ok maybe i was exagerating too much yesterday. about my weaknesses. i mean, i guess, though i get upset as easily as i say i do, i guess i usually get over it all quite fast. and well, i am a rather sensitive person but i guess i do know how to control my emotions and make sure i don't really do things i 'll regret. of course, there are instances when i do. and i guess i am a moderate. some things are allowed until they're disallowed and some things are disallowed until they're allowed. i'm just a bit more paranoid than others. that's all. because to me, anything's possible. and i hate getting involved in difficult, complicated, tense situations, therefore trying my best not to do so. maybe i just shouldn't take things so seriously. but i don't really. it's just that loneliness scares the shit out of me. but there are ways to overcome it and stare it straight in the face. after all, what's better than staring at fear straight in its eyes and rising above it?
nevertheless, i still haven't changed my agenda of how i'm going to improve things in my life as i had mentioned at the end of yesterday's blog. i'm still going to try and better myself, the only person to compete against, me. but one should never be TOO hard on one's self. it doesn't do us much good. we can scold ourselves, we can blame ourselves, we can do all that, but we must never forget to love and respect ourselves as well.
so i went to the skin specialist today, for my toe nails and this funny wort growing on my sole. i got liquid nitrogen sprayed on my sole. liquid nitrogen is about minus 149 degress celsius. how cool is that. haha. and let me tell you what's cooler...4 months mc from PE!!!! wooooh! maybe i can even skip stupid PFT! hah!
but the problem is, i do like PE sometimes. i don't mind running long distance without a stupid time limit. i don't mind playing games, cos, it's fuN! but i mind mass PE. i detest it! the way they join forces and arrange you in neat, beautiful formations, and smile sadistically at you, amused by their sick sense of humour, while dishing out combinations of torture, sprinkled with commands to shout sweet and sour nothings like.."HAPPY VALENTINE!!" or "I LOVE AC" or some crap...oooh, the nerve.
tomorrow's FOUNDERS DAY. it's supposedly a self-proclaimed holiday for many. but i think i'll go. i'd like to see what it's like. though i already know it's gonna be a bore. ok, maybe i just want to go out after that. haha. ah well, beats stoning at home. too much of it can kill. though a bit of it once in a while is excellent for the soul. a little bit of just doing nothing.
ok, tired of blogging.
Friday, February 28, 2003
Wednesday, February 26, 2003
i cracked a code today. about myself. and why i get so stressed up about being happy, which is one helluva irony if you ask me. i spoke my thoughts out aloud to sheryl tay and yes, it all made sense. this is what i concluded.
i've come to realise that i'm truly a very competitive person. no, not the kind that steals your notes so you'll get a lower physics grade than me. rather, i compare alot. too much. i measure myself using others as rulers. and indeed, i let them rule my state of being. i place my sense of self-worth in the eyes of others and where i stand in their hearts. i'm not afraid of losing, but i'm afraid of being the ultimate loser. afraid of being the only one left behind. afraid of rejection.( i know i ain't the only one) afraid of being left all alone. (yes, loneliness is one of my greatest fears) in short, my joy seems to depend on others. it takes very little to make me upset. because i compare so much. and it takes very little to make me happy too. because all i need to know is that i mean something to someone.
well today, i asked one or two people this question. "to you, is something disallowed until it's allowed or allowed until it's disallowed?" and it's the former for me. which made me realise i've been deluding myself all this while. whatever mentioned above plus this. i used to think myself rather free-spirited but now, it seems quite the contrary even if i don't seem it. in fact, i allow the people around me to tie me down and i set rules and limits for myself which i tell myself i can't cross.
and this has all got to do with pride. there's this occasion that's been playing at the back of my mind ever since it happened. my dad had brought me to visit one of his good friends, a rather famous psychic. she turned to me and told me, "Pride comes before a fall". She told me that of all the things she could have told me. and i was clueless as to why. but i realise that i do contain alot of pride. maybe not the kind that runs people down. but possibly the kind that runs ME down.
my pride led me to believe i was the person who i wanted to be, but now i see who i really am. rather weak-willed and cowardly. my pride led me to want to compare and always shine in the eyes of others, and any less of it would have stirred up a storm in my heart.
