on wednesday, i was waiting for a bus at the bustop near my house and i was thinking about the little time i had left. 4 months of holidays seem really long but suddenly, it has all dashed past me in a whiz. in 4 months, so much has changed. and so much has remained the same or gone back to what it was before, coming full circle as they say. whoever they are.

i thought about convocation coming up on saturday for the freshies. about confirmation on saturday for the sec 3s and a few others and my own brother. i thought about all the people who wanted to meet on saturday. my orientation group freshies. the mafia (my section facils). the teacuppers (my group of friends in school). msc pple (mustard seed community). and of course, there was my family. and i thought about phaemie flying off early on saturday morning. i thought about the lack of white spaces i had left in the calender of my life.

i thought about all the things i had to do in the few days i had left before school started on monday and before all the things that were going to happen on saturday happened. from very trivial stuff to very important stuff. getting my blue shirt, black skirt and black shoes for convocation. sending out the mail to the freshies in my group. booking my driving lesson. arranging facil stuff for the upcoming sec 2 camp. music practice for the sec 2 camp. reformatting my computer and configuring it to the school network. exercising. family. spending as much time with phaemie as i can before she leaves.

i just felt overwhelmed. it suddenly occured to me how desperate for time i was. desperate because all the itsy bitsy nitty gritties were robbing me off time for the more important things like spending time with the ones i love. and the lyrics of the arkarna song started playing over and over in my mind...

"so little time so much to do
i'd rather spend my days with you"

immediately, i whipped out a little black notebook from my bag which i bought from qiu xin for $2.50 last saturday to support SMU touch rugby which i have no part of. it says "i'm on vacation"in orange infront. and i wrote down 5 different headings (wed, thurs, fri, sat, sun) on an empty page and under each heading, started writing out all the things i had to do so that i could find little empty spaces where i could squeeze time out from. i know that if my parents read this, they will say "wake up earlier!" or "sleep earlier!" isn't that the case? our parents sometimes tell us the common sensical stuff. we sometimes keep hearing things we already know. but these things don't always click until they do. know what i mean?

u know, sometimes u feel at peace with everything and then sometimes, u start to feel a certain restlessness in you, but be thankful. don't ignore this restlessness. it's trying to tell you that something's not in order. and i know something's not in order recently. and i have a vague idea. i guess it's because of the fact that i've not really been "present". i feel disoriented alot. my mind is not really where it should be. always thinking about where to go, what to do. as though life is one big rush. and when that happens and my mind is everywhere and yet nowhere, is it any wonder that my thoughts are far away from god? yes, whenever i feel a certain sense of restlessness, i know it could mean alot of things but it definitely boils down to one thing...my centre is not where it should be. and i guess a disorderly, messy, chaotic lifestyle doesn't really help. i mean, if i can manage to stay centred where i should despite that, then sure. but i know right now, i can't continue that way.

so, here are my resolutions for monday onwards, when the new term begins. loud and clear for the whole world to see!

1. sleep early
2. rise early
3. create white spaces for quiet time
4. exercise
5. get involved in an activity in school

alright, this is just to start off. only if i do all this do i deserve to try all the good food around the new campus. ok i don't know what or where's the logic in that. hmmmmm.....

nevertheless, the holidays have been wonderful! i know i have been a silly, foolish girl at times. but regret evades me. all i feel is immense gratefulness and awe and all that has passed.

as i was telling a friend, who i suspect might be reading this soon, there are days when i am grumpy and quiet, days when i am stoned and spaced out, days when i am crazy happy....but all days, i am just so grateful and glad to be alive! to know that i'm a child of god! to know that no matter what kind of day it is, or what the weather is, or who did what to me, that will never change....i may slip and i may fall and i may take the wrong turns, but what keeps me going is my hope and faith in you. what keeps me going is LOVE....

ok, 4.17am is stretching it too far. sometimes, i just need to know when to stop. =P

thank yOU!

