i believe that some things we receive in life are truly graces from God. i believe that there's a fine line between letting go and giving up. i'm glad i let go but did not give up. i believe that below all our coping stances, emotions, yearnings and desires lies not original sin, but original goodness. i believe that we are enveloped by an immense love which no words can describe or do justice to, and which many things in this world blind us from seeing or feeling. i believe that we are all yearning, whether we realise it or not. yearning for God to fill that God-shaped hole in all our hearts which only God can fill. but we don't know that and fill it up with other things, which shut that yearning voice up, temporarily. before long, we start searching again. is that why we're never really contented?

i've been thinking....

oh yea, merry christmas, a day too late. ;)

To noone in particular, and everyone concerned (huh?) :

I don't understand why you do the things you do.
but i'm trying to.
because i don't want to hate you.

i want to understand and move on.

but i guess not all of life's questions can be answered in a single moment. some questions are answered throughout the whole course of life's journey itself. others, at the final second. some, maybe not even in this life. but i believe they'll all be answered one day. for a question to exist, there must most probably be an answer already. patience.

i believe that one must have compassion to love. if i didn't try to understand why you do the things you do, and accept the fact that you're human and weak, and embrace it, i would have hated you long ago. i realise trying to change you was a mistake. it is not my role to play. i still don't understand you much. but i understand you're human and weak; frail. we all are. and so i love you inspite of that, and maybe, because of that.

all my entries from now on are really long overdue.

lets see. we had our prom on monday. honestly, the moment i walked through the doors of ritz carlton, i wanted to turn around and run back out again. everyone was clad in their finest, flashes were going off here and there, and the whole scene just seemed to unnerve me. probably also because i couldn't seem to find a familiar face through all the make-up, dyed hair and glitter. but the rest of the evening proved to be a rather enjoyable one. yes, everyone was simply obsessed with taking snapshots together with their friends. i guess i was too. but at times, i was just contented sitting at the empty table where almost 80 times 10 buckeroos worth of food was being laid with noone to finish it up. haha. by the end of that evening though, my jaws were aching like mad. funny and stupid thing is, i look the same in every photo anyway. smiling the same way, posing the same way...haha..whatever it was, i'm glad i came for prom, even if some might beg to differ. and post-prom was just as fine too. =)

anyway, at this moment, i'm rather busy sorting out university applications. i really do want to fly away from here. not because i hate this place, but because i'm seeking change. i need a kick. and i need money too. sponsors, anyone? anyway, i procrastinated for God knows how long and i started getting desperate because only up till recently, i hadn't done a single thing for my future education. then all along, comes this old-time friend of mine who offers to help me...start from scratch. i don't know what i'd have done without you, phaemie. so now, i'll have to rush my applications like mad! and i still need to see my teachers for recommendations! oh boy! pray for me!!

and well, life suddenly seems brighter and filled with renewed hope. and sometimes, the most incredible things which we least expect to happen actually do. it seems that they only happen at the moment we finally choose to let go. when we finally choose to stop worrying about them. through the recent events that have occured in the past few days, i can genuinely vouch for that. when life takes away something from you and you feel that all is lost and you can't go on, just remember that something better is always about to come your way. it just takes a little faith. God takes things away only to replace them with something better. some may liken Him to a cruel witch who gives a child a sweet at one moment and takes it away from him the next. but hey, if we don't spit that pathetic little sweet out of our mouths, how are we gonna make room for the delicious chocolate cake? and if we don't get rid of that either, how are we gonna make space for that yummy ben & jerry's chocolate fudge brownie ice-cream? huh? huh?

well, as cliched as this may sound, i truly believe that there is a source behind all things, most of them invisible to the human eye but visible to the heart. and that source is love. and only good can come out of it. and it's this belief that allows my heart to keep on smiling even in the midst of all the pain that this life brings. am i just kidding myself? am i just consoling myself with such delirious delusions? whether i am or not, i choose to hold on to it anyway. what's the point of sulking? since we're already here anyway.

konichiwa.

i just returned from the land of the tamagotchi last thursday night.

japan is one helluva interestin place. there's so much to say i don't know where to start. lets see. people there speak japanese without any punctuations whatsoever. it's like a whole string of multiple-syllabled words with no pauses in between it leaves me, the listener, gasping for breath instead. and yes, the girls really do sound that cute. and look that cute too with their two ponytails and bangs and little eyes.

my gosh. almost everyone you come across in the streets is decked in branded goods. japanese lasses go to theme parks like universal studios and disneyland in burberry skirts and stiletto boots which reach up to their knees. and if your hair isn't died, you're considered to be a countryside folk. serious. and it's considered rude for girls not to wear lipstick and dress up when they step out of their houses, even when it's just to get a can of coke from a nearby drink machine. ahuh.