maybe the psychic wasn't implying pride in this manner. i don't know. but this is the kind of pride i admit i possess. and i think that this pride blinds and hinders many of us from truly seeing who we really are. tearing down the wall of pride is indeed a must in the process of discovering one's self. if not, what's the point?
i'm not saying i've gotten rid of that pride. it might be a long time before i eventually do. i'm not saying that as of now, i'll be able find joy from within, and not with out, in the eyes and words of others. i'm not saying that i'm going be the bravest and strongest girl as of this moment on. but what i'm saying is, that i'm gonna try.
i've come to realise that i'm truly a very competitive person. no, not the kind that steals your notes so you'll get a lower physics grade than me. rather, i compare alot. too much. i measure myself using others as rulers. and indeed, i let them rule my state of being. i place my sense of self-worth in the eyes of others and where i stand in their hearts. i'm not afraid of losing, but i'm afraid of being the ultimate loser. afraid of being the only one left behind. afraid of rejection.( i know i ain't the only one) afraid of being left all alone. (yes, loneliness is one of my greatest fears) in short, my joy seems to depend on others. it takes very little to make me upset. because i compare so much. and it takes very little to make me happy too. because all i need to know is that i mean something to someone.
well today, i asked one or two people this question. "to you, is something disallowed until it's allowed or allowed until it's disallowed?" and it's the former for me. which made me realise i've been deluding myself all this while. whatever mentioned above plus this. i used to think myself rather free-spirited but now, it seems quite the contrary even if i don't seem it. in fact, i allow the people around me to tie me down and i set rules and limits for myself which i tell myself i can't cross.
and this has all got to do with pride. there's this occasion that's been playing at the back of my mind ever since it happened. my dad had brought me to visit one of his good friends, a rather famous psychic. she turned to me and told me, "Pride comes before a fall". She told me that of all the things she could have told me. and i was clueless as to why. but i realise that i do contain alot of pride. maybe not the kind that runs people down. but possibly the kind that runs ME down.
my pride led me to believe i was the person who i wanted to be, but now i see who i really am. rather weak-willed and cowardly. my pride led me to want to compare and always shine in the eyes of others, and any less of it would have stirred up a storm in my heart.
maybe the psychic wasn't implying pride in this manner. i don't know. but this is the kind of pride i admit i possess. and i think that this pride blinds and hinders many of us from truly seeing who we really are. tearing down the wall of pride is indeed a must in the process of discovering one's self. if not, what's the point?
i'm not saying i've gotten rid of that pride. it might be a long time before i eventually do. i'm not saying that as of now, i'll be able find joy from within, and not with out, in the eyes and words of others. i'm not saying that i'm going be the bravest and strongest girl as of this moment on. but what i'm saying is, that i'm gonna try.
is obsession a bad thing? is there such a thing as being obsessed about trying to be happy? is there such a thing as being obsessed about finding true joy? and is it bad to be obsessed about such things? will being obsessed about trying to be ever-so-happy make me ever-so-sad instead? obsessions. too much of a good thing is a bad thing, they say. and too much of something can destroy you, i learnt. or have i really learnt? i'm closing my mind by being so obsessed about being happy for i close it in on one thing that could make or break my happiness, contracting a sudden amnesia, forgetting the simple, most simple things in life that could actually make me beam inside.
which is why i walk around troubled today. my insecurities, my fears, my obsessions...all bringing me down and pulling me apart, this way and that. a smile plastered to my face the way red paint is smeared around the mouth of a sad clown. no, a sad clown looks sadder than most anyone when he doesn't smile.
i don't want to be a depressed freak. i don't want to be the one who says "life sucks". i don't want to feel sorry for myself. i don't want to blame anyone or anything. and i shan't. but, i must learn to get rid of this/these obsession/s first, fly them all away on a paper aeroplane into a rubbish bin, where it belongs.
oh bother.
which is why i walk around troubled today. my insecurities, my fears, my obsessions...all bringing me down and pulling me apart, this way and that. a smile plastered to my face the way red paint is smeared around the mouth of a sad clown. no, a sad clown looks sadder than most anyone when he doesn't smile.
i don't want to be a depressed freak. i don't want to be the one who says "life sucks". i don't want to feel sorry for myself. i don't want to blame anyone or anything. and i shan't. but, i must learn to get rid of this/these obsession/s first, fly them all away on a paper aeroplane into a rubbish bin, where it belongs.
oh bother.