p.s. i hope this will do for now and that you are not reading this in your grave but rather, while listening to some aimee mann and munching on a cookie or something....

i feel i should say thank you. or wow, isn't it amazing? or something...

it's like...like that time when i was sitting on the side of the boat, legs dangling over the edge, watching the islands and rocky hills and choppy waves pass me by with the beach soundtrack swimming in my mind. a video would have never completely captured that moment.

or like the time when i saw those millions of stars through the little airplane window. are there enough numbers to count them? could've taken a photo, but it would probably just look like johnsons baby powder which fell on a black tar road.

and this time, even words defeat me. or rather, are defeated. how can i ever stop being in awe?

how can one not be in awe?

it comes up to as far as my throat and then, it's all stuck there. i don't know where else to put it. i don't know everything. but it doesn't mean i've stopped trying. i haven't.

i don't know what else to say. these days, words barely scratch the surface...

"dear god, please turn me into a bird, so i can fly, fly far far away from here.."

that day, she didn't turn into a bird. but she was set free. the police mysteriously arrived to take away from her life the man who had caused her so much pain all those years.

and these days, that scene from forrest gump keeps playing repeatedly in my mind. how god works in such mysterious and ingenius ways to turn situations around. how he cushions our fall with love through people. how even the mess left behind by a murderer or rapist can be transformed into something beautiful. how a night of sleeplessness and queasiness and the consequent shirking of responsibility led to a greater purpose to fit into the divine plan of love.

it's like this giant whirlpool we're all being sucked into towards the centre where love is. and no matter what we do or say, we just cannot run away from it. and we hurt so much and struggle so much when we fight against the flow. when we turn away from love. because that is the core of our being. that is our ultimate calling and our ultimate destiny lies somewhere there.

our bouts of suffering are tugs on our sleeves, sometimes yanks, telling us we're fighting the flow and going the wrong way. as we get nearer the centre, just when we think we are finally on the right path, the pain can sometimes get so surprisingly overwhelmingly great. that's because the force there is soooo strong that even straying A LITTLE from the flow brings about immense pain to the soul. but rejoice when we feel this pain. be thankful that we are being reminded and alerted that we are going the wrong direction.

and because this whirlpool is in constant motion, nothing is constant. so many things will pass us by and if we hold on so tightly, we will be going against the flow. and it will tire us down and wear us out.

don't fight the flow....

before we know it, we'll be at the eye, at the centre. we will be in the middle where the source of it all is, where perfect love resides. that's why some say it begins and is right here on earth.

heaven.

my face was covered in spots today. it was bumpy and swollen and itchy all over. as though my head had entered a beehive. ok maybe not so bad. but i felt horrid. didn't feel like going anywhere but did so anyway. i felt ashamed to show my face around and wanted to avoid bumping into people i knew. i know it's nothing life-threatening and not such a big deal but it made me think of lepers and people who had skin disfigurations or even the normal dreaded acne problems. there were the ones who could accept and love themselves anyway. then, there were those who couldn't bear to look at themselves because they detested what greeted their sights so much. i think i was a mixture of both today. i felt as beautiful and alive as ever. until i looked into the mirror. but when the moment passed, i would forget about what i saw and remember who i really am. perhaps today i will be a girl with a bumpy, patchy face. and tomorrow, i will have crystal clear complexion. and then ten years may pass by or less and my face will start to have these wrinkles and spots. but i will be who i am till the end.

so many things made me feel like crying today. and a few succeeded in doing so. but something embedded deep inside me was excited and joyful because it knew that life was still beautiful and magical and great things were about to happen in the midst of all that sadness and suffering. it kept my heart beating and my chin, up.

it's really hard to see how all these can be so right when these same things tear you apart inside. but it's imperfection that leads us to the path of perseverance towards perfection and that is the paradox of life, like everything else.

