today is your last day to live and then you are given another day more to live! haha. i was immediately reminded of veronika in veronika decides to die. the doctor told her she was going to die (when she was perfectly ok) and even gave her a timeframe. such that each day after she passed that timeframe, she couldn't believe she was still alive and lived and rejoiced as though she was going to die the next day. and funny that i just blogged what i did last night as well. and here i was now, with all the time in the world (ok just one more day) to do all my "last things" without the panicky "last things" feeling.

i got to visit uncle ishu, get my pedicure and hair treatment, go for mass, have a nice dinner and evening with mervin (especially after my foul mood last night)...

i even had time to go see jeremy and joyce off at the airport.


i didn't have a chance to see them before that. and they're gonna be away for soooooo long!!! so, seriously, thank god for the extra day!

you'd think that at 1130pm, time would no longer play mid-december-fool jokes on me. but noooooooooo, you are sooooooooo wrong. so there i was with mervin, just talking and enjoying the seabreeze, and i remember glancing at my watch and realising it was only 1130pm. ok, i thought. quite a while passed and decided it was time to look at the watch again. mervin said something about it coming close to 1210am. i was kinda puzzled again because my watch read 1130. i didn't know what to make of it. i mean, how many times in a day??? what were You trying to tell me??

i guess Time was your gift to me yesterday. i mean, it's your gift to me everyday, but even more so yesterday. and i remember, yesterday, as i was hailing a cab by the side of the road, the thought crossed my mind that it was really so easy for me to throw my days away procrastinating. and i was thinking, if god had given me one more day to live, it would really be so easy for me to give up when something takes too much effort and then make up a really solid excuse for it. and seriously, what a sad waste that would be.

and it's funny i say "if god had given me one more day to live". because, what am i thinking?? everyday i wake up, god IS giving me one more day to live. so what am i doing with my life??

head knowledge. head knowledge. i need all this to singe my heart.