Tuesday, February 25, 2003
bummed the day away. watched tv from dawn till dusk. well....figures don't it.
well, i was channel-surfing when i came across this movie on starmovies(i think) that was just beginning. nice bagpipe music in the beginning, the ocean and all. so, held transfixed to it by some mysterious hypnotic force, i carried on watching, hungry to find out more. it was pretty slow-moving at first. in the past, i had always caught glimpses of scenes from the show when i was channel-surfing but also switched channels anyway. this time, i stayed on...till the end. it was a beautiful show, really. very tragic. tear-jerking. you might have heard it. "Deeply".
watched too much tv today. yucks. to make up for my bum getting bigger today, i did some cycling. then i walked the doggie woggie. i think my butt didn't get any smaller. oh well.
then i watched miss congeniality for the 37th time cos it was playing on cable and i was having dinner and stupid maximum risk was playing on channel5.
too much tv!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but i think tv's really very educational if you ask me. it really is. switching channels, you go from chimpanzees in dresses to missy elliot grooving it up to sandra bullock tripping over her own heels to bush vs saddam. and i think that was just narrowing its scope. it's way bigger.
ah well. my long holiday's finally coming to a conclusion. and i won't blog much today. i usually do.
well, i was channel-surfing when i came across this movie on starmovies(i think) that was just beginning. nice bagpipe music in the beginning, the ocean and all. so, held transfixed to it by some mysterious hypnotic force, i carried on watching, hungry to find out more. it was pretty slow-moving at first. in the past, i had always caught glimpses of scenes from the show when i was channel-surfing but also switched channels anyway. this time, i stayed on...till the end. it was a beautiful show, really. very tragic. tear-jerking. you might have heard it. "Deeply".
watched too much tv today. yucks. to make up for my bum getting bigger today, i did some cycling. then i walked the doggie woggie. i think my butt didn't get any smaller. oh well.
then i watched miss congeniality for the 37th time cos it was playing on cable and i was having dinner and stupid maximum risk was playing on channel5.
too much tv!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! but i think tv's really very educational if you ask me. it really is. switching channels, you go from chimpanzees in dresses to missy elliot grooving it up to sandra bullock tripping over her own heels to bush vs saddam. and i think that was just narrowing its scope. it's way bigger.
ah well. my long holiday's finally coming to a conclusion. and i won't blog much today. i usually do.
Monday, February 24, 2003
i was cranky today. very cranky. and very sleepy. figures, don't it? slept at almost 4, only to wake up at 7 something....why i sleep at that time, is a mystery to me. i just wander the night away doing sweet nothings. i just sit there, dreaming, wondering, thinking.....in vain. as it appears at this point.
i shall have to start sleeping earlier, to make the waking and walking hours worth my while.
there's a danger with dreaming too much. too many ideals are set. and ideals are not short from perfect. and when we fall short of those ideals, or when i do, it's devastating. i try not to expect too much and i guess, it's hard to try not to, when i expect everyone to think the same way i do and be exactly like me. it's utter foolishness to think that way. set your expectations high, they say. i always set mine low. to avoid disapointments. to justify my failures and shortcomings. to give me a reason not to try. what foolishness.
now here's a good song to listen to when you're plugged into your discman, walking down the street at your own steady rhythm, as the cars zoom by, and the people push and shove and briskwalk to their next destination. the kind that makes you feel you're in the music video of bittersweet symphony or one of those. yes, whenever i'm plugged into my discman, i feel like i'm in my own music video. and even when i'm not, i still feel that way. must be the song playing in my head at that moment. ANYWAY, i'm talking about the song, tripoli by pinback. or is it tripoli ace fu. something.
and there's this other song playing now. totally full of angst. a certain kind of urgentness. which i seem to rather like. toxicity.