the more i learn, the more i realise just how much i have yet to learn. and the more i don't know just how much more there is to learn. and suddenly, i realise i am not already twenty but only twenty.

i look around me and see and hear my stories being retold over and over again by different people. i want to help them. i want to show them what i've learnt so that they'll avoid more pain and destruction. i want to tell them that there is hope and that it's love that will free them. i wish i could tell them sooo many things. then i try to remember how i learnt. and i realised i learnt it all the long and hard way. then i look at these people again and decide there isn't really much for me to say and that i don't really have to say anything. people need to experience life, not just hear about it. but people also need people. and that is what i'm here for.

i'm really trying my best to think straight and focus as i type out this post. so i'm sorry if my post is terribly disjointed and not making any sense. i'm too tired to even know whether it's making sense or not. and hope, there aren't too many spelling mistakes. if there are, you've probably have guessed what i was trying to say anyway.

aargh, getting so long-winded and whatever.

whatever it is, hello and cya later...

i wonder...how did dashboard confessionals come up with their name? here i was about to start a post when i realised that this thing i'm typing in is called the dashboard and kinda like my confessional. just one of those sporadic thoughts floating about...

then i started wondering why i even wanted to start a post in the first place. what on earth did shireen so desperately want to say at 3.05 in the morning? apparently, a) it slipped her mind, b) she fell asleep with her eyes open, c) nothing.

everyday is so different. i wonder what tomorrow will bring, who i will meet, where i will go. what i will learn...

and for that, a good night's sleep is absolutely necessary..

p.s. terence, you wanted my site feed enabled. i wonder if that's a good idea looking at the type of posts i am capable of posting i.e. this one.

i don't get it. i don't know why i'm so happy. or how i got through the week. given all that happened the week before.

but i'm happy about that.

i love the fact that some things elude my understanding. i love the fact that i don't know everything. i love the fact that the universe is so big. and the fact that i am but a mere speck. i love the fact that learning will never stop. i love the fact that i'll never be able to listen to all the possible permutations 7 notes of music can make in one lifetime. i love the fact that it'll take forever to read all the books in the world. i love the fact that there is sooooo much to discover about just one person, and what more all the people in the world. i love the fact that i don't always get what i want, as painful as it seems and feels. i love the fact that i'm not perfect and will never have everything. i love the fact that it's not always a bed of roses.

i love the fact that life is so much more than all this and that i am so small and yet, so vital for living.

thank you, mister god! it's all so overwhelming and breathtaking...all of it...

i feel happy. spending time with my family really helps no matter how chaotic it gets sometimes. at the end of the day, despite all the fights and quarrels and words tinged with hurt, they still love me and i love them. i feel safe and secure and genuinely loved for all that i am.

yesterday, my heart felt like a squish ball. my stomach felt like it had been punched. i just couldn't eat. couldn't sleep. thoughts kept darting around like those snitch balls in harry potter in my mind and i couldn't catch them and make them disappear. to top it all off, i had to meet my orientation group which i am faciliating for dinner last night. every fibre of my being was telling me to run away and go home. but i stayed till the end. i was as chatty as ever. never running out of stuff to talk about. even found it in me to plan a prank with my buddy on the group. all the while, my stomach was in knots. but i survived. and i realised i could be strong and my spirit cannot be destroyed and no matter what happens, i'll always have that in me.

i'm feeling much better today. i was reading those everyday sayings in my grandma's room and it said something about beginning everyday anew. today, i was in the car and we were driving by many familiar places which brought back the familiar knots in my stomach. and i realised what the landmakr forum finally meant by life is meaningless and empty. not in the negative way. it meant that life was a blank slate and it was us who attached meanings to it and filled it up with our memories and hurts, carrying these big baggages around when we don't have to. and that was what i was doing. and suddenly the phrase, "the time is now", just made alot of sense to me. that the time is now and there was no point carrying all these heavy backpacks full of rubbish around when they were from a different time. and if the time is now, why were we leaving traces of our past strewn across everywhere like a messy battlefield after the war?

