another week has started. i was having my supposed one-week holiday last week. it was actually more of a psuedo holiday littered with an exam, project work and meetings. but i guess most of us were not bothered to be so upset about this because we were already resigned to the fact that all elaborate plans of fun would have to be thrown out of the window to make way for the impending deadlines. dead. lines. lines of death.

throughout that pretty mellow one week though, things weren't as bad as they seemed. i was using it as an opportunity to put first things first in my life. it's like this. whenever you set priorities straight and put what is most important at the centre of everything, then everything else starts to flow naturally. more like, you have the grace to accept and embrace things more naturally. i kinda found a certain peace i needed.

but it's so easy to backslide. a new week has started and already, i am starting to do things upside-down again. two step forwards, one step back. that should mean i'm still going forward, right? but if it's one step forward, two steps back......

an embodied soul. incarnation. sacrament. faith. mystery. living. child. walking on water. blind. absorbing all the bullets of the world. consideration. sufficient? go. hell. total abandonment. love. human. divine. no. yes. unburnt. waves. resilient. grace. suffering. consumerism. what more is there. resurrect. outside the realm of time. inside. nothing. all.

this is a lovely song by u2 off their passengers soundtrack. Your Blue Room. shan't say much about it. go take a listen or ask me if you can't find it...

Your Blue Room by U2
The air is clean, your skin is clear
We've had enough fun hanging around here
It's a different kind of conversation in your blue room

Saw me calmly, deep inside
Saw me calmly, somewhere to hide

And time is a string of pearls
Your blue room
In a second see the future just hanging there
Your blue room
A new frame, a new perspective
Looking down on my objectives
New instructions, whatever their directions
Your blue room

Saw me calmly, be so proud and new
Saw me calmly, came to feel

It's alright
Your blue room
One day, I'll be back
Your blue room
Yeah, I hope I remember where it's at
Your blue room

I see inside of you
Won't you take me back home
So much for the time

Zooming in and zooming out
Nothing I can do without
A lense to see it all up close
Magnify what everyone knows
Never in company, never alone
No car alarms, no cellular phones

a tribute to phaemie

first and foremost, happy birthday phaemie!!!
(ok her birthday is actually on the 26th of february.)

phaemie is a very special and unique person. though she is thousands of miles away from me right now, she never seems too far away. she always tries to be there for me and cheers me up despite the fact that she may be crying or fuming inside. she is beautiful the way she is; her quirks and her obsessions and the things she finds amusing and the way she drives and the observations she makes and the stories she tells and the urges she gets and the ideas she comes up with and....and....and i could go on forever.

i miss her alot. sometimes i walk past her estate and have this urge to go and ring her doorbell or give her a call to ask her whether i can come over or whether she would like to just go hang out. then i remember that she's there and i'm here. or when i'm down and out and wish there is someone to talk to, i think of her. but again, i remember that she's there and i'm here. thank goodness for the internet, where we can both be there and here at the same time or i will probably be driven to take a plane down to charlottesville, virginia to kidnap phaemie and bring her home!

but anyway, i can't express enough how grateful i am to have ever been blessed with the gift of phaemie in my life. i don't know why i deserve her but she's definitely proof that someone out there loves me enough to put her in my life! this is getting so sappy. maybe it's cos i'm a bit tipsy now and it's 2.39am in the morning.

but what i'm trying to say, phaemie...is that i love you! enjoy whatever is left of your birthday and this life. may god bless you with peace, love and joy in your heart always!!

my mom always said i was the stubborn one. i wouldn't say much, i wouldn't argue back or shout, but i'd do what i wanted to anyway. she once said i was the most dangerous one because of that. my mom has this strange knack of being right. i have this strange knack of proving her right by doing the exact opposite of what she adviced me against.

life often throws answers in my face. these days, the answers are so clear. but i'm stubborn, right? despite the answers, despite the "no"s, what do i do? i run along doing the most unexpected, craziest, over-impulsive things. can't take no for an answer, the same little girl who would lie on the floor in the middle of a busy shopping centre, refusing to get up, because her parents wouldn't get her a toy. maybe it's cute for a child. i'm 20 this year, and it's not cute anymore. it's crippling and sad.