time's just passing too slowly. i feel that if i wait any longer, there'd be nothing to wait for any longer. but i'm too scared to do anything but wait. and waiting kills. i've come to the conclusion we spend a large part of our lives waiting for things to happen. waiting for the green man to flash, waiting for a bus, waiting for a date, waiting for exam results, waiting for the show to end, waiting for the show to start, waiting for a bone marrow donor, waiting for the commercials to flash so you can go pee, waiting for a miracle, waiting for someone else to do it first........
i guess that's why my ass is growing bigger. i just sit and wait too much. it's a mixture of pride and laziness and hope. what an odd combination.
so i reach all these conclusions about myself. what next? stop waiting! get up and get out and do something! what's stopping me? i just don't see where all this is going...and to you, i'm speaking utter rubbish. it's true. but i have my secrets to keep too.
i shall have to start sleeping earlier, to make the waking and walking hours worth my while.
there's a danger with dreaming too much. too many ideals are set. and ideals are not short from perfect. and when we fall short of those ideals, or when i do, it's devastating. i try not to expect too much and i guess, it's hard to try not to, when i expect everyone to think the same way i do and be exactly like me. it's utter foolishness to think that way. set your expectations high, they say. i always set mine low. to avoid disapointments. to justify my failures and shortcomings. to give me a reason not to try. what foolishness.
now here's a good song to listen to when you're plugged into your discman, walking down the street at your own steady rhythm, as the cars zoom by, and the people push and shove and briskwalk to their next destination. the kind that makes you feel you're in the music video of bittersweet symphony or one of those. yes, whenever i'm plugged into my discman, i feel like i'm in my own music video. and even when i'm not, i still feel that way. must be the song playing in my head at that moment. ANYWAY, i'm talking about the song, tripoli by pinback. or is it tripoli ace fu. something.
and there's this other song playing now. totally full of angst. a certain kind of urgentness. which i seem to rather like. toxicity.
time's just passing too slowly. i feel that if i wait any longer, there'd be nothing to wait for any longer. but i'm too scared to do anything but wait. and waiting kills. i've come to the conclusion we spend a large part of our lives waiting for things to happen. waiting for the green man to flash, waiting for a bus, waiting for a date, waiting for exam results, waiting for the show to end, waiting for the show to start, waiting for a bone marrow donor, waiting for the commercials to flash so you can go pee, waiting for a miracle, waiting for someone else to do it first........
i guess that's why my ass is growing bigger. i just sit and wait too much. it's a mixture of pride and laziness and hope. what an odd combination.
so i reach all these conclusions about myself. what next? stop waiting! get up and get out and do something! what's stopping me? i just don't see where all this is going...and to you, i'm speaking utter rubbish. it's true. but i have my secrets to keep too.
Sunday, February 23, 2003
had a pretty good evening just now. sheryl called me out to dinner. i was dancing and dancing while getting ready. when i looked into the mirror, i was beaming. when i left the house, i was plugged into my discman. and the oh-so-sweet music guided the rhythm of my footsteps and the sway of my hands. sheryl tay was 1/2 hr late. thank goodness i met pam at the bus-stop. and we got down to talking and sheryl came just as she left.
anyway we had vietnamese noodles. the restaurant just opened in gardens, i think. she treated me to make up for it. i treated her to ice-cream ( we tried this new flavour, chest-nuts with sweeet potato) to make up for her treating me. we walked around quite a bit and decided to drop by the malay barber(relak one korner lar brudder) to spy on my brother. he, his friend and his brother all had the same hairstyle! haha. his friend who's got the same name as the pope had this snake board with him. totally rad! although it didn't look so cool when i went on it. it's like a skateboard. only WAY COOLER! then we headed to macs, where i met another friend coincidentally. and we all had a long debate about homosexuality and religion. it's been the topic of interest for the day. i'm just not convinced about why it's a sin or why it's wrong.
i composed a short lil tune on guitar and i really like it. i really wish i could set up my own lil recording studio. it doesn't have to be for commercial purposes. people record their thoughts and emotions and moments in blogs, journals, essays, paintings, video, photos and what-not which they get gaze back upon later. i want to record my tunes so i can play them back later. it's fun. it's just like looking at yourself in the mirror and examining your one eye being bigger than the other, or that cute little nose you have ,or how queer the human face looks, or how fat or thin you are, or how lovely that dress looks on you, or how your eyes look after you've had a good cry, or how funny you look when you're fuming mad, or how silly you look when you grin your widest grin. all that.