and phaemie, thanks for talking and being here for me and going through this with me. even if you sometimes wonder whether you should come back, i am really thankful when you do. you are really very special and beautiful and you touch my life in more ways than one. thank you! =)

today, i feel as though i really began anew. i slept well. i slept in. i went for a nice, peaceful mass. had a good lunch with my dad and brothers. went to visit my relatives whom i really love. i feel strong and i feel brave. i could even eat heartily. and my heart didn't pound and my stomach didn't cave in when i saw those colourful stripes. i know i can get through this. and i will!

i wonder what is this fascination i have with seeing my heart crumble before my eyes, when i know i could have, should have turned away when i had the chance to. i wonder how torn it will become before i am unable to make out the shreds that was my heart. i wonder why i choose to lose. i wonder why i am thinking of all this. am i thinking too much and for nothing?

i wonder what is the purpose of this post.

just got back from thailand yesterday. bangkok is really different from phuket or khaolak. the moment i stepped into the bangkok airport, i could tell it was going to be a totally different experience and i was right.

i felt a bit sad and disoriented on the whole of the first day after touching down. i was struggling to find something good, something true. i missed the sincerity and the warmth of old takuapa in khaolak. the friendliness and laid back attitudes of the friends we made in phuket. the joy and simplicity of eating street food without having to worry so much. it's as though we always had to watch our back lest we get cheated or something. and how sex sells!

"want to see thai girl show? ping pong balls? bottle caps?"

it just made me feel empty inside. and empty vessels make the most noise right? my soul felt restless and the noise inside was deafening and unbearable. i felt sad because these people felt they had no choice,other than to lie, to cheat and to pervert. they sell things for prices way over the top. some taxi drivers refuse to turn on their meters. the tuk tuk drivers are up to some treacherous ploy behind their crooked smiles. you are approached every few seconds by these friendly blokes with menus only to realise it's sex they are selling.

they think it's the faster and easier way. but it's not. it's worse. the truth always has a way of coming out. and whatever is hidden will be revealed in the time to come. it made me think of starwars. there were the good taxi drivers who switched on their meters. the gracious shopowners who didn't cheat. the kind lady who offered us help for free. then there were the taxi drivers who didn't play according to the rules and stuck up middle fingers. the tuk tuk driver who charged us more because we wouldn't go see that thai girl show. the shopowners who cheat. it's like how anakin turned to the dark side. it's not the faster and easier route. it's an uglier route which leads to decay.

on wednesday evening, we went for mass. (we had also gone the day before and i was amazed and overwhelmed by the peace that enveloped me when my soul had been so heavy and noisy before that) i had not eaten lunch before that and i was hungry. and i thought about my hunger. and i thought about the people i had seen. and a prayer formed in my mind after receiving the eucharist. i realised that was what we needed. i could feed the hungry with love. quench the thirsty with love. clothe the naked and cold with love. cure the lonely and abandoned with love.

and i didn't feel so hungry anymore.

love seems like the harder and longer way. but it's the more beautiful way and it leads to life and times of refreshing.

nevertheless, i did have a really good time ultimately and maybe because of those powerful experiences. my entourage consisted of a fantastic bunch of people. alvin, mel lee, kelly (my roommate), dominic and merrill. we were never short of laughter and love.

by the end of the trip, i managed to find it. there was goodness. there was truth. anywhere and everywhere. it's in all of us. do we choose to live in disgrace and ignore the divine in us? that is the question. somehow, while i was there in the heart of bangkok, powerful messages about life and love were revealed to me. keep your eyes open! said the travelling guru in me. there is so much to see! and keep your heart and mind open! and be in awe...

