i don't feel so good today. i don't feel so happy. i tried not to voice those feelings out the whole day, thinking that if i actually did, it would be much worse. but it's worse now. there are things i don't wanna feel. but can't help feeling. and i hate myself for it. why do i always do this to myself? i really ruin lotsa things. no wonder the good days don't seem to last as long as they should. what the hell do you think you're doing, shireen?

but there really are some things i cannot control. and i know i'd never want to control them. because then, it wouldn't be real.

and those are the times i wish people wouldn't be so blind. or rather, i wouldn't be so mute. guess the ones who really should will never know what i wanna say to them, all this time, for so long. they'll never know how they made me feel, good or bad. i really wish i didn't have to make people so important. letting them affect the way i feel and how my day goes. but it's hard to do otherwise.

i really have to pour out all this crap. piss it all away. nice song by puddle of mudd by the way. yea. when i'm really sad sometimes, i'll go to the loo and hide in a cubicle and cry it all out. when i'm done crying, i just flush all the used tissues away. it helps. it's like flushing all the troubles away. i do it all the time when i can't take it anymore.

i want to stop feeling this way. i want them to know without me saying so. what am i expecting? how can i expect anything this way?

guess that's always been a problem. too bad for you, shireen.