i digress.
i want to set up my own studio with my own recording equipment and mixers and everything. i want to record all them songs, no matter how long or short, sucky or awesome they are and play them again 20 years down the road if i'm still here just as i would be gazing at my childhood photos and reading my childish letters to my parents. so i'll never forget.
anyway we had vietnamese noodles. the restaurant just opened in gardens, i think. she treated me to make up for it. i treated her to ice-cream ( we tried this new flavour, chest-nuts with sweeet potato) to make up for her treating me. we walked around quite a bit and decided to drop by the malay barber(relak one korner lar brudder) to spy on my brother. he, his friend and his brother all had the same hairstyle! haha. his friend who's got the same name as the pope had this snake board with him. totally rad! although it didn't look so cool when i went on it. it's like a skateboard. only WAY COOLER! then we headed to macs, where i met another friend coincidentally. and we all had a long debate about homosexuality and religion. it's been the topic of interest for the day. i'm just not convinced about why it's a sin or why it's wrong.
i composed a short lil tune on guitar and i really like it. i really wish i could set up my own lil recording studio. it doesn't have to be for commercial purposes. people record their thoughts and emotions and moments in blogs, journals, essays, paintings, video, photos and what-not which they get gaze back upon later. i want to record my tunes so i can play them back later. it's fun. it's just like looking at yourself in the mirror and examining your one eye being bigger than the other, or that cute little nose you have ,or how queer the human face looks, or how fat or thin you are, or how lovely that dress looks on you, or how your eyes look after you've had a good cry, or how funny you look when you're fuming mad, or how silly you look when you grin your widest grin. all that.
i digress.
i want to set up my own studio with my own recording equipment and mixers and everything. i want to record all them songs, no matter how long or short, sucky or awesome they are and play them again 20 years down the road if i'm still here just as i would be gazing at my childhood photos and reading my childish letters to my parents. so i'll never forget.
Saturday, February 22, 2003
woke up at 11.48. usually, the pattern is, i'll wake up at about 9. and go back to sleep until like 11plus, or 12. today i just slept right through. must have been really exhausted this week. but there was something different about sleeping in this morning. different from other times. i didn't feel stressed. i didn't feel angry.(usually there'd be pple shouting at me to wake up, scolding me, telling me what a slob i am, nagging me up the wall, and then, i'd wake up pissed off and with a headache) i only got one call on my hp at 11.48 telling me to wake up. but it was all good.
so i took a bath. went down and sat myself on the sofa with a packet of oreos, the newspapers and mtv playing infront of me. i was pretty much infront of the tv the whole afternoon until 3pm. i was flipping between 2 channels. discovery travel and adventure and mtv. i wrote down some unique places to visit when i get the money. i have all the time in the world, but not the money. and well, on mtv, who should be playing but U2. one of their concerts. they sound damn good live! and they are so professional. the whole place was packed. so many people. it was unbelievable. U2 seems to have this certain aura about them. i was only at home watching them perform live on tv. i wasn't even there, but i was in awe. i was inspired. their old songs, their new songs. they all sound so good. the concert was smokin! if i really was there, i don't know what i'd do. i'd probably be one of those ridiculous fainting people at michael jackson concerts, the ones you see on tv. NO WAY!
well, there are some places i want to go to. i want to go to cornwell, England. to those mysterious looking-greenhouses. that look like beehives of astronauts in space. i want to go luging at this place in new zealand. and to this farm in hawaii where there are fainting goats. fainting goats! it's like you're chasing these goats and next thing you know, they are suddenly paralysed and faint for like maybe 4 or 5 seconds. then they stand up and start running again. how queer! how i must see them!
my brother told me he learnt about them in bio. how it's because of this certain gene in them. i really wish i took bio. i really do have a keen interest in it. maybe if i had, i might still have been able to keep 4subjects. F maths! who was i kidding. haha.