we learn alot of the most important lessons in life through pain. perhaps that's what makes them the most important. noone can console me and noone should. this girl needs to get up from the floor and learn to live without those toys.... =P

on tuesday night, raymond dumped a whole load of cds on me and it felt as though i was carrying a cd shop in my bag. then i started listening to them one by one. was listening to dido's life for rent album last night. and tonight, i'm listening to john mayer. and one thing struck me. the universals of life. everyone is experiencing these same things...heartbreak, letting go, falling in love, over and over again....

and one song i cannot help but listen to over and over again. "wheel" by john mayer. the lyrics are amazingly true and hit home in an unexpected and subtle way. one of those bittersweet songs that is like a mirror image of this life. sad and hopeful and unexplainable and unpredictable and lovely all at once....

Wheel by John Mayer
People have the right to fly
And will when it gets compromised
Their hearts say "Move along"
Their minds say "Gotcha heart"
Let's move it along

And airports, see it all the time
Where someone's last goodbye
Blends in with someone's sigh
Cause someone's coming home
In hand, a single rose

That's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
And I won't be the last
No I won't be the last, to love her

You can't build a house of leaves
And live like it's an evergreen
It's just a season thing
It's just this thing that seasons do

And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
And you won't be the first
No you won't be the first, to love me

You can find me, if you ever want to again
I'll be around the bend
I'll be around the bend
I'll be around, I'll be around
And if you never stop when you wave goodbye
You just might find if you give it time
You will wave hello again
You just might wave hello again

And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now

You can't love too much, one part of it

I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give return to me

i rushed down in a cab today to mount alvernia hospital. i didn't really know what time she was going into the operating theatres or where everyone was or anything. i just let some mysterious force take charge and lead me there. took the lift up to the 4th floor. i entered through the doors which separates the authorised personnal from the unauthorised ones i.e. me and saw my cousin sitting anxiously in a chair, wearing those green scrubs and the shower cap thingy on his head. the sight of an expectant father, minutes before he was about to see his first son being born into the world.

i had to wait outside though. his best friend was there. he flew all the way from australia to share in this moment. my cousin's mom sat next to me, chatting excitedly with my mother. i was armed with my video camera, hoping not to miss a thing. soon enough, the doors opened and out came my cousin in those same funny green scrubs, walking beside the doctor who was pushing little samuel in a little roller-cot. my cousin's face wore a smile of triumph and pride. who would've thought that this little boy would grow up to be a father today?

my aunty was bonkers by then. she was totally blown away by the sight of little samuel. she had only seen him for a few seconds for he had to be rushed off for tests and to be cleaned up. yet, she was gushing away about him to everyone on her phone, marvelling at his dimples, his curly hair, who he looked like, how cute he was, dot, dot, dot...

my cousin, the proud new father, he was still captivated by the awe of this experience. he kept recalling those moments, how he felt when he first got to hold his son, how samuel was able to respond to his name already, the way samuel put his little hand on his little ears when he hear the other babies crying in the nursery. his wife, she lay on her bed, with a tired but relieved and calm smile on her face. the triumphant heroine. i played the video back for her to see little samuel since she still hadn't really looked at him yet. she was too tired to really talk much but i could tell her heart was swelling with excitement and wonder...finally a face to the little creature who had been kicking her belly and swimming around in it for almost 9 months.

then all their close friends came in at one shot shortly after. i felt so touched by the whole situation. everyone coming together to celebrate the springing forth of a new life into the world, to be there for my cousin and his wife to share in this joyous moment with them...i found it so beautiful, the bustle of activity surrounding the birth of this teeny weeny little thing. i don't know how to describe it; i'm not eloquent enough. but they were truly some beautiful moments and i am in awe.

to sidetrack a bit, don't you think it must be such a big shock for a baby who has just been born into the world? all of a sudden, you see those bright lights, strange two-legged things walking around wearing weird things, doing weird things....was just imagining myself as little samuel.

life is made up a series of births and deaths. every moment, something is born, a new cell, a new job opportunity, a new friend, a new lover....every moment, something else dies....an old cell, resigning from a job, breaking up....

