i cracked a code today. about myself. and why i get so stressed up about being happy, which is one helluva irony if you ask me. i spoke my thoughts out aloud to sheryl tay and yes, it all made sense. this is what i concluded.

i've come to realise that i'm truly a very competitive person. no, not the kind that steals your notes so you'll get a lower physics grade than me. rather, i compare alot. too much. i measure myself using others as rulers. and indeed, i let them rule my state of being. i place my sense of self-worth in the eyes of others and where i stand in their hearts. i'm not afraid of losing, but i'm afraid of being the ultimate loser. afraid of being the only one left behind. afraid of rejection.( i know i ain't the only one) afraid of being left all alone. (yes, loneliness is one of my greatest fears) in short, my joy seems to depend on others. it takes very little to make me upset. because i compare so much. and it takes very little to make me happy too. because all i need to know is that i mean something to someone.

well today, i asked one or two people this question. "to you, is something disallowed until it's allowed or allowed until it's disallowed?" and it's the former for me. which made me realise i've been deluding myself all this while. whatever mentioned above plus this. i used to think myself rather free-spirited but now, it seems quite the contrary even if i don't seem it. in fact, i allow the people around me to tie me down and i set rules and limits for myself which i tell myself i can't cross.

and this has all got to do with pride. there's this occasion that's been playing at the back of my mind ever since it happened. my dad had brought me to visit one of his good friends, a rather famous psychic. she turned to me and told me, "Pride comes before a fall". She told me that of all the things she could have told me. and i was clueless as to why. but i realise that i do contain alot of pride. maybe not the kind that runs people down. but possibly the kind that runs ME down.

my pride led me to believe i was the person who i wanted to be, but now i see who i really am. rather weak-willed and cowardly. my pride led me to want to compare and always shine in the eyes of others, and any less of it would have stirred up a storm in my heart.

maybe the psychic wasn't implying pride in this manner. i don't know. but this is the kind of pride i admit i possess. and i think that this pride blinds and hinders many of us from truly seeing who we really are. tearing down the wall of pride is indeed a must in the process of discovering one's self. if not, what's the point?

i'm not saying i've gotten rid of that pride. it might be a long time before i eventually do. i'm not saying that as of now, i'll be able find joy from within, and not with out, in the eyes and words of others. i'm not saying that i'm going be the bravest and strongest girl as of this moment on. but what i'm saying is, that i'm gonna try.