anyway i also want to go up in a hot air balloon. i switched on the tv too late so i couldn't get this place. but there was this whole hot air balloon competition some place. and it was such a beautiful and rare sight, seeing so many hot air balloons in the sky at one place. then there was also this video about these really insane guys canoeing in these really insane rapids. INSANE stuff. and while they're speaking to the camera, they're licking the blood of their faces. insane. but cool.
then i was watching this big foot documentary. it was rather interesting. a couple of red indians were also interviewed. some believe that the bigfoot is real. and that there are different kinds. and that there is one with hypnotic powers. i find it hard to imagine that a big hairy creature which looks like the missing link holds hypnotic powers. wow. some people who had seen it were also interviewed. and some who had seen it had decided to go back there with a camera crew to find it. the footage looked like something out of blair witch project. spooky. yet silly. a bunch of humans looking for a scare to set their andrenaline pumping.
saw a lot of interesting stuff on tv this afternoon. who says tv's all that bad?
hey check out the home section of straits times today. the one about people protesting against the war in iraq. what a laugh. compare the pictures between the protest staged in singapore with that in sidney. A LAUGH, i tell you! 6 and 4000! hahaha.
decided to take out the electric to play after a long, long time. sounds good, still. my friends gave it to me as a present for my 14th birthday. oh, you guys! =)
it's only the afternoon and i've had alot of things to say. and i've only really been awake for about 5 hours today. someone seems quite chatty today.
so i took a bath. went down and sat myself on the sofa with a packet of oreos, the newspapers and mtv playing infront of me. i was pretty much infront of the tv the whole afternoon until 3pm. i was flipping between 2 channels. discovery travel and adventure and mtv. i wrote down some unique places to visit when i get the money. i have all the time in the world, but not the money. and well, on mtv, who should be playing but U2. one of their concerts. they sound damn good live! and they are so professional. the whole place was packed. so many people. it was unbelievable. U2 seems to have this certain aura about them. i was only at home watching them perform live on tv. i wasn't even there, but i was in awe. i was inspired. their old songs, their new songs. they all sound so good. the concert was smokin! if i really was there, i don't know what i'd do. i'd probably be one of those ridiculous fainting people at michael jackson concerts, the ones you see on tv. NO WAY!
well, there are some places i want to go to. i want to go to cornwell, England. to those mysterious looking-greenhouses. that look like beehives of astronauts in space. i want to go luging at this place in new zealand. and to this farm in hawaii where there are fainting goats. fainting goats! it's like you're chasing these goats and next thing you know, they are suddenly paralysed and faint for like maybe 4 or 5 seconds. then they stand up and start running again. how queer! how i must see them!
my brother told me he learnt about them in bio. how it's because of this certain gene in them. i really wish i took bio. i really do have a keen interest in it. maybe if i had, i might still have been able to keep 4subjects. F maths! who was i kidding. haha.
anyway i also want to go up in a hot air balloon. i switched on the tv too late so i couldn't get this place. but there was this whole hot air balloon competition some place. and it was such a beautiful and rare sight, seeing so many hot air balloons in the sky at one place. then there was also this video about these really insane guys canoeing in these really insane rapids. INSANE stuff. and while they're speaking to the camera, they're licking the blood of their faces. insane. but cool.
then i was watching this big foot documentary. it was rather interesting. a couple of red indians were also interviewed. some believe that the bigfoot is real. and that there are different kinds. and that there is one with hypnotic powers. i find it hard to imagine that a big hairy creature which looks like the missing link holds hypnotic powers. wow. some people who had seen it were also interviewed. and some who had seen it had decided to go back there with a camera crew to find it. the footage looked like something out of blair witch project. spooky. yet silly. a bunch of humans looking for a scare to set their andrenaline pumping.
saw a lot of interesting stuff on tv this afternoon. who says tv's all that bad?
hey check out the home section of straits times today. the one about people protesting against the war in iraq. what a laugh. compare the pictures between the protest staged in singapore with that in sidney. A LAUGH, i tell you! 6 and 4000! hahaha.