in fact they're so crazy over branded goods that when LV first opened or held a sale(can't recall which), women were queing up with their stools 3 days or so before. just sitting outside there on their stools while their hubbies brought them their lunches and dinners. ah yes, japanese seem to love queues. in fact the longer they queue, the longer it'll get. cos it must be that good right?

at the theme parks, queues stretched like there was no tomorrow. it was a culture shock man. in singapore, i can't imagine pple queuing up so patiently. ah yes, the japanese form a rather gracious society. it was so clean everywhere i went. when someone drops a piece of litter on the floor, he or she'd pick it up. if there's a lack of dustbins around, they'd simply put the trash in their pockets and throw it away later. even if they spilled a drink onto the ground, they'd whip out their tissue paper and wipe it up. yes, i witnessed it. and when we were watching the parade at disneyland, all those at the front would sit down on the ground without being told to do so, just so those at the back had a proper view.

but oh my. everything in japan is so friggin expensive. if i were to stay there any longer, i would've turned into a pauper soon enough. a bowl of plain rice cost almost S$4. can u beat that? for a family of 5 dining at MACS, the damage can reach up to S$60!! if you can afford to take the taxi there, you're a king or queen. it starts of with S$10. so u can imagine the rest! next time any of you wanna start a gp essay with "as standards of living in singapore are getting higher and higher...", just think about japan and shut up. pple there just spend and spend on the craziest things! in singapore, a table at a wedding reception probably costs say $500 or so. it'ss $500 a head there! just too many examples of why i'd be scrounging for your lose change if i were to live there. no wonder why the japanese go crazy when they go shopping in singapore. when i exitted the gate after our plane touched down in singapore, there were already japanese ladies rushing into a bally store at duty free.and i used to wonder who'd go to all these overly-priced stores.

one of the nights, my tour guide brought us to this really good japanese steamboat restaurant in shinjuku in tokyo. however, this restauant happened to be situated near a red-light district. my family finished dinner quite early so we decided to walk around and explore. we saw a building with the letters "HMB" lighted up and it looked exactly like the trademark "HMV" purple logo. so we walked closer to take a well..closer look. "HOT MEN BOX." hahaha.

there's this place in shinjuku where hopeful musicians go to strut their stuff and hopfully get talent-scouted by some big-shot producer. but instead of a big-shot producer, who should come along but the hottest babe ever clad in strips of cloth and stilletto boots and long flowing hair and perfectly flawless skin and a tattoo on her back. "She" starts flirting with the bunch of young musicians and then, struts down the street with the perfect swaying of hips alas, putting a catwalk model to shame.

japanese love to paste instuctions all over their shops. there was this McDonalds which we walked into which had a sign. "You are not allowed to come in just to use the toilet." i found that rather funny. there was also this tourist shop which had more instructions than souvenirs if you ask me. guess that's why everything seems so orderly there.

food there was great. i ate soooo much!! there was one night we went to a hot springs hotel and had a typical japanese dinner. we even had to dress up wearing our japanese "happy coats." it was my first taste of sake. potent stuff man. i drank the whole bottle. since you know, everything in japan is expensive and it would be a waste not to finish it. whoa. i puked my whole stomach and more out man!

ok i have so much more to type but...there's just too much and this is getting too long! so if you wanna know more, come ask me. japan in the eyes of a singaporean 18-yr-old girl.

ah freeeedom.....how sweeeeet the sound.

u know, it's so easy to create for ourselves a false sense of liberation. haha. like the man who chose not to drink in days, when the first drop of water brushed against his parched throat, how heavenly it felt. now we chose to sit for these As. yes, we did have a choice. (and consequences, haha.) weeks of condemnation to the books and the ten-year-series. no wonder i couldn't stop grinning and laughing like a crazy idiot the moment our freedom was declared!!

but alas, there are new things to worry about. things which i have lazily chose to postpone. sloth is a deadly sin.

i'm talking about the future. ok, i don't know which uni i want to go to. much less, which course i'm heading for. also, what job should i apply for? should i throw away all my notes? (don't throw away! or burn your notes and books! recycle, people!!) what if i wanna rip poor parents off their hard-earned cash and tutor their children? aaah, such difficult decisions i have to make. YAR RIGHT! but, it is difficult. it's not the first time i'm rambling on about this. it's just this stupid "grass-is-greener-on-the-other-side syndrome." it's probably just the fear of possibly having to face regret.

i really admire all those people who've had a childhood ambition since they were 2, and who lived their lives towards that dream and actually achieved it. maybe, i'm even a little envious too. but good on you people. what's my direction in life? what's my desire? what's my dream?

ok, let's talk about the immediate future. i'm leaving for japan tomorrow and i haven't packed yet!!! it's too stressful! haha.