everything is so transient. but maybe that's what makes everything all the more beautiful. and perhaps we hold on to love in all these moments, since it's the only thing we can hold onto, the only permanent thing. we're just sojourning through this life, but on the way, it seems as though there's just so much to celebrate about and be thankful for...so much! true, there are also times for grieving. that's life i guess....there's a time for every purpose under heaven...

ok, so one week has just passed me by in a blur. not really sure what hit me cos it all happened so fast. feels so unreal, like nothing even happened at all in the first place. anyway, i'm set on starting the new week on a fresh note. going to pick up the pieces and shake of the dust and get my life into order again.

"i have no home, only a journey..... my journey is like a cloud. there is thirst everywhere so i cannot just stop here." (words of an 11-yr-old yogi)

resilience...what a beautiful thing that is.....

i feel like i am walking in a daze these days. because i'm trying not to think for fear of "thinking too much." because i find that no matter what people say and do to me, i cannot run away from the voices in my head, and the only way i can, is to just stop thinking. because i'm so afraid that what those voices tell me are true. and i hate being in this state because it feels like i'm not really living.

my mom was telling me about my little nephew in australia today after having a phone conversation with his mom, my cousin. i was so amused by all the really mischievous and chaotic things he did. and how he would give a cheeky smile after it all. i felt a great sense of admiration for this little toddler who ran around in only his pampers half the time and gave only a few-toothed grin most of the time. i felt he was really living, much more than me at least.

the only thing that's keeping me sane is hope, is faith that there is goodness and a better world. maybe some might call me foolish, but i just know it's there. i've seen glimpses of it, felt it. i just lost sight of it for now. my entries are following a fixed pattern these days huh? always starts with some kind of sob story, then it always ends with hope. because despite what i feel, i know life is not all doom and gloom. it can be beautiful and is.

i don't know. i mean, is it going to get easier? and is it all worth it? how will we ever know whether it is? and if it takes faith, what is this faith made up of? of what we want or what is? where is my faith and what do i build it upon? i don't know i don't know i don't know. silence is golden. gold is cold and hard and heartless. that's how this silence feels likes.

well, i know i am capable of forgetting. i know i am capable of walking away. i can do it in hours and even get used to it. i've done it. that's really not a problem. but why do i stay? now, that's what's most perplexing.

how did i ever become the girl i am now? how is it that i say and do all the foolish things that i say and do now? how is it that i dare to want what i want now? how did i ever get so rash and reckless? how....strange.

i need to get out of this mode. i need to get out of this rut. sometimes, it feels like i have and boy do i feel so free. then, suddenly, it feels like i've always been there. an idle mind is indeed the devil's workshop. oh be gone, you demons. who invited you here? me. how silly.

perhaps i should just get some sleep. put this day behind me. and when i awake later, it will be a brand new day and i'll start over and i won't vegetate and stagnate like i have today. i'll be somebody. i'll go somewhere.

"update your blog!!!" and so i am doing so now, phaemie. haha. but you must know, the only update this blog ever gives is just the present state of my thoughts. and even that is not very reliable for my thoughts are constantly changing and flowing like water, with no definite shape or form.

yay! i got the window seat! i'm sitting in the library right now. i don't know how it happened. i never used to sit in school libraries. i used to HATE staying back after school was over. i thought it was such a silly thing to do. i thought people who did such things were crazy and needed a life. but i seem to be finding myself here almost everyday, and in the same location. the cubicles on the 2nd floor. i really love this place and the time i spend here. it's when i can have my own quiet time and be absorbed in my own world, listening to music, surfing, reading, studying, whatever...and well, now, i got the seat right next to the window in the corner and i like it...

we were flying to italy and it was nighttime. everyone was sleeping. i arose from my slumber and sneaked a peek out of the window as i customary did from time to time because when you get the window seat, that's what you should do or you might as well not sit there at all. so i turned my head and pressed my nose against the window and i looked away. then i looked back outside again. so i really wasn't dreaming! we were literally surrounded by stars! millions! uncountable! the most i'd ever seen right infront of me for real! i sat there for a while, astounded and in awe of how such beauty can ever exist. i felt as though it was all for me. everyone was sleeping or watching their movies in the darkness and stillness of the night, and there was shireen with her whole face squashed against the window, her mind already wandering far from her aeroplane seat.