decided to take out the electric to play after a long, long time. sounds good, still. my friends gave it to me as a present for my 14th birthday. oh, you guys! =)
it's only the afternoon and i've had alot of things to say. and i've only really been awake for about 5 hours today. someone seems quite chatty today.
bittersweet. just the way i like it. life, that is. a bittersweet symphony. which happens to be playing now. and so goes the day.
i like it when it's not so perfect. it's imperfections make me love it even more. then it has that certain glimmer, that certain shine. it becomes more beautiful. the kind of thing that makes me want to cry and smile at the same time. that makes me go "aah". like enya's music. like chocolate. like jimmy eat world. like sunsets. like U2. like coke. (but i'm getting over the addiction, i think.) like....soooo many things. what's there to love in this life, you ask? what's there not to, i say. like love.
doesn't a word start looking weird after you stare too long at it. that's what's happening to the word "like" now. what a weird-looking word. what kinda word is that? =P
so i screwed up some exam papers. but hey, i probably won't even remember i had term exams in late feb, 2003, many years down the road. what i'll remember is the simple things that made me smile and look forward to waking up every morning, even when my eyes screamed "nO!" and my body was stuck to the bed with some imaginary superglue.
i mean, there still are some things i wish i could do and i wish would happen and i know it might never happen. these things hang over my head like...dark clouds? but hey, dark clouds don't always stay in one place right? they either get blown away, or they burst into rain. and hey, what comes after the rain? go figure.
catch me if u can. good movie. that's what i think. incredible, the way he did all that. i'm in awe if it really did happen. it takes skill, man. skill. some people still owe me money for pizza today and for last week's movie. ahem. or i'll start charging 50% interest. haha. kidding!
alright then, better be taking my shower soon and be a-gettin' out of this uniform i've been wearing since 6.30am.
it was a good day. =)
i like it when it's not so perfect. it's imperfections make me love it even more. then it has that certain glimmer, that certain shine. it becomes more beautiful. the kind of thing that makes me want to cry and smile at the same time. that makes me go "aah". like enya's music. like chocolate. like jimmy eat world. like sunsets. like U2. like coke. (but i'm getting over the addiction, i think.) like....soooo many things. what's there to love in this life, you ask? what's there not to, i say. like love.
doesn't a word start looking weird after you stare too long at it. that's what's happening to the word "like" now. what a weird-looking word. what kinda word is that? =P
so i screwed up some exam papers. but hey, i probably won't even remember i had term exams in late feb, 2003, many years down the road. what i'll remember is the simple things that made me smile and look forward to waking up every morning, even when my eyes screamed "nO!" and my body was stuck to the bed with some imaginary superglue.
i mean, there still are some things i wish i could do and i wish would happen and i know it might never happen. these things hang over my head like...dark clouds? but hey, dark clouds don't always stay in one place right? they either get blown away, or they burst into rain. and hey, what comes after the rain? go figure.
catch me if u can. good movie. that's what i think. incredible, the way he did all that. i'm in awe if it really did happen. it takes skill, man. skill. some people still owe me money for pizza today and for last week's movie. ahem. or i'll start charging 50% interest. haha. kidding!
alright then, better be taking my shower soon and be a-gettin' out of this uniform i've been wearing since 6.30am.
it was a good day. =)
Thursday, February 20, 2003
the flu bug bit me.
had two exams today. gp and chemistry.
came home and slept all the way. "may cause drowsiness blablabla". that's what the tablets packaging said. i was drowsy alright. i was in alpha state already when i was in the bus home. almost missed my stop.
tomorrow i have c maths and physics. and i just woke up. and i haven't touched either. damn. shall go do so soon. soon.
i really want to do well for term exams. who doesn't right? but i mean, i really wanna do well! sitting on this chair typing about it ain't gonna help much.
later.
=p
had two exams today. gp and chemistry.
came home and slept all the way. "may cause drowsiness blablabla". that's what the tablets packaging said. i was drowsy alright. i was in alpha state already when i was in the bus home. almost missed my stop.
tomorrow i have c maths and physics. and i just woke up. and i haven't touched either. damn. shall go do so soon. soon.
i really want to do well for term exams. who doesn't right? but i mean, i really wanna do well! sitting on this chair typing about it ain't gonna help much.
later.