i just, you know, don't wanna do anything. yuck. i'm disgusting.

it's the last one!!! i can't take it anymore!! few more hours shireen! press on!! stop thinking about what to do after the paper! satori!! focus on the here and now!!! aaaargh!!!!!!!!!!!

i love my tv!!!

i can just sit at home the whole day, letting my bum grow bigger, watching the magical box infront of me churn out mysterious holiday destinations, mesmerizing stories about other people's lives, silly, childish cartoons with profound philosophies(watch spongebob), music videos with half-naked ladies and gentle-fellas prancing around, shaking their bon bons. haha. aaaaah, tv is great. it's an excellent form of education and escapism. and it can also be the root of the downfall of my physics papers this week. i watched more tv than books the whole day!!

did i ever tell you how awesomely coooool ian wright is? lonely planet/globe trekker dude.

wowee they're playing coldplay's clocks on radio now. nowadays, whenever i hear a really nice song on radio, it feels like it's my day! like it's so rare to hear a nice song on radio. and sometimes, i purposely leave the radio on and put up with all the other trashy songs in the hope that they'll play the song i'm waiting for. of course, i could just turn on the com and play the mp3. but when it's played on radio, it's different. cos you're playing with chance.

oh yes, selamat hari raya to all my muslim friends!!! i'm quite amazed by all you who are so disciplined in fasting. i remember when i was in netball, our trainings were killer! and in the cruel harsh morning sun, every water break was NIRVANA. and while we were gulping down our ice cold water from our tumblers, the muslim girls would remain unfazed and resistant to temptation. they trained with us anyway. while fasting. takes real self-discipline and strength.

i wanna do so many things on thursday after the last paper, i don't know where to start. knowing me, i probably might end up not making any plans in the end! haha. whatever it is, i'm definitely going to get myself some real good books to read and hit the music stores and get tuna sushi. i probably won't go partying like a crazy animal. i just feel like bumming... properly. proper stress-free bummin!

a pretty interesting quote from a pretty old book:
"a cheerful person with a good attitude will have a good appetite and enjoy his food!" -sirach 30:25

aaaaah....this is awesome. haha.

well, see, my com crashed recently. thanks to a beloved sibling. but hey, i'm bumming on my bed now, enjoying the laptop experience. first time ever, in the comfort of my own room, on my own bed....haha feels great. i'm lovin' it! maybe they should use me for one of those macs adverts they line the trays with haha. swaku, what to do?

"i am sam" is brilliant. never fail to cry everytime i watch it. (it's quite embarrassing when you're watching a movie alone on tv and ur younger brother walks in and finds you sniffling. it is!) i love everything about it. the story, the characters, the script, the music, the colours, the cinematography...aaah, such a beautiful story. won't be too long before i watch it again.

wide awake now cos i spent a major part of saturday sleeping, what with a blasting headache which refused to go away for a rather long time. well, it's gone now. but i fear. if i don't sleep soon, i'll spend a major part of today like yesterday...really, i should try to study when i have some free time. haha. =p

2 more papers!!! then total freedom! well, not totally. but aaaah, i can't wait. on friday, i was supposed to be studying in the morning for the afternoon physics papers but daydreams took over. what i'd be doing after the As....well, i daydreamed so much i was almost panicking while walking into the exam hall cos i hadn't finished studying all that i was supposed to. but it wasn't so bad in the end haha.

sometimes i wish i could switch off my mind. thinking and thinking and thinking. getting nowhere but down, down, down. stop thinking, mind!!!

sometimes, i look back at the things i've done, what i've achieved, songs i've composed or stories i've written. then i think to myself, how did i ever manage to do all those things? i tell myself i can't possibly do the same now. but that's what i told myself then. so sometimes, maybe it really is divine intervention. god planting his seeds in us. and we never really see the full glory and beauty of it until it's really over. but many a times, we choose to give up halfway, cos we lose sight so easily. it's such a waste. it's so sad. hopefully, i'll be able to see the big picture one day, after all this is over, and be able to smile and be thankful that i was granted the strength and grace not to give up, no matter how many times i've been tempted to.

i seem to have alot of things to say now. but it's all probably just gonna turn out like mindless ramblings i.e. the above.
thanks ruoxi and my annonymous friend for the shoutouts. have a lovely week ahead, you!

things are just the way they are. and we choose to see them the way we choose to see them. the world was bleak and pointless to me, yesterday, and maybe the former half of today. now, the world still seems pointless. BUT, it now seems filled with renewed hope. nope, nothing's actually changed. the situations are the way they have been. but my mindset has changed. and that's really all that matters.

i'm looking forward to the rest of the day and the life to come. i know i won't always be adopting such an attitude. and one upset would probably be enough to make me change my mind. but hey, can anyone or anything really MAKE us do anything? seriously, no. i sure hope i remember that.