i had to tell someone. i had to tell the world! i woke my whole family up. blurry-eyed, disoriented and slightly irritated, i made each one of them go to the window and look outside and i know all who saw were left in awe and wonder of those things that were beyond what they could ever fathom.

we were returning from italy. i was watching some movie and it was day time, so i pulled down the shades to block out the reflection on my tv screen. but that's so NOT what a window-seated person should do! being knocked to my senses, i pulled up the shades and my first reaction was, "is it real?!!" below me, mountains and glaciers and snow and ice were stretched out in all directions and pretty much resembled what a vanilla ice cream planet covered in chocolate sauce would look like to me. again, i made my whole family get up and take a look.

the next time i peeked outside, i again had to ask myself whether i was seeing right. but by then, i should have been used to such surprises. far below was just plain desert, desert and more desert! i have never seen a desert in my life, besides on tv and in magazines, etc, etc. i never knew it was so beautiful. the folds and contours, the brilliance of the golden sand, the vastness of the desert to the extent you could not see where it started and ended just simply left me breathless and gasping for air.

sometimes when i'm in my room at home, i sit by the window and just stare outside, observing the people walking in my lane, the cars on the main road, the traffic lights changing colour, the clouds, the birds on the rooftops and antennas, the sunset sky, the moon when it's really late at night, the kids sneaking out of their houses, the couple walking their dog, the maids washing the cars. you get a room with a window with a view, you better look out of that damn window as often as you can. or else you might as well not live in it at all.

windows are meant to at least be looked out from, if not to be opened. our eyes, ears, sense of touch, our whole body are windows for our soul to "look" out from and for others to look into, to experience life in this form. we have to pull apart the curtains from time to time.....

right now, there's really nothing much happening outside my window though. there's still the same tree, the same beige building, the same sky though perhaps the clouds have shifted making way for others...but i still make sure i take a glance out regularly from time to time. that's what you do when you get the window seat.you don't want to miss a thing....

for some time, i started to forget who i was. i started to stop seeing the beauty in me, only black holes filled with demons that would haunt me and others around me every second. i could not find anything redeeming about myself in your eyes. i felt myself just crumbling into nothingness infront of you as i tried desperately to find something to say, something to do, that would make you see i was worth it.

then i got tired and i stopped and took a look around, inside, outside. saw the mess i had left behind from some sort of sick self-mutilation with a foolish purpose behind it. realised how silly i was. no, actually, you didn't do anything to make me feel this way. i just kept feeling that i needed to prove something. then again, maybe if you had actually done something, it might have helped.

but it's ok. i don't hate myself anymore, even when i'm infront of you. i know that the fact i was born makes me worthy because nothing is a coincidence and god does not make mistakes. i am not angry and i don't hate you. i just got lost so much in you for a while that i forgot.

i don't really understand how these things work. i don't understand how alot of things work actually. but i'm trying to and i'm getting stronger and braver. and i don't fear you that much anymore and i want to know you more and love you....

***

you = people i used to be afraid of. sometimes, i just get so scared of people. i hate that feeling. fear is so crippling and so frustrating. there's so much love to give and it's frustrating cos it'll only ever remain inside because of fear, which is essentially the consequence of obsession with meaningless, irrational thoughts. i think i'm getting better...

***

i feel really good today. a certain sense of liberation. some days, my heart is heavy, filled with anxiety and worry. my mind is continuously troubled and i cannot see a happy ending. then all of a sudden, a thought springs into my mind and it makes everything else dissolve into nothingness. "what are you so afraid of? what do you fear? what IS there to fear?" and at once, a certain sense of calm and peace fills me. i don't know how to describe it well enough so you'd understand. it's like one moment you're falling helplessly in a whirlpool of life's complications, your heart beating with fear and anxiety as you anticipate the pain when you crash down at the bottom. then, suddenly, everything around you vanishes and it's all clear and calm. and instead of falling, you are now floating. you're being lifted up but you can't see by what or whom. you don't feel scared anymore. all you feel is pure bliss. it's just this sense of wonder and awe and complete trust. and you know you're a child again.