my grandma called to thank me just now because i got khai to buy her the 3 bottles of johnsons baby cologne she wanted. she said it couldn't be found in singapore so i got khai to buy it from malaysia. haha, thanks khai. my grandma wants a crossword puzzle book to occupy her mind. so, gonna try, no, gonna get it for her. it's time to start keeping my sweet words and not just giving them.

i'll be taking off for thailand tomorrow morning. yes, again. haha. i'll be in bangkok until thursday. i know the main purpose is supposed to be shopping. but i'm quite sure i'm NOT going to spend my whole time shopping. haha. not sure why but i feel a bit scared and anxious.

been thinking alot about "awkward silence". like when you are with one or more people and there reaches a point in time when the conversation reaches a lull or a deadend and for some reasons you start panicking or trying your best to think of another topic to fill up the space. what i'm trying to know is..why does silence become awkward? what meaning do we attach to silence that makes it such an awkward thing? is it because it is so out of place from the noise of our lives? but then, why do we rush to exterminate silence just because it is out of place? almost like...we are so afraid of it.

for me, i'm wondering. maybe it's because the silence will expose my true emotions, who i really am. the moment there is silence, i am naked. you might find out that i'm actually scared of you and can't bear to look you in the eye otherwise. you might find out how intense i am. you might feel that there is nothing in the space between. worse, you might turn and walk away.

it seems i've started to use talking as my shield. something which used to scare me so much now gives me power and makes me feel so good about myself that it gives me power; that i have the power to overpower it. err...

yet, there are some whom i can experience total silence with and not feel scared or angry or judged one bit. and in that silence, i am understood and loved and forgiven and embraced. i feel more rested and secure than ever in fact. because i can be at peace with the one i love and with myself. they talk about silence and how sacred it is. i believe that THIS is the kind of silence i crave for. the kind of silence which allows me to grow and to love and to be in harmony with life. not the deafening or awkward kind...

silence is such a mysterious thing because of the somewhat powerful effects it has on us. i really have much to learn about the power of silence and to practice it not just through my mouth, but in my heart, mind and soul.

right now, my soul seems too noisy and i am experiencing some sort of restlessness. i don't know whether it's because i've been doing too many things or whether it's because my soul is just too noisy inside. at first, i felt so accomplished because i was doing so many things. it is an accomplishment for me because it means that i got through fear and laziness. then, i felt so accomplished because i was meeting so many people, old friends and new ones, and was able to start conversations so easily and connect with people and talk. this is an accomplishment because talking can really scare me. but, if all this should give me peace, why is it so noisy inside?

like i was telling jeremy about how i used to feel at one point. life, at that time, was like a busy highway with no traffic lights. i was trying to cross it and it got tiring. and i found that after a while, i just wanted to go "home". i think that's how i'm feeling now. in a way.

i need to go "home" to the most important thing.

i think that spontaneous chemical reactions occur in me from time to time. maybe not chemical. i don't know what you call them. for no rhyme or reason, i am suddenly happy and content and a smile creeps up, no, explodes, on my face and an outburst of love overwhelms me and everything is perfect and i could die right then. and just as soon as it comes, it leaves. (sounds manic) these fleeting moments of pure bliss, what do you call them? and where do they come from? where do they go?

i guess it's not entirely spontaneous. there are known triggers. such as the first few notes of a beautiful song. a lovely, bloodred, fiery sunset. walking in the field as i appoach home. the quiet of night. talking to my brothers. a peaceful family outing where everyone talks crap and we laugh with each other.what do they mean by trigger-happy anyway?

i smile alot these days with friends. but it's different from those moments mentioned above. i don't feel that overwhelming sensation spreading across my chest, making my heart beat faster. making me feel that this is it. where i can close my eyes and feel so free and light that i could float away forever.

these moments are just incredibly mysterious and incredibly simple. is that what makes them all the more incredibly sacred?

sometimes we spend too much time and energy analysing the gift. is it good? is it bad? why? how? what? where? when? what the?

why not just say...

thank you. =)