i was cranky today. very cranky. and very sleepy. figures, don't it? slept at almost 4, only to wake up at 7 something....why i sleep at that time, is a mystery to me. i just wander the night away doing sweet nothings. i just sit there, dreaming, wondering, thinking.....in vain. as it appears at this point.

i shall have to start sleeping earlier, to make the waking and walking hours worth my while.

there's a danger with dreaming too much. too many ideals are set. and ideals are not short from perfect. and when we fall short of those ideals, or when i do, it's devastating. i try not to expect too much and i guess, it's hard to try not to, when i expect everyone to think the same way i do and be exactly like me. it's utter foolishness to think that way. set your expectations high, they say. i always set mine low. to avoid disapointments. to justify my failures and shortcomings. to give me a reason not to try. what foolishness.

now here's a good song to listen to when you're plugged into your discman, walking down the street at your own steady rhythm, as the cars zoom by, and the people push and shove and briskwalk to their next destination. the kind that makes you feel you're in the music video of bittersweet symphony or one of those. yes, whenever i'm plugged into my discman, i feel like i'm in my own music video. and even when i'm not, i still feel that way. must be the song playing in my head at that moment. ANYWAY, i'm talking about the song, tripoli by pinback. or is it tripoli ace fu. something.

and there's this other song playing now. totally full of angst. a certain kind of urgentness. which i seem to rather like. toxicity.

time's just passing too slowly. i feel that if i wait any longer, there'd be nothing to wait for any longer. but i'm too scared to do anything but wait. and waiting kills. i've come to the conclusion we spend a large part of our lives waiting for things to happen. waiting for the green man to flash, waiting for a bus, waiting for a date, waiting for exam results, waiting for the show to end, waiting for the show to start, waiting for a bone marrow donor, waiting for the commercials to flash so you can go pee, waiting for a miracle, waiting for someone else to do it first........

i guess that's why my ass is growing bigger. i just sit and wait too much. it's a mixture of pride and laziness and hope. what an odd combination.

so i reach all these conclusions about myself. what next? stop waiting! get up and get out and do something! what's stopping me? i just don't see where all this is going...and to you, i'm speaking utter rubbish. it's true. but i have my secrets to keep too.