i look forward to these experiences in life. they're like random little pieces of heaven which occur when you least expect it them to. i know i can do this. i know i will get through it all.

today, no, not today, yesterday, a few hours ago, i was at a dinner which was held at my dad's friend's house. i don't know how but my brothers managed to get out of it, leaving me to do the dirty job of socialising. usually, my brothers and i just bunch up together at these things.

as expected, i went there surrounded by high-flying people who've all made it somewhere or a name for themselves. the children are all smart and confident and so are the children's friends. the adults were all talking about things i had no knowledge about nor was i interested in. so of course, i asked myself, what the hell was i doing there?

small talk scares me. to go through the whole process of repeating over and over again which school i'm in, what courses i'm doing, bla, bla, bla. i know that noone really cares. as long as they can escape the silence. and as i'm standing there, looking around and observing all these people, i realise that everyone is to some degree, awkward as well. i see them trying hard to think of a conversation topic or smiling excessively to make up for the deafening silence or looking at some imaginary person in the distance as though something were caught in their minds. and i thought to myself, how bizarre....

thus, i had come to a conclusion. that everyone was unsure and awkward and wary, some even shy. and that small talk did not interest them one bit. which thus led me to another conclusion. that being yourself and being honest is so important! what do i mean? i mean, we DON'T need to put up pretences and act because everyone is just as afraid.

i'm not saying that small talk is an entirely bad thing. however, i'm saying that we can be as vunerable and open as we can, unashamed of ourselves, when we are meeting new people. because that is the part that matters most. the part you take away with you to keep when you meet that new stranger for those 5 minutes in your life.

well, seems like that "tactic" worked. i didn't leave that party feeling lousy and out of place. i left it after having a good time and laughing and talking about things i love and remember, with people who were once strangers.

u see, we don't have to keep fighting. we don't have to keep proving things. we need to become little children, looking at everything in wonder and awe and trusting wholeheartedly that god knows what he's doing. yes, we're not meant to impress or judge but to wonder and marvel at everything that was the fruit of god's hands. and then, to embrace, accept and love it all.

days like the one before, i love them! they pull me out of my safety havens and broaden my circles and make me step back to admire everything and go "aaah". for a moment, i am falling without a parachute and my mind is racing and i feel as though i could die anytime. then it opens, and i know i will land on stable ground, and i do. the view is breathtaking and the experience fills up my senses and makes me feel so alive and in love!

did i forget to mention what an irrational thing worrying is? it is.

i've been thinking about death alot. not in a bad way though. in fact, it has made me wake up from this so-called sleepwalk through life. the all important question i ask myself all the time these days, "what if i were to die today?" and that puts everything in perspective.

my friends, life is that fragile. the waves just appeared from what seemed like nowhere and engulfed their lives in an instant. thousands of them. i wonder, did any of them know that they were going to breathe their last human breath that day?

if someone hurts you today, or makes you angry or hateful, especially someone you love, and you feel tempted to "make your point" or dwell in your black hole of emotions, just ask yourself, "what if i were to die today?" you'd realise that all this drama doesn't matter. i realised this and i also realised that i don't want to die a bitter and angry person. i want to die letting the people i love know just how much they are loved and how special they are. and thus comes the next all important question, "is it really worth it to be so angry? or miserable?" and it would snap me out of my "misery mode" and remove the blindfolds from my eyes.

so what does this mean? it means that we have to overcome fear, pride, vanity, even laziness. if you feel the urge to tell your mom just how beautiful she is but feel too afraid to let down that guard, ask yourself, "what if i died today?" and your ego wouldn't seem so important anymore.

it all boils down, again, to love, my friends. all that lasts and all that glitters, even until the last moment of this life, is love. i know that there is a time and season for everything. but i also know that love transcends all boundaries, be it time or space. it's human to fear, to feel angry and sad, to be jealous, but it's human to love too. and what a beautiful thing that is. so gentle and strong, it overcomes all, even death.