Life is a state of mind.

isn't the sight of an abandoned blog such a sad one?

words are racing through my mind, sporadically. but none seem to stop for breath. so i'm just leaving sympathy words here for a decomposing blog, almost forgotten and covered in dust as life passes it by.

have you ever tried to cry just so that you'd know there was still something alive in you? just so you'd know that some things still touch your heart in the deepest crevices? to bleed just to know you're alive?

it's funny. things SEEM to tug at my heart's strings easily these days. but the tears just crystallise before they can ever come out. and i wonder whether i've grown cold. whether in psycho-ing myself into thinking i've become stronger, i've only just become frozen. it's scary. i don't want to be that way. it seems that if we can't feel anymore, we've more or less died. that's when everything seems empty. that's when the maggots in our minds devour us.

is it the exams that taint my vision with a tint of blue? why does everything....seem so sad? why does my heart....feel so bad?

it's funny. the big As seem to be getting smaller the nearer they draw. everyone around me seems to be getting more and more uptight. as though they are about to enter into judgement day. they're getting all impatient and petty(over the smallest things) and jumpy and SUPER KANCHIONG. ok. it's not everyone. just a few. but i study with them often. and the more stressed they seem to be getting, the more relaxed i am finding myself to be.

i guess it's because i don't think it's all that big and scary a monster as i made it out to be at first. i guess it's because i know my whole life doesn't depend on it, though many would argue otherwise. but i'm not saying that this gives me a right to slack. cos hey, i'm in this already. and everything we do is a total waste of time and effort if we don't give it our best, right?

it feels good not to cling. clinging is really tiring. and boring. and the anxiety and waiting just kills us slowly. letting go is so much better. at least, we get somewhere. and when we let go with faith, there is no room for worry. just enjoy the ride on the way. worry is so tiring. it's just a waste of time and effort too. it does nothing but wear us out and weigh us down. maybe that's why i'm not getting that stressed. it's just too much trouble.

and as a proffesional bum, that's just a no-no. it's like waking up at 6am when you can wake up at noon. haha. err....

it seems that the more happening life gets, the less i blog. and now as i'm blogging, i feel an obligation to. a whole episode has just passed me by. in the recent weeks.

i was happy. then i was sad. like a bubble a child blew just so he could marvel at it, but then decided to poke it before it rose too high and he couldn't reach it anymore. why can't we just let those bubbles be? but they burst anyway. because nothing is permament. it will all pass us by. knowing this and accepting it, i am able to let it all go and be happy again.

i learnt many things.

about the inconstant, rash, unpredictable and sometimes foolish human heart. as much as we can't help but fall in love with the beauty we see in others, we must always remember that. people fall. people change. people change their minds. people change their hearts. we can never fully depend on anyone. when we love, we are taking a giant leap of trust. of courage. yes, the heart is such a delicate, fragile thing. simple and yet, so complex, all at once. and understanding this, i have been able to find in my own heart, a place for forgiveness. and the strength to let go.

that there is no hurry. there is no rush. there is no room for worry. for there is a time for everything. and what we have, we should treasure and nurture. to throw it all away in one rash act, governed by desire...was it really worth it? it might have been. and it might have not. and knowing this too, i have been able to let go.

that when things are right infront of you at a particular moment, they may SEEM like the biggest things in your life. but do not be disillusioned. an illusion can be the mastermind of a really cruel game. and often is. knowing this, we must never lose sight of the things that matter most. even when we can't see it so well. or not even at all. it takes faith. and faith is more reliable than our own eyes.

that everything DOES happen for a reason. at the time it should happen. that there is a reason for all that heartbreak and distress. we should appreciate those painful moments. rising out of it, we become stronger than ever. and go through life more gracefully. sink in self-misery, self-pity, self-hate and self-everything, we fall deeper and deeper into our own black-holes. and what happens when you fall into a black hole?

i learnt that my heartbreak and distress could help me put a smile on someone else's face and make one believe that it's possible for things to actually get better. i learnt that someone else's heartbreak and distress could do the same for me. we aren't here just for ourselves.

that we can find solace in the most unexpected places. that things can turn out totally different from anything we'd ever expect. and the cool part is, they usually turn out better than we'd ever expect them to. if only we'd just try to see that and not be tied down by what WE want.

yes, i have learnt all this and much more. God works in the most mysterious ways, strange and wonderful, all at once. i'm truly amazed. and it's just awesome to be able to see magic in all things. yes, God's continuously working his miracles in all things. if only we could see.

and i learnt that at this moment, i have found myself to be hopelessly addicted to "hey ya" by outkast. anti-climax. haha. i'm sleepy!!

a long day looms ahead. and i should be in a foul mood if i've been robbed of precious minutes of sleep. later!