=p
Wednesday, February 19, 2003
i don't feel so good today. i don't feel so happy. i tried not to voice those feelings out the whole day, thinking that if i actually did, it would be much worse. but it's worse now. there are things i don't wanna feel. but can't help feeling. and i hate myself for it. why do i always do this to myself? i really ruin lotsa things. no wonder the good days don't seem to last as long as they should. what the hell do you think you're doing, shireen?
but there really are some things i cannot control. and i know i'd never want to control them. because then, it wouldn't be real.
and those are the times i wish people wouldn't be so blind. or rather, i wouldn't be so mute. guess the ones who really should will never know what i wanna say to them, all this time, for so long. they'll never know how they made me feel, good or bad. i really wish i didn't have to make people so important. letting them affect the way i feel and how my day goes. but it's hard to do otherwise.
i really have to pour out all this crap. piss it all away. nice song by puddle of mudd by the way. yea. when i'm really sad sometimes, i'll go to the loo and hide in a cubicle and cry it all out. when i'm done crying, i just flush all the used tissues away. it helps. it's like flushing all the troubles away. i do it all the time when i can't take it anymore.
i want to stop feeling this way. i want them to know without me saying so. what am i expecting? how can i expect anything this way?
guess that's always been a problem. too bad for you, shireen.
but there really are some things i cannot control. and i know i'd never want to control them. because then, it wouldn't be real.
and those are the times i wish people wouldn't be so blind. or rather, i wouldn't be so mute. guess the ones who really should will never know what i wanna say to them, all this time, for so long. they'll never know how they made me feel, good or bad. i really wish i didn't have to make people so important. letting them affect the way i feel and how my day goes. but it's hard to do otherwise.
i really have to pour out all this crap. piss it all away. nice song by puddle of mudd by the way. yea. when i'm really sad sometimes, i'll go to the loo and hide in a cubicle and cry it all out. when i'm done crying, i just flush all the used tissues away. it helps. it's like flushing all the troubles away. i do it all the time when i can't take it anymore.
i want to stop feeling this way. i want them to know without me saying so. what am i expecting? how can i expect anything this way?
guess that's always been a problem. too bad for you, shireen.
Tuesday, February 18, 2003
hola!
i just checked my SATS results. it took alot of guts. and when i finally braced myself, the stupid page took so long to open and didn't open in the end.so i just went back to the site and rushed to get my scores with a certain kind of urgentness. and before i knew it, it was staring into my face. took a while to register that i was actually looking at the scores.
funny thing is, i totally forgot about it until just now when my friend messaged me on icq. the stupid boy was damn sad. stupid is a contradiction. the guy got 800 for verbal. if u're reading this now, you silly boy, i still maintain that i'd slap you shitless. haha.
but i'm quite happy with my scores. considering i hardly practised, though i insisted to my parents that i did. and that it was a really big improvement from the mock SATs i've been taking. not too sure about taking it again. the more, the merrier? some things in life are better kept rationed.
i have to finish chem tonight!!! i must!! so i can start physics!! physics!! aargh!! i'm even scared for my GP. it really sucks. ah blah!
dinner calls. my stomach leaps. "why are you still sitting there, you moron? fill me!"
i just checked my SATS results. it took alot of guts. and when i finally braced myself, the stupid page took so long to open and didn't open in the end.so i just went back to the site and rushed to get my scores with a certain kind of urgentness. and before i knew it, it was staring into my face. took a while to register that i was actually looking at the scores.
funny thing is, i totally forgot about it until just now when my friend messaged me on icq. the stupid boy was damn sad. stupid is a contradiction. the guy got 800 for verbal. if u're reading this now, you silly boy, i still maintain that i'd slap you shitless. haha.
but i'm quite happy with my scores. considering i hardly practised, though i insisted to my parents that i did. and that it was a really big improvement from the mock SATs i've been taking. not too sure about taking it again. the more, the merrier? some things in life are better kept rationed.
i have to finish chem tonight!!! i must!! so i can start physics!! physics!! aargh!! i'm even scared for my GP. it really sucks. ah blah!
dinner calls. my stomach leaps. "why are you still sitting there, you moron? fill me!"